The unbearable lightness of being
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: random tv nonsense

its the weekend now. Im marking more days off the calendar. Comming closer to the highpoint of this path. 

The clouds come to lift me up. Although they drag down most. My heart reaches out to cleanse the sickness in the one im waiting for.

 I feel it, the song of my heart, pulling at me. Forcing me through space and time to be with her.

 In my dreams, i remember the future. Of skies shot with fire and a thousand sunsets seen from a thousand vistas. Memories of green fields of musty books and hallowed halls. Of dark nights spent infront of fireplaces, whispereing unnumbered secrets. 

I saw us moving though the annuls of time remembering the future and experiencing the past.

Within this paradox connectin ran rife, growing and blossoming into something more, something mysterious and beautiful.

And so the dream came to a close, with an old man and a canvas. A million memories painted in a none to steady hand. Punctuated with quiet tears. And veiwed through a smokey mirror. A visual memory of a time in which there was more.

 

... wow
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: |_3|<7|_||23

... wow.... that all i can say really. Such a connection. such.... passion, feeling and togetherness. just.... wow.

 Just thinking about it leaves me speachless. To try to recall a single moment is to set off an avalanche of passion.  Its... its crazy in all senses. Its a tumble down a pathway of mutual exploration, a pathway to bliss enlightenment and joy.

 The completion iv been looking for for all these years iv found it here. In this pathway. In between these arms.

 Music playing in the background adding another layer of complexity to this weave.  It was surreal, it was unreal. It happened. I know this now, this was no dream. No fantasy of a fevered mind. It was real, it is real

 

this pathway that i have chosen.... it was right. It iS right. and i look forward to where it takes me.

a crowded silence
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: nothing.... oh sweet nothing... sweet nothing at all....

7 55 am. sitting in a lecture theater, waiting for that irregular ray of light to come shinning into my mind. A message from above, picking me up and taking me back to the wonderful world of the night time before.

Reflecting i find that there could be nothing more perfect than this. Two pieces of the same whole.

As if somone held a curved mirror to my soul and translated me into a place of ecstacy. *see Mordants Need by Stephen Donaldson*

 And so i sit here, in my crowded silence, these thoughts feelings and fantasies running through my mind. The harrowing emptyness kept at bay by the though of a touch. 

Slowly new presences enter this silence. Others are arriving and my solitude must end.

And  guess, so shall this.

Back again
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: Random southpark on the tv

And so im back. Time has passed.

 I have moved back to my parents place.  Im finally restoring balace to my life.

 Doors open left and right, my life seems to have exited the darkness for now.

To my left, there is a path of waiting, for something that may never happen, down there, i do not know what will come from this path.

 To my right, a plethora of possibilities vibrant and confusing but a direction im very inclined to take.

 

Reduced from 9 to two the potency of my mind has increased exponentially.  Watcing myself i see that in truth this change has helped me. Im focussed and less distracted. I can see clearer now.

 

I watch the long game now, trying to fathom what it has instore for me.  I cant see whats in for me. Although i know i wont be returning to the dark for a wile. I hope anyway.

 

The rain has brought with it a change to the scenery here, the green has come back to this arid land and with it a sense of relaxation, or rejuvination and life. I cant help but absorb this fresh air. It calms and sooths my soul. This long absence from this outlet for my mind has been hard. These ideas percolating in my mind, like a poison in my veins.  Have been washed away with the rain pounding on my sheds tin roof.

The cacophany that brings me from my sleep  it assults my ears, but i cant be angry. Its a balm to my ears.

And so ill end this with a piece i wrote from a dream i had the other night.

"An emerald carpet flows along the hills. The wind beneath is cold and fast.  Propelled towards a vista i do not know, the sun blazes its last glory. A face, i have seen but are yet to see. A saviour? only time will tell." 

 

Time passed the cycle began again
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Unsociable - Mindless self indulgence.
So its been a wile. Sue me. I have been busy.

Times been flowing on and my life has filled nigh on to the brim.

The cycle has come around again and i enter the dark time of the year.

Whats to come. who knows. All i know is im loosing my grip again. Where it has gone i do not know. What i am gripping to has become uncertain.

All i can do is grasp at teh straws quickly falling from my hands and try to make sence of what i find.


Things seeded in the past begin to flourish and grow. And i bear the scars for it, still it is good.

A time of change is upon us. maybe its time to remove the anomoly that is me. Maybe this chaos is a sign that i have run out of time.

I hope tomorrows sunrise brings light to my darkness.

Im lost, i wonder who, if anyone will find me.

A Smile I thought id never see again.
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: The Hollow - A perfect Circle
Been a wile, times have changed, and changed again. The moon has died and been reborn. The heavens have opened and obscured the accursed sun.

It has come to my time of the year.

The future has never seemed so bright, for all the darkness in it, for all the times i burn out, and come back full of bright burning glory. For every year that takes of my life, it is still bright and i am excited.

Im excited because it so uncertain, chaos rains down with the blessed tears from the sky. I know i should be afraid, but i cant find a drop of fear in me. These hands of mine that carve out this message to all of you, they will take me to places i never dreamed i could go.

For all the times iv taken, ill give back ten fold, why? because im greatfull. Greatful to all those around me who are able to see me for who i am, and are helping me to break the blinders i have on my eyes.

Thankyou. You might just have saved me.

The world is a strange and fickle place. I understand this now. I add it to the central facts of my life. Another thing i accept embrace and make a part of me.
No i wont become strange and fickle, my inner fire cant assume that form.

And so i smile, smiles that havent been on my lips for as long as i can remember, joy lights my eyes battles the chaos in them and wins.

Patterns change, and i think i finally understand mine, mine changes most of all, it is twisted and pulled by every pattern around it. It has a shape, but that shape is only existent under complete isolation. And to those whos pattern is changing, smile with me. This is good, this is needed.

Once again my hands work magic, once again i am happy.

"Gods in his heaven and alls right with the world" (Quote from Neon Genesis Evangelion)

thoughts on a black friday
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Dj Irish - Essential Trance 5
leave your mind for a moment, step into my shoes. Take a peak at my life. Simple no?

Look into my future, do i cease to be? do i grow old with a family and great grandchildren?

Do i merely fade out, or do i dissapear?

I ask you, before you look forward, could what you see, be part of a plan? A plan that while terrible, reaps the greatest rewards.

I ask you is it worth it? From what you see?

heh... these are but questions already answered.

The path i weave for myself is unlike any other. What lies at the end. Only i know.

So i sit here, the careful bass numbing my ears, the screen throwing its white glare at me. My mind, free of its cage wanders among the melodies, to dwell where it may and on what it may. And these thoughts travel down damaged paths to my fingers and out, inevitably to you.

Following my thoughts is the knowledge of what an who i am. Like a dark shadow, an infernal doppelganger, the abysmal reflection of my new found freedom.

In reality, the cage is still there, glossamer strands holding me down. Stopping me from floating away and i assume finding the answers i desire.

Thoughts on this black friday, whiz around my head. Thoughts about my past, my future, those around me. The catali for whom i care so much. I am saddened by their involvement in my fate. For i understand what it could cost them. But i will work unceasingly to see them safe from harm. Whether they realize it or not, everything i do is done so that they may be kept safe, well and happy.

Some may not ever realize what it is i have done, or will do for them. Others realize and try to help me back. I seek no reward in this, i merely seek to minimize my destructive effect on reality. And to the one like me, who tries to minimize their own effects on reality. Mundanity will only hide so much. Sometimes a cancellation effect is more effective, but i dont expect you to listen to me. I have said it none the less.

So as the clouds burn red and the sun sets on this Black day i find myself wondering when, or if i will find an anchor in my life. Someone who cares, and loves me enough to offer me shelter, from the elements, and more importantly form myself...

Conditional maddness
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Bled for days -Static-X
God i hate being uncertain. Haha stupid thing to hate isn't it? Since so much of our lives these days are filled with it. Still i hate it.

Uncertainty, mainly about the future has taken me by the gut recently. Its scaring the hell out of me. Someone who is used to being able to see a few steps ahead of whats happening.

So being reduced to mere reaction has unsettled and made me moody. As no doubt those around me have noticed.

Still the moon has been pretty hasnt it? in its fullness, half hidden by cloud like an empherial eye gazing down on my comings and goings. I love the full moon, gives the night a sense of mystery and otherworldliness. A feel of which i like being a part of very much. Its calming and exhilirating at the same time.

Its so nice to walk home under the moonlight, to spend a few hours with a friend watching the moon and talking about whatever comes to mind. Gives me such a feeling of wholeness, of completeness.

Sadly, but then again very happily colouring these events is the overriding uncertainty over my future. I know what i would like to happen, and i will do what i can to bring those about. But then again the question of my expendability, the ease of my replacement. The feeling that nothing would change if i were to simply just cease to be.

Sometimes i think it would be best if i did just cease to be. Then that immutable voice of my brain pipes up with all the "What ifs" of that circumstance.

A good friend of mine once emplored me never to break, I replied to them that " i didnt have a choice but not to break". I dont think they understood, that again whenever i get to that stage, the immutable voice of my brain pipes up with the "What ifs" of my imminent breakdown.

In the wake of this, the mental ducttape is deployed and the tears in my mind are patched over until a train of thought can be contrived to cover the hole.

So to my friend i say "I have no choice but not to break" i mean there is no one that is out there to save me, as i try to do for others. So i end up just accumulating layers of mental ducttape.

Sad really....

Sometimes i wonder
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: keine lust - Rammstein
Sometimes i wonder, what it is im really here to do. Im not going to turn into some angsty little emo on you but i still find myself thiking these thoughts.

I end up wandering in circles because i really have no idea why im here. I meerly cling to existence because i fear not existing. Then this leads me to wonder...

Is that what we all do? cling to what we can because we fear what letting go might do?

And then the thought occurs to me, why not just let go? cast myself into the winds and see what may happen, then a question comes " Do i have the guts to do that?"

In the end thats what it comes down to, do i have the guts to take that step. I would like to think i do, but current evidence suggestes the opposite.

So then am i a hypocrite to tell others they must face what they fear to overcome it. Face it, and accept it, make it their own. Can i do that with my fear, can i take non-existence and accept it, make it my own. Strangely this doesnt seem as scary as i thought. This utterance of my mind, seems merely a logical step in growth.

Then is it not possible that i have faced and accepted non-existence by considering the theory that i could face it? The fact i acknowledged that i have the potential to achieve that act, allowed me to face and accept the theory that letting go may be better than clinging to?

Yes, i feel the waves of relief flush through my body , i understand now that what i was clinging to was just one side of a two sided coin. Existence defines non-existence and vice versa.

So then, would i be defined by how i exist and how i do not non exist.

Self definition is a messy process, i think i made some headway today. Getting closer to the all encompasing "I am".

So ill just sit here for now, smile my little knowing smile and ponder just what it was that i achieved here today...

who woulda known
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Show me love - Tatu
sooo bored. Where is every one... or rather where is every one that is interesting?

Mmm again i apologize for that last post. Consider it my divine punishment for not blogging in a week. Still i have learned my lesson and will again try to blog everyday.

My thumbs healing, feels strange to have a decent wound again. They seem to only crop up when I'm in love. Seems like the un-enterable door has been entered. And the view its glass construction offered me was everything i have expected.

Seems like these past 4 years now have been nothing but a dream. All the pain and the hurt, the angst and the mindlessness have drifted away into a haze of possibility.

Only.... only i hope she realizes this too, that despite her past, there is an opportunity for a happy future right in front of her. She need but take my hand.

Just a short one today. As you can tell my mind is on one thing and one thing only.