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An Ocean of Tears in a Motion Blur...

*NEW*Man everything just keeps falling apart, i wonder how much more i could lose. Or do i just think of this as a test of how much i can take before i break? Im in court, or at least soon to be in court, with my father. My mother wont talk to me, and i dont know where im going to go in may... everyone says when your at the bottom there is only one way to go, but i ask, is there a bottom? im so confused, i dont know what i should do, the wrong move and i lose everything... i know i dont deserve it, for the hell i put you through, but i could really use you here to talk to blinker... im so alone now, and i need you in my life to talk to right now... maybe im just hoping you can be a better friend to me then i was to you... im sorry... i just dont know how much more of this i can deal with, i just need you to talk to... im sorry, please forgive me...*NEW* It’s impossible for me to know where to start this letter. With everything that has happened between us in the past, both distant and recent. I told you once that apologies mean nothing without action behind it, unfortunately I can’t show you I'm sorry, I can only tell you. I am sorry. I carry with me a regret now that is equal to the regret I have of not seeing my grandmother one more time before she died almost a decade ago. There are no explanations for what I did, there is no excuse to make it right, and even worse, there is nothing that will take it back. Plain and simple I was wrong. The only thing I can say is that my actions were out of anger, selfishness, and stupidity. I used to think I could fix anything, that I had all the answer, but I don’t. But you have to admit, I tried, and I gave it my all, from leaving you alone during winter break, to doing what I did. You have to give that to me at least, that I tried everything. I will say that I’m not proud of some of the things I did, nor will I ever be, but I was desperate, I didn’t know what else to do, and for a while I became someone that wasn’t me, someone I never want to be again, and being him hurt you, and for that I apologize with everything I am. Again these are nowhere near being excuses, nor do I ever want them to be, there are no excuses. Looking back I see I only kept making mistakes, never seemed to find the right thing to do, I guess I’m someone who needs a lot of second chances. I like to hope that sometime, somewhere down the road we can resolve this, it’s a spider web of a hope, but its still there. Although I’m sure you hate me now, but that’s the grave I dug for myself, but please know that if there was one thing I could change, I would take that back. There are lyrics to a song, that explain it better I suppose: “ We’ll fast forward to a few years later, where no one knows but the both of use, and I have honored your request for silence, and we’ve washed our hands clean of this…” But I really messed things up this time, and for most of it I am the only one to blame. I wake up and look in the mirror disgusted with myself, anger makes us do stupid things, I learned that one, I thought I was evening the score, turns out I was only losing. I was scared of the change, I didn’t want it, I had all I wanted, I had the perfect girl, a great job, a car, my music, everything. But things change, so I've found. And for a time I did too. I just didn’t want to let go of the life I had, I didn’t know how too. I know you may never forgive me for this, or maybe there is a chance for it sometime, but I know I will never forgive myself. I’ve turned into a wreck, I cant sleep, hardly eat, but not because of you, because of me, and what I did. I broke my promise, I promised I would never hurt you, and I broke that. I hurt the one person I love. I can only say, to even remotely try and make it up is that I promise on my Grandmother’s grave that I will never hurt you again. I’m looking for forgiveness when I have no right to it. I guess David Gray said it best, “ Please forgive me, if I act a little strange, for I know not what I do…” I am so sorry for what I did, and I mean that honestly, and truthfully, I hope somewhere you can find a reason to forgive me. I’m sorry. It’s hard to put apologies for six months worth of mistakes into one last letter, but I tried. But one more time… I’m sorry…DMBGuitar@hotmail.com

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