Warnings: Gender-switching: femmeslash between 2 men, slash between a man and a woman, hetsex between 2 men...
Notes: Sgt. Lindstrom, in her usual form, is borrowed from a 90s military show after having her rank reduced to fit into Atlantis.
For Rodney, the morning started normally enough; unwind from John and kiss him on the back of the head before stumbling to the washroom, scratching his head and yawning as he went. It was doubtful that John was going to wake up enough to join him, so he used the toilet and headed into the shower stall, feeling a momentís disorientation that had him leaning against the wall as he did so.
"What the hell?" Chalking it up to lack of sleep, he shrugged and turned on the water, scaling up the temperature much hotter than it would have been if the shower had been shared. Sighing in pleasure, he let the water beat on his shoulders and back, easing the muscles heíd pulled during the night, not that heíd been complaining at the timeóor was now actually.
Grinning at the memory, he reached for the soap and lathered up the washcloth, bringing it up to his chest, and froze. Blue eyes popped open, and Rodney swallowed convulsively before looking down.
The shriek that followed shook the windows.
Wrenched from a deep, sound sleep by the screamóRodneyís and yet notóJohn lunged out of bed and froze between one step and the next. Hazel eyes widened as he stared at his foot, and his gaze slowly traveled up his lower body, only to still in total horror at his groin.
Another scream echoed through their rooms.
"Dr. Beckett, this is Dr. Weir; we need you in the infirmary immediately."
Instantly awake at the call, Carson stretched the arm that was trapped under Radekís head to grab his headset, pushing it over his ear and tapping it before answering. "Iíll be there in a moment, Elizabeth; what seems to be the problem?"
It took a moment for the strangeness in his voice to register, but when it did, he frowned. "Radek, you need to move, love; somethingís wrong."
Radek heard the words, but there was something odd about Carsonís voice. He raised his head, intending to ask if Carson was catching a cold, but he froze, staring at his lover. He was proud of the steadiness of the hand that reached over for his glasses, and once he had them settled on his face, he continued staring. "Carson?" he asked uncertainly, focusing desperately on the familiar blue eyes.
The shock in Radekís eyes did more to unsettle Carson than hearing his own voice had, and he lifted a hand to touch Radekís face, stopping and staring at it in mid-air when it was most decidedly not his own hand he was maneuvering. "Aye, itís me, love," he whispered, casting a glance down his body, eyes widening before he grimaced. "At least as far as I can tell."
"But... youíre a woman!" Radekís eyes ran over the solid-boned, dark-haired Scottish lass lying in bed with him in stunned bemusement. She was recognizably Carson, but there were some very obvious differences. "Either I have suffered a blow to the head or something very odd has happened."
"Iím of a mind to believe itís the second rather than the first."
Radek nodded. "Perhaps we should go to the infirmary. If Dr. Weir called, you may not be the only person experiencing this... change."
Realizing that heíd missed whatever explanation Elizabeth had given for needing his presence, Carson nodded, waiting until Radek moved to gingerly sit up. "I dinna even know if Iíll fit into anything I own though."
Eyeing Carsonís chest, Radek suppressed an entirely inappropriate urge to laugh. "Erm, no, I donít think your shirts will fit. Unless you have a very oversize t-shirt?
Carson looked down at his chest and sighed. "Mum told me the women in the family always had abundant charms; now I know she was telling the truth." He stood, swaying for a moment at the difference in his center of balance, and was about to look through his clothes when his headpiece crackled to life again.
"Carson, I donít care if you have Radek tied to the bed again; you need to get to the infirmary now!" The voice may have been unfamiliar, but the tone and hysteria in it were pure McKay.
"It seems youíre right about it being more than just míself affected," Carson sighed, finding a t-shirt that seemed as if it might fit before tapping his earpiece. "And Iím on my way, Rodney; hold your horses!"
"Thatís not what heósheóneeds to hold!" Another voice yelled into the radio, the aggrieved feminine tones presumably Major Sheppardís.
"I like that shirt on you," Radek murmured, eyeing the skintight garment straining over Carsonís chest.
"I said I was on my way, Major Sheppardóif that is Major Sheppard," Carson snapped before looking over at Radek. "And donít you be getting any ideas, boy-o." Thankfully his uniform pants fit even if they were now tighter in the hips and loose in the waist, and he pulled on and zipped his uniform jacket up to his throat.
Radek had dressed as well, intent on sticking close to Carson in this odd situation. "Iíll come with you."
Carson shot him a wry glance. "You just want to see what Rodney looks like, donít you?"
Radekís eyebrows rose. "There are a very great many straight men in Atlantis, and you make a very attractive woman, Carson. I am simply staking my claim, in case there was any question in anyoneís mind now.
"And yes, I wish to laugh at Rodney."
"Where the hell is Carson?" Rodney growled as he paced around the crowded infirmary. Miko Takata, who was now a short, slim Asian man, was curled up in the corner crying so hard heróhisóglasses were fogged, and Rodney himself was now all too aware why women with big tits wore support bras.
"Iím sure heís on his way. And considering that all of us here have the gene, heís probably got a few issues of his own to deal with first," John pointed out, grabbing Rodney on his next pass and pulling him down to his lap. Rover, who had been following Rodneyís pacing, settled at his side, fidgeting with anxiety.
"You know, I really like the tits," he murmured in Rodneyís ear.
"Thatís because you hardly have any," Rodney snapped, glancing up when the infirmary door opened again, revealing instead of Carson, anther group of ATA gene-enhanced staff, all of the opposite gender theyíd been when theyíd gone to sleep. Included in this group was a still-the-same-gender Peter Grodin accompanying a tall, broad-shouldered, Nordic-looking man in fatigues.
John frowned at them for a moment before nodding. "Lindstrom?"
"Yes sir. Major Sheppard?" The Viking, who was normally a slender, pretty woman of average height, waited for Johnís nod before coming over. "And Dr. McKay, I suppose. So this is happening to everyone with the gene?"
"So it seems." The door slid open again revealing what seemed to be a female Markham andóthank godó"Carson!"
"All right, all right, quiet down everyone," Carson bellowed or tried to anyway. "Weíre going to have to get information from everyone affected to make sure that this is simply a matter of gender switching."
"Simply?" Rodney shrieked. "I have tits!"
"And very nice ones they are," John soothed while everyone rolled their eyes or groaned.
"Is there anyone with the gene who has not been affected?" Elizabeth asked, trying to remember.
"That we wonít know until weíve checked in on everyone with the gene." Carson looked over at John before he continued. "Major Sheppard, can you have your people go to the quarters of everyone who isnít here yet? We should have a list momentarily of whoís already come to the infirmary. And, Rodney, stop staring at your chest and see what your people were working on this morning, as I know I was male when I went to sleep."
Nodding, John was already on his radio before Carson finished speaking.
Listening, Radek frowned as he mentally reviewed current projects. "I know of nothing that might have caused this." He frowned. "What was Kavanagh working on?"
"He was supposed to be fixing the secondary relays in the west section, but then how often is he doing what heís supposed to be doing?"
"He asked for my help yesterday evening," Sgt. Stackhouse announced. "He said that Dr. McKay had given him a new artifact to study and asked me to turn it on for him. I did, and thatís the last I saw of him."
"I think we had better find Dr. Kavanagh," Elizabeth gritted out.
"After I get my P90," John snarled, still sitting only because Rodney was in his lap and he didnít want to dump him on the floor.
There was a general growl from all the people in the infirmary before they were shouted down by Rodney. "No hurting him until I can figure out what he didóand how to undo it."
"And none of you are leaving here until youíve had a physical!" Carson ordered.
"Including yourself," Radek said sternly. Everything appeared all right, aside from the obvious, but he wanted to be sure that Carsonís health hadnít been affected.
Into his radio, John barked, "Ford, Bates, find Dr. Kavanagh and bring him to the infirmary!"
"Grodin, go get me my laptop!" Rodney yelled as he was herded over to an examination by those of Carsonís staff who were unaffected.
Carson sighed and ran a hand through his hair, swearing it was longer than it had been before. "All right, weíre going to need full blood work and genetic scans on everyone..."
"Yes, Dr. Beckett, we can handle it," Dr. Ivers, his second in charge, said gently, urging him toward an exam table as well.
"After Rodney figures out how to fix this," John said to Elizabeth, "can I shoot Kavanagh?"
"Iím thinking about it!" she growled.
As the nurse attending him took samples and asked questions, Rodney sat straight up. "No, you may not do an internal exam!"
Every one of the men-turned-women whipped around to stare, and all of them took a step backward, legs pressing tightly together. The women and those who were usually women snickered.
"Iím sure this will all be resolved soon," Carson said soothingly. "Once Lt. Ford finds Dr. Kavanagh, Rodney will fix the machine and set things to rights."
"I certainly hope so," Annalisa Lindstrom growled, her pale blue eyes bright with fury. "Being male was not in my plans and screws up my personal life!" Lisa looked ready to take it out of Kavanaghís hide.
John decided that mentioning he was kind of intrigued by the idea of sex with Rodney this way was probably a bad idea.
"I found Dr. Kavanagh, siróerrómaíam," Ford reported, trying not to snicker.
Johnís eyes narrowed as he glared at Ford. "You really want to be on KP again?" But his attention was diverted to Kavanagh, and he stood up, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "What the fuck did you do?"
"Less than diplomatic, but thatís entirely understandable. And a very pertinent question, which I suggest you answer, doctor," Elizabeth said dangerously, her expression reminding Kavanagh of the time she promised to maroon him on the worst planet she could find.
"Nothing!" Kavanagh protested, staring at the infirmary of strange people only to back up when a very buxom, not unattractive woman stormed up to him and to take even more steps back when a familiar psychotic cart menaced his genitals with one flashing pincer.
"Nothing is what you always do, Kavanagh. Now try to get the two brain cells in your mind to work, and tell me exactly where the equipment is you were working on and what you did to it!"
"In case you havenít noticed," John growled, "we have a bit of a situation here thanks to your unauthorized playing around with Ancient technology you donít understand! Now whereís the damned device you had Stackhouse activate last night?"
Kavanaghís eyes flicked to the tall, athletic woman who was glaring at him, and he swallowed hard. "Itís in the tertiary lab."
"Good, fine, someone lock him up before he gets killed," Rodney growled, pushing past the stunned man and grabbing his laptop from Grodin, who had just returned.
"Rodney, we havnae finished your examination..." Carson began before giving up and looking over at Radek. "Youíd better go with him."
As Radek nodded, John spun on his heel. "Iím going too." His expression dared anyone to deny him. "Ford, keep an eye on Kavanagh. Bates, youíre with me."
"McKay, donít you want me to go with you?" Kavanagh yelled after them.
"No!" all the other occupants of the infirmary shouted back.
Ford stared at him. "Do you want the major to shoot you? You turned him into a woman!"
"It wasnít on purpose!"
"Okay, that didnít work; Radek, switch the lines to the... No, no, not there, let me do it," Rodney growled as he leaned over the machine, cursing as he hit his chest on the housing and then again when his hair fell in his eyes. "I am going to kill Kavanagh."
John slouched against the wall, watching them, and he grinned when Rodney forgot to allow for his breasts... again. "And Iíll help you, but I have to admit you look pretty good as a woman."
Radek groaned. "Concentrate on device please! There is no time for sex."
"Shut up, John," Rodney snapped before he could answer that. He straightened up and checked the readouts on his laptop, tapping a few keys and nodding. "All right, try switching on the buffer now."
Radek crossed his arms and frowned at Rodney. "That requires the gene."
"John," Rodney ordered without looking away from the laptop. "Would you?"
"Great. Iím a modern day lamplighter." Despite his grumbling, John reached for the device with both hand and mind, but he didnít feel that sense of connection that told him heíd activated it. "Are you sure that idiot didnít break it?"
"Fuck." Pushing both John and Radek out of the way, Rodney leaned closer to the device, double checking connections and the crystals that powered it. "Lt. Ford, I need you to bring Dr. Kavanagh here now."
"On our way, doc."
John watched Rodney, frowning. "He did something to it, didnít he?"
Rodney straightened up and crossed his arms over his chestóor tried to. "Of course he did something to it; if he hadnít, would we all be like this with no way to turn us back?" His voice was edging toward hysteria by the end of the sentence.
John immediately moved to Rodneyís side and drew him into his arms. "Youíll figure it out; you always do. And even if we were stuck like this, hey, weíre both bi. We can still have sex." He grinned, trying to annoy Rodney out of his incipient crisis.
"In case you havenít noticed, John, neither of us has a dick any longer unless youíre intending on jumping Radek or Bates!"
Radek held his hands up in protest and backed away hastily, and Bates looked queasy while John shook his head. "Lesbians manage, Rodney; Iím sure we can too."
"Iím tempted to have Carson geld Kavanagh, and we could use his," Rodney hissed bitterly as Ford led the other scientist into the lab.
"Yuck!" John looked disgusted. "No part of Kavanagh is going inside either of us, attached or otherwise."
"Good point, thatís worse than no sex." Rodney pinned Kavanagh with a sharp glare. "I want you to tell me exactly what you did to this."
"I just replaced the missing crystal," Kavanagh whined.
"And where did you get the crystal you put in it from?"
"From that." Kavanagh pointed to another device lying on the table.
"Do you know what that does?" Rodney asked, his voice tight with strain. With each exchange, Rover inched closer, clearly eager to take its masterís frustrations out on Kavanaghís hide.
"What difference does it make?" Kavanagh shrugged. "I didnít activate it."
"Tell me again why I canít shoot him?" John growled. A moment later, Ford was offering his weapon to the major.
"Paperwork," Rodney grated, not sounding too positive of that himself. "And to explain in simple words for you, Dr. Idiot, we arenít sure what that other device does either." He took a step closer to Kavanagh with each phrase. "Which is why it was in this lab and not the main one, and stop staring at my goddamned chest!"
"Or I really will shoot you," John snapped, moving between Rodney and Kavanagh. "Ford, get him out of here before I decide to do it."
"Knives are better," Radek observed blandly to the ceiling.
Once Kavanagh was gone, Rodney sighed and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. "All right, we need to track down where this was found and see if there were any crystals brought back with it."
"I will do it," Radek offered. "It has been a stressful morning for you. Go have something to eat and rest so you will be fresh when it is time to fix the device."
"Yes," Rodney murmured, "very stressful, and nothing fits, and I think Iím getting a headache..."
John looked appalled. "Okay, we need to fix this fast."
"Major Sheppard? Dr. McKay?" One of the medics stood in the doorway with an armload of clothes. "Dr. Beckett had us get these for you; we thought they might fit better than your old clothes."
John shrugged. "Mine fit well enough. You may want to see if thereís something more comfortable though, Rodney."
"Let me see." Rodney took the clothes, immediately tossing several pieces toward John before stopping dead and squawking. "38DD? You have got to be kidding!"
John eyed him. "Try it on," he suggested, glaring at the medic who snickered.
"In front of them? Not on your life!"
John looked around and didnít see anywhere that could be closed off for privacy. "Everyone out," he said authoritatively, simply staring at those who didnít move fast enough. A moment later, the two of them were alone in the room and the door shut. "The advantages of being the military commander," he said smugly.
"Maybe they were afraid you were going to start stripping," Rodney smirked. "Iíve never seen Radek move that fast." Looking down at the clothing in his hands, he sighed, "These things really need better engineering," and set the clothes down, pulling off his jacket and stretched-to-the-limit shirt to try and get into the bra. "And I am going to dislocate my damn shoulders doing this."
"Here, let me." John moved behind him and fastened the bra, then came around to see how it fit. "Well, itís big, but not overly. Youíre probably a D, but this is better than nothing. Youíll feel better for the support; at least thatís what Iíve heard."
"Thank you so much for the pep talk," Rodney growled, pulling on the new shirt, this one military black, not that it mattered because at least it didnít feel as if it was going to pop at the seams any second. "And you should really put yours on too, you know; you look like youíre getting chilled."
"Yes, Rodney," John sighed. It was easier to give in than argue, so he stripped off his shirt and pulled on one of the larger t-shirts before hugging Rodney. "Itís going to be okay, you know."
"I meant a bra," Rodney muttered into Johnís shoulder before sighing and hugging him back. "Youíve got serious nipplage going on there."
John pulled back and stared down at his chest. "Huh. Good point." He shrugged back out of the t-shirt and pulled on the small sport bra that was in the pile, twitching his shoulders to settle himself. "That feels very weird." Once his shirt was back on, he raised an eyebrow at Rodney. "Better?"
"Much." Rodney looked from Johnís modest chest to his own and grumbled. "This is so unfair; even Carson is smaller than I am!"
Alone with Rodney for the first time since theyíd calmed down, John gave in to temptation and raised his hands to cup Rodneyís ample breasts, lightly kneading them. "Thatís Radekís problem, not mine."
Rodney squawked and leapt backwards, nearly landing on his ass when he tripped. "You are such a pervert! No, youóyouíre like a kid with a new toy!"
"Except that youíre not letting me play with it!" John looked sulky. "Itís still us, so why canít I touch?"
"Because I want to get this fixed and get back to normal!"
"Well, if you canít before tonight, Iím not sleeping on the couch, so get used to the idea!"
"I wasnít expecting you to!" Rodney yelled, poking John in the chest, then shaking his head at how odd that felt.
"Just sayiní." John caught hold of him and pulled him into a kiss, Rodneyís chest making some adjustments necessary.
Grumbling into the kiss, Rodney nonetheless acquiesced and leaned into John, frowning as their bodies were held apart more than normal. "I really hate these things," he muttered, letting his hands roam and deciding that he didnít mind the bit of extra flesh on Johnís ass now.
"I dunno, they could be fun. But I miss other things," John grumped, noting the lack of hardness pressing into him.
"Shh, donít make me think of that," Rodney hissed. "Iím fixating on this so I donít have a total breakdown."
"Sorry." John hugged him and stepped back. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
Rodney gave a lopsided smile. "Just give me a little time to process," he waved his hands at his body, "all this. I promise itís not because I donít think handful tits arenít hot. Youíve got that long-distance runner thing going, and any other time it would turn me on."
"Weíll see about that tonight, one way or the other."
"If I had any brains left to think about it, this would worry me."
"Itís something to be anticipated, not dreaded."
"Youíre just obsessed with my chest," Rodney sighed before giving a strained laugh and leaning in to kiss John again. "Canít say I blame you though; it is impressive."
"As if any part of Rodney McKay would dare to be anything less."
Rodney beamed. "For that, you can feel me up."
John laughed, but he didnít hesitate to take advantage of the invitation. An instant later Rodneyís t-shirt and bra were pushed up under his arms, and Johnís hands were cupping and supporting the large breasts while his mouth zeroed in on a nipple.
"I bet you had a thing for Playboy pinups when you hit puberty," Rodney muttered, though in truth, Johnís hands and mouth felt amazing even though the desire was different than what he was used to.
"Playboy and Playgirl," John replied cheerfully, switching his attention to the other breast while his fingers plucked and gently twisted the first one. "God, you still taste good."
"Equal opportunity slut," Rodney gasped, his hands tightening on Johnís waist as he whimpered.
"Thatís me." John bit down lightly and tugged, drawing Rodneyís breast out from his body before he released it again and licked it soothingly. One hand slid down Rodneyís smooth belly to delve under his pants, and John groaned his delight when he found Rodney wet for him.
Rodney whimpered and spread his legs wider, his eyes wide and wild as John played with him. This was so damn wrong, but it was what they had right now, so didnít that make it right?
"Oh God, you feel so good, hot and wet and slick. Gotta taste you," John rasped, sinking to his knees and dragging Rodneyís pants down. The musky scent, so different from what he was used to but still Rodney, hit him, and John cupped Rodneyís ass to tilt him forward and licked. His tongue teased the erect clit, flicking it back and forth, before pushing past to delve inside Rodney.
"Jesus, John!" Rodney hissed, digging his hands into Johnís shoulders and panting for breath. He was squirming and begging shamelessly, and for once he couldnít deny it, but this felt too damn different and too damn good to do anything but that.
"Oh yeah," John breathed against the wet flesh, carefully mouthing the sensitive lips before pushing his tongue inside again. The thumb of one hand rubbed Rodneyís clit at the same time, and the other hand continued to tease his breasts.
"John, John, John," Rodney chanted, barely keeping from falling to his knees as his whole body shuddered with the force of his orgasm, the internal spasms so different than what he was used to.
Curious, John didnít stop, instead continuing to play with Rodneyís sensitized body, wanting to see if he could make him come again.
"Jesus!" Rodney stiffened again, the waves of his second climax hitting hard on the heels of the first.
"Oh, I like that a lot. Tonight, when we donít have people waiting outside the door, Iíll see just how many times I can make you come," John promised, getting back to his feet and drawing Rodney close to kiss him.
"Donít..." Rodney cleared his throat and tried to catch his breath. "Donít try to keep me from fixing this," he panted.
"Iím not planning to. I want to get back to normal just as much as you do. But as long as we are like this, we might as well enjoy it."
Rodney eyed John strangely. "This isnít bothering you at all, is it?"
"Of course itís bothering me! Iím a woman, Rodney. But youíve managed to fix everything else thatís happened so far, so Iím not going to panic about it."
"Yes, yes, I have, havenít I?" Rodney took a deep breath and gave himself a shake, belatedly realizing his clothes were anywhere except where they were supposed to be. "So, your turn now?"
"Much as I like the sound of that, how long do you think Zelenka and the others will wait outside?"
"Okay, so if I donít get this solved by tonight, you can go first," Rodney promised magnanimously before both their headsets crackled.
"This is Weir; Major Sheppard, Dr. McKay, I need you both in my office."
"On our way, Elizabeth." John adjusted the hem of Rodneyís shirt and kissed him lightly. "Good thing we hadnít started anything or Iíd be really frustrated right now."
"Weíll have to take care of that later," Rodney promised, tugging his bra into a more comfortable position before pulling up and zipping his pants. Satisfied he didnít look as disheveled as he felt, he looked over at John and pulled him in for another kiss. "Many, many times."
"Iím looking forward to it." They walked out of the room to meet Radekís knowing smirk. "Donít even start," John growled.
"All right then." Once they were all in the office, Carson uploaded the results of the tests to their laptops and began his summary. "As you can see, the only changes that seem to have taken place are ones of gender. Both primary and secondary sexual aspects of all personnel with the ATA gene have been reversed; if the person was female, theyíre now male and vice versa."
He looked around the office, the motion causing his braid to fall over his shoulder. "All other vitals are normal for everyone examinedóand thatís everyone on Atlantis except Major Sheppard, who left before his examination could be concluded. Other than the obvious changes, those personnel who have changed to a female state have all noticed rapid hair growth."
"So everyoneís healthy?" Elizabeth clarified, relaxing slightly when Carson nodded. She turned to Rodney and Radek. "Have you made any progress reversing the effects?"
Rodney shook his head, then did it again in irritation to get the hair out of his eyes. "Weíve identified what artifact Kavanagh activated and a possible explanation as to why it had this affect on the city."
"Now can I shoot him?" John asked.
"Not yet," Rodney grated out. "We need to know exactly which crystal he replaced before you can do that."
"Be sure to let me know when I can."
"Major," Elizabeth said, though she sympathized with the desire.
"We think we will be able to reverse the effects once we have the proper crystal."
"There is one more thing," Carson said. "The changes that have occurred are quite thorough, and there have already been some instances of difficulties adjusting to the physical adjustments that have happened. This being the case, there are some eventualities to contend with if the solution takes longer than twenty-eight days to resolve."
There was a moment of silence as everyone tried to decipher that, and then every woman and former woman in the room burst into laughter, while the changed men yelped in horror.
"We are going to find that crystal now," Rodney exclaimed, jumping up to go do just that before John pulled him back down to hear the rest of the briefing.
"There is one final thing," Carson added, making almost everyone groan. "For those of you who are now women, if ye intend to be indulging in any sexual activities, have a care; first of all, yer virgins now, and secondly, without contraceptive implants, thereís a chance you could become pregnant."
Johnís eyes widened. "What the hell would happen if someone was pregnant and switched back?" he wondered, looking somewhat ill. He glanced at Rodney and was glad that they were the same sex.
"I honestly have no idea," Carson admitted. "But I think itís safest to avoid that possibility by abstinence or taking precautions."
"Listen up, Radek," Rodney snickered.
Radek glared and muttered in Czech. Elizabeth, who spoke the language, smothered a laugh.
"Are there any other questions?" Carson asked, looking around the room.
Everyone looked rather shell-shocked, and they shook their heads. The meeting broke up with everyone returning to their duties, leaving the problem in the capable hands of Drs. McKay and Zelenka.
"All right, try to find the missing crystals then undo the mess that Kavanagh caused, no problems," Rodney sighed, pushing up from his chair.
"Hey, at least weíre still us, even if we donít look it," John said, coming up beside him and sliding an arm around Rodneyís shoulders. "For the record though? If I have a period, I am going to kill him slowly and painfully."
"Not thinking of that, not thinking of that at all," Rodney sing-songed.
"Good plan. I like denial." John nodded sharply. "So, what next?"
Rodney eyed him strangely. "Didnít I just say that? Find the missing crystals."
"I was hoping for something a little more specific. Are we just supposed to wander the corridors aimlessly, whistling for them?"
"That depends if Radek found the records of where the artifact was located in the first place."
"So next would actually be for us to follow Zelenka and find out. You couldnít have just said that?"
Rodney sighed. "Yes, John, thatís what we need to do, and along the way I need food before I fall over on my face."
"Hmm, yes, I should have fed you an hour ago. Wouldnít want you to faint."
"Oh, you just think youíre so funny, donít you?" Rodney grumbled.
"Yup." John steered him toward the dining hall. "And youíre getting cranky. Definitely past time to eat."
"Weíre not going to get cravings, are we? Because, what if I have them for citrus?"
"Youíre not pregnant, Rodney."
"I know that!" Rodney snapped. "But women get them during certain times of the month, donít they?" They entered the mess hall, and he pushed through the crowds to get a tray, ignoring the stares and snickers.
"Rodney, I donít think youíre going to get an uncontrollable urge to suck on a lemon," John sighed, glancing down when Rover appeared beside them, the cart having been kept out of the meeting by the number of people in the smallish room..
"You can really say that after whatís already happened today?" Rodney absently leaned over to pat the cart and groaned as he sent his tray toppling to the floor.
Rover immediately cleaned up the mess and got a new tray for Rodney.
"See, Rover thinks youíre still the same."
"I suppose I should be thankful for that; I donít want to think of what heíd do to me otherwise." Accepting the tray, Rodney looked over the choices offered and took helpings of various breads, fruits and a kind of granola the Athosians had developed. He paused then and snickered. "Could you imagine what Carson would look like pregnant?"
Though his lips were twitching, John had to point out, "If you say that where he can hear you, youíre likely to undergo every invasive exam he can think of." John eyed the breakfast offerings, hesitating over the cereal but deciding against it since it tasted like crap with reconstituted powdered milk. He loaded up on muffins and fruit and followed Rodney and Rover to their usual table.
"And thank you for that happy thought, Major." Rodney set his tray down on the table and sat, immediately digging into his food. "Itís almost as heartening as the thought that if I donít fix this, Iím going to be menstruating in a month."
"Iíd call that some serious incentive to figure it out." John shuddered. Despite appearances, he was freaked by the events of that day, but he figured that he needed to maintain control for Rodneyís sake. "Not only would it be creepy, no sex for a week would be bad."
Rodney managed to laugh at that. "How would we survive?" He glanced over at another table where Peter was having a heated discussion with the now male Sgt. Lindstrom. "Now thatís a conversation Iím glad we donít have to have."
"I donít think we would, and I know Kavanagh wouldnít." John followed Rodneyís gaze and chuckled. "He has no idea what heís missing."
"What do you want to bet Lindstrom wears him down, at least about some things?" Rodney asked, blocking Roverís path when it seemed the cart was going to go over to the other table and spy for them.
"Great, youíve got a peeping cart." John shook his head, laughing. "And Iím sure she will; Marines are stubborn."
"And you Air Force, umm, people arenít?"
"Of course we are. If Lindstrom was Air Force, theyíd already be back in her room."
"And then weíd hear Peter scream even without a headset."
"Possibly," John admitted, watching with amusement as Grodin and Lindstrom made their way from the room. "Carson may be seeing him later."
Rodney shook his head as he finished his granola and moved onto the fruit. "I think Heightmeyer may be seeing him later."
"You may be right at that." John stole a bit of fruit off Rodneyís plate just to see the glare, and grinned unrepentantly. "Too bad he doesnít see the fun parts of this whole thing." Johnís eyes were fixed on Rodneyís chest.
Rodney groaned and fought the urge to bang his head against the table because undoubtedly this was something else his chest would get in the way of.
"All right, Kate, I definitely think you need to speak to Dr. Takata and Sgt. Markham first," Carson commented, going over the list of affected people with the mission psychologist. "They seem to be adapting the least to the change."
"I think I need to add Peter Grodin to that list. Heís not affected himself, but he doesnít seem to be dealing well with Sgt. Lindstromís change." Kate sighed and pushed her long blond hair out of her face. "This is definitely not a situation that was covered in medical school."
Carson nodded, not noticing he was chewing on the end of his braid. "Aye, I dinna envy you these sessions one bit, though I wonder if it might be best to have both Dr. Grodin and Sgt. Lindstrom there at the same time." He paused and giggled, starting at the sound. "Though you should be glad you dinna have John and Rodney to contend with."
Kate shuddered. "No, theyíre holding up remarkably well. You can see them lean on each other for strength. Youíre rather accepting of the whole situation yourself."
"Iím Scottish; weíre a pragmatic bunch, lass, and I have faith that Rodney and Radek will set things to rights again, so thereís no point in worrying about it, is there?"
"Iíd imagine that it helps that Dr. Zelenka is taking it in stride as well."
Carson smiled. "Well, yes, there is that. Actually, I believe heís quite intrigued by," he waved a hand down his body, "all this."
Kate snickered. "I believe Dr. McKay put it less politely regarding Major Sheppard."
"Thatís because Major Sheppard is having a hard time lifting his eyes above Rodneyís sternum."
"Yes, for a man in a homosexual relationship, the major certainly seems obsessed with breasts." Kate laughed again, remembering the covetous look on Sheppardís face.
"At least theyíre just Rodneyís breasts; I think that wee beastie of a cart might hurt him if he did it often or to others."
"I donít think that would ever be an issue. Havenít you noticed, Carson, that the major barely even looks at anyone else? The only time he does is when Dr. McKay is there to see. He does it for the reaction."
"In more ways than one," Carson murmured before looking up as someone walked up to them and smiling as he saw who it was. "Ah, Radek, have ye had any luck finding the missing crystals?"
"Yes and no." Radek sank down beside Carson with a sigh. "We have found crystals. Many crystals. It will take much time to test each one and make sure that we do not overload anything while testing."
"Och, it canna ever be easy here, can it?" Carson sighed, for the first time displaying tension about their current predicament.
Radek covered one of Carsonís hands with his. "We will fix it, Carson."
Kate discreetly slipped away, leaving them alone.
"Oh, I know ye will; I have faith in you and Rodney, love." Carson turned his hand under Radekís, lacing their fingers together. "And thank you."
"Youíre welcome. For what?"
"For being so good about all of this, itís helping me tremendously."
Radek shrugged. "There is no special praise due to me for that. You are still you, despite the exterior. I would be far more upset if you vanished or were no longer human."
Carson shuddered at the thought, then had to laugh at the way Radekís eyes refocused a good foot below his face. "Then youíd just best keep Dr. Kavanagh away from any unknown technology, hadnít you? Of course, I can promise you that none of us with the gene will be activating anything for him."
"I believe Major Sheppard may actually shoot him," Radek agreed. "The man ignores protocols whenever he wishes, then whines when others, who know what theyíre doing, do so. Blbec!" Fool wasnít strong enough a description of him.
"Iím not arguing with you about it, love," Carson sighed, squeezing Radekís hand. "Weíd all have been much better off if heíd been left behind at the SGC."
"Yes, he is very good in his field, but he makes Rodney look sociable, and he sticks his nose where it does not belong!"
"I do wonder how he passed the psychological profiling though." As he spoke, Carson was absently running his thumb over Radekís palm. "Ah well, Dr. Kavanagh is the last thing I want to think about right now."
Radek eyed him speculatively. "Perhaps you should go back to our quarters and rest. I have a break as well; I was starting to see double, so Rodney chased me away."
"Have you eaten yet?" Carson asked, tilting Radekís head back to check his complexion. "While annoying, our predicament isnae fatal, and overworking yourself wilnae help anyone."
Radek gave him an exasperated look. "Carson! Yes, Iíve eaten. I was suggesting that we go back to our room together for a little while as no one will be looking for us!"
Carson ducked his head and gave a rueful smile. "Sorry, love, Iíve been a bit distracted today."
"I think that is understandable under the circumstances. But perhaps we could find a way to fill the time in private?"
After taking a look around the now mostly deserted infirmary, Carson nodded and smiled brilliantly. "That sounds like a lovely idea, though give me a moment." He gave Radek a quick kiss before walking away, heading for the area where they stored the extra medical supplies.
Radek waited patiently, and it wasnít long before Carson rejoined him, and they started on their way. "It is fortunate that I have a healthy ego," Radek observed. "You are still taller than me."
"Itís fortunate Iím nae really a woman as I still weigh more than do you as well."
"You are well proportioned." Radek ran appreciative eyes over Carson. "Most attractive."
Carson chuckled and leaned in to brush a kiss over Radekís mouth. "Should I worry about you trying to charm your way into my pants, love?"
"No need to worry. I plan to do it."
"And I donít plan to put up a fight." Carson nodded to the duty staff as they left the infirmary and walked to the transporter.
Radek decided that was a good thing as he would likely lose. "I am pleased to hear it."
"And do ye realize youíll be in quite the unique position soon?"
Radek responded with a blank look, clearly not following.
Carson gave a wicked grin. "Well, love, how many men could say theyíve had their loverís virginityótwice!"
Blinking in surprise, Radek stared. "Oh. Oh!" His pace quickened unconsciously as his body reacted to the thought. "That is very... intriguing."
"Intriguing?" Carson asked, trying to keep from laughing as he sped up to match strides with Radek.
"Hot," Radek admitted. "Very, very hot."
"I should consider myself very lucky you like women as well as men."
Radek had to laugh. "Yes, it would be most unfortunate to be as... discommoded as Dr. Grodin."
"Poor Peter," Carson sighed, "and poor Sgt. Lindstrom. I imagine theyíll have quite the time of it until things return to normal." They reached their room, and Carson thought the door open so they could go in.
"Not nearly as good a time as we will." Radek moved inside and turned to face Carson, his eyes running over the statuesque form.
Carson felt a flush color his cheeks, and he shook his head at the reaction. "Well, at least this time thereís no question as to who will be leading," he commented wryly, toeing off his trainers and stepping toward Radek.
Radekís arms wrapped around him, and the Czech laughed softly. "Yes, this time, only one of us is equipped for it." His hands moved over Carsonís back, exploring the new shape, feeling the differences.
Leaning back enough to watch Radekís expression, Carson felt a rush of lust. "Do ye really like this all that much?" he asked, sucking in a breath when Radekís hand ghosted over the undersides of his breasts.
"I love you," Radek replied simply. "And yes, I have always enjoyed the female form as much as the male. To have a chance to enjoy you both ways... Yes."
"Well then." Carson smiled and reached for the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head to leave his upper body bare except for the very lacy bra some joker on staff had found for him. "Iím certainly looking forward to it as well; after all, someone once told me intercourse between men wasnít too different than between a man and a woman."
His gaze caught by Carsonís full breasts in the black peek-a-boo lace, it took a moment for Radek to reply. "You will have to tell me your opinion of it." He stepped forward, hands rising to cup Carson and gently knead the sensitive flesh.
"This is quite odd," Carson murmured, though he didnít pull away; in fact, he leaned into Radekís touch, his own hands stroking over his arms and down his sides.
"In a good way, I hope." Radek nuzzled Carsonís chest and turned his head to capture a nipple in his mouth, suckling hungrily through the lace.
"Oh aye," Carson gasped, his head falling back so that his braid brushed against his back and his hands clutching at Radekís shoulders.
"Bed would be good," Radek decided, backing Carson toward it only to pause and pull him into a kiss.
"Bed would be perfect." Carsonís voice was husky, and he dragged at Radekís shirt, wanting him nearer to naked than he currently was. "Bed with you anyway."
"And naked." Radek cooperated eagerly with Carsonís efforts, and both of them were naked by the time they stumbled to the bed, wrapped around each other.
"Wait!" Carson pulled back and reached back for his jacket, grabbing something from the pocket and handing it over. "Canít not be following my own recommendations now."
Radek gave the small foil packet a look of disfavor, but the thought of Carson pregnant ensured that he would be extremely careful. "No, I donít want to know what would happen when you change back." He laid it to one side, in easy reach, and pushed Carson flat on his back, kneeling between his legs.
Shuddering at the thought, Carson shook his head and reached up to get his hair out from under his back then reached for Radek to draw him closer. "Iím sure the Ancients thought of ways to deal with things like that, but Iíd rather not be my own guinea pig." That said, he pulled Radek into a kiss, their tongues sliding together first in his mouth, then Radekís as they rubbed together, the sensation of wiry hair and hard flesh against his own now soft curves strangely intoxicating.
Radek murmured his agreement, not about to draw back from the kiss to speak. He let himself sink down on top of Carson, pressing him into the bed while feeling the new shape of him. He pushed up on his forearms to smile down at the slightly dazed looking doctor, and he smiled wickedly as he rocked forward, his erection sliding along the already moist flesh between Carsonís legs.
"Oh my," Carson whispered, blinking to focus on Radekís face as need shot through him. "Thatís quiteó" Radek moved again, and Carson whimpered, his fingers digging into his back.
"Yes, it is." Radek curved his back to latch onto a nipple, nipping and tugging while continuing to slide back and forth against Carsonís sensitive flesh, fighting the urge to push inside him. Finally, knowing he was playing with fire, he pushed up again and stilled, groaning when Carsonís hips twisted. "You need to put the condom on me," he rasped, shuddering with the need to take what Carson was offering.
"I need toóoh, then you need to stop what youíre doing, boy-o, because I canna manage to think!" Relaxing his grip on Radekís back, Carson scrabbled for the condom, managing to focus on the task at hand when Radek did as he asked and held still. "This is so bloody odd," he muttered, ripping open the packet and pulling out the latex sheath, carefully rolling it down Radekís erection, getting his own revenge by teasing his lover in the way he liked the most.
"Yes, it is," Radek gritted out, hanging on to his control with teeth and nails, "but in a strangely good way. And if you keep doing that, Iím going to forget that your body is virgin!" He shuddered, fighting not to slam into Carson, knowing it would hurt.
"Drawing it out isnít going to change that," Carson stated, drawing his hand back and wrapping his legs around Radekís waist to pull him in. "Letís get past that part so we can both enjoy."
A steady stream of Czech flowed from Radek as he eased forward until he hit the barrier. Seeing Carsonís grimace, he kissed him briefly in apology before pulling back and then thrusting hard, pushing through the membrane to bury himself inside Carson once again.
Carson panted for breath as the sharp pain slowly faded and managed a smile as he brushed Radekís hair back off his forehead. "See? That wasnít so bad, was it?"
"I donít enjoy hurting you," Radek replied, kissing him apologetically. But he could feel Carson relaxing under him, and he began to move, slowly thrusting in and out until they could find a rhythm that worked for them.
"Well, I would hope not," Carson laughed, before Radek slid against him and his voice broke as internal muscles clenched for a moment.
"Oh, that is very good," Radek groaned. He balanced on one arm, freeing the other hand to slide between them. His fingers headed straight for Carsonís clit, lightly rubbing it as he rocked in and out of him, thrusting harder and going deeper each time.
"Radek, oh yes, thatís..." Carson gave up trying to talk and simply moved, arching into each thrust as his pleasure peaked, his orgasm roaring through him with ferocious intensity.
Radek lowered his head to kiss Carson almost desperately, but he never slowed, never missed a stroke as he refused to let Carson relax from his climax. Instead, he drove him toward another.
Determined to feel Radekís climax as well this time, Carson drove upward, tightening down on him as he pressed a finger against his ass, sliding it inward in time with their fucking. He was rewarded with another stream of incoherent Czech, and Radekís rhythm grew jerky as he drew close to coming.
Carson gasped as Radek drove into him, then he was shaking with another climax, a low, needy cry escaping his throat as he clenched around Radekís cock. The rippling spasms were more than Radek could take, and he came as well only seconds later, burying his face against Carsonís throat.
They lay together that way for some time as they recovered, hands gently stroking sweat-dampened skin and lips brushing kisses over the nearest flesh. "You are an evil man, Radek Zelenka," Carson finally sighed, "but I love ye anyway."
"And I love you too... even if youíre a woman." Radek raised his head to smile mischievously, then kissed the protest from Carsonís lips. "So, you are now in a unique position to judge..."
Carson shook his head and pushed Radekís glasses back up his nose. "I prefer being myself if you must know, but as for this..." He chuckled and kissed Radek again. "If you take long in fixing this, weíll have to give it another go just so I can be certain."
"I will try to bear up under the burden." Radek slid out of him and shifted slightly to the side, pillowing his head on Carsonís shoulder. The position needed some adjustment to accommodate Carsonís chest, but they were soon nestled comfortably together.
"Ye do realize weíre going to have to get up in a bit," Carson murmured as he stroked a hand over Radekís back.
Radek nodded. "Yes, we both have work to do, even if I would rather stay here with you."
"Well, you can strut around all evening," Carson chuckled.
"You are the one with the shape for strutting."
"That might be, but I believe Iím a bit too tender to attempt that tonight; perhaps you can have Rodney do it for you."
Radek snickered. "He would probably overbalance and fall on his face."
Carson giggled. "If he hit the floor, he might bounce, though I bet Rover would catch him."
"I think the major would get there first, especially now."
"Aye, heís most appreciative of the new Rodney, isnít he?"
"Yes, well, they were alone for some time earlier while Ďchangingí, and Rodney looked rather flushed when they came out, as did the major. I think heís come to appreciate his new shape as well."
"Och, those two," Carson sighed, tilting his head to the side to kiss Radekís bald spot before yawning. "So how long do we have before we need to get up again?"
"I think we can squeeze in an hourís nap before they come looking for us."
"Mmm, sounds lovely. An hour then back to work for both of usóafter a shower."
Radek nodded, eyes closing as he relaxed fully for the first time since heíd woken up that morning to find Carson a woman.
Annalisa Lindstrom stood in front of the mirror in her quarters, her lover Dr. Peter Grodin perched nervously on her bed behind her, and peered at her reflection. "This is so weird," she said, startled anew by the deepness of her voice.
"But thankfully not permanent." Peter looked anywhere except at the tall, muscular man who until this morning had been a very feminine woman.
Lisa turned to face him, her posture stiffening. "No, Iím sure Dr. McKay will sort it out. I guess I shouldnít expect to see much of you Ďtil he does, huh?"
Peter winced and finally managed to meet her eyes, searching for something familiar in them. "I never said that."
She smiled sadly. "You can barely look at me. And I know youíre not into guys, which, at least for the moment, I am."
Peter rubbed his face, knowing what she said was true. "Lisa, I donít know what to say. I know itís you, and Iím trying to get past it."
Lisa shrugged, trying to keep her feelings from her face. "Itís not your fault. Yesterday I was pretty happy you only liked women. Around here, that seriously cuts down the competition." She turned to stare into the mirror again, arms wrapped around herself.
"Yes, I like women." Peter got to his feet and steeled himself before walking forward to wrap his arms around her solid waist. "But more important, I like you."
She turned into his embrace with a strangled sound, her eyes shut tightly so she wouldnít see his expression. She slumped against him, feeling him stagger from her much bulkier mass, and she pulled away with an unhappy laugh. "God, I canít even hug you now."
Peter shook his head and straightened up, not releasing his hold on her waist, trying to concentrate on the feeling of her silky hair and not the rippling muscles under his hands.
"I want to be me again," she whispered.
"I know," he answered quietly, stroking her back and trying to fight the discomfort he was feeling. "Rodney and Radek will get this fixed soon, and then things will be back to normal, I promise."
She smiled sadly. "But in the meantime it bothers you more than it bothers me. I think maybe you should leave, Peter. I donít want to make you uncomfortable."
"Lisa, Ió" Peter paused pressed his cheek against her hair, "Iím sorry, Iím trying. Weíll talk later, all right?"
"Sure." She shrugged and moved away, not looking at him and not expecting to see him again until things got back to normal, if they ever did. She understood his reaction, but that didnít make it hurt any less, especially not after seeing how Dr. Zelenka had been there for Dr. Beckett.
"Lisa..." Peter raised a hand to stop her before letting it fall. "Iím sorry," he said once more before giving her a last look, his dark eyes sorrowful, then turning and leaving.
"Grodin. Good, we need all the competent hands possible helping with this," Rodney announced as he looked up from the guts of the device, impatiently holding his hand out for the next crystal.
"Yes, Iíd rather have things back to normal as soon as possible, for all our sakes."
John, who was there to activate things whenever needed since he had the strongest incidence of the gene, frowned slightly as he looked behind Grodin and found that he was alone. He knew that Lindstrom wasnít on duty just then, so heíd have thought that she and Grodin would be staying as close together as the other affected couples. "Did Lindstrom swap duty shifts with someone?" he asked bluntly, watching Dr. Grodin closely.
"No, I donít believe so," Peter answered, his eyes meeting the majorís for a moment before he looked away. He set his laptop up on the bench next to the crystals and started to download the information that had been gathered on them already.
Rodney mumbled something unintelligible as he eased the new piece into the device.
John sighed, but his soldiersí love lives werenít part of his responsibilities, no matter how much they were messing up. Still, the reminder of how things could go wrong made him reach for Rodney, needing the reassurance of the touch, even just a brush of his fingers over his partnerís shoulder.
"Hmm?" Rodney looked up at the touch, perplexed, then he smiled at John before focusing on Peter again. ""Whereís whatshername? Big, blonde, Lindstrom? She has something of a brain, and if she helps you, we can get this done faster."
"I donít know, Rodney," Peter said shortly.
"Well, get her!"
"Just drop it, Rodney," Peter glowered. "Iím not calling him; we can get Miller or Dr. Beckett to help with that."
"íHim,í" John repeated, shaking his head. "I can tell you from personal experience, Dr. Grodin, that despite the outward changes, everyoneís still the same person they were before this happened. Sgt. Lindstrom is very definitely a woman."
"Notice who noticed," Rodney snorted as he tested another crystal.
Peterís eyes narrowed. "Itís all well and good for you two, but has it ever occurred to you that Iím not interested in men, and that, platitudes aside, is what she is right now?"
"I donít do platitudes," John replied mildly. "Just ask Rodney. But youíre missing the point. No oneís asking you to change your orientation, but sheís not a man; sheís Lisa. And sheís probably scared and confused right now, and if you canít get that, you should leave her the hell alone."
"Shit." Peter rested his face in his hands and groaned. "Rodney, do you mind if I..."
"Go on, go on, Iíll just be here working with Skippy the Lamplighter, trying to solve our latest predicament while everyone else has sex."
Peter blanched at that and almost fell off his stool as he got to his feet.
John jabbed Rodney in the ribs with an elbow. "Not helping, McKay!" he growled.
"Fine, everyone except Dr. Grodin and Sgt. Lindstrom have sex, is that better now?" Rodney snapped, glowering at John and rubbing his side. "And Peter, be nice to the girl, will you? Bring her flowers oróGod, Iím a pushover; Rover, come here." The cart rolled over and raised itself up several inches so that Rodney could rummage in its storage space. "Here, chocolate. Give it to her."
John stared. "You had chocolate?!"
"I, ah, think Iíll go see Sgt. Lindstrom now," Peter said quickly, grabbing the candy and hurrying out of the lab.
"I had chocolate; I gave it to Grodin to appease his hulking lady-love, ergo, I have none any longer."
"You were holding out on me. How do I know you donít have another stash? Iím going to have to do a cavity search."
"Search Rover!" Rodney yelped, recalling what Carson had said about the newly female bodies and their state. "Iím not bleeding for your candy fix!"
"Huh?" John stared blankly for a moment before realization dawned. "As if Iíd hurt you to look for chocolate! What the hell do you think Iíd stick inside you?"
"I donít know!" Rodney exclaimed. "Considering what Carson said, pretty much anythingís going to do that."
John blinked. "Rodney, I donít think my fingers or tongue are going to Ďtake your maidenhoodí."
"Tongue, no, fingers..." Rodney caught Johnís hand and held it up. "Long ones, Major, very long ones!"
"If youíre about to suggest that I not touch you till this is fixed, dream on! Every woman here survived it, you know."
"íItí as in your fingers?" Rodney shot back, enjoying the bantering.
John growled. "Sex for the first time, you ass."
"Fine, so you go first then!"
"Okay." John shrugged, figuring it couldnít hurt much more than his first time with a guy in his teens, when neither of them had the faintest idea what they were doing. "But that all depends on us getting out of your lab some time tonight."
"Ifówhen Radek and Carson make it back tonight, Iíll lay off. That work for you?" Rodney reached out with a momentarily free hand and patted Johnís ass.
"Youíre pacifying me, but Iíll take it." John sat back down in one of the chairs and settled in to watch Rodney work.
"All right, you two, go get some rest now," Carson ordered when he and Radek entered the lab some time later. "And get some food into you too; send yer cart for it if ye have to."
John stood up and stretched. "You heard the man, Rodney. Letís go." Even Rover was edging toward the door and then going back to Rodneyís side, apparently eager to leave.
"Wait, wait, wait, I think this oneís working," Rodney muttered, looking back and forth from the device to his laptop.
John sighed and sat back down, while Radek peered over Rodneyís shoulder to see his results.
"Yes, yes... Fuck." The waves on the graph depicted on the laptop monitor evened out, then flattened as they watched. "And that would be a no."
"Leave now," Radek said emphatically. "And do not come back before morning."
"I knew I liked you," John murmured, standing back up.
Still muttering at illogical technology and idiot scientists who couldnít keep their hands off of it, Rodney stood as well, placing his hands on the small of his back and stretching out the kinks heíd developed sitting hunched over the device. He yawned, but when he opened his eyes, what he saw was John, Carson, and Radek all staring at his chest.
"You," he snapped, pointing at Radek, "stare at Carsonís tits not mine. Carson, I donít know, stare at Radekís crotch or something. You," now he rounded on John, "can stare in private, got it?"
"Fine, Rodney," Carson interjected quickly. "Now why donít you get a bite to eat and let the major tuck you into bed."
"A wonderful plan," John enthused, eyes still fixed on Rodneyís chest. "Why donít you send Rover for food, and he can meet us back at our room?"
Radek rolled his eyes at Carson. It was a source of continuing amazement to him that Rodney put up with the majorís antics with such good graceófor him. They clearly deserved each other.
Rodney nodded and yawned again as he grabbed his laptop. "My notes are downloaded," he told Radek. "If you find anything, let me know."
At the other manís nod, he patted Rover and leaned against Johnís side. "Okay, Rover, get us some food, then come to the room." The cart sped off at that with John and Rodney following it.
"That is very convenient," John observed when Rover turned toward the dining hall while he and Rodney continued on to their room. "Iím really not up for all the stares if we had to go ourselves."
"Once was more than enough for today," Rodney nodded. "Though I almost wish I could see the Athosiansí faces when you and Ford go to the mainland to pick up Teyla tomorrow."
John looked horrified and amused at the same time. "Halling already thinks weíre all insane; this is just going to confirm it for him."
"Right now, considering Iím going to go back to our room to have sex with my male lover who is now a woman, Iíd have to agree with him."
Now snickering, John hugged him close as they walked. "And donít forget that you have really hot tits now."
Rodney cocked his head to the side, studying Johnís chest critically. "You know, you do too. Actually, they remind me of Carterís, and you know how hers rank up there for me."
John growled. "Iím going to make you forget who the hell she is!"
Rodney tried to keep from laughing, but it was in vain.
"Bastard. If we ever do get back to Earth, youíre going to be handcuffed to me when weíre at the SGC."
Rodney snorted and let his hand slip lower to cup Johnís ass. "Donít worry, sweetie, Sam considers me her friend nowóand Iím very taken."
"Damn right you are," John growled, only partially appeased since he very clearly recalled Rodney raving on about the Ďbeautiful and a genius tooí Lt. Col. Samantha Carter.
They reached their room, and, once they were inside, Rodney pushed John up against the door. "Damn right I am," Rodney purred, leaning into Johnís body and drawing his head down for a slow, lingering kiss, distracting him so that he could get his hands under Johnís shirt and bra to cup and tease his small breasts.
"Fuck, that feels good. Weird, but good," John gasped, arching his back to thrust his chest into Rodneyís hands. He reached for Rodneyís shirt, wanting it off, wanting to touch him as well.
"Tell me about it," Rodney muttered before biting Johnís throat. "And no, you donít, my turn right now, then we eat, then we can see just how many multiples of multiple orgasm we can get to."
John looked a little dazed, but he was eager to follow that plan, so he leaned back against the door, smiling. "I donít get to touch at all?" he asked wistfully.
"God, you have such a tit fetish," Rodney sighed, rubbing his thumbs over Johnís nipples before lightly pulling on them. "Fine, go for it; itís not like I mind."
"Hey, I get you and tits, something I never expected. And theyíre just as sensitive as your nipples always were." John arched his back again, amazed by how good it felt. Unlike Rodney, his nipples had never been especially sensitiveóit felt good to have them played with but nothing more than thatóbut that had certainly changed now.
Rodney snorted and pushed Johnís shirt up and out of the way, wanting both it and his bra off even though the latter proved annoying. "You need a real bra," he muttered, fighting the stretchy elastic. "This thingís possessed."
Laughing, John grasped the bottom of it and pulled it up and over his head like a t-shirt. "I donít have to worry about catching things."
After pulling back to look critically at Johnís breasts, Rodney shrugged. "If you say so; I just think it might hurt if they were sensitive." Grinning evilly, he dipped his head in to take most of Johnís right nipple and breast into his mouth, sucking on the firm curve.
John whimpered, his hands going to Rodneyís head and tangling in the fine, dark hair. He shivered, the nipple on the other breast tightening without being touched, and he felt a clenching deep inside, so very different from the rush of arousal he usually felt.
Groaning around the puckered flesh in his mouth, Rodney worked Johnís pants open, letting the zipper gape open as he slid a hand inside, pressing a finger into Johnís slick folds and rubbing it against his clit.
John nearly fell down, his sharp inhalation loud in the silent room, and he fell back against the door, his legs spreading to let Rodney touch more of him. "Oh my God, thatís good."
"Almost makes you jealous, doesnít it?" Rodney chuckled, straightening up and leaning back to watch Johnís expression change as he rubbed his finger back and forth.
"One word," John got out after a stuttering moan, "prostate."
Rodney nodded. "Damn good word, one I appreciate very much."
"And distinctly lacking at the moment." John moaned again as Rodney played with him, feeling himself get wetter with each stroke of those clever fingers. "But clits? Also good."
"Youíre going to find out just how good in just a little bit, Major." Now Rodneyís grin was carnal, and he slid his hand further back, pressing a finger into John while rubbing his palm against the tight nub of his clit.
John gave up on speaking, finding concentrating on the sensations filling him much more interesting. He wasnít entirely certain his knees were going to support him for much longer, but he wasnít about to move. Aside from some completely involuntary writhing and thrusting.
"Thatís it, John, let me feel you," Rodney crooned, unaware that he was rubbing up against John as well, turned on by watching and feeling him.
John shot him a wild-eyed look, wondering how Rodney thought he could do anything else. He whimpered softly with each exhalation, the tension deep inside him drawing tighter and tighter.
Catching John by his hair, which now brushed his shoulders, Rodney pulled him down and in for a kiss, sliding his tongue over Johnís in the same rhythm. Gasping, John returned the kiss hungrily, his tongue pushing back into Rodneyís mouth as he tried to increase the speed of Rodneyís motions, sure he would die if he didnít come soon. Giving in to Johnís silent demand, Rodney dragged his fingers faster over the hot, wet flesh, his thumb dragging over Johnís clit as he shifted his mouth to suck on Johnís earlobe.
Sure that he would have fallen to the floor long since if not for the support of the door, John shut his eyes, concentrating on the feelings surging through him, so very different from what he was accustomed to. He groaned, his hips jerking, and then cried out, yelling Rodneyís name as he came.
"Good, eh?" Rodney chuckled, pulling his hand from Johnís pants and licking his fingers, shivering at the salty liquid covering them.
John nodded, not quite up to speech yet. His eyes followed every movement as Rodney cleaned his hand, and he shuddered with renewed arousal at the sight.
"Now we just need..." Rodney was cut off when the door behind John slid open, spilling them both into the hallway at Roverís front wheels. The cart shot backward, banging against the opposite wall, then revved its wheels, sounding for all the world as if it was in shock.
"Argh!" Sgt. Stackhouse had been carrying his dinner back to the safety of his own room, and now it was splattered all over the floor and even parts of John, Rodney and Rover. "The universe hates me!" he growled before storming off, muttering, "Itís not bad enough Iím a woman. Oh no, I have to starve to death too!"
Recovering from his shock with lightning quickness, Rodney pushed up to his knees. "Losing a few kilos will make your ass look smaller!" then collapsed, giggling on top of John, making Rover, who had been trying to cover the majorís chest, scoot backward again.
"Rodney, why is your cart trying to dress me?" John wanted to know.
"So you donít flash half of Atlantis of course." Rodney got to his feet and held out a hand to help John up as well. "Of course, I hope we didnít spill our food because I donít think Roverís going to get us any more today."
Accepting the hand, John rose to his still slightly shaky feet and moved back inside the room, waiting until Rover followed before shutting and locking the door. "I think the only food casualty was Stackhouseís."
"Oh good." Rodney looked from the trays on Rover to John and frowned. "Do you need to sit down?"
"Yes!" John moved over to the bed and stripped off his food-stained clothes. He settled himself comfortably, at ease in his nudity, before looking at Rodney expectantly. "Well? Why are you still way over there?"
"Just making sure you arenít going to faint and fall over on me."
"Neither of usíll faint if we actually eat something." John eyed him. "Are you going to feed me choice tidbits?"
Rodney eyed him speculatively. "That depends on what you consider the choice tidbits."
"Well, the choicest ones have to wait till after we refuel."
"Exactly." Rodney kicked his shoes off and pushed off his pants to get comfortable in baggy boxers and his t-shirt. He scratched his belly before grabbing the trays and carrying them over to the bed and handing one to John. "Well, we survived a day of this."
John settled his tray on his lap and took Rodneyís for a moment to let him settle himself without worrying about spilling. "Yeah, we did. Thank God weíre in this together. I would be seriously freaked if I was trying to deal with it on my own."
Rodney slid an arm around Johnís shoulders and gave him a hug. "Iím pretty sure I know what you mean by that. This is weird." He sighed and looked down at his chest. "So fucking weird, but weíll get through it."
John grinned and leaned into Rodney. "Yeah, we will. Only in Atlantis." He shook his head with a soft laugh.
"Makes me wish I was back in Russia." Rodney grinned. "Almost."
"Gee, lemme guess, some blond with cheekbones to die for?" John pretended to grumble.
"Nah, guy named Misha with green eyes and the tightest ass youíve seen in your life," Rodney shot back with a wink.
John grinned. "I like blue eyes better myself."
"Eat, John, then you can stare into my eyes all you want."
"Aww, youíre too good to me." He laughed when Rover made a noise that sounded like a grunt of agreement.
"Tell me something I donít know," Rodney muttered, picking up his fork and digging into his stew.
"You love me." John batted his lashes.
"Oh, that is just so wrong!" Rodney shuddered.
"You donít love me?" John pouted.
"Damn, Iíve still got it."
Rodney ate a huge bite of stew and washed it down with a swig of whatever the mess was passing off as coffee that day. "Face it, Major, aside from a few minor differences and one major one, youíre just the same."
"Yup, and Iíve still got you, too." John made a face as he took a bite of the stew. "Yuck, I thought they were using that Athosian recipe, but this tastes like MREs."
"Really?" Rodney took another bite and licked his lips. "I like it."
John gave him a jaundiced look. "You like MREs too."
"Yeah, and I like you too, something wrong with that?"
"Nope. But I taste better."
Rodney grinned at that. "In any form."
John had to laugh. "Stew first, then whatever else we want to taste."
In answer, Rodney spooned another mouthful up and ate it.
John concentrated on his own meal, hungry after the dayís events. After he ate half the serving, he set the bowl aside, not wanting any more, and simply watched Rodney.
Mopping up the last of the juices with a roll, Rodney finished that as well and leaned back against the wall, sighing happily. "Much better."
John smiled, as always enjoying Rodneyís enjoyment of food. "So, dessert?"
Rover bumped the bed, reaching for the trays, and Rodney smiled fondly, leaning over to give the cart a pat on his sensor array. "Good boy," he murmured, causing the cart to shimmy in pleasure.
Once Rover was back in his corner, Rodney turned to John and tried the batting his eyelashes thing himself.
"Okay, that does look silly... but kinda hot too," John decided. He shifted onto all fours and crawled up to straddle Rodney, pausing just long enough to rid him of his t-shirt and bra before pushing him flat on his back.
"Yes?" Rodney asked dryly, looking up at John with an amused expression on his face.
"Good answer." John lowered himself, a bemused smile crossing his face at the sensation of Rodneyís breasts under him.
"Slut," Rodney whispered, pulling John closer so that they could rock together, their lips brushing together.
"You like me that way." John pushed up long enough to tug Rodneyís boxers down so that Rodney could kick free of them, and then settled back against him and moved one leg between Rodneyís, his thigh pressing up against him.
"Nah." Rodney shook his head and brought his hands up to stroke Johnís breasts, groaning as his nipples pebbled against his palms. "I love you like that."
John grinned. "I know."
Rodney groaned. "Now that you look like Leia, you go all Han on me; thatís my line, remember?"
"I stole it," John replied unrepentantly. "Whatcha gonna do about it?"
"This," Rodney grinned, sliding a hand between Johnís thighs to tease him.
John moaned, his eyes half closing as he licked his lips.
"Roll over, John." Rodney continued to stroke the now wet cleft as he spoke.
It felt too good to argue, so John rolled over without a word, though he did offer an appreciative hum when Rodneyís hand stayed with him the whole time. Once lying down, he spread his legs and drew his knees up, opening himself to whatever Rodney had in mind.
"I want to fuck you." Rodney leaned in to brush his breasts against Johnís body, his mouth trailing hot kisses above them as he worked his way upward.
"God yeah. But, uh, no dick, remember?" John squirmed against the sheets, his hands coming up to run over Rodneyís shoulders and back.
Rodney lifted his head and grinned, his eyes dark with need. "Tongue and fingers, John, tongue and fingers. Weíll do fine."
"Better than fine." Johnís voice had gone huskier with arousal, and he raised his head to kiss Rodney before relaxing again. "Iím all yours."
"Damn right you are!" Rodney nipped at Johnís lower lip before working his way back down, nibbling at each of Johnís breasts while he continued to play with his clit, wanting him wet and relaxed for what was to come.
"Ohhhhhh Rodney!" John writhed, his nails, somewhat longer than theyíd been the day before, lightly scratching at Rodneyís back. It was still weird to feel himself getting wet, but it felt damn good too. He looked at Rodney, hazel eyes meeting blue, and he licked his lips.
Grinning tightly at that reaction, Rodney sucked harder on Johnís nipple, one finger pressing deeper into his body as the others rubbed over the erect nub of his clit, his own body feeling tight with need and anticipation.
Gasping with need, John arched up, pushing into Rodneyís hand eagerly as his inner muscles clenched. He was dripping, he was so wet, and they were just getting started.
"Fuck, you feel so good," Rodney whispered against Johnís chest, loving Johnís taste and feeling no matter his gender. His finger pressed deeper, and he felt John tense slightly as it brushed the barrier within him. Scooting back even further and grumbling when the move squashed his tits against the mattress, he licked at Johnís cleft, eating at the tender flesh.
"You too," John panted. The twinge of pain had startled him, but if anything, it just added a little extra edge to his pleasure, and he was squirming to get closer, not away.
Rodney only hummed in answer, but he lifted his gaze to meet Johnís one again, holding it as he suddenly pushed his finger forward, at the same time, sucking on the hard nub between his lips, not wanting to give John pain without the pleasure.
The dual sensations had John whimpering and writhing on the bed, his limbs shifting restlessly as he rode the crest of pleasure. Rodney was driving him higher and higher, taking him, possessing him again, and John loved every second of it.
Whining softly and writhing over him, Rodney continued to stroke and lick John, finally pressing another finger inside him and feeling the tight walls stretch around them.
"Oh fuck yeah, feels so good," John groaned, the sensation of being filled so familiar and yet so different. He couldnít reach Rodney to do the same for him, but he could reach those abundant, sensitive tits, and he did, teasing at the rigid tips while John rode Rodneyís fingers.
Rodney shuddered and pushed upwards as much as he could without losing contact with Johnís groin, giving a muffle yelp when Johnís fingers closed around his nipples. John lightly pinched and twisted, tugged and flicked, everything and anything to make Rodney feel good.
Rodney pulled back enough to lick a long stripe up Johnís slit and pressed a third finger into his body, thrusting them inward harder as John rocked back against them.
John yelped and stiffened, his fingers momentarily digging into Rodneyís breasts. "Okay?" Rodney panted, immediately gentling his touch.
"Yeah, itís good. Donít stop," John demanded, wanting more. Rodney grunted in response and went back to what heíd been doing, namely driving John insane. Johnís fingers flexed gently on Rodneyís tits, kneading the full globes and tugging at the nipples as he tried to share some of the pleasure he was feeling.
Dragging a finger from his free hand through the wetness, Rodney slid it under John and pushed it into his ass, adding to the pressure within him. An instant later John was wailing and thrashing under Rodney as he came, his body clenching around the fingers inside him.
Rodney pushed up on his elbows, gently easing his fingers out of Johnís body, and looked up the length of long, lean curves to his blissfully smiling expression. "Slut."
"Uh huh." John just kept smiling, perfectly content to lie there and bask for a while. Realizing that John wasnít moving any time soon, Rodney sighed morosely and rolled to his back to stare at the ceiling. The moment he did, John pounced.
Straddling Rodney, he smirked down into the startled blue eyes, stole a quick, hard kiss, and backed up till he could wedge himself between Rodneyís thighs. "I had to stop before I was ready this afternoon," he practically purred. "And I did say I wanted to see just how many times you could come."
Rodney smirked. "Are we talking single or double digits?"
"Oh, I am going to make you eat those words!" John slid two fingers inside Rodney, finding that he was wet and slick already from what heíd done to John, and he smirked as his thumb began to rub the erect clit, pushing him hard and fast.
"Rather eat you," Rodney gasped, arching upward off the bed, and, as he had been on edge already from playing with John, coming in a matter of seconds.
"Thatís one," John murmured an instant before his head pushed down between Rodneyís thighs and he began to suck delicately on Rodneyís climax-sensitized clitoris.
Much later that night, a dazed and groggy Rodney McKay lifted his head from Johnís thigh to try to focus on anything at all. "I think I owe you one, but itíll have to wait until morning, okay?" Not bothering to wait for an answer, he collapsed again, one arm around Johnís waist as he snored softly.
"Damn, I found another way to make him stop talking," John murmured, smiling fondly at Rodney before closing his eyes as well. "Iíd still rather be a guy though."
John woke and peered blearily at his hands. "Still a woman," he sighed.
Rodney muttered something that might have been an interrogative and burrowed closer, having somehow migrated up Johnís body during the night.
"Definitely cute and cuddly."
Waking a little more, Rodney growled. "Fuck you, Major."
"You do quite frequently."
Rodney rolled to his back and groaned, and every muscle in his body protested. "Too frequently considering how I feel this morning. Can you be put in traction because of sex because I really think I threw my back out, and fuck, theyíre still there." Heíd finally opened his eyes and caught sight of his chest.
"Impossible, no and yup." John grinned in amusement at the immediate stream of consciousness outpouring that was Rodney McKay waking up.
"Youíre no help at all."
"Sure I am; I let you sleep on top of me."
"You would have been vertical if youíd been on top of me, so of course you did."
"Naw, just an inclined plane," John snickered. "And you always end up on top of me."
"Which explains the odd bruises I always seem to have from your bony hips."
"I am not bony!"
Rodney poked a finger at Johnís hipbone. "Not everywhere, but those definitely are!"
John glared. "So findóa better spot to sleep in!" He stuttered briefly as he reconsidered what heíd been about to say, not wanting Rodney to misunderstand.
"I donít want a better spot, I want this one!" Rodney glowered. "And I am not arguing about this right now; I need a shower."
"Yeah, I feel... sticky. And it feels really weird. How do women deal with this?"
"They take showers," Rodney snorted, finally sitting up and yawning. The angle provided him with a better vantage point of the sheets and their thighs, and he shuddered. "Blood, gross, gross, Iím not thinking about this, Iím not, Iím not, Iím not." He practically threw himself off the bed and raced into the bathroom to start the shower while Rover rolled over to begin tugging at the sheets to strip the bed.
"Hey, let me get up first!" John grumbled at Rover, who ignored him. He followed Rodney to the bathroom before he got bundled up with the sheets to be laundered. "So, does this mean weíve gone where no man has gone before?"
Rodneyís tortured groan was the only answer he got.
Snickering, John turned to brush his teeth and yelped when he got a look at himself in the mirror. "Oh my God, I look like Cousin It!"
"And this is different from your normal look, how?" Rodney called from the shower.
"About an extra two feet!" John peered at the tangled mess and groaned. "How am I ever going to get the knots out?"
"I would suggest a comb."
"Maybe if I get it wet and pour conditioner on it, Iíll be able to get a comb through it. Yup, Iíll try that." John stepped into the shower, gasping at the heat of it before it adjusted to the temperature they compromised on. "I donít know how you can stand that," he said, gesturing with the comb in his hand.
"Iím hot-blooded," Rodney said dryly as he dabbed the washcloth at the inside of his thighs.
"Isnít it cold-blooded creatures that need their surroundings to be hot? To keep themselves from becoming torpid?" John smirked before turning to grab the condition and try to tame his hair.
Rodney grumbled and moved out of the way so he didnít get squirted by the masses of conditioner John was pouring on his head. "Do I look like a baby science aficionado to you? No? Exactly right!" He continued washing himself off and sighed. "I miss my dick."
"Me too. So hurry up and figure out how to get it back." John grunted and winced as he started drawing the comb through his hair and immediately ran into knots that defied untangling. He tugged harder, but he wasnít making any progress.
"Give me that." Without waiting for John to comply, Rodney reached out and grabbed the comb. "You need to start from the bottom and work them out. Havenít you ever combed a womanís hair before?"
"No, canít say that I have." John leaned into Rodney, relaxing as the scientist slowly worked the tangles out of his hair. "Feels good."
"So it was wham, bam, thank you maíam?"
John stared at him. "How the hellóNever mind. No, I just never felt the need to groom them." He thought about how he often combed his fingers through Rodneyís hair and realized that heíd never done that with anyone before. "Huh."
"Translation please." One section of hair was straightened out, and Rodney pushed it in front of Johnís shoulder to work on the next.
"I just realized that I like playing with your hair, touching you. I never wanted to do that with anyone else."
"Thatís because Iím eminently touchable," Rodney said haughtily, though he was grinning at Johnís back as he spoke. "You canít resist."
John rolled his eyes. "Just what your ego needed, more inflating."
"Sadly, thatís all that can inflate right now."
"Iím sure youíll get us back to normal soon."
Rodney sniffed and shook his own wet hair back out of his face. "Of course I will, and then I intend on fitting Rover with a laser and setting him loose on Kavanagh."
"I want a recording of that!"
"You are not trying to record anything ever again for the rest of our lives!" Rodney shrieked, pulling Johnís hair for emphasis.
"Ow!" John nearly cringed. "Fine, fine, you record it."
"Weíll get Ford to do it; heís good with a camera." Rodney went back to work, working his way through the rest of Johnís hair until it lay against his shoulders in a smooth, dark mass. "There, all better now."
"Thanks." John shook his head, feeling the wet hair move against his shoulders, and made a face. "Okay, that feels disgusting. If weíre going to be like this for long, Iím getting a haircut."
"Come on, dear, weíll go dry it, and then youíll feel better," Rodney cooed, leading John out of the shower and thinking it off before grabbing towels for both of them.
"Youíre pacifying me, arenít you?" John grumbled.
Rodney nodded, snickering as he wrapped his own hair in a towel and then started to dry himself off as well. "It needed to be done."
"Iíll remind you of that next time the shoeís on the other foot." John toweled off and then had to comb through his hair again afterward, finding that heíd tangled it again. "Help?" He offered the comb to Rodney again.
"After that comment?"
"Please?" John tried to look pitiful.
Rodney rolled his eyes and groaned but took the comb and began working it through Johnís hair again. "And Iíll remind you of this next time you try to pacify me."
"Like I didnít already know that." John decided that he liked this. "Too bad we have to get back to work. That feels good."
"So will getting back in our own bodies," Rodney reminded him, getting out the last tangle and looking around for something to tie Johnís hair up with. Finally, he settled on the broken waist string from a pair of sweat pants that Rover hadnít managed to get rid of. "Sit down and Iíll get this under control for you."
John sat. "Youíre not putting me in pigtails, are you?"
"Would I do that to you?" Rodney asked innocently.
"Rodney..." Johnís voice was warning.
"You donít want to look like Sailor Moon?" Rodney laughed, even as he drew Johnís hair back into a single ponytail and tied it up.
"Iíd rather let Ford name something!"
"Thatís pretty damn serious," Rodney snickered. "And there, all done, now get dressed like a good little girl, and we can go see if anyone made progress over the night. And thank you, Rover." Rodney beamed at the cart which was returning to the room bearing breakfast and a steaming carafe of something or other which hopefully was caffeinated.
John growled before going to get dressed. "Where the hell did my bra end up last night?" he muttered, searching the room for several seconds before finally finding it all tangled up with the t-shirt heíd been wearing, though thankfully not stained by any of Stackhouseís meal that had spattered them. It only took a little longer for him to get dressed, and then he was sitting down opposite Rodney at the small table in one corner of their room to have a cup of ersatz coffee.
"Weíre going to have to find more of those damn things if this lasts longeróor do laundry every night," Rodney groaned between bites of the fruit Danish the cooks had come up with. "And more shirts too."
"Iíd call that even more incentive for you to figure this out." John took a bite and stared at his Danish in surprise. "Hey, this is good."
"No dick, plenty of incentive here," Rodney answered through a mouthful of food, waving his hand to punctuate his point.
"Just checking." John grinned as he ducked the flying appendage, used to Rodneyís dramatics.
Rodney grumbled and continued eating, finishing before John, and waiting impatiently while he downed the last of his food. "Hello? In a hurry to have XY chromosomes again here..."
"Geez, Rodney, some of us prefer not to inhale our food, you know." John swallowed the last of his coffee and stood up, jumping back out of the way as Rover grabbed the used dishes. "I swear he tries to hit me," John grumbled, eyeing Rover balefully.
"He does not," Rodney protested, patting the cart on its sensor array as it settled beside him. "Both of you just want to be in the same place a lot of the time."
"Yeah, he wants to be between you and me." John sighed. "This is so bizarre. I guess I should be grateful I know you want me here, but Rover really needs to get a friend or something. Maybe toys? Puzzles or something? Anything to distract him."
Rodney nodded and reached for John to pull him into a hug. "When and if we get time to look for more of him and study them, heíll have one and your shins will be safe."
"I will be eternally grateful." John hugged Rodney back before starting toward the door. "To the lab?"
"Where else?" Rodney asked incredulously as he followed John and Rover followed him. "Oh, and if Radek grins at us this morning, Iím going to smack his smug Czech face."
"Iím pretty sure Radekís going to be grinning at Carson this morning. And Carsoníll be walking even funnier than we are."
Rodney had to giggle at that. "He already was last night, didnít you notice?"
John laughed. "No, I was a little distracted at the time, Jayne Mansfield."
"Oh, ha ha ha, very funny, Twiggy."
"Iím not skinny!"
"John, if you stood between Carson and me, youíd vanish, but I love you just the way you are."
"Again with the insults and good stuff all in the same sentence. But I love you too." John stopped and caught hold of Rodneyís arm, pulling him to a halt and into his arms so he could kiss him.
"Major, Doctor McKay, glad to see youíre so perky this morning," Ford snickered as he walked up the hallway.
John raised his head to glare at the lieutenant. "Iím sure thereís some ordinance that needs to be checked."
"Take Dr. Kavanagh with you in case you need weapons practice."
"Bring extra Marines with you in case you miss," John suggested, still more than a little annoyed with the scientist.
"We could always give him a buzz cut, sir," Ford offered.
Rodney snickered. "Get him in his pride."
John smiled wickedly. "A good idea, but I couldnít in all conscience order someone to hold his hair to do it."
"Haz mat gloves," Rodney and Aiden said at the same time.
John started to laugh. "Should I be worried that the two of you are finishing each otherís sentences? Are you dumping me for a younger man, Rodney?"
"Well, he does have a dick..." Rodney mused, making Ford shake his head and hold his hands up to ward him off.
"Sorry, Doc, I donít mess around with other guyís SOs. If you need me, I gottaóuhódo something important!"
Snickering, John held Rodney close as they watched Ford beat a hasty retreat. "Stop scaring the children, Rodney."
"True, heís an easy mark, no challenge at all." Rodney gave John another quick kiss and let go so they could get to the lab.
"And we all know you like a challenge," John murmured, following Rodney and trying to walk normally despite a lingering soreness in places he shouldnít even have.
"Which would be why I like you." They reached the lab after a quick transporter ride, and Rodney looked around, checking which of his personnel were there before deciding who to pounce. Watching him, John sat down, squirming uncomfortably for a moment on the hard stool, and waited for his lamplighter abilities to be required.
"Feeling a bit peaky this morning?" Carson asked as he sank down next to John while Rodney and Radek argued about the data collected over the prior night.
John grinned at him. "I didnít get a whole lot of sleep last night. Youíre looking a bit sleep-deprived yourself, Dr. Beckett."
Carson blushed, but that didnít stop him from laughing. "Shall we say Iíve developed a healthy respect for the feminine form, laddie. Not that I donít want my own back, mind ye, but still..." He shook his head, clearly recalling the previous evening.
"Exactly," John agreed with a wicked, throaty chuckle that had Rodney and Radekís eyes turning to them.
"Donít want to know, donít even want to know," Rodney said almost wildly, his gaze darting between John, Carson, who was now laughing hysterically, and Radek.
"Just take a bow," John suggested, making Radek burst into laughter.
"This is what I live with," Rodney groaned to the room at large.
"We know," nearly everyone chorused, laughing.
"Arenít you lucky?" John beamed.
Rodney started to groan, then stopped, his interest caught by something on the datapad. "Did anyone translate this yet?" he asked, poking the screen several times to get to different parts of the readout.
Radek peered over his shoulder. "No, that is just beyond where weíd reached."
"Look! Look at this!" Grabbing a plug, Rodney connected the datapad to the larger monitor and brought up the schematics heíd found. "Apparently this thing was sort of an ancient marriage counseloróit let them..." he paused, translating further. "It let them basically see life from their partnerís shoes."
"Well, it bloody well didnít do that for me!" Carson exclaimed.
"He has a point," John said. "Let me guess. Kavanaghís replacement crystal?"
"Must have somehow amplified the affected area. Do we know where it came from yet?"
Radek put his hands behind his back and stared at the ceiling, really not looking forward to the reaction. "We believe it was a pest control device, designed to sweep through the entire city."
Rodney simply stared at him in shock for a moment. "You mean that I was turned into a woman because Kavanagh couldnít tell the difference between a fucking roach sprayer and a sex therapy toy?"
"Well... yes." Radek continued his fascinated inspection of the ceiling.
"Oh, thatís it, I am going to shoot him!" John growled.
"No, I say we turn him into a cockroach, then stomp on him," Carson muttered with uncharacteristic vehemence.
"No, no, not a cockroach," John exclaimed. "Theyíre unkillable!"
"Fine, a worm, heís spineless enough to be one so it wonít take much work!"
"Just make sure itís really dead. Donít they regenerate into two separate worms if you cut them in half?" John, and everyone else, shuddered at the thought of two Kavanaghs.
"Are you trying to give me a nervous breakdown, John?" Rodney asked, his tone edging toward a whine.
John hastily got to his feet and kissed him. "Sorry."
"Fine, fine." Rodney rubbed his forehead. "So, once we get the crystal problem sorted out, weíll have to change people back one at a time."
John shrugged. "It wonít be too bad. There still arenít all that many of us. I guess itís a good thing your new gene therapy isnít quite ready yet, Carson."
"Aye, that would have been a pretty pickle."
"Well, sitting here talking about itís not going to get anything done," Rodney announced. "Letís get moving, people!" The door whooshed open, and he frowned when Peter Grodin and Sgt. Lindstrom came in, Grodin sporting a darkening black eye.
"What the hell happened to you?" he yelped.
"Accident," Peter muttered, darting a look at Lisa and flushing.
Eyebrows rising, John looked from one to the other, observing the rising blushes on both faces. "I donít want to know, do I?"
"No sir," Lisa mumbled, unable to look her CO in the face. How was she supposed to know that it felt that intense when a guy was about to come? She hadnít meant to jab her elbow into Peterís eye while he was teaching her how guys masturbated.
"Do ye need an ice pack for that, lad?" Carson asked, trying to keep from laughing.
"No thank you, Dr. Beckett." Peter tried to draw himself up and ignore the snickers coming from around them. "Iíll be fine."
"Good, then get to work; you and Lindstrom can start with that group of crystals. Radek, you and Carson take that group, and John and I will work on these. Everyone else, I want more thorough translations of these documents so we know if thereís anything else this pile of crap does."
Not about to argue with Rodney on a rampage, everyone scattered to follow his orders. John leaned closer so he could murmur, "Youíre really hot when you get all commanding, you know."
"Work, Major," Rodney growled as he attached the first crystal to the leads connected to the laptop and nodded at John to activate it. "Or Iíll have you work with Peter and Iíll take Lindstrom."
John glared. "Again with the blonds. Thatís it, once this is over, Iím chaining you to the bed!" He didnít realize that his voice had risen until he heard several snickers, but he didnít back down, continuing to stare at Rodney.
Rodney looked up from the readouts and smirked. "Rover will get me out."
John growled, "So not helping!"
Lindstrom turned wide eyes to Peter and whispered, "Is Dr. McKay actually suicidal?"
"Heís Rodney," Peter said if that explained it all.
Rodney chuckled and patted John on the hand. "And then Iíd have him help me chain you to the bed."
John considered it. "I can work with that."
"Please shut up now and test crystals!" Radek barked.
Rodney snickered and nudged John in the side. "I wonder if Carson likes it when Radek gets commanding too."
"Keep yer mind on yer own personal life!" Carson hissed.
"Apparently so," John decided.
Radek glared. "Do you wish to remain women forever?"
"Some people have no sense of humor," Rodney sighed before going back to work.
Radek glared at Rodneyís back and muttered in Czech, making John wonder if he should start worrying for Rodneyís life. "Is he likely to get homicidal?" he murmured to Rodney, absently moving his leg as Rover tried to get past.
"Carson will save usóI think."
"I think Iíll put my trust in Rover."
Obviously hearing that, Rover banged against the side of the bench before scooting back somewhat to rub against Johnís leg.
John reached down to pet him. "Thanks."
"Oh Lord," Radek whispered to Carson, "now the major and the cart are on the same side. Weíre all doomed."
"Dinna worry," Carson murmured, patting Radekís thigh. "Soon enough one of them will get jealous over Rodney, and theyíll be where they were before." He sighed then and scrunched up his face as he attempted to activate the crystal Radek had given him.
"You are very brave to activate all the crystals," Radek murmured soothingly as he peered at the results, trying to keep Carson calm.
"And yer full of baloney, love, but I appreciate the sentiment."
Radek raised his head to grin. "And if we finish this, perhaps tonight I can be full of you."
The crystal flared to life, causing Carson to start violently and almost drop it.
"No, no!" Radek exclaimed, hastily cupping his hands under Carsonís to catch it if necessary. "You mustnít drop crystals!"
"Well then, ye shouldnít be saying things like that while Iím holding them now, should ye?"
"I was trying to give you something to look forward to!"
"And ye saw just how much I was, didnít ye, boy-o?"
"I suppose I did at that."
"How come they get to flirt?" John pouted at Rodney.
"Because they can do that and still work; you canít."
"I can so!"
"Oh please, you can not."
"How would you know? You never let me try!"
"One word, John, and it begins with an Ďsí."
On the other side of the room, Sgt. Lindstrom was gaping at her commanding officer in disbelief, never having been privy to how he acted around his lover and his close friends before.
"It only gets worse, trust me," Peter sighed, shaking his head as he looked up from his readouts.
John grumbled, "You donít want me; you just want a lamplighter."
Rodney sighed and grabbed John by his ponytail, pulling him over to kiss him. "You can light my lamp any time, baby."
Peter hid his face in Lisaís shoulder. "Thatís how."
"Aw, theyíre kind of cute in an over-the-top, sappy kind of way."
"I heard that, Lindstrom, and for that you get to be the last changed back!" Rodney called.
She laughed. "As long as it happens, I donít care if Iím first, last or somewhere in between."
"I think Rodney and the major need to be last, or no one else will get changed," Carson commented wryly.
John chuckled. "Youíre probably right. But thatís okay; some things are worth waiting for."
"And weíre all going to be waiting for them longer than necessary unless you people work," Rodney announced.
"We are working," Radek retorting, gesturing at the piles of crystals.
"Well, do it quietly!"
John leaned over and kissed him.
"At least thatís quiet," Rodney sighed, unhooking the crystal and getting another one.
John settled down for a long and boring morning with only the trip to the mainland to pick up Teyla that afternoon to look forward to.
Looking out at the Athosian village, John leaned back in his seat and sighed. "Youíd better go out first, Ford, and let them know what happened, or they might attack us." He glanced over at his snickering second, then behind him at Rodney, who was murmuring reassurances to Rover, who seemed to be afraid he was going to be left with the children again.
"Glad to, sir," Ford gasped, his laughter following him out of the jumper as he headed for the group of Athosians walking from the settlement.
"I still donít know why I had to come," Rodney muttered while still patting Rover. "I would be of much more use in the lab right now. You know, trying to get us back to normal?"
"You needed a break," John said yet again, having already told Rodney this several times, starting from the moment heíd manhandled his scientist out of the lab. "And if Iíd left you there, no one would have been able to make you take one."
"I still say you only dragged me along so that they had something to gawk at rather than you!"
"Naw, I brought you so that Iíd have something to gawk at," John snickered.
Ford stuck his head in the hatch, still grinning like a fool. "Everyoneís been warned, sir. You can come out now. You too, Dr. McKay."
"Come on, our publicís waiting." John headed out of the jumper, hoping that Rodney would follow. Judging by Teylaís expression as she stared over his shoulder, he did.
"As you can see, weíve had a bit of a... development," he greeted his team member, trying to ignore Fordís smothered laughter. If the lieutenant didnít watch it, he was going to experience Roverís pincers for himself.
"So Aidan has told us, Major." Teyla struggled to keep her shock from showing, but obviously wasnít all too successful. "I am pleased that other than youródevelopmentsóyou and Dr. McKay are well."
"Over-development," Rodney muttered while Rover hid behind him when it heard the Athosian childrenís cries of greeting.
John grinned. "Weíre fine. The only changes are physical, and we have every confidence that Rodney will get us back to normal... before his back gives out," he snickered.
"Is your back not well, Dr. McKay?" Halling asked from the front of the Athosians. "If you were unwell, you should not have made the trip to see us."
"Iím fine, thanks." Rodney smiled, but it was more of a grimace. "Just peachy."
John snickered. "Itís just taking us a while to get used to the changes." He grinned at Rodney, wondering how much more he could get away with before Rodney sicced Rover on him.
Teyla eyed them, amused as familiarity with her team mates allowed her to follow the teasing. "You make fine women," she observed, her dark eyes sparkling with laughter.
"Thank you, Teyla." Rodney glanced over toward John and smiled. "The major was telling me on the way here how he would like to spar with you while we were stuck this way. Heíd like to get used to this new body in case thereís some action."
John gave him a death glare. "Unfortunately, we wonít have any time with me spending all my time helping Rodney find the crystal we need to get us back to normal."
"Unfortunate indeed," Teyla replied, unable to hold her smile back.
"You could always try it here," Rodney offered. "Iím supposed to be taking a break, and watching you two spar is as good a way as any to spend it."
Ford looked as if he was about to bite his tongue in two to keep from howling with laughter.
"You mean youíd entertain the kids while Teyla and I worked out?" John asked sweetly, making the gathered children cheer.
Rodney turned a very pronounced shade of white, and Rover rammed into Johnís shins accusingly before scuttling back behind Rodney. "Of course I will," he said with sickly cheer. "And Lt. Ford can help me."
The children cheered even louder.
"Then I guess weíre up for a sparring match," John said to Teyla, shrugging. Fortunately, his body wasnít changed nearly as much as Rodneyís, so hopefully Teyla wouldnít do him too much more damage than usual. Assuming he could actually stand on his right leg, of course. He glared at Rover for the throbbing pain in his shin.
Still snickering, Ford trotted over to the children. "Okay, who has that football I left here?"
Smirking and petting Rover, Rodney settled on the ground, leaning against the cart, which had maneuvered behind him to support his back.
"Donít think youíre not going to make this up to me later," John muttered in an aside to Rodney before accepting the fighting sticks from Teyla and setting himself for her first attack.
"Be glad to, Major," Rodney chuckled, watching them circle each other, then looking over to where Ford was playing with the kids. Yawning, he folded his arms behind his head and smiled. Even with being a woman, life was pretty good right now.
John yelped as Teyla took advantage of his distraction to hit him. He forced himself to look away from Rodneyís chest and concentrate on the sparring.
The morningís scene in the lab was repeated over and over for the next week, the only changes being the way the colors changed in Grodinís black eye and the fact that all the workers were growing more desperate as the pile of untested crystals grew smaller.
"It has to be here," John murmured, sounding more prayerful than certain. Each passing day made them all more nervous as they began to fear being stuck like this forever.
"Unless it got broken, and thatís why the device was in that back room; it broke before they left, and they never got a chance to fix it, and weíre going to stay this way and -"
"Rodney!" Carson said sharply. "We dinna need to hear our fate again and again!"
Even Dr. Takata was glaring at Rodney now, and John frowned. "Try thinking positive, Rodney. Iíd hate to have to arrest one of our friends for killing you."
"And you wouldnít stop them first? Thank you so much!"
"Well, Iíd try, but weíre rather outnumbered, and youíre inciting them to superhuman rage. I donít think Iíd have much success."
"Rodney, Rodney, come here, I think weíve found something!" Peter announced several hours later.
Everyone in the room dropped what they were doing and rushed to surround Peter and Lindstrom, Radek and Rodney pushing forward to check his results.
"Yes, yes... Radek, double check that energy signature," Rodney ordered before letting out an excited squeal he didnít even notice. "This is it! I knew weíd do it!"
"Oh thank God," John breathed, slumping onto a stool in relief.
"Itís really the correct crystal?" Carson asked, while Peter leaned back against the wall, breathing a sigh of relief as he reached for Lisaís hand and squeezed it.
"Of course itís the correct crystal; why would I say it was if it wasnít?" Rodney snapped. "Now we just need to get it into place and test it."
"I will volunteer to be the test subject," Miko Takata said.
Radek frowned. "We have no way to test it except on one of you. It should work, but no guarantees of that."
"I have faith in Dr. McKay," Dr. Takata said fervently.
John frowned slightly, and Rover moved so that he was between Rodney and the other scientist.
"Easy, boys," Rodney laughed, in too good a mood to worry about anything at the moment. "Now all we have to do is to get this crystal into the device, make sure itís running, and weíll be set to go."
"So what are you waiting for?" John was more than eager to be himself again.
"For all of you to move so I can transfer this thing without worrying about tripping on someone!" Rodney looked down to where Rover was bumping the bench. "That means you too. Scoot!"
With a great deal of grumbling, everyone did as ordered until Rodney actually had room to work, although they all craned forward to see.
Taking infinite care, Rodney carried the crystal over to the device and set it in place. Beckoning John over, he had him activate the device, then grinned as it came to life, glowing a vibrant yellow.
"Power readouts are steady, no fluctuations, everything looks good," he murmured, poking around the board and making minute adjustments as he spoke.
"Then I should test it," Miko said, reaching for it eagerly.
"Just one minute," Rodney said, holding up his hand. "I want everyone else out of hereójust in case."
John remained stubbornly still. "Iím not leaving without you."
Rodney sighed. "Why did I know you were going to say that? Fine, once everyone is out of here," he glared at the remaining people as he spoke, "I want you to activate the machine and think of Dr. Takata as she is normally."
It took a few moments, but the others reluctantly left the room, and finally it was just the three of them and Rover. John took a deep breath and reached for the device, which glowed even more brightly when he touched it.
Rodney winced and looked away, wishing heíd brought protective goggles. When the glow cleared, he was faced with the once again female Dr. Takata, who grabbed him in a hug and kissed his cheek. "Oh, thank you, Dr. McKay! I knew you would come up with a solution to this!"
"Yes, well, umm," he began when it seemed she wasnít going to let go. "Glad to help."
John peeled her off of Rodney and nudged her toward the door. "If you wouldnít mind sending one of the others in," he suggested.
"Yes, of yes, of course!" She rushed out the door, and they could hear the happy cries from the others outside.
"We should get everyone else down here now that we now it works." Rodney commented.
John nodded, already activating his radio to let Elizabeth know. She would make sure everyone got there. He smiled as he watched Radek practically push Carson into the room.
"No, you do not need to be last. You should be first so that you know what happens and can monitor and assist the others if necessary," Radek was saying patiently to the protesting doctor.
"Oh just do it, Carson," Rodney sighed. "Heíll be having a fit soon if you donít."
"I still say there are others who should go first," Carson muttered even as he allowed Radek to nudge him into place in front of the machine. "Like Major Sheppard for one."
"What about me?" Rodney protested.
Radek stared. "Major Sheppard does not wish you to be last?"
"Why would he want that?" Rodney looked from Radek to John in confusion.
John blushed and stared at his feet in apparent fascination, refusing to speak, so Radek explained, "Tits. Male again."
Rodney leaned his head on his hand and waved a hand at John. "Just activate the thing already."
Though not quite sure why each person didnít simply activate it themselves, John did what Rodney wanted and activated the device again.
It took the majority of the morning to get all the ATA gene enhanced personnel changed back as there was a disruption when Sgt. Markham, newly switched back, started crying hysterically while cupping his groin.
"Yeah, all right, thatís the last except for us," John said finally, checking the list that Elizabeth had sent down and Carson had checked. "Youíre up."
"I thought you wanted to go first? So your Y chromosome could appreciate my tits."
John kissed him. "I admit I love your tits, but I just want you back."
Rodney beamed at that. "Itís okay, go first; I can wait."
John hesitated, but when Rodney nodded at him again, he reached for the device, concentrating on himself and how he normally felt. A moment later he laughed aloud in pure delighted relief as he looked down at his blessedly male body.
"Okay, you have one minute to feel me up, and then Iím getting rid of these damn things."
Laughing, John pulled Rodney in for a hard kiss, his hands cupping and stroking the full breasts. He was happy to feel the familiar surge as he hardened, and he thrust forward, pressing against Rodneyís softness.
"God, you feel good," Rodney sighed, leaning against John and rubbing against his familiar hardness.
"You do too," John panted, pulling Rodney even closer.
"Thirty seconds, Major."
Laughing again, John stepped back and reached for the device.
"Go." John activated it.
The world swam, and the moment it righted itself, Rodney grabbed for his chest and his crotch. "Yes!" he crowed while Rover spun in excited circles nearby.
"Welcome back," John said an instant before he wrenched Rodney into a deep kiss.
"I suppose skipping out on the mandatory checkups would get us yelled at by Carson," Rodney groaned into Johnís mouth as they rocked together, fitting together much better than they had for the past week.
"Heíd probably order us confined to the infirmary," John agreed with a deep groan, relieved to hear his own voice again.
"Watched over by his sadistic staff while he and Radek made out in his office."
"Bastards," John breathed, his mouth moving almost frantically over Rodneyís jaw and neck.
"And nobody believes it; they think theyíre both so sweet and nice," Rodney groaned, digging his hands into Johnís once again short hair and biting his earlobe.
"Fools." John groaned and reached down, pushing his hand inside Rodneyís pants to curl around his cock. "Oh God, yeah. Missed this."
"Uh huh." Rodney dragged Johnís sweats open as well and stroked his erection, the familiar feel making him whimper, the sound coming again when Johnís hand tightened on his own shaft.
"Rodney," John whispered, so very glad to have them both back to normal. His hand moved faster, refamiliarizing itself with the heft and texture of the hard shaft.
"Fuck, John, feels so good," Rodney gasped, his hand faltering as all his concentration zeroed in on just what John was doing and how damn good it made him feel.
"Yeah, you do." John needed to feel and hear Rodney come, needed to know that it was all over and that they were together the way they should be.
Rodney whimpered, then cried out when John rubbed a finger over his balls, and then he was coming, laughing in relief at the welcome feeling. John stroked him through the spasms, then raised his hand to his mouth so he could lick it clean, humming his pleasure at the familiar taste.
"Now you," Rodney rasped, shaking himself out of his lethargic haze to redouble his efforts, teasing John with the touches he liked best, a firm, slow stroke, before giving him what he wanted.
"Oh God yes, please," John whimpered, thrusting into Rodneyís knowing gasp. He was close, so close, and then he was gasping Rodneyís name as he came, his semen pulsing over Rodneyís hand.
"Now I feel like weíre back to normal," Rodney murmured, cleaning his own hand before grimacing in distaste as his now wet boxers clung to him.
"Oh yeah, thatís the best part of normal," John agreed. He pulled his shirt off and then tossed aside the now useless bra with a sigh of relief. "I wonít miss that."
"Quickies were a hell of a lot neater the other way, though," Rodney sighed, using his own bra to clean himself up even though Rover grabbed it before he could throw it away, tucking it into a compartment along with Johnís for disposal.
"I can live with the mess!"
"Not arguing!" Rodney yelped. "So, should we go let the med staff poke and prod us so we can get released and poke and prod each other?"
"Sounds like a plan." John caught Rodneyís hand in his and held it tightly as they started toward the door.
"Oh, and get Bates to lock that thing up somewhere secure, would you?"
"Hell yes! Weíre not going through that again!"
"Not even for multiple orgasms."
John laughed. "No, not even for that. Weíll just make do with what weíve got."
Rodney nodded and smiled up t John as they headed out of the lab, Rover trailing behind. "Weíve got each other; Iíd say that was more than enough."
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