Dig up dig up... just bury it again
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: Forgotten - Linkin park
O once what was,
Yet shall never again be,
Shall ever haunt what could be,
For those who should be forgotten,
Prepare to plunge the knife deeper once again.

Do thy think I'm stupid?, albeit the second time i was moonstruck, the first desperate. Now thay think to come back a third time, do i look like a yo yo?

Comical as that may appear, I'm not.

Its amazing how much people forget over the space of a couple of months. Words set to kill are somehow transformed into mutterings of an angry mind. HOW CAN YOU BE THAT STUPID!!!!

If i had wanted to dig you up again i would have done it by now, just stay dead to me so i dont have to kill you again. Is it that hard for someone to realise that thy are dead to you.

*Sigh * i guess not.

Fog has descended into my little glade of happiness, an uncertainty of future, which not innately bad can be unbalancing when dealing with certain individuals.

Who knows what the future holds, pfft i dont care what it holds i just want it to be here.

I'm sick of being in this infinite loop of hopeless loneliness. Forever pricked by the past i want to leave behind.

Maybe my change of scene will let me break this. I hope it does.....

Watch out, theres more here than meets the nose
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Beethovens Moonlight Sonata
Ever noticed in the games that we play, that no matter what position that we take up, our position is always fluid, changing evolving as we learn and experience.

So then, is it possible to truly take up a solid position, or does presenting a person with the right combination of facts just produce a position that is favorable to your game?

I think this is true. Just as a persons perceptions are changed by what you offer them, then so too are their opinions and their positions. Thus as a CP we must be carefully not to alter the fluidity of a persons perception too much or it will become unbalanced.

Yes, within every action that a CP employs there must be balance, to disrupt the balance of someones perception is to step into the territory of the programmers.

In all things, especially where a delicate mix of emotions lie, balance must be maintained at all costs.

Believe me, to unbalance someone is to invite the banality into your own head. The disbelief that manifests in your subject when they are unbalanced, the thing that acts as the natural balancing mechanism. The disbelief in you that limits your strength as a critical .

Other than that, not much for today, the glass door may have been further open than i realised. The sign may have had fine print i did not see. We shall see what the future holds...

Finally awake again
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Some random techno i dont know the name off
How good does it feel to open your eyes for the first time? to see the world, to confirm your reality for the first time.

How painfull is it to suffer that little death that sends you back into the dark, waiting to be awake again, waiting for the chance to affirm your "youness" for the first time again?

Do you remember how it feels? to be granted a place in reality?

I remember, i know, because i woke again today, after 3 years of slumber. I cut all the dirt and rubbish from my mind and stood again. shakily i admit. but stood none the less and stretched my wings.

How, i wont say, who awoke me, i wont say. I merely acknowledge the fact that i am awake again.

I see how people shy from this reawakening, to uncertainty it brings. The fear of the past and the future. Again i have had to stand, pick up my burdens, my tasks, missions and debts, and walk on reaching out once again to set things back into balance. to save those who i can. To carry out the promise i made that night long ago when i first woke, in those brief seconds, that promise that has guided my steps and ruined my heart time and time again.

What promise could possibly do that? What could i have promised while my world crumbled under me, while my all too real dreams invaded my waking life, when the world seemed ready to simply not be.

I made a promise that no one, ever, should have to feel that way, that for everyone i can reach, i will offer a hand and say,"you are not alone, I'm by your side, there is more than this" And so far, i have kept this promise to the exclusion of all else.

Strange you think? i guess it may be. But its how i choose to live, for good or ill.

So you sitting there, smile and know the hand is there, you need but take it.

A glass door
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Dont stay - Linkin Park
Fuk, goddam insomnia keep me up all night, im so buggered today i cant even think straight.

Still a door may have opened today, i say may because it appeared to be open, butw as infact closed with a big do not enter sign hung up infront of the glass. And what did i do? i tried opening it anyway, im such an idiot. Still its my fault i got burned.

i wonder when\if ill ever get it right, probably never, if past experiences are acurate in predicting the future.

Still she took a piece of me with her, and now a piece of her resides on my hat.

Maybe the door is a little open. Who knows.

It would be nice. but i doubt it.

Perceptive intellegence
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Links 2 3 4 - rammstein
Working in a Libra has its advantages, i mean for one the pay is good, on the other hand you get to see all the UN students *Yes i know I'm a hypocrite* wander around aimlessly looking blankly at stack upon stack of books that have nothing to do with them.

Its fun, in my mind, to watch them. Yeah i know i sound like a stalker, its just so interesting to watch them when they dont think anyones looking even tho i squeak as i walk they dont seem to notice me. But yeah the little things they do when they think no ones watching, it tells me so much about them. I'm probably never going to see these people again, but still i cant help myself.

But yeah, its interesting how fearfully some of us students are to approach us attendants, i mean all we wear that is different is a pager and a name badge, *yes thats right i said a pager*. I mean we are students too, n I'm not that hansom that, or repulsive *i hope* that its not hard to approach me, ohk i concede I'm massive, but still so are alot of other people at uni.

And for the umpteenth time I'm giving up looking for a girlfriend, i know ill be looking again in a few weeks but hey still worth a try. things just never seem to go my way, i dont get it but hey not much i can do either.

*sigh*

I wonder if this is punishment for something i did wrong, if it is id like to be informed coz i would like to make amends, I'm not above admitting I'm wrong given the evidence is there. I'm not above changing myself, given the need. I dont get it... its depressing to have nigh on every girl you talk to tense up in fear, or something similar. I mean i know I'm massive, n i can be an imposing presence when i want to... but id like to think i have a gentle heart inside me . I mean i live helping people with thier troubles, i just dont get it...

*sigh*

BEWARE THE MOULDY CHEESE
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Breathe - Prodigy
Goddam, that was a set of nightmares. Heres a lesson children, if you ever put cheese on your rice and find its moldy DO NOT EAT IT, you will pay. believe me you will pay.


Other than that sore legs from work today, standing around shelving books is awfully hard work sometimes.
Still i wonder when ill be payed, I want some takoyaki from the little Japanese place down the road. And some more milk for my cereal.

But yeah, i just have one thing to say. Co workers rock!

Anyway short post today, my stomach isn't agreeing with me *Runs away you later hear a moan of pain and a toilet flushing*

Smile dammit
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Revenge - KMFDM
Hehehe, smile dammit.

Smile so it reaches your eyes, i watch all the fakes, with thier fake little smiles. A genial face and a murderous intent bearly hidden behind it.

Has anyone noticed, the new trend, more and more teenage girls, are killing more and more teenage girls. Its facinating, gruesome but facinating.

Brings into question of the "Fairer sex"

Just reinforcs the fact i guess, nothing is ever what it seems.

Do they know? that there are people that watch, and realise the truth? That on the inside everyone is ugly and ragged? that no matter how much face paint they put on it still shows out of thier eyes?

Ah well maybe one day they will learn.

Guess ill have to wait untill then.....

Change
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Roll on - Greenday
Saw Hot Fuzz today, bloody good. Emphasis on the bloody, jeebus even my mind aint that bad.

I guess even when people change they still stay the same, i mean thier face may change, thier pattern grow more complex but they still react the same.

Its interesting to see, as people from my past pop up everywhere around me people from even before the time i became a critical perciever. I find that the people i knew before i woke up, are even easier for me to predict that those that became my past after i woke up.

Maybe i have always been a CP (critical perciever) just that before i woke up, it was a subconcious act. Still i remember back before i woke up, the whispers were there, but indefinite from my own voice. I remember some of the fights of my youth, where it seemed that my arms and legs moved on thier own accord. So did my mind in those times pasts and futures blured in those moments and from it was born my love of sparing with people.

People think its strange that i distinguish fighting and hurting. But for me the seperation is clear, to loose yourself in a challenge to strip yourself down to the wire and fight, to cut all the crap out of your mind and body and just exist in a state of constant flux. Even if its just for a moment, its is the most wonderfull of feelings. BUt to hurt, to kill, those things destroy the predator just as it destroys the prey.

Its the same opposition as the CP's and the Programmers. To enjoy finding and reading the pattern loosing yourself to the complexity of someone else, is a wonderfull feeling. But destroying or changing that is abhorrent.

To experience, is joy. To live is to be in a state of flux. To kill is to die yourself. These things allow me to appreciate the sunset, the blade of grass, the computer game, the softness of anothers skin, the scent of them as they walk away, not knowing that your heart soars for the mere presence of that smell.

These are things that define me. I recognise them and accept them as truth for myself.

Self reconciliation
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: The Grouch - Greenday
Wow, what a headfuck last night was, still facing something you have been running away from since you were 13 is a big step for anyone.

Im not quite sure what i was hiding from anymore. But apparently i faced it last night and now my mind is light, free to soar through its theoretical skies.

I went shopping to day and for the first time in a long wile it was not opressive to be snowed in under the weight of the minds of the people there. It was almost... reassuring. Maybe thats because within myself i am content with my self definition.

I can look someone in the eye now and say "I am me because my heart bleeds for the others"

Suddenly the future is full of oppotunities, good ones this time.

Beware "the" truth
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Excuse me - Death boy
Looking back on myself, on my pasts, on my futures i cannot see anything outside my perception. Millions of mind pressing in on me every day, emotions feeling that are not mine, swirl around in my head. I follow them, those patterns, death, terrible suffereing, pain, betrayal, lust and yet joy, comfort, tranquility, contemplation and meditation.

Patterns that emerge press me more so than the minds of those around me. This blister on my finger, it is here and now. It is REAL, and yet it is only real because i acknowledge it to be there, if i ignore it, it does not go away, it merely ceases to be real. It may still affect my pattern, turning it from where a calm blue may lay into a green of annoyance and envy of those who do not have it.

And yet as the voices that twiter in the back of my mind tell me thier stories, of pain betrayal suffering and loss. I find that they are not bitter about it, sadened that they should have lived through it. But not bitter, not resentfull of those who didnt meerly sad that they should have been through it.

It astonishes me, that they should not resent those who did not suffer, it seems the logical... no teh human thing to do, to blame another for your, to expect another to bleed themselves to save you.

And yet, these whisperings of my mind, thier stories fact or deluded fiction, seem saner, seem more balanced than any one person can be. For them, and maybe for us as well, fayt or fate or destiny, whatever you name it. Maybe fayt is real, but not in the sence of a concious being, fayt is the invisible bond that a mother shares with her child. The push that propells a woman accidently into the arms of the man she marries one day. The twinkle in the eye of two teenagers peeking at each other in adolecent lust.

From somewhere in my memory, or my mind comes a "truth" a concept that has been proven true time and time again. Nothing is ever easy or random. For me to deny this, is to say the blister on my finger could not exist because there is no such thing as a blister.

Its a "fact" a point that my mind, and thus my life revoles around. We all have these, i see them in your eyes when you pass me in the hallway, these "truths" that anchor us to our reality. To what we deem is "real".

To you reading this, this fact of mine, might seem strange, alien if you will. Something that could not possibly be true in this world of 7 or so billion people. How could life, reality be anything other than some grand plan? For you it might be whatever deity you believe ins divine will that you move through life. For you this might be a centeral fact of your life. But for me, it is not.

It saddens me greatly, when i see someone press thier facts onto another person, when someone seeks to program another person. I see an oppotunity lost to meet what could be for me a totally different way of life, a compleatly different view of "reality". I see more and more as my 17 years grow larger, that reverance is draining out of my life, out of the lives of those around me.

Reverance, i feel you thinking, what possible use could we have for that in this modern day and age of computers and the internet. Well, when other than now has reverance, the ability to reconize something as sacred and act accordingly.

Sacred, a word i see used less and less. Yes, we all need to hold something sacred, a belief in a deity, a way of thinking, a "fact" something that we can define ourselves by.

"But i do" i hear the reaction in your mind, "I do keep something sacred". If so, i ask, do you try to program this into others? no? good, your respecting the integrity of what you call sacred. Yes? then why are you doing it?

No, enough interregation of my reader.

Nothing is ever easy or random. The pillar i build my life around. Maybe its made me needlessly deep, but i enjoy this, writing to no one, letting my thoughts travel as they will.

Living, at least for me, is an act of self definition. Finding what defines you, and holding onto that. Maybe that is what the whispers in my mind are trying to say when they tell thier stories.

That all the pain, the suffering, the loss, the lust, the joy, the contentment, the happiness. That they all contribute to what defines me. Instead of seeing them as oppressive forces trying to shape me, maybe they shoudl be seen as the strings of fayt, leading me to a deeper understanding of my own self definition.