Self reconciliation
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: The Grouch - Greenday
Wow, what a headfuck last night was, still facing something you have been running away from since you were 13 is a big step for anyone.

Im not quite sure what i was hiding from anymore. But apparently i faced it last night and now my mind is light, free to soar through its theoretical skies.

I went shopping to day and for the first time in a long wile it was not opressive to be snowed in under the weight of the minds of the people there. It was almost... reassuring. Maybe thats because within myself i am content with my self definition.

I can look someone in the eye now and say "I am me because my heart bleeds for the others"

Suddenly the future is full of oppotunities, good ones this time.

Beware "the" truth
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Excuse me - Death boy
Looking back on myself, on my pasts, on my futures i cannot see anything outside my perception. Millions of mind pressing in on me every day, emotions feeling that are not mine, swirl around in my head. I follow them, those patterns, death, terrible suffereing, pain, betrayal, lust and yet joy, comfort, tranquility, contemplation and meditation.

Patterns that emerge press me more so than the minds of those around me. This blister on my finger, it is here and now. It is REAL, and yet it is only real because i acknowledge it to be there, if i ignore it, it does not go away, it merely ceases to be real. It may still affect my pattern, turning it from where a calm blue may lay into a green of annoyance and envy of those who do not have it.

And yet as the voices that twiter in the back of my mind tell me thier stories, of pain betrayal suffering and loss. I find that they are not bitter about it, sadened that they should have lived through it. But not bitter, not resentfull of those who didnt meerly sad that they should have been through it.

It astonishes me, that they should not resent those who did not suffer, it seems the logical... no teh human thing to do, to blame another for your, to expect another to bleed themselves to save you.

And yet, these whisperings of my mind, thier stories fact or deluded fiction, seem saner, seem more balanced than any one person can be. For them, and maybe for us as well, fayt or fate or destiny, whatever you name it. Maybe fayt is real, but not in the sence of a concious being, fayt is the invisible bond that a mother shares with her child. The push that propells a woman accidently into the arms of the man she marries one day. The twinkle in the eye of two teenagers peeking at each other in adolecent lust.

From somewhere in my memory, or my mind comes a "truth" a concept that has been proven true time and time again. Nothing is ever easy or random. For me to deny this, is to say the blister on my finger could not exist because there is no such thing as a blister.

Its a "fact" a point that my mind, and thus my life revoles around. We all have these, i see them in your eyes when you pass me in the hallway, these "truths" that anchor us to our reality. To what we deem is "real".

To you reading this, this fact of mine, might seem strange, alien if you will. Something that could not possibly be true in this world of 7 or so billion people. How could life, reality be anything other than some grand plan? For you it might be whatever deity you believe ins divine will that you move through life. For you this might be a centeral fact of your life. But for me, it is not.

It saddens me greatly, when i see someone press thier facts onto another person, when someone seeks to program another person. I see an oppotunity lost to meet what could be for me a totally different way of life, a compleatly different view of "reality". I see more and more as my 17 years grow larger, that reverance is draining out of my life, out of the lives of those around me.

Reverance, i feel you thinking, what possible use could we have for that in this modern day and age of computers and the internet. Well, when other than now has reverance, the ability to reconize something as sacred and act accordingly.

Sacred, a word i see used less and less. Yes, we all need to hold something sacred, a belief in a deity, a way of thinking, a "fact" something that we can define ourselves by.

"But i do" i hear the reaction in your mind, "I do keep something sacred". If so, i ask, do you try to program this into others? no? good, your respecting the integrity of what you call sacred. Yes? then why are you doing it?

No, enough interregation of my reader.

Nothing is ever easy or random. The pillar i build my life around. Maybe its made me needlessly deep, but i enjoy this, writing to no one, letting my thoughts travel as they will.

Living, at least for me, is an act of self definition. Finding what defines you, and holding onto that. Maybe that is what the whispers in my mind are trying to say when they tell thier stories.

That all the pain, the suffering, the loss, the lust, the joy, the contentment, the happiness. That they all contribute to what defines me. Instead of seeing them as oppressive forces trying to shape me, maybe they shoudl be seen as the strings of fayt, leading me to a deeper understanding of my own self definition.

For all those about to die
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: Souvenir - Korn
Is it just me, or have the number of people thinkin death is a release exponentially multiplied or something?

Where does this idea come from that death is a realease, a way out? No one stops to contemplate teh fact that it might just nto be a release, it could be a sentence for eternity to endure the mental pain brought upon he individual in life. With no chance to rectify the inbalance in thier minds.

A frightening prospect? In the age of Gil does it really matter? Of course, its made more poingant in the age of Gil, the effect this simple statement has on those with suicidal tendancies, in the cases i have experienced, has been profound. Sometimes even causing a reversal of mood.

Why is it that this option remains hidden in the minds of those who look for death, could it be that they block out the power being alive gives a conciousness? The mere fact that the individual is alive gives them an infinatly undescribably amount of control over their state of mind.

Maybe it is that they dont realise how malleable perception is, that by force of will alone losing can become winning, failure, success. Sadness, happiness, or any number of binary oppositions, it is not limited to these alone critically aproaching your own perception can seem like a strange unusal and unnatural way to look at life, but the power it offers towards understanding the nature of your own urges and intern others urges is nigh on unbelievable.

Im often asked how i can know so much about somone after speaking to them for 5 minutes or less. Just listening to someone recount what happened in thier day offers insights into that person, thier state of mind, the way they think, and perhaps more importantly what they leave out, skirt around, or hint at shows whats really on thier minds.

When i am asked, i cant help but smile and tell them people are like patterns, pick up the pattern, know its twists, its turns, its colours and then you know how they will react to the stimuli they face in thier lives, it also gives insight to thier pasts. Something, someone shapped this patten, someone caused this irregularity or that colour change. Then comparing peoples patterns together you can see how interactions with certain types of people give certain results. Anyalysing this, using the critically honed tool that is your preception you can recreate these events in your head. Thus understanding the motivations of the person.

Yet still, its is impossible to truly "know" how people work, just have a table of stimuli and responses. At anytime contact with someone who approces thier perception critically can change the pattern of the person.

There is then, no absolute observer in life, as each node of perception, as each person observes and interacts with others thier patterns subtally change. For those who abuse thier power, thier ability to influnce the uncritical perception, controlling people comes naturally as is displayed in the cults and religions of history and today.

In this respect critical percievers can become "Programmers" of people. This is a gross misuse of critical perception, it violates the independance of the individual. Critical percievers should always limit thier influence on the individuals they interact with. "Switiching off" is an appropriate term i think, learning when it is time to critically percieve and when its time to put down the magnifying glass and join the masses.

Percievers who can do this can function properly within the masses, without seeming cold, distant, painfully direct. This also prevents them from misusing thier perception and becoming a programmer.

Overall those who see release in death, while not wrong for some there may be a release: such as the terminally ill, those who seek death to escape from the "troubles of life" or the "social, political ect injustices inflicted on them" cast off thier ability as individuals to change thier circumstances. Thus those who become critical percievers should, if it is appropriate, try to show those who have forotten thier power as an individual that the only certain thing is right now. You, sitting there reading this, can only be sure of this moment, because your future is clouded with possibilities, just as your past is manipulated by the present, how you feel, how you think, how you react to your memories changes moment to moment and so cannot be relied upon.

Maths is simpler
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: secrets -grinspoon
If only people were like equations, put in the right value and get the right responce. I guess then it woudl be to easy. I mean people are like patterns. i guess, they just keep reacting the same way to teh same stimuli over and over again untill they finally learn to adapt. This may take years even.

Maybe i just adapt faster than most. i dont know. Been programming maths equations in C. And its reassuring to know that they actually work teh first time. A little artisty goes along way in the world of science, well i think anyway.

Killing time killing time. Twittering in the back of my head all these what ifs, so easily shut out of a program yet so hard to shut out of a mind. :et them dance around in here long enougha nd you might be lucky enough to loose your mind and ennd up in one of those nice padded cells thier always talking about lol. Nah hold onto your wits i say, much more fun.

Another hot day, i hope that cyclone, whatsitsname comes down here soon and dumps an unholy amount of rain and coolness on us. Woudl be nice to not wake up in a bath of my own sweat, im sure you agree. Youd have to be a strange sort of person not to.

Sometimes i wonder if i really have grown at all in the last 5 years. Certainly my body has gotten bigger, stronger, more manlike. But has my mind followed suit? or has it held onto its innocence to teh point of breaking itself trying to fit into that old mold.

I guess the question is was i ever innocent to begin with.. im sure i have answered that many times over but hey once more isnt gunna do much. Some woudl say yes, i mean can an infant be anything more than innocent? a developing mind with no idea of good and evil.

i read today on one of those many indexing sites around, tagged i think it was. I read a quote i put up there about 3 years ago. Or rather it feels liek 3 years but probably wasnt all that long ago. it read

" Im just that evil, or was it good. I cant tell teh two apart anymore"

well isnt that what innocence is? the inability to decern the difference between good and evil? More liekly the case is that these days good and evil have blended into a nice gray we can call Gil. Well i think Gil is a sutible name for the state of mind of most people these days.

Gil is human i guess. Well Humanity is the embodyment of Gil. Gil is being able to discern that good and evil are no longer applicable terms. Good and evil have become relative. Now its desired result. not whether the methods are logical or even sane. As long as the desired effect is produced the ends justify the means.

Some defy Gil and try, to use only "good" methods in getting thier desired effects. they are chewed up spat out an trampled on by the less scrupulous of the general public.

Maybe onday knowledge of Gil will become widespread and maybe then we will see a change.

Repetition
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Welcome -Slipknot
Mmkay, this has really got my goat, so to speak. Anyone else out there get the feeling thier just walkin in circles? Makin the same goddam mistakes over and over?

No? yes? I know i am, stuck in this rut they call "single life". That ache in your gut that tells you your all alone in the end. The same ache that rises to your throat every time you try to break its hold on you, turning you into that goofball, that funny guy, that freak. The total opposite to the you that you wanted to present to the person that you have interest in.

It pisses me off to no end, im the sweet one, the good friend, the bad drunk. GAH wont anyone just look and see whats really happnening? Or am i just so good at hiding these days that no one even notices anymore.

Eternally it seems i have teh answeres to other peoples problems, the right words, the right gesture. The shoulder to cry on, the hands to defend. And yet.... and yet even so that very same ache i cure in people every day, still rises up and destroys me.

Maybe there is a way around it, i dont know. Everyone says wait, everyone says she will come. Wait!, iv been waiting for aslong as i can remember. JUst trudging around in the same circle trying the same things over and over.

Well, i give up, fuck what everyone else thinks im gunna do things my way for once. A quiet smile, a kind word. For once ill just be me.

First blog
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: To the sea - Up all night
Well its another 40 degree day and thanks to some administrative bungle i have the morning off. Woot for ceremonies. I suppose i should introduce myself Im Glen "Insert random flavour of the moment nickname" Saunders. Im 17 and live in Perth Western Australia.

Im currently, well not currently as im typing this but you get the picture, attending Murdoch University doing a triple major of Games Technology, Computer Science and Multimedia information systems.

Boring life i hear you thinking. Well i guess it is, still we all have our little things that perk up every day. Some people have sports, others thier immutable social life. Me? Iv just got a bunch of alter egos floating around in the back of my head. If your lucky sometime in this blog youll meet them ( i pity those who do). But yeah i guess thats an into for ya.