Welcome
to my shattered mirror of poetry, dismal thoughts, rants and
misanthropic ravings.
Welcome to my
world.
A world of anger and resentment. A world where sarcasm helps you
get through your day and cynicism makes you wish you hadn't.
I feel contemptuous. I feel an angst driven acharnement burning
within. Commanding me to fight back. Against the stupid. The
dishonest. The self-righteous. The tyrannical authoritarianists.
Journey through the mind of a misanthrope.
Brace yourself, this is gonna suck. To celebrate
another day gone by with nothing to show, another week of work or
school, staring out the window, watching the lights change, the
world turn, and other people enjoying themselves, I decided not
to get mad about religion and all the sanctimonious bullshit,
dumping on things and the like. So I won't, congratulations, it's
not like anyone reads this shit anyway. It's been a good twelve
hours since that Adam and Eve deal, so you know I'm just bursting
with joi de vive with my sociality. I actually have such a lack
of any-fucking-thing to do. So I "MAY NOT" be cool, and
I "MAY NOT" be funny, and my clothes "MAY
NOT" fit me properly, and I "MAY NOT" smell good,
but this is all I have left. This-is-all-I-have-left. With every
last ounce of strength I have, I'm going to expose you to some of
the stupidest laws, no, - no wait, THE most wonderfully vacuous
wastes of logic that ever existed. People - politicians no less,
actually took the time to vote this shit through Congress. If I
contributed tax dollars to the system, I'd be feeling pretty
cheated. Granted, most of these were enacted back when the most
intelligence you were gonna find circulated around men walking
around Minnesota with ducks on their heads just to piss off the
feds. Most of these come from the States, the stupid fucks were
actually worse in the "olden" days, of course we had to
throw our two bit Sasquatch-protection laws, but hey we're
stupid, eh. These things are still laws though, that's what I
don't get. With a rueful shake of the head I declare, just a few
more reasons why society needs to be fucked, and fucked good,
hard never to be called back. Well, I guess I caved and decided
to bitch after all. At lesat it's not about religion this time. I
hate everything.
In the state of ARKANSAS it is illegal to pronounce their name
wrong. Arkansas. Jesus these people have less to do with their
time than I do. Also, after repeated complaints that people
weren't getting they's supper on time no more, men were forbidden
to beat their wives more than once a month. In Little Rock, after
a stern talking to, they made it illegal for the Arkansas river
to rise higher than the Main St. Bridge.
ALABAMANS can't drive their cars blindfolded. I would have liked
to be around when they gave up and said, "look it ain't
working, I'm taking this thing off."
You know I was just looking over how many laws there are, and I'm
not gonna have enough room, I'll have to expand this into two
sermons. Fuck, you could write a book about this stuff.
CALIFORNIANS are forbidden from preventing children jumping over
puddles, they are guaranteed sunshine though. Yup, it's a law for
the government to provide you with sunshine in California. No
wonder they're so cheery. Due to the tremendous swimming power of
whales, in contrast to the slow walking speed of man, the
government made them the only animal you could shoot from a
moving vehicle.
You may not drive a black car on Sunday, or mistreat a rat any
day, in Denver, COLORADO. 'Nuff said.
CONNETICUT is just fucked. You can't kiss your wife on a Sunday,
or WALK BACKWARDS after sunset. Apparently noon is the time they
try to encourage you to WALK BAVCKWARDS during. Idiots.
FLORIDA, justly, demands that you pay parking fees for your
elephants just as you would for your car.
IDAHO respectfully asks police officers approaching vehicles,
whose occupants are engaging in sex, to either honk, or flash
their lights and wait three minutes before approaching the car.
But if you are fishing from a Camel's back, they're gonna give
you the chair.
ILLINOIS could be a list of its own. It is illegal for anyone to
give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals
kept as pets. They also frown upon SPEAKING ENGLISH there in
ILLINOIS. You may also be arrested for vagrancy if you do not
have at least one dollar bill on your person. It is a felony
offense to eavesdrop on your own conversation??????
I bet you didn't know that in IOWA, one-armed Piano players are
required by law to perform for free. Or that horses are forbidden
from eating fire hydrants. Idiots. You're all idiots.
MAINE cut back on lethargy by making it illegal to have your
Christmas lights up after January 14.
MASSACHUSETTS has banned "Quakers" and
"Witches" from their state, as well as banning mourners
from eating more than 3 sandwiches at a wake.
In MICHIGAN it is required, by a law that they made, to pay you a
dime for every dead rat you bring into the Town office.
MINNESOTA of course has a law against entering their state with a
duck atop your head, or entering WISCONSIN with a chicken up
there.
The good-old, home-grown MONTANA hillbillys make sure you have a
chaperone wih you whenever there's a sheep in your truck.
Throwing a ball is also illegal within the state limits.
NEW JERSEY, yes NEW JERSEY has legalized frowning at Police
Officers, and slurping soup. I'm glad they took the time to make
sure their priorities were straightened out.
NEW HAMPSHIRE is the best though, and that's where I'll leave you
today. In NEW HAMPSHIRE
·You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep
time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
·You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a
gambling debt.
·It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
·On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking
up.
·If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter,
hauling away trash, building a bench for the park and many other
activities without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for
"maintaining the national forest without a permit."
I'm gonna leave you there to ponder your existence, and how
absolutely nothing can mean shit when you go to NEW HAMPSHIRE and
are legally obligated to stare at your genitals while relieving
yourself. Whenever I feel like it again, I'll post some more, and
yes those are all bona fide laws. I've got way too much free
time. I haven't forgotten Canada though, don't worry, the time
will come.
If you hate me, but like reading about the laws, go to Dumb Laws for more information about the stupid Americans.
If you’re nice, and want to give me a reason to live,
however, you'll wait for me to post more. I "MAY NOT"
smell nice or anything, but I did give you God to blame for all
of your problems. I'll give you more next week sometime, but only
if you me. You know how people like to get letters in the mail,
how exciting it is? Just think about. Then go kill some puppies.
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©2001 Ed Tortured creations
