ROM : Pussy City Pimps You know when people find out they're going insane and start reading all their favourite books and listening to their favourite records in a desperate attempt to get as much out of life as they can before being reduced to dribbling wrecks? Some might call it a swan song. Well the Christmas decorations have just gone up in my house which means pretty soon it'll be all i can think about, as fun as it is doing festive articles i feel it's important to pull off one last non-festive review before being plunged headfirst into the bustling world of mass consumerism, forced jollity and false sentiment. In a desperate attempt to stay awake through the witching hour last night i went on Kazaa and found out what she had to offer me, i got lucky. A NES emulator with many a game to boot, i was a very happy bunny. Remember the fat guy from Beverly Hills Ninja who kept cracking jokes to Chris Farley, that's how happy i was. The first ROM i chose to look at was a game called Pussy City Pimps. I wasn't sure what to make of it at this point, from reading the intro i've worked out that this wasn't exactly sitting on the shelf next to Mario and I'm guessing this is Japanese. The plot of the game is that pimps have kidnapped my favourite hoe (i hate it when that happens) and i have to get her back. Pussy City sounds like the place to be. It's not cool to make assumptions but i think we can all safely assume that the man who made this game had serious sexual frustration. The game begons at :: gags :: * Horny Orgy High * but let's not even think about that, there are some things a guy just isn't meant to know. The gameplay is very similar to The Simpsons arcade fighter but with characters who scream "PISS!" when they die. If you 'stomp they ass' good enough they leave a coin behind which bounces on the spot and then disappears if you can't grab it quick enough. There are lots of weapons in the game which you snatch out of the bad guys hands and throw at them, on occasion you can even pick up the characters and throw them. The game play, despite being a one button jobby is excellent, i enjoy any game which involves picking up a bin and smashing it into someone's face. The one flaw here is that all the characters walk at the same speed so you can actually win the game by just walking along in a straight line while they walk along behind you in a fun run kind of way but where's the fun in that? After making my way past the many 'whore pick-ups', i came to the 'SLUTTO MALL' where i finally get a chance to spend some of that hard earned money. SLUTTO MALL is like Meadowhall but with less males and clothes. First stop Metro Whores where it'll only cost me 90 cents for 'in my bum'. Where are shops like this when i have money? Did i mention that on the menu 'password' has been cleverly changed to 'pussword', it's the little things like this which make the game so special. What's a trip to SLUTTO MALL without a quick browse in Labia Book Store? That'd be like The City Of Lost Children without Dominique Pinon, still good but not AS good. I don't even want to know what a fairy leap is, i can use my imagination for the other two. What kind of a weird book shop is this anyway? The woman behind the counter is my favourite in the entire game because she's semi-naked for no apparent reason, just naked for the hell of it, that's what i like to see, also i have a lot of respect for anyone who greets me with the phrase "How can I **** you today?". I like the way the next shop is obviously a sushi bar yet there's not a fish in sight, not one damn fish. As much as i'd love to not nitpick this fine game i have to point out the fact that the menu offers cheaper or expensive sluts yet everything seems to be going for free, CLOSING DOWN SALE! I chose expensive just to see if there was another sub-menu but all i got was a friendly "cum again", what is a girl to do? Maybe he accepts grains as payment. And at the end of a long day shopping what better way to relax than kicking back and relaxing with a big steaming cup of Hot Semen? Yum. And some waffles to go with it. But wait a minute! I forgot all about "your favourite hoe HORNY". The battle continues! I didn't get much further, one of the pimps kicked my teeth in and apparently i lost all of my semen as well. One final point, the music on this game made me want to rip parts of my body off with my bare hands but i couldn't figure out which ones so i didn't. If you can download it do so, you'd be a fool to let this one slip by. Mister_Gav@hotmail.com