<xmp> <body> </xmp> | the.californian.kid |
-- Prologue --
-- Valuable Life Lessons About that Penis in Brian Kinney's Hand and More --

What do you do when life deals you a bad hand? Do you simply fold or do you work with what you got? That answer is easy for me, but for others it is a difficult choice.

I'd fold. I know it's not the answer you expected, but hear me out. Every last tough guy on this planet is going to say that they would work with what they got. They would tough it out because they are men. Big strapping men with huge muscles that would get Brian Kinney off with one flex of the arm. But these people are just lying to themselves.

The reality is we all fold. Sure there's the stories out there of the struggling man rising up above his surroundings to become something great. You know those stories about a kid growing up in a broken home and then dumped on to a couple different foster homes and then one day that kid becomes the President of the United States of America? You know those stories right? Most of those are bullshit as well.

We all fold because as human beings that is the only thing we know how to do. It isn't to fight on. To overcome our circumstances? Oh no. That's not what we do. We sit on our ass and pity ourselves. Then after we are done blaming mommy, daddy, President Bush, and 50 Cent for ruining our lives we decide that life just isn't worth living. We take papa's shotgun and we head to the backyard with a shovel in hand. But you know what happens right after you dig that spade two inches into the ground and scoop up a couple clumps of dirt? Black gold shoots up towards the sky. You lucky motherfucker you struck it rich. Woo!

Now you can go tell your story at a money-making lecture some poor sap paid two-hundred dollars just to get in to to hear you babble about how you pulled yourself up by the boot straps.

Do you see what I mean now? No one takes a bad hand and works with it. No one! They just sit on their fat asses wasting their life away as the seconds slowly tick off the clock. No one takes that bad hand and turns it around through hard work. They buy lottery tickets every time they cash in that check from that minimum wage job they got flipping burgers at the Cluckin' Bell. Do they serve burgers there or is that a chicken joint? Ah who cares. You get my point.

But that's all America boils down to these days. Just a bunch of fat morons clocking out on life. Lazy bums. Obese peices of shit. Your mom. I don't know why I had to bring your mother into this, but I feel she is a part of America's problem too.

I was once faced with this same problem. Me, Kenny Turner, the kid born with silver, gold, and platinum studded spoons in his mouth. The grandson of the billionaire Ted Turner. It seemed as though life dealt me a fuckin' royal flush.

But with a sudden change of the winds God plopped my white ass down in the middle of a trailer park. My real parents are hill-billies? Switched at birth? It's not the crappy plot of a day-time soap opera. It's the story of my life. So there I was. Life gave me the short end of the stick for once in my life. Did I suddenly receive the urge to make something of myself instead of rot in that God forsaken trailer park? No. I pulled up a stool in the nearest bar and began to drink my life away. Then after that I began to gamble my life away. Then when I was too drunk and too broke to even think straight, I became complacent with my life. If it wasn't for some loan shark named Fat Tony I would have died a 51 year old overweight plumber in the arms of my horribly grotesque biological mother.

Thank God for fat Italians with guns, eh? Thank God for that motherfucker kidnapping me and making me work matches in Japan to repay him his money. If it wasn't for that I would have never gotten back in the business. If it wasn't for that I would have never seen how horrible my life had become.

It was... luck. Luck in the form of a chubby mobster.

So now you know why I say that no man actually takes a bad hand and works with it. Even I, Kenny Turner, knows that it is only luck that will tug at my bootstraps. It is not self-motivation.

I also just told you all about what I have been doing for the last couple months along with that valuable life lesson. That should save me some valuable seconds of my time.

Now take another gulp of that 64 ounce Coke and a big bite of that twinkie you fatass. Watch me as I jump into spotlight once again while you continue to sit your obese overgrown body on the couch and wish you were me.

-- A Valuable Lesson for Justin Davis --

Kenny Turner: "You know what I personally like about Justin Davis? No really, there is something that I like about him. I love the fact that he is a former Majestic wrestler. Talk about history! Me and Majestic we go way back. Of course this Justin Davis came along after my time there, so in essence he contributed to the downfall of Majestic."

"Interesting... Mr. Prestigous General Manager was the person who flushed the toilet when Majestic rolled down the shitter. So enlighten me Davis, how exactly does this make you better than me? Your job was to run a federation because you completely sucked ass in the wrestling ring and you couldn't even keep the ship afloat?"

"You had the talent, don't cry to me about that kiddo. You had Nathan Kaye, arguably the greatest wrestler I've ever stepped into the ring with. You had Blade who was a complete moron, but a damn good wrestler. Jason Casey, Pastor Malakai, et cetera, et cetera. You had the talent buddy, you just couldn't do shit with it. I wish I could compare that to your wrestling career, but you're about as talented as a two dollar whore."

"Listen to your master, Davis... You know that sack of shit named Glacier? Uncle to that run-away bitch named Shorty Junior. Listen to him. He knows what I'm capable of. First time Majestic Champion. But what he doesn't know, or what he probably wishes he didn't know, was I ruled Japanese wrestling. Legacy Champion in Point Blank Wrestling over in Japan where I beat the living shit out of his nephew and made him run-away like a little bitch."

"I'm done with Shorty Junior though, unless certain people forget their place and I have to show them again. I'm also done with you. After this match I hope to never see your face again. Not because you will challenge me in the ring. Not because you will be of some threat to me. But because you are a complete waste of time. You are a joke and a piss stain on this federation's name. Ever wonder why they keep putting you in matches with other un-talented pricks like yourself? Like Jamal Evans? Like Reckless?"

"Like Reckless... The guy who couldn't win one damn match a month ago and then he kicks your ass and goes on a big winning streak. Just shows you what this place has become. Xander Valentine looks like fucking Britney Spears. The God damn SCW Champion is Brian Kinney. Brian Kinney! And I heard Hudson even got a run with the title. What has this place come to? There's garbage at every corner and it seems someone has to take out the trash."

"I guess that's where i come in Davis. And starting this week, the trash will be getting cleaned up around here."

News Ticker: || Breaking News! Kenny Turner is better than you. I know it's not a surprise. Just thought I'd let you know. ||