Conditional maddness
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Bled for days -Static-X
God i hate being uncertain. Haha stupid thing to hate isn't it? Since so much of our lives these days are filled with it. Still i hate it.

Uncertainty, mainly about the future has taken me by the gut recently. Its scaring the hell out of me. Someone who is used to being able to see a few steps ahead of whats happening.

So being reduced to mere reaction has unsettled and made me moody. As no doubt those around me have noticed.

Still the moon has been pretty hasnt it? in its fullness, half hidden by cloud like an empherial eye gazing down on my comings and goings. I love the full moon, gives the night a sense of mystery and otherworldliness. A feel of which i like being a part of very much. Its calming and exhilirating at the same time.

Its so nice to walk home under the moonlight, to spend a few hours with a friend watching the moon and talking about whatever comes to mind. Gives me such a feeling of wholeness, of completeness.

Sadly, but then again very happily colouring these events is the overriding uncertainty over my future. I know what i would like to happen, and i will do what i can to bring those about. But then again the question of my expendability, the ease of my replacement. The feeling that nothing would change if i were to simply just cease to be.

Sometimes i think it would be best if i did just cease to be. Then that immutable voice of my brain pipes up with all the "What ifs" of that circumstance.

A good friend of mine once emplored me never to break, I replied to them that " i didnt have a choice but not to break". I dont think they understood, that again whenever i get to that stage, the immutable voice of my brain pipes up with the "What ifs" of my imminent breakdown.

In the wake of this, the mental ducttape is deployed and the tears in my mind are patched over until a train of thought can be contrived to cover the hole.

So to my friend i say "I have no choice but not to break" i mean there is no one that is out there to save me, as i try to do for others. So i end up just accumulating layers of mental ducttape.

Sad really....