Hardened Criminal V:
Nicole S. & Orithain
DISCLAIMER: Mulder and Krycek belong to CC, 1013 and Fox,
and we'll return them a little tired but a lot happier when we're done.
Alex woke up in Mulder's arms, and for a moment, he was afraid to open
his eyes, afraid that it was all a dream. But he did open them, and Mulder
was there, wrapped around him, his heartbeat a comforting thud beneath
Alex's cheek. For the first time in a very long time, Alex Krycek smiled
when he woke up.
"Good morning," came the sleep-roughened voice from above his
Alex smiled and snuggled closer, unwilling to move just yet. He'd dreamt
of this for so long. "Is it still morning?" he murmured,
remembering how they'd made love again and again the night before, then
talked for hours. He didn't think there was a single instant in either of
their lives that the other didn't know about now.
"Probably not," Mulder replied. "Which means we really
should get up. Sam could get here at any minute."
"Too late, big brother," a laughing feminine voice put in,
making both of them squeeze their eyes shut in dismay. They felt the
mattress shift as she sat down, and Fox fumbled blindly for the sheet,
yanking it up to their waists. "You must be Alex," she continued.
"Hi. I'm Sam."
Alex opened his eyes again to find a hand extended practically under his
nose. He sighed, cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and shook it. This was
not how he'd pictured their first meeting.
Sam grinned at the two obviously embarrassed men. She hadn't planned
this, but she was rather glad that it had happened. Seeing them like this,
all their defenses down, bodies entwined together like some Chinese puzzle,
it was clear that they really did love each other. When Alex glanced up at
Fox and their eyes met, she could see the love in the look. The last of her
doubts were put to rest.
"Hi Fox," she chirped, leaning over, one hand on Alex's
shoulder for balance, to kiss her brother's cheek.
Mulder glared at her. "Would you please get out of here so we can
"I'm a doctor, big brother. I've seen it all before."
Fox growled, but she only grinned at him unrepentantly. Alex couldn't
help it; he burst into laughter. Sam smiled with satisfaction and headed for
the kitchen, telling them that she'd put the coffee on.
As soon as she left, Mulder let out a heartfelt groan. "I shoulda
sold her when she was a kid."
Alex snickered, though the flush of embarrassment hadn't yet faded from
his cheeks. "Well, you have to admit it was a memorable
Fox snorted. "I'd really rather my kid sister didn't remember quite
so much of you."
Alex eyed him, unsure if that was protectiveness for his sister or
jealousy of him speaking.
Fox sighed. "Look, I know I can trust you both - And I do! - but I
also know that you never even considered a man as a lover. And you're
beautiful. There's no way I'm going to be comfortable with you being naked
around a woman." He looked sheepish when he finished, but he meant
Alex shook his head in disbelief. "I love you, you idiot. I don't
want anyone else."
Mulder chuckled at that oh-so-romantic declaration, and so did Alex when
he realized what he'd said.
"Come on," Alex urged, getting to his feet and pulling on a
pair of sweats and a T-shirt from the clothes Fox had bought for him.
"If we don't get out there soon, your sister is going to come in here
after us again."
With that to inspire him, Fox was up and dressed similarly in moments.
Remembering the night before, he knew they really ought to shower, but it
wasn't as if Sam didn't know that they were lovers. Coffee first, then
shower. Preferably with her out of the house.
They made it into the kitchen with only one stop to kiss along the way, a
miracle of self-restraint in Mulder's opinion and one he didn't really
appreciate. He glared at his much-beloved younger sister, whom he wished on
another planet at that moment. Sam and Alex both snickered, and he bestowed
a wounded look on his lover.
Great, just great. They have the same damned sense of humor. I'm gonna
be outnumbered for the rest of my life. He grumbled mentally for a
moment, then watched his sister and lover joking together as if they'd known
each other all their lives. I'm damned lucky to have them. He
suddenly stood up and swept them into his arms, startling them. "I love
you," he stated, getting happy smiles from both in response.
Sam had gone out after breakfast, saying she knew they needed some time
alone. "I'll get together with some of my friends, then I'll meet you
for dinner. Did you want to go out somewhere to celebrate or stay in
Before Fox could say a word, Alex had replied, "Stay in. I want to
celebrate in our home. Nothing could be better."
Samantha had given him a look of gratitude Fox couldn't see. She had
known perfectly well that Alex was trying to minimize his public appearances
in Fox's hometown to give her brother a chance to decide how he wanted to
After she left, Alex and Fox took a long shower together, only dragging
themselves out when the hot water began to run out. Wrapped in a towel, Fox
headed down to the living room to find the family photo albums that Alex
wanted to see, planning to bring them back up to the bedroom so they could
curl up in bed together while they looked through them.
Albums in hand, he turned to go back upstairs to the bedroom only to stop
"Hey, Fox, what's up? My mom wasn't feeling well and called me to
come up and help her with some stuff. Once I get everything done, I thought
we could get together for a pizza and some beers tonight."
"Mike." Fox felt like he was moving in slow motion, everything
seeming to be at a distance, almost like there was a sheet of glass between
him and the world.
"Hey, what's up, Fox? You're not mad that I let myself in, are
you?" Mike was puzzled. He and Fox had been letting themselves into
each other's homes since they were kids. Granted he hadn't done it often
since they stopped being lovers, but it didn't seem to warrant the shock Fox
"What's taking so long, Fox? Did you get lost?" A laughing
voice came from the hallway, getting louder as the person came downstairs,
and Mike suddenly realized that he might have interrupted something. Before
he could say anything, the man stepped into the room, wet hair slicked back
and a towel wrapped around his waist. The newcomer froze, his eyes widening
as he stared at Michael.
Michael stared back, unable to believe what he was seeing.
"Krycek?" he whispered almost soundlessly, making Mulder
flinch. "Krycek!" he snarled, taking only a single step toward the
man he hated before Mulder yelled "no!" and jumped in front of
"Fox?" Mike couldn't believe this. There had to be some kind of
"I'm sorry, Mike. I never meant to hurt you," Mulder offered
sadly, never moving from between Mike and Alex.
"That's Krycek," Michael practically spat the name.
"That's the man who killed my Jamie."
Listening to them, Alex closed his eyes, his belly clenching as if
against a blow. He was desperately afraid that he was about to lose Fox,
that their time together was about to end. No! he thought
desperately. It's not enough! Damnit, you can't take him away from me
after less than a day.
Michael looked over Fox's shoulder at the man who had the same stony
expression now as he'd had in the courtroom. He clearly didn't feel a thing,
didn't give a damn about anyone except himself. Michael's lip curled up, and
he pushed Fox aside, determined to kill the little bastard who'd taken Jamie
away from him. He was shocked when Fox grabbed him by the shoulder, swinging
him around, and punched him. He reeled back a step and simply stared.
"Please, Mike, don't make me do this," Fox begged, firmly
planted between Michael and Krycek.
"What are you doing, Fox?" Mike demanded in bewilderment.
"That's Krycek!" He sounded like a hurt child who'd been betrayed
by a trusted adult, and Mulder flinched.
"I know, Mike. But I can't let you hurt him." Mulder's voice
was raw with his pain.
"Is this some kind of work program and you got stuck with him?"
Michael begged Fox to provide some kind of reasonable explanation.
"No, Mike." Fox had to look away and take a deep breath before
continuing. "Alex lives here. With me."
"Fox?" Mike pleaded.
Fox couldn't meet his eyes. He stepped back until his back was pressed
against Krycek, and he reached back to take one of Krycek's hands in his,
lacing their fingers together tightly. Hanging on tightly for courage, he
forced himself to raise his gaze and meet Mike's bewildered, betrayed pain
"I love him, Mike."
Michael actually flinched as if a body blow had been landed. His eyes met
Fox's again, and there was nothing except anger, hatred and disgust in their
depths. "I don't know you." And he turned and walked out.
Mulder stood staring after his best friend, shivering with reaction, and
Alex wrapped his arms around him, trying to comfort him. Mulder raised
desolate, muddy brown eyes to him.
"He hates me. I've lost him."
Alex hugged him even more tightly for an instant, then carefully released
him and stepped back. "That's not necessarily true. All you have to do
is go after him and explain that it was some kind of temporary insanity.
He'll forgive you. He's praying for you to do exactly that right now."
"No!" Mulder exclaimed sharply. "He's been my best friend
all my life, and I'll miss him, but I wouldn't give you up for anyone, not
even Sam. I love you."
"God, what a pair of fools we are," Alex groaned. "Okay,
babe, you're stuck with me now."
"Good." Mulder gazed longingly toward the door one more time,
then lay his head on Alex's shoulder and wept. He wept for himself, for
losing his friend; he wept for Michael, who had lost his lover and
his friend; he wept for Jamie, whose death was the catalyst that had started
all of this; and he wept for Alex, whose life had been turned topsy turvy
partially through his own actions and partially through Mulder's.
Alex urged him back toward the bedroom, where they curled up together,
Mulder just needing the comfort of human contact. Mulder eventually dozed
off, exhausted by his emotional outburst, but Alex lay wide awake, watching
him. God, Fox, I have completely fucked up your entire life. I swear to
you I will make you happy from now. Just give me the chance. Please.
Eventually he too dozed off, wrapped protectively around his lover like a
mother bear protecting her cub.
By the time Sam came home for dinner, both men were downstairs arguing
over which kind of Chinese food they wanted to order. The incidents of the
day were hidden from her as they ribbed each other.
"Fox, chop suey is just way too plain." Alex grabbed the menu
from Wong's out of Mulder's hand and looked at it. "Hang on a second,
let's see what else is on this menu. What about chicken with black bean
sauce? Or lo mein?"
"Black beans? Why are they black? Are they bad? What's lo mein?"
Both Alex and Sam laughed. "Black beans are black because they're
black! It's good stuff. I'll have to make some Cajun for you one day. Lo
mein are thick noodles that are incredibly good." Alex thought for a
minute, his mouth salivating. "Better yet, where's your phone book,
let's get Szechwan instead."
"We don't have a Szechwan restaurant."
"What do you mean, you don't have a Szechwan restaurant?"
"Fox is lucky to have Chinese food as it is," Sam said.
"Spicy pork with peanut sauce, lemongrass soup with little dumplings
and shrimp with chili peppers and noodles are a tad weird for this neck of
"Oh God, that just makes me want it more."
"I'm telling you, Wong's has great food. I'm going to order it
whether you like it or not because if I wait any longer, we're going to
Alex and Sam gave each other a defeated look but then started laughing.
Mulder rolled his eyes as he started to dial.
They waited an hour before the food came, and all three of them dug into
it ravenously. Alex was apologetic to Mulder after tasting it; it was quite
good. Then the three of them settled down to watch a movie on TV. Sam curled
up in Mulder's chair, the two men wrapped around each other on the couch.
About midnight they all went to bed, Mulder and Alex making slow, quiet love
before falling asleep.
Early the next morning, Mulder found himself wide-awake. He looked at the
clock, 3:29 am. He groaned to himself; he hated it when he woke after only a
few hours sleep. He lay there for a few minutes with his eyes closed and
tried to will himself back to sleep. Nope, not going to work. And now I
have to pee.
He tried to move but found Alex wrapped around him like a python, his
weight pressing comfortably down upon him. Slowly, he disentangled himself,
leaving Alex to hug his pillow, sighing softly in his sleep.
Mulder padded to the bathroom and flicked on the light, his eyes
squinting in the harsh contrast from the previous darkness. He shut the door
behind him, stumbled to the toilet and relieved himself. He flushed then
washed his hands. Catching his reflection in the mirror, he noticed a large
bruise around his left nipple. He also had a hickey just above his navel.
He smiled as he thought of what he and Alex had done in the past 24
hours. He hadn't come that often in years, since... Mike. Mulder shut
his eyes as the events of yesterday suddenly replayed in his mind. He saw
the hurt in Michael's eyes; he saw himself fucking punching his best
friend to defend Alex.
He shook his head, telling himself he wouldn't do this. He told himself
he wouldn't dwell on what had happened yesterday. He had meant what he said
when he told Alex he wouldn't give him up for anyone. He loved him that
Mulder opened his eyes and looked at himself. If Mike couldn't accept him
and Alex together then tough! Mike had to deal with the fact that he
had left Fox and gone on with his life and found other people, and
now it was Mulder's turn to find someone to love.
But my lover killed his lover. And the look on his face
when I told him I loved Alex...
Mulder groaned in frustration, willing the voice inside his head to be
silent. It was done. He loved Alex and Alex loved him. It wasn't just sex;
they had some sort of bond. Something he had felt from the first time they
Deep in his heart, Mulder knew that they were meant to be together, and
no one, nothing was going to come between them. "No one said it was
going to be easy," he said to his reflection.
He flicked off the light and padded back to bed where Alex was still
hugging the pillow. Mulder crawled in beside him and settled down, putting
his arm around his lover in a protective embrace.
"Nothing's coming between us," he whispered to Alex before
dropping a kiss onto the sleeping man's forehead. Mulder lay there thinking
for a few hours, until sleep finally claimed him.
Mulder woke to tender kisses whispering across his jaw. He smiled but
didn't open his eyes as the kisses moved down his neck to his chest. He
could feel hands caressing his hips and thighs with smooth, fluid strokes.
"Good morning," a voice whispered.
"Good morning," he said, his eyes still closed.
"Sleep well?" The mouth moved down further, kissing his chest
"Yes," he lied. "You?"
"Mmmmm, yes. I dreamt of what I was going to do to you when I woke
Mulder licked his lips, "Yeah, and what's that?" His eyes
suddenly flew open and he gasped when Alex bit his already bruised nipple.
"Make you make noises like that."
Mulder moaned as Alex continued the assault on the nipple. They made love
slowly, Alex paying special attention to every inch of Mulder's body. Mulder
was brought to the brink time and time again before Alex allowed them both
their release. They lay there afterward, limbs twined together until Mulder
insisted they clean themselves up, lest they stick together.
"But I don't mind if we stick together. Then I could kiss you
all day," Alex said, his tongue tracing around Mulder's lips.
"If you're trying to get me excited, forget it." He sighed,
"It is?" Alex's eyes glittered. "We'll just see about
Alex was kissing him again, his tongue tracing every inch of the interior
of Mulder's mouth. Alex's hands were also all over his body, moving down to
cup his ass and tease his entrance then back up to massage his shoulders and
arms. While this was going on, Alex's hips were moving back and forth,
rubbing their cocks together. Mulder could feel Alex's cock stiffen and
start to poke into his hip. He was surprised when he felt his own cock come
alive again; he had been sure it was down for the count.
When the teasing, kissing and rubbing had reached its peak, Mulder
dragged Alex to the shower and took him, hard and rough, against the tiles,
biting into his shoulder as he came, the hot water steaming up around their
naked bodies. Now he was surely spent; he slumped against Alex's back,
breathing hard. Suddenly, there was a pounding on the door.
"You two had better not use up all the hot water, or I'm going to be
really pissed off!"
Mulder's face dropped. "Oh no, I forgot she was here," he
Alex snickered, "Me too."
"C'mon, you two, get out of there."
"Okay, okay. Give us a minute or two," Mulder yelled.
"I'm giving you two minutes exactly. After that, I'm coming
in, and I don't care what you are doing!"
"Oh shit, she sounds mad," Mulder said. He removed himself from
Alex and began to wash him quickly, then himself. Finally, they scurried out
of the shower and back to the bedroom to get dressed. "I'm never going
to get tired of waking up like this," Mulder said as he kissed Alex
"You mean your sister hearing everything we've done in the
Mulder groaned, "I'm thankful she has an open mind."
"Let's hope she's hard of hearing."
"She's not, believe me. As a kid she could hear me open a bag of
chips two flights down in the basement." Mulder grabbed Alex one more
time and caressed his ass. "I meant waking up with you in my arms and
making love over and over again. I'll never tire of that, babe. Although I
could use a nap in between sessions."
Alex laughed and pulled away. "We'd better stop or we're going to be
here all day, and I don't think Sam will appreciate that."
"She'll get over it. Is staying here with me such a bad thing?"
Mulder grabbed for his lover one more time.
"Only when I'm this hungry. C'mon, I'll make you
They went downstairs, and Mulder took a seat at the table while Alex
rooted through the fridge and the cupboards.
"I can see why you took out that pantry, you don't have any food to
put in it!"
Alex turned around. "Fox, a hardened block of brown sugar, ten boxes
of Kraft Dinner and an old jar of pickles does not constitute food. You
don't even have staples such as eggs."
"I had eggs," Mulder retorted. "But I broke them all when
I tried to make you Chicken Florentine."
Alex laughed, "Fox, there aren't any eggs in Chicken
"I know, but the carton fell out of the fridge, and then I stepped
Alex threw back his head and started laughing louder.
"It's not funny," Mulder giggled.
"Yes, it is," Alex said as he wiped the tears that had formed
in his eyes from laughing. "Give me the keys to your car, and I'll go
grocery shopping. I'll make sure I buy enough to stock this kitchen
"I'm not giving you the keys to my car."
"When's the last time you drove? Is your license even valid anymore?
Besides, do you have any money to buy these groceries with?"
Alex opened his mouth to argue, but then he stopped and crossed his arms
over his chest. "I don't know."
Mulder smirked, "I guess that's something we'll have to do this
week. We'll see about your license and accessing your bank accounts.
Meanwhile, get your shoes on, and I'll take you two for breakfast when Sam
is ready, and then we can go grocery shopping."
Alex licked his lips and thought fast; he didn't like the idea of them
going out in public together this soon. His stomach grumbled as he said,
"I'm not that hungry. Why don't I give you a list, and you can go
shopping for me?"
"Bullshit, I can hear your stomach rumbling from over here. And I
don't want to be responsible if I buy you the wrong things."
"I trust you..." Alex knew he wasn't putting on a very good
show, and Mulder could sense it because he walked right over and stood in
front of him.
"I...do you think we should be seen together? I mean it's very new
for a lot of people who live in small towns. Two men...together..." An
ex-con and an ex-CO.
Alex raised his eyebrows but said nothing. They were going to have
to come out sooner or later. This was Mulder's hometown... He smiled
weakly but kissed Mulder on the cheek just the same. "Okay, I'll get
Breakfast passed without incident at the diner that was located across
from the hospital. Mulder was right; they did have very good waffles. Alex
savored every bite; he hadn't had waffles in so long. They ate leisurely,
Mulder and Sam filling him in about the details of the town. Alex noticed
how they would argue with each other one minute, yet agree with each other
the next. They also jabbed each other a lot with their elbows and gave each
other looks only siblings could. He felt a twinge of jealousy; being an only
child he didn't have that kind of relationship with anyone.
Sam had driven her own car to the diner; she had a baby shower to attend
that afternoon. She gave both men a kiss and left them to finish by
When Alex had had his fill of local gossip and coffee, he and Mulder
drove to the supermarket. It was in a complex on the outskirts of town with
a large hardware store and various other "big box" stores
"This all opened last summer," Mulder said. "It's killing
downtown, but we all shop here anyway." He shrugged and selected a
Alex and Mulder went down the aisles, Alex placing many items in the cart
that made Mulder's eyebrows rise. At the outset, Alex was nervous, looking
around, waiting for someone to look at them strangely. Fortunately, it
wasn't that crowded, being a weekday, and he soon relaxed. They had finally
gotten to the bakery section, the last section in the store, with a full
cart when Alex remembered he had forgotten lemons.
"What do you need lemons for?"
"I can't very well make you eggs benedict without lemons. I need it
for the hollandaise sauce."
"Oh, wait, I've got one of those little plastic lemons that has
juice inside of it."
Alex turned toward him, horror on his face. "Mulder, that is not
real lemon juice."
"Yes, it is; it says it's real on the sticker."
Alex rolled his eyes. "I'll go get a couple of lemons. I'll be right
back." He hesitated for a minute, wanting to kiss Mulder but instead
shot him a grin before he turned and walked back to the produce department.
Mulder stood there, waiting for Alex to come back, looking at the freshly
baked pies that were on display. He couldn't decide if he wanted apple or
pecan but didn't want to take both. When he was... single? he smirked
at that thought, Living alone? he would have just bought both, taken
them home and devoured one for dinner. Now he had Alex the gourmet to cook
for him and couldn't wait to try whatever he made for him.
"They have everything here, don't they?" a voice said to
Mulder turned around to find Bill Slack, one of the guards he had worked
with at the prison, talking to him. "Hey, Bill, what's up?"
"Not much, Fox." He surveyed Mulder's full shopping cart.
"You've got quite a load there."
Mulder nodded, but an uneasy feeling started to settle in his stomach.
The way Bill was looking at him was the same kind of look the COs gave the
cons when they were about to question them. "Stocking up."
"I see," Bill said as he leaned in close. "I heard a rumor
about you, Mulder."
Mulder licked his lips. The unwritten rule was last names inside, first
names outside. He knew this wasn't going to be good.
"I heard that you let some murdering con move in with you, Mulder. I
heard that you're some kind of fag, that you've been a fag all along. That
Mulder didn't say anything.
"I worked beside you up in D block for two years. And all that time
you were a fag?" Bill's voice lowered, and his mouth turned into a
sneer. "Were you thinking of fucking me, Mulder? Huh? What about the
other guys? Were you looking at the other COs when we were in the showers
after all those baseball games?"
Just then Alex came around the corner and saw the confrontation. Bill
looked up and glared at Alex. "Here's your little murdering
son-of-a-bitch prag now."
Alex started toward them and was about to say something, but Mulder shook
his head slightly. "Bill, I'm sorry you feel that way, but..."
"But what? You're in love?" He snorted, "Did you
have romantic little interludes during working hours? Moon over each from a
distance? Or did you find a way to let this...this...scum fuck you up the
ass?" Bill spat, "You make me sick." With that he stormed
Mulder's heart sank. He knew people wouldn't welcome their relationship
with open arms, but he hadn't expected conflict so soon. How the hell did
he did he figure out anything had happened at work? I thought we were
careful? Fuck, who the hell am I kidding? Everyone knows we didn't know each
other before he went to prison, so where else could it have started? Oh God,
it must be all over town by now. He felt Alex touch his arm, and he
pulled it away sharply before he realized what he was doing. He turned to
"It's okay. Let's just go home."
The ride home was solemnly silent, Alex not knowing what to say. 'Sorry I
fucked up your life? Sorry your friends hate you? Sorry the whole town
probably knows what we did?' It would sound stupid. They got home and lugged
the groceries inside. Alex started to put them away but didn't know where
"You're going to have to tell me where you want everything. I'm not
sure where it should all go."
Mulder was sitting at the kitchen table staring off into space.
"What?" Mulder snapped back to reality.
Alex put the bottle of sesame oil down and went over to sit beside
Mulder. He took his hands in his and kissed them. "Baby, I'm
"You don't need to be sorry for anything. It's their problem if they
can't accept it." The last words came out as a whisper.
Alex knew Mulder was putting on a brave front; he could see the tears
brimming in his eyes. Mulder drew in a great shuddering breath, and a large
tear fell from one eye. Alex wiped it away with a finger.
"Bill. That was that guy's name. Bill was a good guy. We worked
together, played softball together, drank a lot of beers together. He was my
friend." Mulder started to cry.
Alex reached over and took him into his arms. He had a feeling Mulder
would be doing this a lot. It was quite an adjustment from having a good
career and friends to just having some ex-con as a lover. Mulder cried for a
good while before he stopped and wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand.
He then excused himself and went upstairs to lie down.
Alex felt bad. Again, he didn't know what to say to Mulder. He tended to
clam up when he was faced with any sort of stress. Slowly he stood and went
back to the groceries that he had abandoned on the floor. After he had put
everything away and mostly rearranged Mulder's kitchen, he went upstairs.
Mulder was asleep on the bed, his eyes still swollen from crying.
Carefully, Alex lay down beside him and snuggled up to his back. "I'm
sorry," he barely whispered. "I'm so fucking sorry." He
kissed Mulder's shoulder and held his lover close, tears stinging his eyes.
Late that afternoon, Alex was julienning carrots when Sam came home.
"Hello, anyone home?"
Alex stepped into the hallway from the kitchen and smiled at her.
"Hey, other big brother." She walked up to him and gave him a
Alex nearly blushed; he wasn't used to people hugging him and kissing him
at will like Sam did. It felt good though; it felt like he was actually part
of a family.
Sam pulled back and held up a paper bag. "I come bearing
Alex took it from her and opened it up. "Wine, good. Now I don't
need to send Fox for another bottle."
"Another bottle? You two drinking already?"
"No. I bought a bottle of burgundy today, but I'm using it to cook
"I'm so happy you can cook. Usually we eat take out when I come
home. If he had to cook for you, you'd probably starve to death."
"So I've noticed." Alex began to remove the foil from the neck
of the bottle. "I just assumed Fox would have a few bottles of wine
around. Where I come from, it's just normal."
"Fox is more of a beer and pizza kind of guy. He's not as
'sophisticated' as us big city folks," she said jokingly. "He's a
simple guy, always has been." She looked out into the back yard.
"Where is he, anyway?"
Alex pulled the cork out of the neck of the bottle with a pop then
reached for the freshly washed wineglasses he had bought today. "He's
"Resting? At five in the afternoon? Is he sick? Why is he..."
She stopped and nearly blushed then said, "Never mind."
Alex handed her a glass of the wine. He went back and picked up his glass
then leaned back against the counter. "Your brother has had quite a
trying day today." He took a sip of the deep purplish red liquid,
savoring the flavor. Wow, she knows how to pick a good wine.
Sam remained silent, but her expression begged him to continue.
"After you left us at the diner, we went grocery shopping and ran
into someone Fox used to work with."
"Oh no," Sam said, guessing what had happened. She raked her
fingers through her hair.
At any other time, Alex would have laughed and remarked how she and Fox
had similar mannerisms. Alex took a sip of wine instead; too bad it wasn't
another time. "I wasn't there for the initial confrontation, but the
man snarled, 'You make me sick' as he left."
"Poor Fox." Sam shook her head. "Do you know who it
Alex shrugged, "Some guy named Bill." Alex went over to the
table and sat down opposite Sam. He put his hands over his face and sighed
loudly. He hated this; he hated Fox having to go through this. They should
leave this place and start somewhere fresh where the whole goddamn town
didn't work together. Trouble was, this was Fox's home. He grew up here and
put so much loving work into this place. How could Alex ask him to leave?
"Hey," Sam said and touched Alex's hand briefly. "This is
a small town; the people here aren't used to 'alternative lifestyle'
couples. Especially considering the circumstances surrounding your
particular relationship. Unfortunately, they aren't going to get used to it
anytime soon. It's going to take a long time for them to come around. If
ever. Alternatively, you two could move."
Alex took his hands away from his face and looked at her. "I was
just thinking that."
"Do you know how long I've been trying to get my brother to move to
"But he won't leave the house, right?"
"Exactly. He's attached to this place, that's for sure. I think he
thinks that if he leaves, he'll forget Mom and Dad."
Alex nodded and took a sip of his wine then looked at his watch. "I
should get him up, or we're not going to eat for hours."
Alex went upstairs and opened the bedroom door to reveal Mulder sleeping
on his side. Alex crept into bed beside him and wrapped his arms around his
lover. He kissed his ear gently. "Wake up, sweetheart."
Alex continued with the kisses and caressed Mulder's arm and down to his
thigh. "Wake up, lover."
Mulder moaned, "What time is it?"
"Time for you to come downstairs and have some very good wine with
me and your sister."
"Yeah, it's almost 5:30."
Mulder moaned again, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I slept so
"It's okay. You must have needed it." Alex kissed up Mulder's
neck to his mouth where he captured his still sleepy lips.
Mulder pulled away and caressed Alex's cheek for a brief second before he
got out of bed. "Let me have a shower and get presentable, and I'll be
down in a minute." He turned and left without waiting for an answer.
Alex lay there for a second, confused as to why Mulder had left so
suddenly, but put it off to him still being half-asleep. He still had a lot
to learn about his new lover and his habits. He got up and made his way
downstairs to rejoin Sam.
"Alex, the Beef Bourgignon was incredible. I can't believe how good
you can cook," Sam gushed. "You're lucky to have a man like this,
big brother. I'll trade you him for Jason."
Mulder laughed but only half-heartedly, "Forget it." The plate
of food before him was mostly untouched. The glass of wine remained only
"Are you okay, Fox? You hardly ate a thing." She looked at him
with her doctor look. "Are you sick? Should I go get my
"I'm fine, I'm just not hungry. And you can keep all those little
thermometers and tongue depressors to yourself, thank you very much."
"If you get sick, don't blame me." She stretched and yawned.
"I have to get on the road very early tomorrow. I'm going to bed."
She stood and kissed Alex then Fox on the forehead and hugged them.
"Thank you for a wonderful dinner, Alex. And Fox, I'll expect my daily
"Yes, your pestiness," Mulder grumbled.
"See what he still calls me even now that we're adults?" She
waved at them. "Good night."
"Good night," they both called after her.
Alex looked nervously at Mulder. He knew the incident this afternoon was
still bugging him, and that was probably why he wasn't hungry. He didn't
know what to say to him, how to bring it up. Hell, he didn't know if he should
bring it up. In his family if something was bugging you, you just kept it
inside and didn't mention it to anyone. He placed his hand over Mulder's and
stroked it gently.
Mulder looked up at him and met his eyes. "It was very good, Alex.
I'm sorry, I'm just not that hungry."
"That's okay, babe. I've got a hundred recipes just waiting for when
you're hungry again."
Mulder gave him a weak smile. "I should help you clean up."
"No, you go relax. Turn on the TV or something; I'll clean up."
Mulder didn't argue and left the dining room. Alex joined him a short
time later on the couch, and they watched TV for a few hours then went to
Alex climbed into bed beside his lover, sidling up to his back. It felt
so good when they were naked together, their smooth flesh pressed up against
each other. Alex kissed Mulder's shoulder and wrapped his arms around his
lover. He could feel himself harden as he pressed up against the other man.
He kissed up Mulder's neck and traced the whorls of his ear with his
tongue. His hands roamed over Mulder's body, down his chest and abs to the
patch of curls at his groin. Alex was fully hard now and dug his cock into
Mulder's ass cheek. Alex moved his hands down to Mulder's thighs, caressing
and stroking them.
One hand caressed the crease where leg met torso while the other went to
cup Mulder's balls. Alex felt that Mulder was still limp and increased his
caresses. He licked down to the small of Mulder's back and nipped at the
fine hairs that were there as his fingers delicately touched Mulder's cock.
Nothing was happening.
Suddenly, Alex's hands were being pushed away, and Mulder drew away from
him slightly. "I'm sorry, Alex," he whispered. "I'm
just...I'm tired. I'm sorry."
Alex moved up and hugged his lover tightly. "It's okay, babe."
His cock was throbbing, and he wanted to make love to this man so bad he
could hardly stand it. He wondered if he should go take care of himself in
the bathroom? No, if Mulder was going to suffer, so was he. They were in
"I love you, Fox."
"I love you, too Alex." Mulder answered.
Alex could hear the shakiness in Mulder's voice. He kissed Mulder's
shoulder; again he was at a loss for words. He lay there, his arms around
his lover until he felt Mulder fall asleep, then he rolled away to the edge
of the bed, huddling there in a ball of misery with his back to Fox. He'd
known that it was too good to be true. Fox couldn't really want him, the
person who'd killed his best friend's lover. Now Mulder had realized what
he'd done, and he was horrified. Alex had known it was all over when he'd
realized that he couldn't even arouse Fox anymore. Even in the beginning
when Fox had hated him and Alex himself had only wanted to be left alone,
Fox had wanted him. But even that was gone now.
Alex lay in silence, hugging the edge of the bed, near to falling off,
and tears slowly tracked down his cheeks. He remembered how good it felt to
be held by Fox, how warmed he had felt by Fox's love. He knew that he didn't
want to live without it, but he didn't seem to have a choice. Fox didn't
want him anymore. Eventually, he couldn't stand to be so near Fox when he
knew the older man didn't want him there, and he stood up, moving slowly and
painfully like a rickety old man. He took the robe Fox had bought him, the
robe he'd never needed to wear, out of the closet and went downstairs to the
living room to huddle on the couch, staring blindly into the darkness.
He relived every moment he'd had with Fox, trying to imprint each one on
his memory for when he would be alone again. Shudders wracked his body and
slow tears continued to track down his cheeks, but Alex was unaware of any
of it. All he could feel was the moment he'd reached for Fox's cock and
found him soft, uninterested, the moment he'd realized Fox didn't love him.
Maybe if I pay for him to go to school like he wanted... he mused,
not even realizing that he was falling into his own parents' trap of trying
to buy affection. He sighed heavily. Who am I trying to kid? He. Doesn't.
Want. Me. A faint sob escaped him.
Mulder half woke up in the middle of the night and reached for Alex. His
eyes flew open and he came fully awake when he realized that Alex wasn't
there and, judging by the coldness of the sheets, had been gone for a long
time. He sat up abruptly, looking around the room, but he didn't see Alex
anywhere. He noticed that the closet door was open, and he could see the
empty hanger beside his robe. His face fell when he realized that Alex
hadn't felt comfortable nude. He tried to convince himself that it was
because Sam was in the house, but he didn't believe it. He got up, pulled on
his own robe and went looking for his errant lover.
Coming downstairs, Fox was baffled by the total lack of light, not
noticing Alex in the pitch black living room at first. As he was about to go
to the kitchen to continue his search though, he heard a faint sound and
turned back, finally spotting the younger man huddled in one corner of the
couch. Fox let out a faint exclamation and switched on a lamp as he moved
toward Alex, only to stop in his tracks when the illumination revealed the
reddened eyes, tear-stained cheeks, and quivering lips set in an expression
of total misery.
"Alex!" he exclaimed, rushing toward the other man and reaching
for him only to freeze in dismay when Alex flinched away with a look of pain
on his face. "Baby?" he asked faintly, in disbelief.
Alex couldn't look at him, couldn't look at the lush lips he'd kissed,
the warm hazel eyes he could have sworn had been filled with love. Instead
he spoke to a point somewhere above Fox's left shoulder. "I'll be out
of here first thing in the morning. I won't bother you anymore."
Fox couldn't speak for a moment, he was so shocked. "Wha-what do you
mean?" he stuttered. "You want to leave me?" He couldn't
believe it. What had happened?
Hurt green eyes flashed toward him for an instant. "Please don't lie
to me, Mulder. You made it clear you don't want me here. I'll make it easy
on you and go without any embarrassing scenes." He swallowed hard.
"I've got to hand it to you, you're a great actor. I really believed
you, you know. I honestly thought you meant what you said and that you
weren't just trying to make me pay for Jamie's death." He laughed
bitterly. "More fool me."
Fox had flinched again when Alex called him 'Mulder'. He could feel his
lover distancing himself, see the pain in Alex's face and posture, but he
didn't know why. He loved Alex; how could he believe otherwise?
Mulder reached toward Alex again, again letting his hand drop without
touching him when Alex whimpered and pressed deep into the sofa to avoid his
touch. "Why?" he begged. "What did I do to make you turn away
from me?" He sank to his knees on the floor in front of Alex,
desperately wanting to touch the man only inches away from him.
Another anguish-filled laugh escaped Alex, making Mulder hurt just to
hear it. "God, Mulder, you're a real piece of work! You turned
away from me, remember? I'm not stupid, I got the message."
Mulder just stared blankly until he suddenly remembered earlier that
night. Before he'd fallen asleep, he vaguely recalled Alex climbing into bed
with him and... Oh fuck! Alex had tried to initiate lovemaking, and he
hadn't responded at all. He'd been in such a funk after the events of the
day that he didn't even clearly remember anything from the time they'd
gotten back from the grocery store. It sounded like Alex had taken his lack
of interest as a complete rejection.
Mulder opened his mouth to ask him why the hell he was overreacting when
something made him stop. He thought carefully about their relationship,
remembering that it had started very strangely, that Alex had never
had a successful relationship, and that Alex had made comments in the past
that made it clear that he didn't have a lot of experience with being loved.
He probably thought that sex was the only thing holding Mulder with him, and
that without it, Mulder wouldn't be interested. He groaned as he realized
just how badly he had unintentionally hurt Alex.
"Alex, listen to me." He grasped the younger man's chin and
forced him to look at him. "I love you. Do you hear me? I, Fox Mulder,
love you, Alex Krycek. I. Love. You. Please get that through your head. I
love you," he repeated one more time for good measure.
Alex only stared back with that blank expression and pain in his eyes,
Mulder sighed, tamping down the panic he felt. If Alex wouldn't believe
him, if he left him, he'd have nothing left. It wasn't just that the entire
town would reject him now that they knew he was gay or that his former
friends and co-workers would probably spit on him for getting involved with
an ex-con or even that Mike hated him now, although all of that was bad
enough. No, what would destroy him if he lost Alex was how much he loved
him. He wasn't sure he could go back to living without him.
"Alex, please," he begged, "listen to me. I love you and I
need you. Don't leave me."
Alex could hear the fear and desperation in Mulder's voice, and he
started to believe him. He wanted to believe him. But..."You
didn't want me."
Mulder groaned. "I didn't want sex," he emphasized.
"I always want you; I'm just not real good at showing it
sometimes." He sighed again, then met Alex's eyes frankly. "What
happened today with Bill hurt, and I didn't know how to handle it. I
know I shouldn't've shut you out, but I'm not used to having anyone there
for me. So I withdrew. But I never meant to hurt you."
Alex stared at him for long moments, at least not flinching away this
time when Fox placed a tentative hand on his knee. He thought about his own
reaction to being hurt, which was to shut down or run away, and he realized
that in his own way, Mulder did the same. He sighed. "God, aren't we
Fox met his eyes with dawning hope, his hand tightening on Alex's knee.
"Just, please, don't pull away from me," Alex pleaded.
"Let me be there for you."
Mulder dropped his head into Alex's lap, nearly faint with relief.
"I will, baby," he vowed. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."
Alex slid a finger under his chin to tilt his head up, then kissed him
gently. When Fox started to deepen the kiss though, he flinched away. Mulder
looked away, and his shoulders slumped. He knew Alex had no prior experience
with men, yet he kept undermining his confidence. Mulder knew his lack of
reaction earlier had made Alex doubt his own worth, his attractiveness, and
he wondered how long it would take or even if it was going to be possible to
repair the damage he'd done. He gently stroked along Alex's thigh, finally
reaching his groin, and he winced when he found Alex soft.
It upset him to be unable to arouse his lover, and he knew why. He
could only imagine how confused and unhappy Alex must have been earlier. He
raised his eyes to meet Alex's, and instead of the love and passion he'd
grown accustomed to seeing there, he found wary distrust. He shut his eyes
against the sight, swearing that he would find a way to fix this.
He pushed himself to his feet and held out a hand to Alex. "Come
back to bed?"
Alex nodded slowly and took his hand, allowing himself to be pulled up.
When Mulder wrapped an arm around him, he leaned into the embrace, putting
his own arm around Mulder's waist as they climbed back up the stairs. Once
back in their bedroom, however, Alex stopped at the edge of the bed, staring
down at it unhappily. Without looking at Mulder, he walked over to the
dresser and pulled out a pair of boxers and a T-shirt, stepping out of sight
behind the closet door to pull them on before he got into bed.
Mulder watched in dismay, feeling as if he'd been sucker punched. His
rejection had obviously cut Alex even more deeply than he'd thought if he
was no longer comfortable being naked with him, or even letting Mulder see
him for the few seconds it took to shrug off his robe and pull on the
Alex turned to Fox, wondering why he hadn't gotten into bed yet, and he
saw the expression of naked pain on his lover's face. He wanted to jump up
and go to him, take him in his arms and tell him it would be all right, but
he didn't know if Mulder would let him.
"Do you want me to put something on before I come to bed?"
Mulder asked woodenly, and Alex suddenly got an inkling of what had caused
that look of hurt.
In answer he held out his arms to his lover, and Mulder practically dove
into the offered embrace, dropping his own robe on the floor. Fox buried his
face in Alex's throat, and he felt Alex's cheek lean against the top of his
head, rubbing briefly as they settled. They lay like that for the rest of
the night, holding tightly to one another, but neither of them slept.
The next morning Samantha could tell that something was wrong, but at
first she put it down to the aftermath of Fox's encounter with Bill the day
before. Then she took a closer look, seeing the dark circles under their
eyes that testified to a sleepless night and noticing how brittle Alex
looked. Last night Fox had been withdrawn and Alex worried about him, but
now it looked like Alex was the one about to fall apart. She decided the
best thing she could do for them would be to leave them alone to work it
out, so she left right after breakfast.
Once alone, the two men wandered around the living room nervously. They
didn't want to be apart, but they were uncomfortable together. Finally, Fox
couldn't stand it any more. He caught Alex's arm the next time he paced by
and yanked him down onto the couch.
"Alex, this is nuts! We are not going to let them do this to
Alex looked at him in bafflement.
"A day ago we were blissfully happy, but one ignorant, prejudiced
guy has made us miserable. I won't let that happen!"
"Fox?" Alex had no idea what to expect next and just looked at
him through his lashes.
"You're mine!" Mulder snarled, suddenly twisting Alex under him
and tearing at his clothes. Alex only blinked up at him, too surprised to
move. And when he felt Mulder's erection grinding into him, he didn't want
to pull away; he wanted to be convinced that Fox still wanted him.
Mulder shoved down his sweats and pushed Alex's legs apart. He held
Alex's wrists above his head, then grabbed the T-shirt he'd ripped off him
and tied his hands, fastening the end of the fabric to the scrollwork on the
back of the couch. Mulder looked at him, sprawled naked on the sofa, and a
slow smile stretched his lips. Watching him, Alex suddenly felt nervous, but
he liked the shivers racing up his spine. His cock began to fill under
Mulder's heated gaze, and he squirmed lewdly, spreading his legs to display
himself to his lover. Mulder leaned down and licked the length of his now
twitching cock, then hitched up his sweats to go into the kitchen and grab
some oil, making the round trip faster than he'd ever thought possible.
Suddenly desperate after the tension of the last day, Mulder poured out
some of the oil into his hand and stroked it into Alex, stretching him
quickly, then shoved his sweats down again, just enough to free his cock and
balls. He quickly applied some of the oil to himself and pushed inside of
Alex. Both men groaned as Fox slid in, Alex bucking up, trying to force Fox
deeper. That seemed to snap something in Fox, and he started slamming in and
out, pumping Alex's cock in time with his strokes. Alex gasped his name,
squirming, pushing up, and Fox stared at him, surprised again by this man's
beauty. He let go of Alex's cock and braced himself on his elbows, sliding
his hands under his ass and raising him so he could go deeper. Alex moaned
as his cock was rubbed between their bellies, and Fox smiled and lowered
himself a fraction more. He watched Alex pant desperately, pleasure
contorting his face, and he pushed in as deeply as he could as he came,
crying Alex's name.
"No!" Alex wailed, bucking up, trying to get Fox to keep
As soon as Fox caught his breath, he pulled out of Alex, ignoring his
whimpers of distress. He immediately shifted down and took Alex's cock into
his mouth, sucking hard to bring him off quickly. Alex groaned, his hips
rising off the couch to push himself deeper into Mulder. It didn't take long
for Alex to come, and Fox swallowed every drop before he sat up. He hitched
his sweats back up, leaving himself once again fully dressed, and he
surveyed the naked, sweaty body of his lover stretched out on and tied to
the couch like some pagan offering.
Fox smiled and petted him from the throat to his still over-sensitive
cock, prompting a whine of protest and an attempt to move away.
"You know," Fox mused, still gently stroking Alex's groin,
"I'd forgotten how fucking gorgeous you are when you're tied up."
His hand crept lower, one finger trailing lightly from sac to anus and back.
"You're wasting your time, Fox; you wrung me out. There's nothing
Fox smirked at him. "Wanna bet?"
Alex didn't bother to reply, but that didn't upset Mulder. He was
concentrating on his lover's body now, determined to make him beg. He slid
two fingers back inside Alex's ass, at first just stroking in and out, then
hooking and twisting. Alex yelped at the first brush over his prostate,
overwhelmed by a pleasure so intense it bordered on pain. Or maybe it was
pain. He couldn't tell anymore. Aftershocks of his orgasm were still pulsing
through his body, and Fox was arousing him again. Even as a teenager he'd
never been as sex-crazed as he'd been since becoming Fox's lover. Fox's
fingers pressed against the gland again, and Alex focused a wild gaze on him
as he screamed.
Keeping his fingers busy inside his desperately twisting lover, he
reached with his free hand for the drawer of the end table. He hoped what he
wanted was still in there; he hadn't checked in ages, not since the last
time he'd been with Mike. He let out a sigh of satisfaction when his fingers
closed over his targets, and he pulled out a set of nipple clamps.
Alex's eyes widened when he saw what Fox was holding, and he started to
shake his head emphatically until Fox distracted him with his fingers in his
ass again. He subsided with a moan, watching out of scared green eyes as Fox
dropped the linked clamps on his belly and reached for a nipple, pinching it
to make it rise even more. He whimpered in anticipation when Fox picked up
one clamp and fastened it onto the nipple, then stared down in surprise. It
was uncomfortable, but in an exciting kind of way. He liked it, and the way
his cock was twitching made that clear to Fox.
Fox chuckled and dropped a kiss on his parted lips. "See, baby, you
just have to trust me. I knew you'd like this." And he clamped the
other nipple. He checked that they were secure, then started to tug on the
chain joining them, drawing the nipples out from Alex's chest until he
moaned, then releasing them and watching him squirm.
A continuous stream of curses and pleas fell from Alex's lips, his purple
cock begging for attention, but Fox was in no hurry to end this. He reached
back into that drawer and brought out a dildo, holding it up before Alex's
eyes. He nudged it against the younger man's lips, urging him to take it
"Come on, baby," he whispered. "The only lubrication
you're getting is what you put there."
Alex whimpered, but he parted his lips and started to suck on the dildo,
coating it with saliva. He stared into Fox's eyes as he did, and he found he
could pretend it was his lover's cock in his mouth. It was turning him on,
and he opened his mouth farther, letting it slide deeper into his mouth,
deep throating it. Mulder let him for a minute because he looked so damn
sexy like that, but then he pulled it away. As much as Alex was squirming,
he was afraid of hurting him with the rigid object. He whispered that in
Alex's ear, the hot breath making Alex shudder, when Alex tried to follow
the dildo like a baby bird reaching for food. "After all," Mulder
rasped, "it would be criminal to damage that talented throat of
He pulled his fingers out of Alex's ass with a final flick that forced a
sob from the younger man, then replaced them with the dildo. Alex went rigid
as the long, thick, inflexible object slid deep inside him. It was different
than when it was Fox, and he wasn't sure he liked it. He whimpered his
distress, and Fox soothed him with a long kiss and his clever fingers
stroking Alex's balls. That made Alex try to push into his grasp, and that
shifted the dildo inside him, and he froze again. Then, slowly, tentatively,
he moved his hips a little, feeling the thing, and his breath began to come
faster. He writhed wantonly, tiny sobs escaping him with every breath, and
then Mulder began to pull on the nipple clamps again and hump his thigh. He
felt the wet heat of the tip of Fox's cock painting patterns on him, and he
screamed as another orgasm was torn from him.
Fox watched every second of it, and only when Alex was done did he let
himself go, coming again only moments later. Alex's uncomfortable squirming
under him brought him back to full awareness of his surroundings, and he
reached down, pulling the dildo out of him, then unfastened the nipple
clamps and lightly kissed the abused flesh. He dropped the toys on the floor
beside the couch and settled back on top of Alex, wanting nothing more than
to sleep for a little while.
"Fox, please." The honest discomfort in Alex's voice got his
"What's wrong, Alex?"
"My arms, please. I can't even feel them anymore."
"Shit!" Fox had forgotten about that, and he hastily unwound
the shredded T-shirt from the back of the couch, then freed Alex's wrists.
Once he had lowered his arms, Fox massaged them, bringing the circulation
back. Only after Alex indicated that they were back to normal did Fox wobble
to his feet and draw his lover back toward the stairs and up to their
"If I hadn't sucked the dildo," Alex asked in a small voice,
"would you really have used it on me dry?"
Alex smiled and leaned his head against Fox's shoulder as they walked.
The next few weeks were more of the same. A time that should have full of
laughter and happiness for them as they got to know each other better and
started their life together was instead tense and unhappy. They both
withdrew from each other, not knowing how to reach out. The only thing that
wasn't affected was the sex, which just kept getting hotter. It was at the
point that they tried to spend all their time in bed or rather having sex on
or against every surface in the house. The only problem was that they never
talked to each other any more.
It didn't help that every time either one of them set foot outside the
house, they faced snide remarks, taunts, the occasional shove. Alex, who'd
been one of the popular kids in high school, the golden boy at the Academy,
the indulged only son of wealthy parents, had never faced this kind of
public abuse, and he had no idea how to handle it. So, as he'd done all his
life, he didn't. He shut down instead. He walked around the house with a
perpetual blank mask in place of an expression.
Fox watched him sadly, seeing the sullen con he'd first encountered in
the prison take the place of his laughing lover. He'd been so happy to have
brought laughter and caring into Alex's life, and now he was responsible for
taking it away. Between his guilt at that and misery over being treated as
if he were invisible by just about everyone in the town, he grew more
withdrawn with each passing day as well.
Both men were aware that they were making the problem worse, but neither
one knew how to put an end to it. They kept reaching out to one another, but
not knowing what to say, they ended up fucking instead. They could feel the
desperation when they were together, and each of them was beginning to fear
that they wouldn't be able to get past this.
Things finally came to a head one fall day in late September. Alex was
inside staring at the latest letter from his parents, trying to figure out
how to tell them not to come visit him. At first he'd held them off by
saying that he needed time to adjust to being free again, but he'd finally
had to tell them that he was living with another man, that Fox was his
lover. Judging by the tone of the letter, his mother had probably had
hysterics, and now she was demanding that he and Fox come visit them. He
When he'd been in prison, he'd looked forward to going places with Fox,
and he'd even thought that visiting his parents might be okay if he had Fox
with him. Funny that things had looked better from inside a prison than they
did when he was free. He dropped his head into his hands, sighing heavily,
and he wondered what the hell to do now.
While Alex wrestled with his dilemma, Fox was out back raking leaves. He
was as miserable as his lover, eyeing the piles of leaves and remembering
how he'd thought about Alex being here for this season. He'd imagined them
doing this together, then tumbling into one of the piles and making love
right there. He glanced over his shoulder at the house where Alex was. He
wondered if they'd ever make love again rather than the frantic fucking that
was all they seemed to do now.
He kicked moodily at some leaves, finally leaning the rake against the
fence when he accepted that he wasn't going to get anything done. He
wandered over to the old oak tree toward the back of the yard and climbed up
to the treehouse he and Michael had built together when they were eight
years old. They'd played here, grown up here, explored their sexuality
together here. He thought about how many key events in their lives had
happened right here. He'd wanted to bring Alex up here and tell him all the
stories, show him the rock collection from when he was a kid and the
pictures of his highschool girlfriends.
Fox groaned. He sat on the edge of the platform, what they'd call their
ramparts when they built it, his legs hanging over the edge and his head
leaning back against the outside wall of the house itself. He stared up at
the sky as if hoping to see a solution to his problems written in the
clouds. He shivered when the wind picked up, but he made no move to go
inside. He sighed unhappily when he realized that he was avoiding Alex.
"So you're still fucking him."
Perfect. Just fucking perfect. That's all this day needed to make it
complete. "Hi, Mike."
"Tell me how you do it, Fox. Tell me how you can fuck the man who
killed my Jamie. How can you stand to touch that murdering sonofabitch?"
He glared up angrily, tears in his eyes.
Fox stared at him helplessly. Before he could say anything, a cold voice
"Excuse me, I'm looking for Alexander Krycek."
Both men turned, seeing an older couple, probably in their late sixties.
The man wore an Armani suit with an Egyptian cotton shirt, raw silk tie, and
discreet gold cufflinks. The woman wore a silk dress, tasteful diamonds, and
a fur coat. Mulder's heart sank.
"Mr. and Mrs. Krycek?" he asked, knowing they could be no one
"My son?" Emily Krycek prompted coolly.
Michael opened his mouth, and Fox jumped down, desperate to separate
them. He motioned toward the house and started to lead the Kryceks in when
Mike spoke up.
"You never answered my question, Fox," he sneered.
Fox finally snapped. Totally ignoring Alex's parents, actually forgetting
their presence, he turned on Michael. "You want to know how,
Mike?" he snarled. "It's easy. I love him, and he loves me.
He makes me happier than I've ever been in my entire life, and I'll be
damned if I'll let you or anyone else in this fucking narrow-minded town
hurt him anymore.
"I'm sorry Jamie died. You know that, Mike. But you also know
that the autopsy proved he had a weak heart. He could have died at any
moment. I know that doesn't excuse what happened or make it up to you for
losing even a single instant with Jamie. But Mike, if you ever call Alex a
murderer again, I'll punch you into the middle of next week!" By the
time he finished, Fox was yelling into his friend's face, protective fury
clear in every line of him. He turned on his heel and stalked toward the
house, not bothering to check whether the Kryceks or Michael followed him.
Once inside, Jonathan and Emily hesitated in the entry while Mike hovered
in the background. "Mr. Mulder?" Jonathan asked tentatively.
Mulder blinked in surprise, having forgotten they were there.
Jonathan regarded him uneasily. "You said... you said that you love
Mulder looked at them like they were nuts. "Well, of course I do.
What on earth did you think this was all about?"
"You taking advantage of a vulnerable, young man who was trapped in
an impossible situation," Emily Krycek snapped. "My son is not
gay." She could barely bring herself to say the word.
Mulder just looked at her. "It's not a dirty word, you know."
She looked down her nose at him. "We're here to bring Alexander
Mulder winced slightly. As miserable as they'd been lately, he was
desperately afraid that Alex would go with them. He heard a sound behind
him, and he turned to see Alex standing in the hallway watching them. No,
watching him, totally ignoring his parents, whom he hadn't seen since
he was sent to prison.
"I heard you," Alex said softly. Fox looked confused, so he
added, "Outside. I heard what you said to Michael." He looked
down, then back at Fox. "Did you mean it? Do you still love me?"
Fox gasped. "God, Alex, has it been so bad that you have to ask me
that? Of course I love you; nothing could change that!"
"Excuse me," Emily interrupted icily. "Aren't you going to
greet us, Alexander?"
Tearing his eyes away from Fox, Alex turned reluctantly to face his
parents. "Hello, Mother," Alex responded equally coolly,
approaching her to kiss the air beside her cheek. He was careful not to
actually touch her and possibly muss her clothes or makeup. He'd learned
that lesson at a very young age. "Father." He nodded to Jonathan.
Fox watched the stilted greetings, and his heart ached for Alex. He
thought he'd had warmer meetings with his parents when he visited their
graves. If that was how Alex had been treated as a child, it was no wonder
that he didn't know how to express his emotions. Even Michael felt a
momentary pang of sympathy for Krycek, but all he had to do to quell it was
remember Jamie lying still and cold in his casket.
"We've come to bring you home, Alexander," Emily stated,
clearly expecting immediate obedience to her wishes.
Alex stepped closer to Fox, who reached out and took his hand. "I am
Mrs. Krycek looked at their joined hands with an expression of well bred
disgust. "You will return to Boston with us, Alexander. This...
temporary aberration will be forgotten. No one need ever know."
Alex stared at her, shaking his head. "Not this time, Mother. This
time I won't let you make my decisions for me. I'm not ashamed of Fox or of
being with him, and I'll be damned if I'll let you treat him like some dirty
"So you're going to live here," her lip curled in disdain.
"And do what exactly, Alexander? What do you plan to live on?"
"What planet do you live on, Mother? You know perfectly well that I
have my inheritance from Grandfather. I don't need to work. And I
happen to like it here," he finished defiantly and untruthfully.
With everyone concentrating on the confrontation between mother and son,
no one noticed Michael sidling closer, coming up behind Alex. No one noticed
him until he let out an almost bestial snarl and lunged at Alex.
Fox saw the motion out the corner of his eye, and seeing something
hurtling at his lover's defenseless back, he reacted automatically, fending
Michael off with one arm before he even realized what was happening. Mike
stumbled back, regained his footing and reached for Alex again.
"I'm going to kill you, you motherfucker! Just like you killed
Jamie!" he screamed.
"Get out." Fox spoke coldly, pain clear in his voice but
overshadowed by his determination to protect Alex.
Mike turned to Fox. "Come on, Fox, you can't love this fucking
murderer. I'll admit he's a pretty boy, and I can see why you'd want to fuck
him, but he's filth, Fox-"
"Enough!" Mulder yelled. "Get out of my home, Michael, and
don't come back." His voice cracked on the last word, but he refused to
back down. He was not going to fail Alex this time.
Michael gaped at him in disbelief, paling dramatically, and Mulder
repeated it. He stared after his best friend as he walked away, and he
wondered again how this had all happened. Then he looked to his side and met
a pair of worried green eyes, and he remembered the answer. Still staring
into Alex's eyes, he spoke softly. "If I had to do it all over again,
I'd still choose you."
Ignoring their audience, Alex kissed him softly, licking at his lips, and
wrapped his arms around Fox.
Alex sighed heavily and looked over his shoulder at his mother.
"Don't start, Mother. Just don't."
Fox looked at the two people standing stiffly in his hallway and briefly
considered running away from home. "Will you stay with us?" he
invited, ignoring Alex's frantic head shake.
Emily raised a supercilious eyebrow. "I'm sure we can find
accommodations in a hotel."
Alex pictured his parents staying in one of the cheap motels that catered
mainly to the inmates' family and friends or one of the homey B&Bs in
town, and he groaned. He leaned his forehead against Mulder's shoulder for a
brief moment, then straightened up and turned back to his mother. "I'm
afraid not, Mother. The motels in town are... not quite what you're
"I'm sure-" Emily started before her husband cut her off.
"Thank you, Mr. Mulder, we'd be delighted to accept your kind
invitation." He saw Emily take a breath to say something else, and he
cut her off. "I'm sure you're right when you say that we wouldn't be
comfortable in the motels."
Emily sniffed disdainfully, turned on her heel and went into the living
room, preparing herself for the squalor she was certain her son was living
"Please, come in, make yourself at home," Mulder mumbled
sarcastically, and Alex snickered.
"See why I wasn't anxious to write?"
Mulder grunted. After another quick kiss, which Jonathan watched
interestedly, he motioned the elder Krycek to precede them into the room.
They entered to find Emily surveying the room in open-mouthed
astonishment. Not only was it clean and tidy, many of the furnishings were
antiques, and the rest were of good quality and well cared for. She turned
to face the men fully, amazement visible in her eyes.
Alex sighed at her prejudices and wished his parents would go away or,
better still, had never come. Fox placed a calming hand on his arm, and he
glanced over to meet an understanding gaze. They needed to talk, to clear up
the misunderstandings and pain of the last few weeks, but they weren't going
to be able to do that while his parents were present. He mouthed 'I love
you' and got a heartwarming smile in response.
"Do you have any luggage you'd like to bring in?" Mulder asked,
turning to Jonathan. When he nodded, Fox offered to help, and the two of
them went out to get it, leaving Alex and Emily alone together.
They stood in uncomfortable silence until Emily broke it.
"Alex. My name is Alex, Mother. Can't you even grant me the
courtesy of using my name as I wish?"
Emily's eyes flashed, but she quelled her anger. "I'm the one who
named you, Alexander, and I remember quite clearly giving you my father's
name. But that is irrelevant to the matter at hand."
She sighed and paced around the room, too tense to remain still.
"He's not what I expected," she admitted.
"I don't see why not," Alex snapped. "I told you about
"He's not as ignorant and uncultured as I anticipated from his
choice of employment, and his home is quite lovely. I suppose it's true what
they say about gay men," she mused.
Alex actually growled. "You're a snob, Mother. And prejudiced to
boot. It's so appalling it's almost funny." He fixed her with a steely
glare. "Don't you dare insult Fox!"
She drew herself up with offended dignity, but before she could say
anything, they were distracted by laughter from the doorway.
"You're cute when you're being protective, Alex, but it's not
necessary. I can take care of myself."
Alex shrugged. "I know you can. So can I. But it's more fun to take
care of each other."
Fox smiled and moved to stand behind him, wrapping his arms around Alex's
waist and resting his chin on his shoulder, smirking at Emily's expression
"Come on, I'll show you which room you can use," Fox said, and
he headed upstairs.
A little while later Alex's parents were settled in Sam's room, his
mother wearing an expression of resigned suffering upon discovering that
there was no en-suite bathroom, rather she would have to go down the hall to
get to one. Fox and Alex left them to unpack and rest and retreated to their
Once inside they wandered around restlessly, Alex eventually settling on
the bed and Mulder perching on the edge of the window seat. They stared at
each across the room, and they wondered how they could get past everything.
Each was afraid to start, worried that he'd only make matters worse by
saying the wrong thing. Finally Fox groaned and stared down at his feet.
"Do you want to leave?" he asked quietly.
Alex gasped. "Do you want me to leave?"
"No!" Fox paused for a deep breath. "But I don't want you
to stay because you think you should or because you think it's what I
want. I need you to be with me because it's what you want." He
laughed bitterly. "And I know that's incredibly unfair of me. You
deserve better than this, better than being treated like a leper. You're so
beautiful you could have anyone you wanted. You should be living in the lap
of luxury somewhere, enjoying your freedom, not getting the fallout from
what my neighbors think of me."
"Bullshit!" Alex replied succinctly. When Fox looked up in
surprise, he continued, "If it wasn't for you, I'd still be in prison.
I was far from a model prisoner, blaming the entire universe for me being
there rather than accepting responsibility for my own actions. I was well on
the way to becoming someone I don't like very much. I'd never have been
paroled, let alone gotten early parole, if not for you."
"Sure you would. Your lawyer got the extra time knocked off your
sentence because that judge had no business adding it on just because you
were an FBI trainee. Hell, he doubled the maximum sentence for the crime! If
anyone had known that his son, his gay son, had been beaten to death,
he'd have been recused. As it was, you probably could have gotten the
conviction overturned on the grounds of a mistrial."
Alex shook his head. "You and I both know that what I did was wrong,
Fox. Sure, I never intended to kill him, but we weren't there to sell
Amway." He smiled slightly. "You made me take a good, long look at
my life, Fox, and I was nothing more than a spoiled, rich kid who thought he
could do or say anything. I wish it hadn't taken someone's death to change
that, but I like myself a hell of a lot better now. And I love you. I want
to be with you, and if that means putting up with this town's petty
vindictiveness, fine. Just so long as you don't shut me out. I need
to know that you love me too."
Fox was across the room in an instant. "I do love you, Alex. I'm
sorry I've been so self-absorbed lately that you doubted it." He pulled
Alex into his arms and stretched out on the bed with his lover draped half
over him. They dozed off like that, holding tightly to one another, more
content than they'd been in a while.
A few days later Alex woke up to the sounds of battle drifting up the
stairs again. He groaned and pulled the pillows over his head,
seriously considering staying right where he was until his mother magically
disappeared. After a moment, the lack of air and certainty that more than
wishes would be required to rid himself of his interfering parent made him
sit up. He was reaching for his robe to go downstairs when a sudden thought
made him stop and brought a slow smile to his face.
"Fight fire with fire," he mumbled with a satisfied smirk.
Later that afternoon, Alex wondered if his plan was going to be enough.
Today was even worse than usual; his mother was in fine form, sniping at Fox
at every turn. Of course, he had to admit that it was at least partially his
own fault. He'd been irritated that morning, so he'd gone downstairs without
showering, knowing that he'd smelled of sex. His mother had noticed, of
course, and been horrified. That had been satisfying enough, but the
expression of sheer lust on Fox's face when he got close to him had been a
thing of beauty. For a moment he'd thought Fox was just going to throw him
down on the table and take him. The fact that he hadn't was another black
mark against his mother.
Goddamnit, this is our home, and we can't even do what we want when we
want because of my damned mother. We have got to get rid of her.
He glanced over at his parents, his mother holding forth on god only knew
what topic this time while his father listened silently. I wouldn't mind
my dad staying for a while though. I've gotten to know him a little these
last few days, and I think we could actually get to be friends. I wish I'd
realized that years ago; things might have turned out differently. He
glanced over at Fox. God, I'm such a shit. I wouldn't change what
happened with Jamie if I could. A man is dead because of me, and I wouldn't
change it because I wouldn't have met Fox otherwise. Jamie, if you're out
there, I'm so sorry for what I did to you, but I love him so much. I won't
ask for forgiveness, but knowing how much you and Michael loved each other,
I hope you understand how I feel now.
"Deep thoughts, babe?" Fox sat beside him, one hand settling
naturally on his thigh.
Alex smiled. "Just... making peace with myself."
Fox smiled inquisitively, but that was all Alex would say. He changed the
subject. "I'm sorry about my mother, Fox."
Mulder shrugged. "In her own way, she cares about you, Alex, and is
trying to protect you."
"No, she doesn't. She just doesn't want her image tarnished by
having a gay son. Hell, I'll bet she's even managed to cover up me being in
prison somehow." Alex sounded resigned rather than bitter.
"What an ill-bred display," Emily stated coldly, eyeing Fox's
hand on Alex's thigh.
"Odd, I thought it was rather sweet," an equally icy voice cut
Everyone turned toward the doorway in surprise, Fox and Alex smiling at
Sam when they saw her.
My secret weapon arrives! Alex exulted.
"And just who might you be?" Emily demanded.
"Samantha Mulder. Fox's sister." Sam glared at the bitch hag
who was making her brother and his lover miserable according to what Alex
had told her that morning.
"Miss Mulder," Emily started, only to be interrupted by Sam.
"I beg your pardon?"
"That's Dr. Mulder, Mrs. Krycek."
"You are a doctor?" Disbelief dripped from her tone.
"Yes, I am. Fourth in my class at Columbia. You really don't have to
be born wealthy to be intelligent or to make something of yourself. In
fact," with a disdainful glance at Emily, "sometimes wealth has
the opposite effect."
"Why, you little trollop!"
"My, what a shining example of the superiority of the rich,"
By this time the men in the room were looking for a fallout shelter.
Emily took a deep breath, restoring her air of icy superiority.
"Unlike you apparently, Dr. Mulder, I do not consider namecalling a
worthwhile use of my time. Perhaps you would care to explain your unexpected
and rather rude arrival?"
Sam looked her up and down. "I don't have to explain anything to
you, let alone my presence in my family's home."
"Sam, it's so good to see you," Fox jumped up to hug her,
hoping to prevent a murder in his living room. "But I thought you and
Jason were going away this weekend?"
Alex looked up guiltily at that, and Sam smiled reassuringly. "Jason
wanted to meet Alex before the wedding. He's just getting our bags, wouldn't
let me carry anything. And coming to visit you two is getting away,
"Actually," yet another new voice put in, "Alex and I have
met. At numerous boring summer parties that were command performances."
Alex stared at him blankly for a moment before he recognized him.
"Oh, of course, Jason Prestwick. I should have recognized your name
"No reason why you should, the name's not that uncommon. And it's
not like we knew each other all that well." He grinned over at Fox and
Sam. "Although I think that's going to change."
Alex grinned back, impressed with Sam's strategy. While she could have
routed his mother eventually all on her own, waving her wealthy and
influential fiance under his snobbish mother's nose was a stroke of genius.
Emily Krycek would never knowingly do anything to offend the Prestwicks. He
had a hard time restraining his laughter and didn't dare look at Sam.
"I'll go put some coffee on for everyone," Alex said abruptly,
needing to get out of the room before he started howling, and bolted.
"I think I'll help." Sam followed quickly.
Choosing the path of rank cowardice, Fox fled after his lover and sister,
leaving Jason with the Kryceks, something he was sure he would pay for
eventually. In the kitchen he turned a suspicious glare on the two who'd
collapsed into fits of giggles at the table.
"Okay, give, Sam. What are you doing here?"
Alex looked up, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. "That's my
doing, Fox. I decided this morning that we weren't getting anywhere with my
mother, but I'd put my money on Sam any day. So I called and asked her to
come save us."
"That's what family's for, bro. I'm glad Alex called me; after five
minutes with that woman, I can't imagine how you've put up with her for
almost a week."
Fox sighed and shook his head. "Come on, let's get that coffee made.
It's not fair to leave Jason alone with them for too long."
"Oh don't worry about him," Alex scoffed. "There's no way
my darling mama will insult a Prestwick."
"Even so, the look he gave me when I followed the two of you
promised retribution," Fox said.
The others chuckled and got the coffee going.
They managed to make it through the rest of the afternoon without
bloodshed and mutually agreed to go out for dinner. Alex knew his mother
wouldn't like the restaurant, but despite the lack of trendy decor, the food
Dinner was half over when a drunken, belligerent man stumbled up to the
table, startling all of them.
"Darryl?" Fox said in surprise, recognizing Michael's older
"Are you happy now, you fucking fairy?" he slurred. "Are
you happy now that you have your murdering whore and my brother is
Fox dropped his glass, the wine spilling across the table and dripping
down to the floor. "What are you talking about?" he whispered, his
voice nearly failing him. Alex and Sam both reached out to him, each taking
one of his hands.
"Mikey's dead!" Darryl screamed. "He killed himself
because of you, you sonofabitch!"
Fox just stared up at him, his mouth working silently, tears rolling down
his face. "Mike," he mouthed.
Jason jumped up and distracted Darryl while Alex and Sam drew Fox up and
out of the restaurant, Alex's parents following, even his mother silenced
for the moment. As soon as they were out, Jason got away from Darryl by
buying him a drink and hurried after the others.
Fox sat in total silence, staring straight ahead, on the drive back to
the house. When they got there, Jonathan and Emily went into the house
quietly and retired, even Emily realizing that the men needed to be left
alone. Jason also went straight up to their room when he and Sam arrived
only moments later, knowing her brother needed her just then. Sam and Alex
coaxed Fox out of the car and inside, both of them worried by the blank
expression he'd worn since the initial shock dissipated.
Alex stroked his lover's hair, trying to comfort him, but Fox didn't even
seem to really notice that he was there. He just sat woodenly, not speaking,
not moving, and Samantha began to get worried. He was clearly in shock,
shivering with reaction, but he brushed her away when she tried to wrap a
blanket around him. Sam was actually considering having him hospitalized
overnight for observation, loath though she was to do that in this town,
when he finally spoke.
"This is my fault, you know." Haunted hazel eyes looked
up finally, and both the others flinched from the pain and
self-recrimination in them.
"Fox, no," Alex started only to be interrupted by Fox.
"It's the truth. Michael, my best friend in my entire life, is dead,
and it's all because of me."
"How can you say that, Fox?" Sam tried.
"Because it's true!" Fox half yelled. "I betrayed him, and
now he's dead."
A tiny moan was torn from Alex as he saw his life dissolving around him.
They'd only just begun to work through their problems, and now Mike had won.
Fox would never forgive either of them. He closed his eyes tightly, fighting
to hold back the tears, and when he opened them, he was completely
expressionless. Once again, he'd retreated behind the mask that had served
as his defense all his life.
"My parents and I will leave first thing in the morning," he
said quietly, not meeting Fox or Sam's eyes.
Fox stared down at the floor between his feet. "See, even Alex knows
I'm right, and he's leaving before I destroy him too."
Alex's head shot up, and he stared at Fox in bewilderment. "What are
you talking about? I'm leaving because you don't want me here because
Michael would still be alive if I had never come here."
It was Fox's turn to look baffled. "What are you talking
about? Michael's dead because I couldn't give you up. I raped you,
repeatedly, and then I couldn't give you up. What kind of sick fuck rapes a
man, then claims to be in love with him? And then tells his best friend that
he's in love with someone who contributed to his lover's death."
Alex flinched. "So what you're saying is that you should have raped
me and then left me, and then everything would have been fine."
"No! That's not what I meant. Oh fuck, I make a mess of
everything." He buried his face in his hands. "I should never have
touched you, never fucked up your life, never made Mike so fucking miserable
that he felt he had to kill himself."
Alex stood up painfully. "Well, I'll solve part of your problem and
leave. I'm sorry to have been such a burden." He turned to leave, only
to be stopped by a desperate wail.
"Don't leave me!" Fox stretched a hand out toward him, tears
running down his face, but he made no move to go after Alex. If he stayed,
it had to be because he wanted to, not because Fox made him.
Alex looked at him, torment plain on his face. "I don't know how
much more of this I can take, Fox. You keep pushing me away and telling me
that I'm some kind of mistake, then changing your mind. You're cutting me up
a little piece at a time. What the hell do you want from me?" he
suddenly yelled, pushed beyond what he could endure.
"Alex, please," Fox begged. "Just... just give me some
time. Don't leave me."
Alex knew that he should go for his own sake, but he couldn't turn away
from Fox when he was in so much pain. He nodded curtly and headed upstairs,
where he went to bed. When Fox finally came up, Alex lay stiffly at the edge
of the bed, pretending to be asleep even though both of them knew perfectly
well that he wasn't.
Fox buried his face in his pillow, letting it absorb his silent tears.
They lay like that for an hour or two, each listening to the other
breathe, wondering if either of them was going to fall asleep. A soft knock
came at the door, and Alex got up to answer it.
"Mother," Alex said as he saw who was on the other side.
"Alexander, your father and I are leaving. This situation has
become....awkward. Come home to Boston with us. We will wait until you
collect your things."
Like it hasn't been awkward already? Alex looked at his
mother standing tall in the hallway, his father behind her, their bags in
his hands. His father never said much when his mother was around. He wished
just for once his father would speak up and tell his mother she was wrong.
"I've told you, Mother, I'm not going anywhere. This is my home now.
Fox and I are together!" His words started out softly but ended up as a
She looked at her son, and her right eyebrow twitched. "Is that your
final decision, Alexander?"
Alex could see the anger of not getting her own way pulse in the vein at
the side of her neck. "Yes, it is, Mother." He stood up and looked
down at her.
Her green eyes narrowed to meet his. "Very well," she spat. She
turned on her heel and stomped down the stairs as gracefully as she could.
Alex's father looked at him and nodded then followed his wife.
Alex stood there outside the door to the room he shared with Fox. He felt
elated that his parents were leaving, but at the same time sad that they
wouldn't accept him doing what he wanted to. I'm an adult for Christ
sakes, you'd think they'd realize that. He shook his head; his mother
wasn't going to let anyone do what they wanted to. It was her way or the
highway, and she had just proved that point.
Alex turned the doorknob and went inside the bedroom. He was actually
feeling tired. He removed his clothing and then proceeded to undress Fox.
"What are you doing?" Fox asked.
"I'm trying to make you feel comfortable."
"I'm not in the mood." Fox tried to roll over away from his
Although that statement made Alex cringe, he didn't back down. "Hey,
sleeping in your clothes is not comfortable. Come on." He grabbed Fox's
arm and helped him into a sitting position. He then took his shirt off and
started to unbutton his jeans. Fox let him and lifted his hips to let them
be removed from his body. Once Fox was clad only in his underwear, he rolled
over to the edge of the bed, his back to Alex's side. Alex climbed in behind
him and spooned his body around the back of his lover. He could feel the
sobs before he could hear them. It seemed like all they did was cry lately.
So much bullshit, so much pain was in their life lately. Alex wondered if
they'd ever get through all of this.
We have to. We just have to.
He kissed Mulder's ear as the tears flowed, not doing anything but
holding his lover until they stopped many minutes later. Alex continued to
kiss Mulder's ear and neck until his lover was asleep, himself following
Fox was up before Alex, although neither of them had slept very much the
night before. The day was spent mostly in silence, Fox brooding in the back
yard, raking leaves that weren't there. Sam and Alex watched him worriedly
from the kitchen, while drinking endless cups of coffee. Jason headed back
to Boston; there was some problem at his software company that only he could
take care of. He was going to come back and collect Sam the day after the
funeral as she had to get back to her practice as well.
Alex waited until Fox was in the shower before he got up and went to the
closet. He took out his suit, the only suit he had here. He remembered when
all he had was formal clothing from tuxedos to designer sweaters. He
supposed they were all packed away somewhere after his parents had cleared
out his apartment in Arlington after he was convicted. Out here with Fox,
however, there was no need for that; in this town jeans were as formal as
people got. Alex liked that; he had always been around people who had money
and wealth in possessions. In this town, a wealthy man was a guy with a good
job and a healthy family. He liked this simple life. Simple! Yeah, right!
He heard the shower turn off, and Fox padded into the bedroom soon after.
He came over to the closet and stood beside Alex. Fox rummaged through the
closet until he came to a garment bag, which he pulled out and laid on the
Alex watched Fox carefully arrange the bag on the bed, noticing that he
was wearing only a towel. Had this been another morning, he would have come
up behind his lover, wrapped his arms around him and nuzzled his still wet
hair. Then he'd take off the towel and drop to his knees and... It was
unfortunate this was not another morning. It was unfortunate that today they
were burying Michael.
Fox opened the garment bag and pulled out a dark blue suit, which he hung
on the back of the closet door. He brushed a few specs of lint off of it
then got out the white shirt and tie that went with it.
Alex surveyed his own side of the closet; he had everything he needed. He
made a mental note to buff his shoes...
"I've never owned a suit before," Fox said softly. "Sam
bought me this suit early this year when I met Jason's parents. We went to
the opera..." He caressed the dark wool between his fingers.
"Yes," Alex said. "You wrote me that night to tell me how
much you had enjoyed yourself."
"It was the Magic Flute."
"I remember intently watching the opera, gathering as much
information as I could so I could tell you about it. I wrote notes in my
program about the costumes and the sets. How the lady who played the 'Queen
of the Night's' voice went so high yet was so clear." Fox's eyes were
glittering with tears. "I wanted to remember everything so I could tell
you and not skip a detail. You had said you'd missed this opera when it was
performed in Vienna during a Mozart festival one year. You were so
disappointed that you had missed it. I wanted to be your eyes and ears that
night. All through the performance though, I felt as if something was
missing. I kept turning to my right, as if you were there beside me."
Mulder gave a short laugh, "I'm sure Mrs. Prestwick thought I wasn't
all there. She'd look back and smile..." Mulder laughed again.
"And when Papagano found his true love after looking and looking for
love, any love, it felt good. I felt such joy because I knew that I
had found my true love." A tear fell from Mulder's eye. "I had
rushed Sam home so I could write it all down and send it priority mail to
"I remember," Alex whispered."
"I felt so good, I felt so happy. But now... the way I feel today, I
don't know if I'll be able to feel that joy again."
Alex crossed the short space separating him and his lover and took him in
his arms. Fox stayed there, holding him for a few moments before he pulled
"We have to get ready for the funeral," he said softly.
Alex reluctantly pulled away and went to have a shower.
The three of them rode to the funeral in silence, Sam driving. When they
got to the cemetery, a twinge of regret and anxiousness started in Alex's
stomach. He was afraid. He didn't know how these people would accept the two
of them together at the funeral. What was he thinking? What the hell was he
doing here at all? He should have stayed home. He stood tall and squared his
shoulders; he was here to support Fox, and if they couldn't handle that,
then too bad.
His bravado lasted only a few minutes until they got to the gravesite
where the short ceremony was to take place. There were chairs on either side
of the flower-laden coffin. By the amount of chairs, Alex suspected that
there weren't going to be too many people attending. Michael's mom was
sitting there along with her son Darryl and what looked like his wife and
children. A few other people were also sitting down. Alex looked around
nervously at everyone. It was a beautiful day; fall had come early this
year. The leaves were tinged with crimson and gold against a brilliant blue
sky. Alex wished he were somewhere else, somewhere with Fox under one of the
trees in the back yard looking up at the sky, laughing.
Everyone's head turned and watched as he, Sam and Fox approached. Darryl
sneered at them as they took their seats. He nodded at Brian Pendrell, who
just raised his eyebrows. Alex sat back in his chair and fiddled with the
buttons on the sleeve of his overcoat. He did not want to be here.
Suddenly, Sam grabbed his hand and squeezed it for a moment. She had sat
between Fox and him so she could comfort them both.
More people came to sit in the chairs. Alex kept his head down, but he
could feel them looking in their direction. Most people avoided sitting next
to them until there were no chairs left and they were forced to. Alex
finally looked up and right into the eyes of Jamie Ryder's mother. Oh
fuck, can this get any worse? A small gasp left her mouth as she
recognized Alex. Alex remained expressionless as he watched her grab onto a
young man's arm. Alex suspected it was probably her youngest son. She took a
seat and was hidden from view by the casket. Alex was grateful she couldn't
see him anymore.
Alex looked back down to his sleeve and fiddled with his buttons again.
He didn't want to face the accusing eyes of the people of this town.
Finally the pastor started his sermon. Alex seriously thought the pastor
was going to point at him and Fox and yell, 'THEY KILLED MICHAEL! IT'S ALL
THEIR FAULT!' That didn't happen. The words that were said were very nice.
One of Michael's nieces got up to sing a song. During that time, Alex looked
over at Fox, who had tears streaming down his face. Sam had her arm around
him and was rubbing his shoulder. Alex wanted to reach over and take Fox's
hand, but under the circumstances, he didn't think it was such a good idea.
How sad was this? How fucked up was this situation? He couldn't even comfort
his lover, the man he hoped to be with for the rest of his life.
The young woman finished singing and they all stood. A prayer was said as
the coffin was lowered into the ground. It was only then that Alex actually
saw the people glaring at them. He shifted his stance and looked down at his
hands again. He could see Fox still sobbing out of the corner of his eye.
Michael's mother placed a rose on the coffin as it descended to its final
resting place and then the service was over. Fox walked up to the edge of
the green carpeted hole and looked down into the grave. He brought something
out of his pocket. It looked like a Boy Scout patch. Fox drew in a deep
breath then let it out in a sigh. Tears were still running down his face.
"Goodbye, my friend," Alex heard Fox whisper. "I always
loved you, Mike." Fox kissed the small patch of fabric and tossed it in
Alex felt as if he had been stabbed in the heart. It wasn't supposed to
be like this! They were all supposed to live happily ever after! How was he
supposed to now compete with Mike's ghost?
Fox looked up at Alex and gave him a weak smile, but he could see in
Fox's eyes that he wasn't looking at him; it was more like he was looking
through him. Alex reached out and squeezed Fox's arm anyway. Fox turned and
Sam linked her arm through his, and then they started to walk toward the
On the way, they encountered Mrs. Lindsey. Alex hoped they would go
around her and be on their way, but Fox decided to speak to her.
Mrs. Lindsey, I'm...I'm sorry," Fox said.
She glared at Fox but reached out to give him a brief hug just the same.
"Thank you, Fox," she replied curtly then turned away.
Alex felt another pang of guilt run through him. Suddenly, Darryl came up
"You've got a lot of nerve coming here, Fox," he seethed.
"Coming here with your little boy toy. Jamie's parents are here, for
Christ sakes. Don't you have any respect, any common decency?"
Mrs. Lindsey grabbed Darryl's arm. "Darryl, that's enough."
"No, it's not, Mom If it wasn't for him, Mike would still be alive.
I'd still have a little brother. He killed Michael, he and this...this
murdering son of a bitch. They have no respect for human life. They have no
respect for Michael. And this little...jerk has no respect for Jamie."
"Oh, and I suppose you do, Darryl?" Fox surprised
everyone with this statement.
"Excuse me?" Darryl sneered.
"You know, you talk about Mike like you loved him or something, when
you hated him. What was that you said to him when he came out? 'I have no
brother.' I was there, remember?"
"Yeah, when he came to tell me that you turned him gay."
Fox snorted, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, even from
you." He ran his hand through his hair. "You know, he went to you
because he was confused. He needed guidance; he needed his big brother to
tell him what he was feeling was okay. The day he came out was supposed to
be an enlightening experience. He wanted to get everything out in the open
and lift the weight from his shoulders. He didn't want to live a lie. But
you just pushed him away. You wouldn't let your kids see him, even though he
loved those kids. He always wanted a family, and you took his one chance
away from him."
"It's my fault? I see. I'm the bad guy here. I'm the bad guy, yet
you're the best friend who ended up fucking his lover's murderer. You
killed him, Fox. You broke his heart with your sick and twisted
little fuck toy here. And you know what, you have to live with
it!" Darryl turned and stomped off in the direction of his car with his
wife and daughter in tow.
Fox stood there, his face red, tears still streaming down his face, but
these tears were from anger. Alex came up beside him and took his hand in
his own. He didn't know what to say. They just stood there for a long time
until Fox was able to walk to the car. The ride home was tense to say the
Jason was waiting for them when they got back to the house. He had
cleared up the problem sooner than expected, and he knew Sam needed him
right now. When he saw their faces, however, he made a motion to Sam and
went upstairs to their room, speculating they would want to talk.
"Fox," Sam said quietly. "There's just one thing I want to
say to you. It was not your fault that Mike killed himself. I loved
him too, but he was a weak man. He always has been. He ran away from here
because he was scared of loving you all those years ago, and eventually he
found Jamie, who took care of him. When Jamie died, he didn't know how to
function on his own, and it was easier for him to blame everyone, rightly or
wrongly. He took the easy out by killing himself rather than dealing with
it, and much as I hate to say it, I think he intended to hurt you by doing
it. He knew how you'd feel, and he meant to hurt both of you by
driving you apart. Don't let that happen." She kissed both of them on
the forehead and went upstairs to Jason, letting him hold her as she cried
out her own sorrow and pain.
Her statement fell on Fox with great importance. She was right, he knew
she was right. He shouldn't blame himself for Mike's death. Mike always took
everything to heart and got stressed out over the smallest problems. Like
the archery patch. Mike hadn't been able to do it. He'd started shaking when
it came time to do the test, which had thrown his aim off. He'd wanted that
patch so bad... and now he has it.
Fox started to cry again; he was so sick of crying, so sick of this grief
and pain. He didn't know how to make it stop. He didn't know how to live his
life as his own without having everyone hate him. There was only one thing
to do. He would have to leave. He felt Alex's arms come around him, and he
fell into his embrace as the thought of leaving his home weighed upon his
How could he leave his home? His parents had bought this home forty years
ago; he'd grown up in this house. He'd never lived anywhere else. His
emotions overcoming him, Fox sank to the floor and clung to Alex's legs for
dear life. He let out a large, shuddering sigh. "I...I have to leave my
home." A sob left Fox's mouth. "I can't live here anymore."
Alex could only caress Fox's hair as he had a death-grip on his legs. He
waited until Fox had calmed down somewhat before he spoke. "I have a
condo in Boston that my grandfather left me. We could live there."
"I don't want to leave."
"I know, baby, but maybe it's for the best?"
Fox dried his eyes on the leg of Alex's pants, his arms still wrapped
around him. His face was digging into Alex's hip. Suddenly, his fingers were
kneading Alex's ass, and his chin was nuzzling his groin. Soon, he was
starting to undo Alex's pants.
"What are you doing?"
"I need you, Alex. I need you to show me you aren't going to make me
go through this all alone."
"I'm not going to make you go through this all alone. We're
in this together."
"I want you, Alex."
"No, Fox...no." He reached down and removed his now open pants
from Fox's grasp.
"Don't you love me?"
"Of course I love you."
"Then fuck me, Alex!"
Alex got down so he was on the same level as Fox. "No. I'm not going
to fuck for fuck's sake again. That wasn't lovemaking, that wasn't tender,
that wasn't the way it was supposed to be." He paused. "I'm not
fucking you anymore. I'm making love to you."
Fox felt hurt. How could Alex reject him like this?
"Please, Fox. Can't you see that we're just hurting each other this
way? Can't you see that this mindless fucking doesn't mean anything? I want
every time to mean something. You're just doing this to cover up bad
feelings. You're using sex as a way of escape."
Alex took Fox's hands in his own; he hadn't said how he felt very many
times before, but letting it out felt good. "Please, Fox, tell me what
you're feeling. We have to talk to each other."
Fox winced, but he knew Alex was right. He had to stop this, had to be
honest with Alex. "I want you to love me, but I'm afraid I'll lose you.
Everyone I love leaves me," he said painfully. "My parents died
and left me alone. Mike was my best friend and lover, and I thought we'd be
together forever, and then one day he told me he was moving away. He never
even asked if I'd go with him. Even Sam moved on, not that I blame
her," he added hastily. "She grew up and had to go live her life,
and I never begrudged her that, but I was alone again." He
shrugged sadly. "And now Mike's really gone forever. I guess I kept
pushing you away so I wouldn't have to wait every day expecting you to
realize what I was and go."
Alex wrapped his arms around Fox. "What is it going to take to make
you believe that I love you?" he demanded in frustration. "I don't
ever want to lose you, but I never know what you want."
"I want you. Just you. Nothing more. I want to love you and you to
Alex groaned. "Why do we keep going around in circles and ending up
right back where we started from? If one of us isn't freaking out, the other
is. Okay, let's try this one more time. To paraphrase a very wise and
beautiful man, I, Alex Krycek, love you, Fox Mulder."
Mulder managed a faint grin at the repetition of his own words to Alex
not that long ago. "Okay, I think it's sinking through my thick skull.
I promise not to push you away anymore." Then he sighed. "Or at
least I'll try my best."
"That's all I can ask of you," Alex replied, pressing a tender
kiss on his lips.
Alex and Fox held each other silently for long minutes before Alex spoke.
"Are we okay?"
"We're going to be," Fox said. He sighed sadly. "Sam was
right, although I always refused to see it. I won't lose you to Mike's
manipulations. God, I wish I could have helped him though."
"So do I, babe, so do I. I'm sorry you had to lose a friend over
Fox shook his head. "It wasn't your fault, and it wasn't mine. Mike
made his choice, and now we have to get on with our lives." He
nuzzled into Alex's throat. "I do love you, you know."
"I know. I love you too." Both men smiled, albeit shakily, and
Fox built up a fire, and they fell asleep in front of it.
Alex woke to the morning light streaming in the living room window. He
tried to roll over but realized that he was half sitting, half lying on the
couch. Fox's head was in his lap. He smiled as he looked down at his still
sleeping lover. Last night was a breakthrough. They had confronted their
feelings together, and the world had not ended. Somehow he knew they were
going to be okay. He stroked Fox's soft hair and watched as he started to
stir. Soon, Fox's hazel eyes blinked open and looked up at him.
"Hey," Alex said then bent down and kissed him on the forehead.
Just then Sam came downstairs. When she saw the two men together on the
couch, a big smile appeared on her face, and she swooped down and hugged
them. "I love both of you."
Fox groaned, "I can hear the violins now. Do you mind not squishing
"Awww, big brother, you take the fun out of everything." She
released them then stood up. "Jason and I have to go. I'm due back at
"I think that's my cue to make breakfast," Alex said. He kissed
Fox on the mouth and went into the kitchen to make them all pancakes.
After Sam and Jason left, Alex and Fox snuggled down in the living room
again. They spent the day on the couch watching television, grateful for the
silence that enveloped the house. For a week there had been way too many
people living in this home together. Dinnertime came and Alex made some
pasta, but then they went back to watching TV again, curled around each
other on the couch. It was as if they had suffered from sensory overload,
and now they needed something mindless to do.
After about an hour, Alex excused himself and went upstairs, Fox remained
on the couch watching TV. Soon, Alex was back. "Everything okay,
babe?" he asked, not turning his head from the flickering in the
"Everything's great, lover."
Fox smirked, Alex never called him lover unless... His thoughts
were cut off as a piece of smooth material covered his eyes. "Alex,
what are you doing?"
Fox heard a chuckle and then, "That's for me to know and you to find
Fox was pulled up to his feet, and he tried to reach out to the man in
front of him.
"Uh-uh! You can't touch until I say so. Come with me."
"That's not fair."
"Trust me, Fox."
Fox sniggered; whatever Alex had in store for him was sure to be good. He
was led up the stairs and to their bedroom. He couldn't see any light at all
from the edges of the blindfold.
Suddenly, hands were on him, caressing him, removing his clothing. His
shirt was pulled over his head and Alex's tongue was lapping at his nipples
in an instant. He then began to suck on one, making it harder and harder.
Fox let out a gasp as Alex bit down and sucked, marking him, making his cock
twitch. Then Alex's mouth moved down his chest and slowly licked a trail to
his navel. Alex lingered there for a few moments nuzzling the hairs on his
Fox was sweating with anticipation. It had been so long since they had
actually made love without having to keep quiet due to other people in the
house or fucking for no other purpose than to fuck. Thumbs hooked into the
waistband of his sweats. They and his underwear were brought off in one
motion. Now he was naked. Alex's mouth was kissing down his leg, but then it
"Turn around," came the soft command. Fox obliged and turned.
"Get on the bed and lie on your back."
Fox lay down on the bed, feeling that the sheets had been turned back and
a single pillow was on it. He placed his head on the pillow and folded his
hands on his chest, but Alex moved his arms down to his sides instead. He
could feel the mattress dip as Alex sat beside him.
The smell of almonds and vanilla came to him just as the warm oil hit his
chest. Alex straddled him and Fox could feel that his partner was hard. This
set his own cock in motion again and he let out a moan. Talented fingers
started massaging him, moving the oil around, caressing every inch of the
front of his body. Alex's mouth preceded the oil, kissing, nipping at the
skin then soothing with his touch.
Fox moaned, he could feel the love radiating from Alex with every
movement of his fingers. Alex's hands wandered down to his legs, massaging
the strong muscles down to his feet. Fox noticed that his cock was being
avoided and ached for Alex to touch it.
"Don't worry, baby, I'm going to make you feel so good," Alex
said as if reading his mind.
Fox only offered a moan of contentment that sounded more like a purr as
he was rolled over onto his stomach. He positioned himself so the weight of
his body pleasantly pressed down upon his cock and balls.
Not being able to see made Alex's motions even more erotic. Fox may not
have been able to see him, but he could smell the oil and smell his lover
and hear him breathe. He could also feel Alex's hard cock rest against his
body. His fingers worked like magic, the strokes providing just enough
pressure to soothe as well as arouse.
Fox's back was being massaged now, Alex's strong hands digging into the
muscles. His hands went lower, down to Fox's waist where they spent a long
time caressing and teasing the small of his back. Alex knew this was an
erogenous zone for Fox and made sure he was plenty frustrated before he
Fox was so hard. Every stroke of Alex's hands brushed his cock against
the rough sheets and his smooth belly, leaving him aching and wanting more.
He was fighting the urge to just fuck the sheets and be done with it, but
the rational side of him told him that he would be rewarded soon enough.
"I need you, Alex."
"I need you too, baby," came the husky reply to his ear.
"Just a little bit more."
Fox let out a whimper but lay still just the same. Alex's slick fingers
were now kneading his ass, his thumbs moving down on either side of his
crack. Lower and lower his thumbs went until they were at his opening. Fox
spread his legs and readjusted himself so that his cock poked down, hoping
for some contact.
Alex's thumb dug in and around his anus, spreading the oil around before
it went inside, making the hole wider. His other thumb soon joined the
first, stretching it wider, searching for and finding that special spot in
Fox jumped at the first caress of his prostate, and Alex did it again and
again. Fox was biting his lip to keep from coming and was making a
whimpering sound signaling he was close.
"I've got what you want, Fox."
"Give it to me, Alex...I want you...I need you."
Fox felt Alex's cock press up against him. "I need you too,
Slowly, Fox was filled, and his hands grabbed the sheets before him. He
still had the blindfold on and couldn't see his lover. He brought his knees
under him and pushed his ass back into Alex's groin. After a few tentative
strokes, Alex was thrusting into him with power, making the bed shake and
bump against the wall.
"God, I love you, Fox. I love you so much," Alex panted.
"I love you too, Alex," Fox whimpered. Suddenly, he was flipped
over onto his back, and his legs were raised, and Alex was leaning over and
kissing him. The blindfold came off, and he stared into dilated pupils lit
"Tell me again...tell me..." Alex reared up and moaned; his
climax was coming soon. He wrapped his hand around Fox's cock and started
pumping counter to his thrusts.
"I love you, Alex...oh God...." Fox groaned and gasped as he
came, spattering both men with his semen.
Alex let out another moan and then stiffened. He thrust a few more times
then collapsed forward onto Fox's chest. Both men lay there, breathing
heavily, unable to do much more.
A few minutes later, Alex looked up into Fox's eyes and caressed the side
of his face. "I love you, too," he whispered and kissed his
partner for a long time. He then disengaged himself from Fox and cleaned
them up before he returned to the bed, candlelight bathing his body in a
warm glow of soft yellow light.
The men snuggled together, endorphins running through their veins. Alex
was right, making love is different. It's special. He kissed Alex on the
mouth and snuggled down into his chest. They stayed like that for a long
"I guess we have to start packing," Fox said as he propped his
head on his hands and looked up at his lover.
"Are you sure you want to go?" Alex caressed his hair.
Fox shook his head. "We can't stay here. We can't be prisoners in
our own home." He sighed. "At first I was reluctant to go even
though I knew that we'd never be accepted. I thought of it as running away
from our problems. But now, we've tried to face our problems head on, and
we're not getting anywhere. It's... counterproductive to stay here."
"I agree. As much as I want to stay here in this lovely house, I
can't watch you go through any more pain."
Fox caressed the side of Alex's face and kissed him. "Thank you.
Thank you for being there."
"Where else would I be?" Alex grabbed him in a tight embrace.
Fox didn't answer him; instead he shut his eyes and hugged Alex back.
Leaving his boyhood home would be hard, but moving to a new city would give
them the chance to start over. He kissed the chest beneath him. Not many
people got a second chance at life, but he did and for that he was grateful.
I've become impossible
holding on to when
when everything seemed to matter more
the two of us
all used and beaten up
watching fate as it flows down the path we have chose
you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you
- "We're in this Together" - Nine Inch
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