Rain o let it rain
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Its all over - Three Days grace
Stand up and show me your face,
let me see into your eyes,
Show me your soul,

Drop your hints,
in conversations gestures and words,
clues to a past,
you wouldn't tell a soul,

so look into my eyes,
as i return your subverted gaze,
see in my eyes,
a place where hell,
can be thrown out,
and happiness reign.


It was cloudy today, my favorite type of day it was cool and slightly damp. God i love this weather.

It was a good day, a day where i could almost forget about my loneliness and all the darkness it entails. I found a deeper understanding of another as well.

Patterns are forming themselves before my eyes, each day a new piece falls into place. Tomorrow will be a day where i place this pattern before someone that can validate it and see if i was right.

Causality the law of cause and effect. Its applicable to all things, knowing what causes what effect and vice versa, coupled with hints dropped. Allows a CP like myself to piece together someones history.

Invasive? probably, but for anyone with the wits to put 2 and 2 together its plain.

To see things, like how a smile touches someones eyes, or how they react when faced with a choice, all these little things add up to a whole picture. Some people have accused me of being a psychic, i say flatly here, i am not. If anything i may be an empathic to a certain extent.

However, analysis yields a lot more than intuition ever will. Knowing when to use intuition to compliment analysis is vital. Otherwise you can run the risk of becoming cold. Something any decent human should avoid.

And smile dammit. I don't know how many times i have said it in recent weeks but it is still needs to be said. Smile, its more than enough to save the person lost so deep in their own darkness that they cant even see themselves.

Smile, just smile and tell them your here next to them. I yearn with a force I'm unable to put into words to tell this to a certain someone, to tell them their safe and that the world cant get to them anymore. The problem is, do they recognize that they infact need a place where the can be safe, where they can be held with arms that are welcoming. They may have synthesiszed a place that half fulfills this need and thinking that is enough seek to drive all others from this place.

This,i fear more than death.

And theres more to this...
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Hot Dog - Limp Bizkit
Walk around in circles for long enough and eventually you will realize that there are thing that surround you. take some time out to enjoy the scenery once in a wile and you will be amazed at what you see.

Then you will realize that your not walking in circles, all you have been seeing is the pavement below your feet repeat itself over and over. No wonder you missed those opportunities in your past.

At least, thats what i find myself thinking as i sit here music blaring in my ears, as i feel the muscle's in my legs after a long day of walking, both at work and around campus.

Maybe its just me But my pattern is starting to become clearer, well to me at least, not sure about the other CP's out there. But I'm starting to see how i can provide myself with the correct information to come to a conclusion that will be beneficial to the games I'm playing at the moment.

i think i should take time out here, and actually define what a game is in the context of me and my blogs. A game is not a device to hurt someone, to cause pain or to manipulate people. Although i do speak of them in these terms because i have found that they are the easiest means to convey what i do in every day life.

I chose the word game because it defines whats actually going on, there is a set of rules (generally specific to the group in currently in, and sometimes even the rules differ between people.) there are the players, the people in the group or the person I'm learning about. There is also an objective for the series of maneuvers that the players initiate and react to.

"1. something played for fun: an activity that people participate in, together or on their own, for fun

10. activity like game: an activity that resembles a game, e.g. one that involves intense interest and competitiveness and is carried out by its own specific and often unspoken rules. "

These two definitions for a game come from http://encarta.msn.com/encnet/features/dictionary/DictionaryResults.aspx?refid=1861614274

By default, the objectives of my games are to get to know people, to help them with their problems, it is unthinkable for me to use my skills to hurt another its unbearable for me to even think about that.

So just to make it plain I'm not using this word game as a derogatory or malicious manor in my blogs, i am using it because what i do fits the definitions for it and its helpful to have one word that can incorporate the complexities of living in a modern society, particularly as a teenager.

Anyway with that done and out of the way, where was i?

*looks back over blog and rereads what he wrote*

Ah yes, i was talking about self delusion, well thats what the impression i was giving anyway, no i was trying to say that im starting to understand the types of information i need to come to a conclusion that is beneficial to my games.

Indeed, it looks like the next few weeks months and maybe even years will be interesting as all these new games play out.

On a final note, i again iterate my one demand of you, SMILE DAMMIT!

Dig up dig up... just bury it again
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: Forgotten - Linkin park
O once what was,
Yet shall never again be,
Shall ever haunt what could be,
For those who should be forgotten,
Prepare to plunge the knife deeper once again.

Do thy think I'm stupid?, albeit the second time i was moonstruck, the first desperate. Now thay think to come back a third time, do i look like a yo yo?

Comical as that may appear, I'm not.

Its amazing how much people forget over the space of a couple of months. Words set to kill are somehow transformed into mutterings of an angry mind. HOW CAN YOU BE THAT STUPID!!!!

If i had wanted to dig you up again i would have done it by now, just stay dead to me so i dont have to kill you again. Is it that hard for someone to realise that thy are dead to you.

*Sigh * i guess not.

Fog has descended into my little glade of happiness, an uncertainty of future, which not innately bad can be unbalancing when dealing with certain individuals.

Who knows what the future holds, pfft i dont care what it holds i just want it to be here.

I'm sick of being in this infinite loop of hopeless loneliness. Forever pricked by the past i want to leave behind.

Maybe my change of scene will let me break this. I hope it does.....

Watch out, theres more here than meets the nose
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Beethovens Moonlight Sonata
Ever noticed in the games that we play, that no matter what position that we take up, our position is always fluid, changing evolving as we learn and experience.

So then, is it possible to truly take up a solid position, or does presenting a person with the right combination of facts just produce a position that is favorable to your game?

I think this is true. Just as a persons perceptions are changed by what you offer them, then so too are their opinions and their positions. Thus as a CP we must be carefully not to alter the fluidity of a persons perception too much or it will become unbalanced.

Yes, within every action that a CP employs there must be balance, to disrupt the balance of someones perception is to step into the territory of the programmers.

In all things, especially where a delicate mix of emotions lie, balance must be maintained at all costs.

Believe me, to unbalance someone is to invite the banality into your own head. The disbelief that manifests in your subject when they are unbalanced, the thing that acts as the natural balancing mechanism. The disbelief in you that limits your strength as a critical .

Other than that, not much for today, the glass door may have been further open than i realised. The sign may have had fine print i did not see. We shall see what the future holds...

Finally awake again
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Some random techno i dont know the name off
How good does it feel to open your eyes for the first time? to see the world, to confirm your reality for the first time.

How painfull is it to suffer that little death that sends you back into the dark, waiting to be awake again, waiting for the chance to affirm your "youness" for the first time again?

Do you remember how it feels? to be granted a place in reality?

I remember, i know, because i woke again today, after 3 years of slumber. I cut all the dirt and rubbish from my mind and stood again. shakily i admit. but stood none the less and stretched my wings.

How, i wont say, who awoke me, i wont say. I merely acknowledge the fact that i am awake again.

I see how people shy from this reawakening, to uncertainty it brings. The fear of the past and the future. Again i have had to stand, pick up my burdens, my tasks, missions and debts, and walk on reaching out once again to set things back into balance. to save those who i can. To carry out the promise i made that night long ago when i first woke, in those brief seconds, that promise that has guided my steps and ruined my heart time and time again.

What promise could possibly do that? What could i have promised while my world crumbled under me, while my all too real dreams invaded my waking life, when the world seemed ready to simply not be.

I made a promise that no one, ever, should have to feel that way, that for everyone i can reach, i will offer a hand and say,"you are not alone, I'm by your side, there is more than this" And so far, i have kept this promise to the exclusion of all else.

Strange you think? i guess it may be. But its how i choose to live, for good or ill.

So you sitting there, smile and know the hand is there, you need but take it.

A glass door
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Dont stay - Linkin Park
Fuk, goddam insomnia keep me up all night, im so buggered today i cant even think straight.

Still a door may have opened today, i say may because it appeared to be open, butw as infact closed with a big do not enter sign hung up infront of the glass. And what did i do? i tried opening it anyway, im such an idiot. Still its my fault i got burned.

i wonder when\if ill ever get it right, probably never, if past experiences are acurate in predicting the future.

Still she took a piece of me with her, and now a piece of her resides on my hat.

Maybe the door is a little open. Who knows.

It would be nice. but i doubt it.

Perceptive intellegence
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Links 2 3 4 - rammstein
Working in a Libra has its advantages, i mean for one the pay is good, on the other hand you get to see all the UN students *Yes i know I'm a hypocrite* wander around aimlessly looking blankly at stack upon stack of books that have nothing to do with them.

Its fun, in my mind, to watch them. Yeah i know i sound like a stalker, its just so interesting to watch them when they dont think anyones looking even tho i squeak as i walk they dont seem to notice me. But yeah the little things they do when they think no ones watching, it tells me so much about them. I'm probably never going to see these people again, but still i cant help myself.

But yeah, its interesting how fearfully some of us students are to approach us attendants, i mean all we wear that is different is a pager and a name badge, *yes thats right i said a pager*. I mean we are students too, n I'm not that hansom that, or repulsive *i hope* that its not hard to approach me, ohk i concede I'm massive, but still so are alot of other people at uni.

And for the umpteenth time I'm giving up looking for a girlfriend, i know ill be looking again in a few weeks but hey still worth a try. things just never seem to go my way, i dont get it but hey not much i can do either.

*sigh*

I wonder if this is punishment for something i did wrong, if it is id like to be informed coz i would like to make amends, I'm not above admitting I'm wrong given the evidence is there. I'm not above changing myself, given the need. I dont get it... its depressing to have nigh on every girl you talk to tense up in fear, or something similar. I mean i know I'm massive, n i can be an imposing presence when i want to... but id like to think i have a gentle heart inside me . I mean i live helping people with thier troubles, i just dont get it...

*sigh*

BEWARE THE MOULDY CHEESE
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Breathe - Prodigy
Goddam, that was a set of nightmares. Heres a lesson children, if you ever put cheese on your rice and find its moldy DO NOT EAT IT, you will pay. believe me you will pay.


Other than that sore legs from work today, standing around shelving books is awfully hard work sometimes.
Still i wonder when ill be payed, I want some takoyaki from the little Japanese place down the road. And some more milk for my cereal.

But yeah, i just have one thing to say. Co workers rock!

Anyway short post today, my stomach isn't agreeing with me *Runs away you later hear a moan of pain and a toilet flushing*

Smile dammit
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Revenge - KMFDM
Hehehe, smile dammit.

Smile so it reaches your eyes, i watch all the fakes, with thier fake little smiles. A genial face and a murderous intent bearly hidden behind it.

Has anyone noticed, the new trend, more and more teenage girls, are killing more and more teenage girls. Its facinating, gruesome but facinating.

Brings into question of the "Fairer sex"

Just reinforcs the fact i guess, nothing is ever what it seems.

Do they know? that there are people that watch, and realise the truth? That on the inside everyone is ugly and ragged? that no matter how much face paint they put on it still shows out of thier eyes?

Ah well maybe one day they will learn.

Guess ill have to wait untill then.....

Change
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Roll on - Greenday
Saw Hot Fuzz today, bloody good. Emphasis on the bloody, jeebus even my mind aint that bad.

I guess even when people change they still stay the same, i mean thier face may change, thier pattern grow more complex but they still react the same.

Its interesting to see, as people from my past pop up everywhere around me people from even before the time i became a critical perciever. I find that the people i knew before i woke up, are even easier for me to predict that those that became my past after i woke up.

Maybe i have always been a CP (critical perciever) just that before i woke up, it was a subconcious act. Still i remember back before i woke up, the whispers were there, but indefinite from my own voice. I remember some of the fights of my youth, where it seemed that my arms and legs moved on thier own accord. So did my mind in those times pasts and futures blured in those moments and from it was born my love of sparing with people.

People think its strange that i distinguish fighting and hurting. But for me the seperation is clear, to loose yourself in a challenge to strip yourself down to the wire and fight, to cut all the crap out of your mind and body and just exist in a state of constant flux. Even if its just for a moment, its is the most wonderfull of feelings. BUt to hurt, to kill, those things destroy the predator just as it destroys the prey.

Its the same opposition as the CP's and the Programmers. To enjoy finding and reading the pattern loosing yourself to the complexity of someone else, is a wonderfull feeling. But destroying or changing that is abhorrent.

To experience, is joy. To live is to be in a state of flux. To kill is to die yourself. These things allow me to appreciate the sunset, the blade of grass, the computer game, the softness of anothers skin, the scent of them as they walk away, not knowing that your heart soars for the mere presence of that smell.

These are things that define me. I recognise them and accept them as truth for myself.