a crowded silence
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: nothing.... oh sweet nothing... sweet nothing at all....

7 55 am. sitting in a lecture theater, waiting for that irregular ray of light to come shinning into my mind. A message from above, picking me up and taking me back to the wonderful world of the night time before.

Reflecting i find that there could be nothing more perfect than this. Two pieces of the same whole.

As if somone held a curved mirror to my soul and translated me into a place of ecstacy. *see Mordants Need by Stephen Donaldson*

 And so i sit here, in my crowded silence, these thoughts feelings and fantasies running through my mind. The harrowing emptyness kept at bay by the though of a touch. 

Slowly new presences enter this silence. Others are arriving and my solitude must end.

And  guess, so shall this.

Back again
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: Random southpark on the tv

And so im back. Time has passed.

 I have moved back to my parents place.  Im finally restoring balace to my life.

 Doors open left and right, my life seems to have exited the darkness for now.

To my left, there is a path of waiting, for something that may never happen, down there, i do not know what will come from this path.

 To my right, a plethora of possibilities vibrant and confusing but a direction im very inclined to take.

 

Reduced from 9 to two the potency of my mind has increased exponentially.  Watcing myself i see that in truth this change has helped me. Im focussed and less distracted. I can see clearer now.

 

I watch the long game now, trying to fathom what it has instore for me.  I cant see whats in for me. Although i know i wont be returning to the dark for a wile. I hope anyway.

 

The rain has brought with it a change to the scenery here, the green has come back to this arid land and with it a sense of relaxation, or rejuvination and life. I cant help but absorb this fresh air. It calms and sooths my soul. This long absence from this outlet for my mind has been hard. These ideas percolating in my mind, like a poison in my veins.  Have been washed away with the rain pounding on my sheds tin roof.

The cacophany that brings me from my sleep  it assults my ears, but i cant be angry. Its a balm to my ears.

And so ill end this with a piece i wrote from a dream i had the other night.

"An emerald carpet flows along the hills. The wind beneath is cold and fast.  Propelled towards a vista i do not know, the sun blazes its last glory. A face, i have seen but are yet to see. A saviour? only time will tell." 

 

Time passed the cycle began again
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Unsociable - Mindless self indulgence.
So its been a wile. Sue me. I have been busy.

Times been flowing on and my life has filled nigh on to the brim.

The cycle has come around again and i enter the dark time of the year.

Whats to come. who knows. All i know is im loosing my grip again. Where it has gone i do not know. What i am gripping to has become uncertain.

All i can do is grasp at teh straws quickly falling from my hands and try to make sence of what i find.


Things seeded in the past begin to flourish and grow. And i bear the scars for it, still it is good.

A time of change is upon us. maybe its time to remove the anomoly that is me. Maybe this chaos is a sign that i have run out of time.

I hope tomorrows sunrise brings light to my darkness.

Im lost, i wonder who, if anyone will find me.

A Smile I thought id never see again.
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: The Hollow - A perfect Circle
Been a wile, times have changed, and changed again. The moon has died and been reborn. The heavens have opened and obscured the accursed sun.

It has come to my time of the year.

The future has never seemed so bright, for all the darkness in it, for all the times i burn out, and come back full of bright burning glory. For every year that takes of my life, it is still bright and i am excited.

Im excited because it so uncertain, chaos rains down with the blessed tears from the sky. I know i should be afraid, but i cant find a drop of fear in me. These hands of mine that carve out this message to all of you, they will take me to places i never dreamed i could go.

For all the times iv taken, ill give back ten fold, why? because im greatfull. Greatful to all those around me who are able to see me for who i am, and are helping me to break the blinders i have on my eyes.

Thankyou. You might just have saved me.

The world is a strange and fickle place. I understand this now. I add it to the central facts of my life. Another thing i accept embrace and make a part of me.
No i wont become strange and fickle, my inner fire cant assume that form.

And so i smile, smiles that havent been on my lips for as long as i can remember, joy lights my eyes battles the chaos in them and wins.

Patterns change, and i think i finally understand mine, mine changes most of all, it is twisted and pulled by every pattern around it. It has a shape, but that shape is only existent under complete isolation. And to those whos pattern is changing, smile with me. This is good, this is needed.

Once again my hands work magic, once again i am happy.

"Gods in his heaven and alls right with the world" (Quote from Neon Genesis Evangelion)

thoughts on a black friday
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Dj Irish - Essential Trance 5
leave your mind for a moment, step into my shoes. Take a peak at my life. Simple no?

Look into my future, do i cease to be? do i grow old with a family and great grandchildren?

Do i merely fade out, or do i dissapear?

I ask you, before you look forward, could what you see, be part of a plan? A plan that while terrible, reaps the greatest rewards.

I ask you is it worth it? From what you see?

heh... these are but questions already answered.

The path i weave for myself is unlike any other. What lies at the end. Only i know.

So i sit here, the careful bass numbing my ears, the screen throwing its white glare at me. My mind, free of its cage wanders among the melodies, to dwell where it may and on what it may. And these thoughts travel down damaged paths to my fingers and out, inevitably to you.

Following my thoughts is the knowledge of what an who i am. Like a dark shadow, an infernal doppelganger, the abysmal reflection of my new found freedom.

In reality, the cage is still there, glossamer strands holding me down. Stopping me from floating away and i assume finding the answers i desire.

Thoughts on this black friday, whiz around my head. Thoughts about my past, my future, those around me. The catali for whom i care so much. I am saddened by their involvement in my fate. For i understand what it could cost them. But i will work unceasingly to see them safe from harm. Whether they realize it or not, everything i do is done so that they may be kept safe, well and happy.

Some may not ever realize what it is i have done, or will do for them. Others realize and try to help me back. I seek no reward in this, i merely seek to minimize my destructive effect on reality. And to the one like me, who tries to minimize their own effects on reality. Mundanity will only hide so much. Sometimes a cancellation effect is more effective, but i dont expect you to listen to me. I have said it none the less.

So as the clouds burn red and the sun sets on this Black day i find myself wondering when, or if i will find an anchor in my life. Someone who cares, and loves me enough to offer me shelter, from the elements, and more importantly form myself...

Conditional maddness
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Bled for days -Static-X
God i hate being uncertain. Haha stupid thing to hate isn't it? Since so much of our lives these days are filled with it. Still i hate it.

Uncertainty, mainly about the future has taken me by the gut recently. Its scaring the hell out of me. Someone who is used to being able to see a few steps ahead of whats happening.

So being reduced to mere reaction has unsettled and made me moody. As no doubt those around me have noticed.

Still the moon has been pretty hasnt it? in its fullness, half hidden by cloud like an empherial eye gazing down on my comings and goings. I love the full moon, gives the night a sense of mystery and otherworldliness. A feel of which i like being a part of very much. Its calming and exhilirating at the same time.

Its so nice to walk home under the moonlight, to spend a few hours with a friend watching the moon and talking about whatever comes to mind. Gives me such a feeling of wholeness, of completeness.

Sadly, but then again very happily colouring these events is the overriding uncertainty over my future. I know what i would like to happen, and i will do what i can to bring those about. But then again the question of my expendability, the ease of my replacement. The feeling that nothing would change if i were to simply just cease to be.

Sometimes i think it would be best if i did just cease to be. Then that immutable voice of my brain pipes up with all the "What ifs" of that circumstance.

A good friend of mine once emplored me never to break, I replied to them that " i didnt have a choice but not to break". I dont think they understood, that again whenever i get to that stage, the immutable voice of my brain pipes up with the "What ifs" of my imminent breakdown.

In the wake of this, the mental ducttape is deployed and the tears in my mind are patched over until a train of thought can be contrived to cover the hole.

So to my friend i say "I have no choice but not to break" i mean there is no one that is out there to save me, as i try to do for others. So i end up just accumulating layers of mental ducttape.

Sad really....

Sometimes i wonder
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: keine lust - Rammstein
Sometimes i wonder, what it is im really here to do. Im not going to turn into some angsty little emo on you but i still find myself thiking these thoughts.

I end up wandering in circles because i really have no idea why im here. I meerly cling to existence because i fear not existing. Then this leads me to wonder...

Is that what we all do? cling to what we can because we fear what letting go might do?

And then the thought occurs to me, why not just let go? cast myself into the winds and see what may happen, then a question comes " Do i have the guts to do that?"

In the end thats what it comes down to, do i have the guts to take that step. I would like to think i do, but current evidence suggestes the opposite.

So then am i a hypocrite to tell others they must face what they fear to overcome it. Face it, and accept it, make it their own. Can i do that with my fear, can i take non-existence and accept it, make it my own. Strangely this doesnt seem as scary as i thought. This utterance of my mind, seems merely a logical step in growth.

Then is it not possible that i have faced and accepted non-existence by considering the theory that i could face it? The fact i acknowledged that i have the potential to achieve that act, allowed me to face and accept the theory that letting go may be better than clinging to?

Yes, i feel the waves of relief flush through my body , i understand now that what i was clinging to was just one side of a two sided coin. Existence defines non-existence and vice versa.

So then, would i be defined by how i exist and how i do not non exist.

Self definition is a messy process, i think i made some headway today. Getting closer to the all encompasing "I am".

So ill just sit here for now, smile my little knowing smile and ponder just what it was that i achieved here today...

who woulda known
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Show me love - Tatu
sooo bored. Where is every one... or rather where is every one that is interesting?

Mmm again i apologize for that last post. Consider it my divine punishment for not blogging in a week. Still i have learned my lesson and will again try to blog everyday.

My thumbs healing, feels strange to have a decent wound again. They seem to only crop up when I'm in love. Seems like the un-enterable door has been entered. And the view its glass construction offered me was everything i have expected.

Seems like these past 4 years now have been nothing but a dream. All the pain and the hurt, the angst and the mindlessness have drifted away into a haze of possibility.

Only.... only i hope she realizes this too, that despite her past, there is an opportunity for a happy future right in front of her. She need but take my hand.

Just a short one today. As you can tell my mind is on one thing and one thing only.

Smile dammit Fate is watching
Mood:  vegas lucky
Now Playing: Humming an old tune i cant remember the name of
I apologize in advance for this post.
But it must be said.

Swallow me up, and spit me out.
A tool that must be used and reused.
To form and to make.
To give life, and shape it.

Just an artifice, a ploy of a higher power.
Human none the less, alive despite itself.
broken and fractured
purposeful until the end.

cast off the past, the mistakes, the futility,
smile
look to the future
to what is needed, what allows us to do what is needed.

you speak of destiny and of fate
and of things carved in flesh and stone.
i speak of fluidity and adaptability
of things that fit and yet retain what they once were.

of fractured minds
of lost egos
of stray thoughts
of unending pasts

smile, hug back

i may not be right
i may very well wrong
but i survive none the less
and you can too

in love i live
in loneliness i die
casting off the pretense of existence
i am

and so you can be too
in love
in knowledge
casting off the shackles of fate for a better plan

together we can remake the bracelets of happiness

and live,
and feel,
love and be.

trust me
trust us
time passes
we learn and grow

i ask this not for myself
but on your behalf
i entreaty you
i offer a way out


the past and the future collide in the present. this chaos that is all around us ... that the awakened see the sleepers dream and the wakers are bound to. Countless players in countless games, a facilitator for them all a judge jury Saviour and executioner. A practitioner of the ancient life. Of the water and the ice. The sun and the wild fire, of the sand and the earthquake, of the breeze and the cyclone.

A balance that is neither everything or nothing. An anomaly's existence that defies the logic of all. Such are the curses laid on some. On souls few and far between that gather when there is work to be done.

Work? Fayts work, the long games. That span not days or months but Milena. Poor souls recycled for their native abilities and forced time and time again to submit to the will of Fayt. Fractured minds, broken hearts and shattered souls, this is the legacy of man, a legacy stretching back farther than any care to remember.

And comes again a lifetime of gathering, of meeting old friends, and enemies. Brothers and sisters, sons daughters and creations. They all dace to the will enacted through the anomaly, yet they do not know it.

Freedom is a delusion, salvation is meaningless unless you do it yourself. There is no back up, there is no cavalry, no god mode, no infinite ammo, there is just us. We do what we can to save who we can. Will can be twisted, so that it can be fulfilled but not at the original cost that Fayt has asked.

Those who know, of what and whom i speak will understand what i say here. Those of you who don't, count yourself lucky. That you need not dace to another's harp.

A week of silence, as the thoughts slowly dribble into place. As events shape and reshape the thing i call reality. A revelations and remembrances twist the future just as they twist the past.

I IMPLORE YOU look to the future and see what needs to be done. Some asked who it is i love, they of all should know who that is. For i am here solely for them. And those who see, what others do not, should refrain so as not to cause discord in our daces.

For those dear to my heart, i will protect you as best as i am able, from the ravages that roam this world. As a wise, wonderful man once told me. "If it needs to be done, Do it and don't ask for a reward." And so i follow his advice. I will do what is needed to bring this to the right end. Not THE END just an end, an end to this dance. A happy ending, of love and joy and wisdom.

For those who don't indulge in my madness this is just a declaration of a mundane variety made by a lovesick lonely boy. You need not delve into what is written here for it would more than likely make no sense.

Within me an energy is waking, i feel alive for the first time in three years. On one hand, there stands five, and i am on my fifth, on the other stands three, and i am on my third.

You who are broken like me. You are to me like a precious comrade. I want to give you what you want, to give you eternity and forever a love that will not damn you, as is etched into your hands. To break these predictions and twist the will of fate so that there is no loss, only, in our eyes gain. Let Fayt have her price, and let her price be our gain.

I type these words in the hope that you may read them and know who and what i speak of, and to those whom this message is not intended, enjoy a glimpse into my madness.

patience and fate, two things that spend to much time together
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Dj Tiesto - Theme From Dallas
in the beginning there was and ending and in the end there was a beginning. Does this mean time is circular. Maybe, but then it also means an opportunity will come around once again if your willing to wait long enough.

Nice to think that ya? well i disagree, make the most of what you have got. The opportunities presented to you and then tell me they will come back again.

So when i say smile, smile like you mean it. Coz who knows what the future is going to hold.

Learn to love, please, even if it is just a house plant, love something... someone. Something that can complete you. If its a houseplant then I'm worried about your mental state. but then again i wonder about my mental state so i guess my opinion doesn't hold much sway with that then.

Watch a pattern change, as the person realizes that there is more to life than just hate and protection from harm. that to take harm is a beautiful and empowering thing. That to be able to love to care, to shelter another from harm. to take harm for another can be the most fulfilling experience.

To save someone from a hell of their own making gives a feeling unlike any other in experience. To wander the dreams of a generation seeing the same themes over and over, the same despair the same hollowness behind the eyes, in the place where the heart should be. Seeing this makes me wonder what just id doing this top my generation, where the reverence has gone, where has the faith in life seeped off to. for people to become so shallow and hollow inside.

i see that i am full, i am deep and i wonder why others aren't, what is missing in life that they can become so weakened. Is it a purpose, surely that cant be lacking in nigh on every individual in my generation, from what i have seen they mostly have a purpose of a kind. No it must be something more fundamental that is wrong, fellowship? maybe. There is a lot of the individualist movement evident in my generation. That could cause it.

Still, in meeting those that i do, i seek to help them find their stuffing, so to speak. To find the things that can complete them. Or at least set them on a path that will lead to them finding what they need. And no, i do not decide what they need, for those cynics out there who think i think i have the power to decide what people need and what they don't. No i merely show them the hole, and ask them what they need to fill it.

I guess i am just trying to find the one who needs me to fill their hollowness. There will be one out there or then all my work will have been an act of selfless charity, while that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Its not what I'm setting out to do, it is merely a byproduct of my search.

So again i am left to my search, to the hands of Fayt and the ravages of time. But then again, maybe i have found her, and she just doesn't see it yet.