YOUR PHRASE OF THE DAY (thanks to the Surrealist Compliment Generator)

Its a far far better thing I do than to require that you find me a hammer and pummel me with all due diligence, but yet remember that it is I, your solicitor, who keeps you from aligning too much with the listerine salesman.

if i could have everyone's attention for just a second. if a monkey and one of n'sync formed a band in space, what would it be called? please let me know.

ATTENTION! There is a new link that everyone in the world needs to go to. Go on, best get on it.

I shall now bestow upon all of you fortunate people reading this text my benevolent plan in life. And boy is it a doozy! Okay, try 'an stay with me here. First, I will learn Chinese. Simple enough. Then, once this great task has been achieved i will fly to the south china sea, where, upon my arrival, i will rent a nice sailboat and sail around the south china sea until i am captured by pirates. Then (and here's where a little risk comes in) i will plead with the pirate captain for my life, and, of course, he will grant me my wish and i will become part of the crew. Then i will work my way up in the ranks until i am a captain of my own ship. Once a pirate captain i will aquire great and fabulous wealth. As soon as this wealth is aquired i will fly to Liechtenstein and pay the king a great sum of money to make me a baron. Then, once a baron i will have the title "Baron von Thomas the pirate captain." Then i can retire with the rest of my fabulous wealth to a life of luxury. And only minimal exertion is necessary for this plan to work. BOOYA!!!!

Now for something that you pitiful people cannot possibly comprehend, and you other websites have no chance of competing with! A BIRD EATING CHEESE!!! CHEESE FOR GODS SAKE!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AND ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE IT CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!

sorry, i got a little carried away, its just so exciting. bird+cheese=luv

Man Bitten By Radioactive Sloth Does The Lying-Around-All-Day Of 10 Normal Men CENTRAL CITY—Laboratory assistant Brent Barker, bitten by a radioactive sloth last week in a freak lab accident, now possesses the relative loafing powers of 10 men. "Could someone pass me some more crackers?" asked the media-dubbed "Crimson Lump," speaking from his titanium sofa, the only known object that can withstand his superhuman lethargy. "I can't reach them from here." Scientists are likewise baffled at Barker's uncanny ability to remain motionless while watching amounts of television that would kill an ordinary mortal.

many thanks to the onion for describing my life better than even I could.

This website does that to your soul!!!

SIGN MY GUESTBOOK ALL OF YOU UNGRATEFUL INFIDELS! I MAKE YOU LAUGH, AND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURN? NOTHING!

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THE ON-GOING SAGA OF THE PLATE IN MY ROOM!!!

10/30

mom: thomas, there are a startling number of dishes in your room.

me: water restrictions, im saving them for later.

mom: thomas, put them in the dishwasher.

me: but mom, water restrictions. i don't want to be wasteful.

mom: there's an upsidedown plate in the middle of your floor ontop of your history book for heaven's sake.

me: at least it's on the book.

mom: thomas.

me: in my defense, that plate was on my footrest until the dog knocked if off.

mom: ...

tune in next time to find out if i pick the plate up!

THE WONDEROUS ADVENTURES OF ME... IN MY HEAD

Day 1 - Not quite sure what's going on, thought I was in Kennedy Airport, turned out I just had my head stuck in the closet again. I'm so confused.

Day 2 - Spent Valentines Day with head in a closet, maybe this way I won't have to see any of those god forsaken candy hearts. God damn them all.

Day 3 - It's March 7th now. Time flys when you're having fun. Fun with your head in a closet. hoo-boy

Day 4 - Finally took my head out of the closet, turns out it was an rapture closet. My damn body ascended to heaven and left my head here. I'm now typing this with my nose.

Day 5 - Friends was a re-run. Have decided to go on spiritual quest for my body. Nothing better to do.

Day 6 - Spiritual quest going alright, i guess. Have found guide named Ben to lead me. To tell the truth though, I think he's as confused as me at a screening of Caddyshack III.

Day 7 - Russians are finally going to launch one of n'sync into space. If he finds that monkey the Russians sent up about 40 years ago they can make a new band. Not quite sure what to call it though. ideas?

Day 8 - Ben has told me of a wise guru living atop a high mountain in Nepal. Supposedly this wise guru man has a couple spare bodies that he keeps around, just in case. I personally think Ben is full of shit, but its worth a try.

Day 9 - Started to climb the mountain. Ran into trouble the first night when we were attacked by a tribe of tap-dancing midgets. Not sure how this ordeal will turn out.

Day 10 - Had to leave Ben with the tap-dancing midgets. We must go on.

Day 11 - After leaving Ben with the midgets i have become horribly lost. There is a starbucks on the horizon but i'm not quite sure if i'll go in.

Day 12 - Have been staring at the people in starbucks for 8 hours now. None of them have moved. I wonder if maybe this isn't a figment of my imagination.

Day 13 - Ah gah mah tungh thtuck to the meta'l powl ouwsiwe thtarbuckth. Tho muth pain.

Day 14 - Thome liwl kidth threw a thnowbawl at me. Damn them awl to hell.

Day 15 - finally got my tounge off of the pole. Not one of the prouder moments of my life. I'm so alone.

Day 16 - I have decided to give up my holy quest and go play putt putt. Cause nothing is greater than playing a game of golf with a gator.

YOU'VE SEEN ALL THERE IS TO SEE, NOW GO AND SCORE SOME DOOF! CIAO