12.16.02 3:40 pm

Used and abused

Been a while since my last update. Typical. I now return more bitter, and more angry.

Jesus. I'm really sick of how some people treat me. It's happened a lot throughout my life. I try to be as good as I can to them, and despite everything I do, I'm forgotten. I'm used as a crutch, a fix, whatever you can think of. I'm a support. I like being there for people, but when I'm abandoned for no reason it really aggrivates me. I'm mistreated, taken for granted, and ignored. Left behind. All the time I took out trying to make someone feel better means nothing. Wasted my time and my breath. Wasted my life. I really don't know what I do wrong in these situations. People can be so full of crap. Lies. Acts. I'm really sincere when I need to be. When it counts. I'm aware that I act off the wall sometimes, but when I know I need to be serious, I'm there. Gee, why am I so angry all the time? Why am I always so grumpy? Why am I always sour? You try to help someone out, and they give their attention to someone else who doesn't do a thing or makes matters worse way more than they ever showed you. I'm a pretty sensitve guy. I get emotional every now and again. But if I really need to, I will turn off any feelings I have at all and just amplify my angry side. I'm sick of it all. And like it says in my AIM info- Kill me. Forget me. I am worth nothing.

I really wish I could start a new life somewhere else. I feel like a loner as it is. Not much left here for me. I'd cut off everyone who I don't want to associate with anymore. I'd start a whole new life. I'm tired of being pushed around, looked down on, misunderstood.

I've been really depressed and lonely for the last few days. I need someone. Now, what happened to Kels? I don't know myself. I don't know what I ever did to turn her off to me. A month or so ago, I was the love of her life. When she found out I was taking a trip up to NY, she seemed to get cold feet and turn away from me. I guess we were never going to have a real relationship and all those dreams of the future were just dreams. I'm sure she's 'moved on'. If it was my guess, it's a guy on the Spawn board. Mr. B? Well, the situation sucks. What happened and when!? I don't know what I did wrong. So I guess I should just stop dreaming, get real, and wait for someone locally.

Tonight is the Christmas party for work. I hope it's enjoyable. I feel guilty for not being able to bring a dish, tho. I'm a cook and I feed everyone else. Maybe this is my turn to get something back. I look forward to seeing some people. Some.

It keeps paining me with my lonely situation. Everyone I would be interested in is fucked up in some way. I think thats why I like Kels so much. She was really great. I felt like she was a lot like me. We got along great. But something happened as I said. There is one girl here who I think I could work with like that, but she's taken. It's not easy being me.

Hopefully people will understand why I'm so sore all the time. I'm well off with luxaries, but I'm not materialistic. What I care about most is my friendships and relationships. When those go to hell, what would you do? Be like every other braindead idiot and go to another one of your fake friends, or get pissed because you're running out of true friends and you don't know why. I know why, they change. They change to something I can't stand. Well, I won't become the thing I hate.

With all the relations, school, people, society and whatnot pissing you off, it should be understandable why you'd get a little ill tempered.

Am I better than the rest, or am I self centered? Am I seeing things clearly, or am I messed up? Am I grown up in a juvinille world, or am I a kid with homones controlling me? What does the future hold?

Gee, why am I so miserable?

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