i'm a nineteen year old college student in new york city. though i'm not positive, it looks like i'm gonna be a double major in music and english. music is where it's really at for me, the one thing that i have been really *really* passionate about for an extended period of time. i sing, but that's saying a lot because i got my tonsils out over christmas break so my voice has changed and i wasn't able to sing for a while before that because my tonsils were so swollen. *eww* well you are on my page, i told you way back there that it was self-indulgent... so you'll read what i WANT you to read, get it!!! yeah, so everytime i talk to my dad he tells me to join a band - like it's the easy or something! yeah, that would be something that i'd love to experience someday but for now i'm sticking to school and classical voice training!! uhhhh... so anyway, i'm unattached and have been since... la la la october. adjustments aren't fun but resolutions are. since i brought up the topic of swinging singles, i'll tell you what i like in boys... many of these preferences change but the most consistent are the first four... tall, dark hair, blue eyes, not too skinny (maybe even solid, hehe). lately i gravitate towards tattoos, piercings, attitude and style, but it is imperative that there be an overwhelming aspect of kindness and love. when you get right down to it, i fall for anyone who is nice, smart, and pays attention to me. mmm musically inclined and funny is cool too. but none of it really matters because in the end things usually stink anyway. i am all too familiar with heartbreak and heartache, i'm sure most people say this, nothing new. but it is still an important topic to me. a bad combination of personal characteristcs leaves me very vulnerable to it. i am very intense and brash and also super sensative. *ouch* but enough of that, it's depressing... i'm not a pessimist because i know that someday everything will come together and i'm not too concerned about forcing any of it right now. [check back when i am 30.] i spend a lot of my time *wasting time* doing things like making web pages and searching for new online adventures at the flavor of the month, once sparkmatch, once rakeyohn's message board, soon to be moc i think. anything to avoid school work. i *don't* spend much time thinking about what i'm going to wear. quite contradictory to ways i used to behave, what kate calls my 'best leather jacket' phase. my favorite pants are a pair of men's stovepipe mavis that are too big, but like them that way. the bottoms are torn up which is exciting for me since i'm so tall, that seldom happens. my favorite shirt is a my little brother's soccer shirt. he's 10 years old and he just picked up skateboarding recently, crazy how that worked out that we did it at the same time... i like hoodies a WHOLE lot. they are so comfortable and the perfect attire for skating. i can probably be identified only by my big yellow habitat one since i wear it so much. it has been in the laundry with dirty from the skatepark for a week though. i don't forsee it coming out clean anytime soon. i got it at this great skateshop in jersey near kate's house. i'm gonna do some promo now.. *PRO SKATEBOARD SHOP IN BELMAR* the owner was really nice and since i prolly won't go back there very frequently i want to do my part somehow. but i got off on a tangent. i was talking about how i spend most of my time... i also listen to a lot of music which, for better or worse, makes the time fly. before i can fall asleep at night i think for at least an hour, sometimes drifting in and out of conciousness, about all of the things in my life and usually how i wish they were different or better. it's a terrible habit that prolly perpetuates some degree of melancholy, but i do it anyway. hell, it's better than not thinking about anything. for example, a minute ago i looked across the street at the apartment building and one of the windows that usually has its shades closed was wide open. the inside was really nice, beautiful finished wood bookshelves filled with the kind of books that you don't read. nice furniture, a little dirty, but still nice... something like how my future homestead will be. the lighting was just right, white but soft. a very nice place. so i found myself wondering what if i lived there, i would be how old? doing what? with whom? or what if i just knew those people who lived there... then i remembered the thing that has preoccupied me all day and realized that if i lived over *there* i wouldn't have that problem. but i'd have a whole set of different ones *sigh* as you can see it results in some pretty phat day dreams, another hobby of mine. i create the most absurb and perfect scenerios in my head triggered by something that i see on the street and play it out about as far as it can go. i wish for a lot of things and none of them are important of vital, or sometimes even good for me at all. one thing i wish for a lot is that i could write poetry. i love the feelings that are evoked by reading a good piece of poetry, but even better than that is the feeling that the writer pours into it. i think it must be theraputic- to get those emotions about and then have them become so beautiful and effective, and in front of you in a concrete form. very satifying, i'd imagine. another thing i wish for is ben. *hehehe* how else do i spend my time? eating.. yeah.. eating. i like food a lot and it is *fun* to eat. don't get scared by that, it just means that i need burgers and milkshakes and ice cream and root beer and fries and chocolate [to name a few.] i think i spent one whole summer doing nothing but eating. that was pretty cool. maybe its all rebellion again my family who wants to me put on a pair of boots and black pants and walk myself into a modeling agency. like i need *more* rejection. i'd rather not try that one. plus modeling is scary anyway, i don't want to be any more messed up than i already am. so, last year i was a movie fanatic, i think it was because i dated a guy who was and then it rubbed off on me. he sure did have good taste in movies. some of my favorites are the princess bride, edward scissorhands, american history x, swingers, fight club, pulp fiction, sleeping beauty, go, the indiana jones trilogy, the fugitive, regarding henry, monty python and the holy grail, liberty heights, snatch, whats eating gilbert grape, mansfield park, there are more but to list them all is a massive project. we'll do it one step at a time. i don't really watch too many anymore, mostly the skating kind these days (CKY2K, landspeed, jump off a building...) wow, i just went to read my page and that white on black does some screwy stuff to your eyes. sorry about that one. so anyway, i don't do much else with my time... big outings for me are shows or a trip to the movie theatre but those things only happen once or twice a month at most. lets not talk about the blarney stone, we'll just say its best for lauren try to - s t a y a w a y - since someone told me that i scare a good portion of the student body. yeah, whatever man. i'd rather scare them than *be* them. in the summer i have a job in food service, food running for the past two year and waitressing this year, i think. i hate that kind of work a lot but it's good money so i stick with it. i am thinking about not working this summer at all and taking some singing lessons and piano classes, but that probably won't happen... here are some rad lyrics to leave you with. they suit my mood: "could you tell me the next time that you're choking? cause i'll rush right over to shove some dirt right down your throat it's nothing i have against you you're just a creep and you can't remember the last five years. what's a bond if it dissolves in water? i took a piss that lasted longer than you and your manipulations. i called my mom last night she said, 'sweetie, you don't need someone who's more fleeting than fall' cause don't you love those leaves? don't you wish the orange stayed forever and crickets sang in the night all through winter? and i thought, slow down, think of all the time this jerk has fucked you up and left you down and hey, i choose my company by the beating of their hearts not the swelling of their heads besides, i'd rather forget the days we spent than try to stay afloat in shallow water." -saves the day-
