Thursday, April 8th, 2004
Wanna go back to the Crazy Beaver?

What to say... I am working on bringing the Los Angeles Dodgeball Society to Syracuse. I should have the Syracuse chapter started in the next few weeks. Other than that, I've just been abusing prescription painkillers and wasting time.

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What?? A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

The ticket - $ 95.00
The look on his face - PRICELESS

Your daily dose of randomness. I don't know the first two, or the last one. The others are Pamela Anderson, and Erica. Email me to school me on who the others are.

More Barbie weirdness...
A car racing flash game

Some random weirdness... Have something that should go here? Email it to me...

Biz Markie was born 40 years ago today as Marcell Hall. You most likely know him from that song where he warbles "Oh baby you, you got what I need, but you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend" or his cover of Benny and The Jets on the Beastie Boys greatest hits album. Izzy Stradlin is best known as the rhythm guitarist for Guns n Roses back when they were good. Know Axl Rose is fat and crazy and they have a guy who wears a KFC bucket on his head. You know what they call him? Buckethead. Why? Because Axl Rose is a fucking moron. I'm still waiting for him to put out their new album, so it can suck, and the critics can ass rape him in the reviews. Jackass. Happy 42nd birthday Izzy. You're still cool. John Schneider was the coolest guy on TV when I  was growing up. Well maybe Tom Wopat was, but John was a close second. He was on Dukes of Hazzard. Now he plays Clark Kent's dad on Smallville. To those of us who were weaned on the subtle racism of Dukes however, he will always be Bo Duke. Or Luke Duke. I can never remember who's who. I think he's Bo though. That's a whole lotta rhymin! Anyway, Bo is 44 today.  Pablo Picasso died today way back in 1973. He was a painter, the guy who made cubism popular. One of the first modern painters to become a celebrity in his lifetime. The coolest thing I ever heard about him though was that he wrote checks for everything. Every bill he had, no matter how small, he would write a check for, because 90% of the time, the recipient wouldn't cash the check because his signature was worth more than the amount the check was for. The genius got everything free.

Patricia Arquette never really impressed me, until True Romance. Alabama is just such a great character, and she played it so well. I didn't mind her in Prayer for the Rollerboys, but I wasn't impressed. She is the best of the bunch though. Her sister irritates me, and her brother David makes me angry. The way he half stutters like a thick tongued fool just makes me want to bitch slap him. She's the best looking of the group as well, second place going to her drag queen brother Alexis, as a drag queen. So that says something about them. She used to be married to Nicholas Cage, the ass monkey good actor turned bad action star. Now she's married to Thomas Jane, the good actor turned ass monkey. He's the new Punisher. I hope he can do better than Dolph Lundgren. She's 36 today.

Robin Wright-Penn. She's 38 today. You know her as Jenny in Forest Gump, and Princess Buttercup in The Princess Bride. She's married to Sean Penn and they have a few kids together. She was a model before becoming an actress. The Princess Bride has to be one of the best movies of the 80's. Stop rhyming now I mean it! - Anybody want a peanut?

Kirsten Storms is someone I know nothing about. She's on a daytime soap opera. Days of Our Lives I guess. Her website says she played someone spicy. I knew a spicy girl once. Well, she wasn't spicy at first, but after I sautéed her in olive oil with jalapeño peppers over night, she was pretty spicy. Made me kinda gassy though.

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