*to be or not to be* - November 3rd, 2005 - Thursday - oh what a day. What a week. Oh what a past couple months these have been. I've been not too busy at all, I have been barely working. I get a couple hours here, a couple hours there...nothing that really fills up the schedule. I've been a good girl though, I've been taking all the call ins I can get. Last month I didn't even work 30 hours total! Crazy, eh?

Jesse is back from school, and I am sooo happy that he's here. It's kinda weird getting used to living with someone again, but I like it none the less. Faith is in heat...what a mess. She's not getting bred this time, I am not about to have any more puppies running around here. It was fun having puppies, something I'd do again, one day, but not today.

Since I haven't been working very often I've been getting myself down, sad, almost depressed. I have been trying to deal with it the best I can, but when you work 2-6 hours a week, and you need to work full time, it's rough. I guess most restaurants are up and down through the year. But I need to work. So, guess what!?!?!

I GOT A JOB AT MT. WASHINGTON! Yes, yes, yes. I went to their job fair the other week, and I had applied for positions either in the restaurant/pub or working at a lift ticket validater/lift operator. I heard that not too many people showed up for the job fair, but either way, that means more of a chance for me to get hired. It worked. I got hired. I was scheduled for an interview with Fireweeds/Teddy's (food service) the day of the job fair. I got my call today, saying that they would like to offer me a job. Of course I said yes.  I am really excited, because working at Mt. Washington will give me the opportunity to learn to snowboard because I get a free seasons pass, free rentals and lessons. I will also get to meet new people, and learn more restaurant related skills. Always a great idea to learn new things. Best part about working at Mt. Wash., is that I'll be working! *yay* No more boredom soon!

Oh! One month till I'm 19!!! *YAY* I can't believe it. Finally. I got an early birthday present, from my mom and my sister, they bought me two tickets to Gwen Stefani's concert in Vancouver for November 20th. That should be fun. I feel really, really lucky. Then, a week or so after that, I'll have my birthday. I would really like to plan a trip to Victoria, but I don't know what's really going to happen. I guess it all depends when the Mountain opens. If it opens on the 1st, then I won't be leaving to celebrate my birthday. If it opens on the 8th, then I can go celebrate my birthday. I hope it doesn't open early, but it would also be nice if it did open early. Maybe it could open up on the 4th, which would be early, but not too early. haha. Now I'm just getting greedy.

We had a HUGE, heavy rain storm this morning when I woke up. It was coming down fast. There was lots of wind as well. Do you ever find that wind and rain sound a lot louder when you're in a mobile home, rather than when you're in an actual house? I do. I don't mind it though, listening to the rain pounding down on the roof can be lots of fun. It's all over now, it's quiet again. I wonder how long I'll continue to live here though. I want to move again, really bad. But at the same time, I don't. I'm a confusing person, aren't I?

"ugh" - October 6th, 2005 - Thursday 

I feel like crap. Honestly. Yes, that's me today....I am still in my PJs and it's already 230 in the afternoon. I had a rough night trying to sleep, but my nose was so stuffed up I couldn't breathe properly, and in turn at 5am I couldn't sleep properly. I've been sitting around trying to relax, watching TV ever since. I think I learnt how to cook some good feta stuffed chicken though. The food channel can be great!

My family should be coming out today. I cleaned up the guest rooms for their arrival. Hopefully they will buy dinner, because I really don't want to do anything right now, let alone try and cook when I am not good at it. I like to watch the food channel and pretend that I could do what they are doing. I take mental notes for when I'll try making what they are making. But I don't think I've ever tried to make what they make. It's nice to dream though. Dream of really yummy food. I just don't see the point in cooking a big meal and what not, when it would be just me eating. Pointless. Jesse is a good cook though. Very happy to have him around :) and I don't mean that I'm only happy about the cooking aspect of his talents. He's wonderful. He's my dream man. He is my love.

mmmm....there's so much I want to do but I don't know where to start. I'm the kind of person that likes to do everything. I want to learn everything, I want to be good at everything. It's not very possible to do everything though. I have so many different interests that I don't know what I am. What kind of person I am that is. I always feel creative. I love to write...that's why this is here for you to read. I love to design, that is why I sew. I'm not good at painting, but I like to do it. I will end up painting something, and if it doesn't look like something someone else has painted, I'm not impressed with it. Even if it is a nice painting. I just end up focusing on so many different things that I can't it down and concentrate on one thing. I always dreamt of being a famous singer/songwriter. I ended up messing up on stage once, at the Sid Williams, and since then I haven't wanted to step up and do it again. I had good ideas. I was sure I could have entertained somewhere. But I really don't like to fail. I don't like to get in trouble and when I messed up on stage I really got scared. Maybe it all started when I was a little kid, and I got teased a lot. I got teased cause I had red hair, because I had freckles, because most of my friends were boys. I just didn't like girls. Girls were mean. But my friends were friends, and that's it. Anyways. Those years had a big impact in my life. I've always felt that I needed to do something to myself in order to make myself look pretty. I'm always looking to other people, listening to what they have to say about me. I get really self-conscious sometimes. I take people's criticism and I don't always use it to better myself. I can be really hard on myself.

I'm just confused. Once in a while I'll find myself thinking that I should make up all my life decisions right now. I don't know why but I try and plan my future. I shouldn't though. It's hard to settle my brain down sometimes. It drives me nuts. I don't want people to look down on me. Maybe because I got teased so much when I was younger, and because I was always frowned upon by the "cool" girls, maybe that's why I feel like I need to do so much and do it well in order to be accepted. I don't know. I'm just crazy.

I want to be musical, I want to create, I want a good job. I want to finish up all of my ongoing projects and also start new ones. There's too much for me to do at once, and there's so much the world has to offer. Maybe I just need a break from myself.

I don't really like living here in Courtenay. I don't like this area. I miss being in Tahsis. I wish there was more opportunity there. I would be so happy if I could stay there. I just want away from here, already. It's only been a year. I don't know how to make friends, I don't have many friends. I don't have much of a life. I sit here, I clean, I take care of my pets, I miss my boyfriend. I look forward to garbage day, work and dance. Even though last night dance class was pissing me off. There are so many people in the class that don't know how to dance that I feel held back. We're practicing everything I already know, only at a snails pace. It's not as fun as last time. I learn quick and need to keep learning in order to stay interested. I guess the slow process will give me time to perfect what I know and make it better, but it makes me frustrated. It's like being in high school again. Anyways....I need something to keep me busy. Working 6 hours a week sucks big fat hairy bum. I need 40 hours a week, or at least something a bit more time consuming. Am I being too selfish? *k.louise

Yesterday I woke up and didn't feel very tired. I had a restless sleep to! Today I slept better, and woke up a bit tired. Not so much tired, but kind of groggy feeling, you know? Oh well. It was garbage day today...oh gee, isn't that great. I have nothing better to do than look forward to garbage day! haha. I've got a great life. 
I had scrambled eggs, toast and a couple pieces of bacon for breakfast. I'm trying to use us my bread before it goes bad. I hate it when things go bad before you can use them. Food shouldn't expire. It should stay good till you don't want it anymore. heh. 
<< See, that's me today. *yay* haha. wow, eh? Can you see? I am wearing pink! and black! I always complain when I think of girl punks wearing pink and black, I've always hated it. Now, I am wearing it. I felt girly in it. But, it feels pretty, so I didn't mind. I even put a pink ribbon in my hair...ah! I'm a girl. Who would of thought?
I got a job interview set up today! *yippie* but I don't know if I'd really enjoy the job I'm going to be interviewed about. Who knows. Can't knock it till you try it I guess. It's a cleaning job. I do like cleaning, but I do a lot of it already. You have to clean a lot when you have mammals running around on four legs dropping hair behind them and plopping mud off of their toes onto the already-not-so-nice carpet. :) Animals...geesh. Gotta love them!
I don't feel as random today. I've been so unoccupied doing stuff, that I feel dead. I feel like I am looking forward to going to work so that I can be social. See, my life is awesome. I look forward to garbage day, and I can't wait to go to work because I have so few friends that I feel special at work with people who are forced to be nice to me because we work together. haha. Life is great. I love it. *louise

October 2, 2005 - "587 VAC" - Veteran license plates...why? Sometimes it's nice to have them because it's kind of a warning to other drivers: "CAUTION - This driver is old! May not drive very well!!" but then I also think, why are they so special. Why don't they have "New driver", "pregnant driver," "fat driver," "male/female driver..." plates, and so on. Yes, they fought for the country, but does giving them a "special" plate make them feel special? Really, how great is having a license plate different from everyone else's? What do they stand for anyways? "V-very A-annoying C-cunt!" hah. Sorry, that's awful, but please, laugh with me.

It was a year yesterday that I moved into Courtenay. Starting yesterday everything here for me is a year anniversary! A year ago I was unpacking, a year ago I had no furniture, a year ago I was still dating Aaron, a year ago I was happy to be out of Tahsis, a year ago...though so much seems to change in a year. I worked at Superstore, the Hands on Farm, Elections Day, Martine's Bistro...I met and made friends, I drive now and I have my own car (thank you mom and dad!), I am adjusting to the life out here, I have a wonderful boyfriend (Love you Jesse!), a loving dog (FAITH!) and a new puppy Ripley Jr. (faith's pup!). I am planning my future school endeavors, working a part time job when I really need a full time job, learning new things, and looking for work. I am still quite the same as I used to be, though I have come to realize that some people aren't really my friends, when I thought that they were good friends. I am disappointed because of that. I won't let that stop me from living my life though, because it's not worth it. Maybe in some way I turned out not to be a good enough friend to someone else? Some where along the line.

Job hunting can be fun. I'm sure it can. But I haven't found that part yet. There's always another bump to go through, an unsuccessful interview, a resume piled on top of a mound of other that have yet to be looked at. Newspapers with ads circled, and resumes mailed out but there's no response. Leaving messages on machines and you don't get a response. It's tough trying to find work sometimes.

Jesse left today for school. yay. He'll be gone for a while. I think I can handle it though....just maybe! I thought that I would cry when I watched him pull away from the house, but I didn't. I haven't cried, and I hope I don't. I shouldn't cry, I have no reason to. He's coming back, he promised. I still have the two pooches with me to keep me company. Though it is going to be very odd sleeping alone again. I haven't done that in a looong time. I'm updating my website because Jesse is gone and I feel I have nothing better to do. I've been applying for different jobs, and I will continue to do so, but that isn't enough to keep me busy.

It'll be thanksgiving soon! YUMMY! I love thanksgiving. I think. haha, to be honest, I don't really remember how enjoyable or not so enjoyable thanksgiving is normally. I might go home to Tahsis on Wednesday and come back here on Friday, but I'm not really too sure. My Uncle John is heading to Tahsis, and offered to bring me up with him. I don't think I will, but it would give me something to do. I think it would be fun to drive up there myself...but I don't know if I'm up to it. I actually get to celebrate Thanksgiving twice this year! Once with my family, they are coming up here, and once with Jesse's family at their house. I look forward to both days though I anticipate my mom's turkey stuffing a lot!

Well, this seems to be a big enough journal entry for now. I'm sure I'll be writing more on here as time passes by. *k.louise