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"the joy that you found here...you borrrrrrrrowwwwed!..."
we had such a peaceful, relaxing art party at dibs' apartment on friday. cecily & dashan & bernard & toby & abby & crystal & angela. abby wanted us to make something with a "theme," and so we made a mini "universe," which ended up just being a collage of whatever we drew. i did cartoons of mostly everyone, which is the first time i've drawn anyone other than me and sara in yearrrrrrrrrrrrs. the collage ended up looking really neat. it was a flowchart.

saturday i had my second seder of the season -- met lots of cool distant relatives-in-law. it was my first family occasion without my parents or my brother, and so i felt really independent and adult-like. so everything felt really smooth. the wine didn't hurt either.

and last night i did the encore of assholes speak louder than words. i had some new bits. i have no idea how it went. parts felt really good. other parts felt really awkward. justin & lacey shouted nice things throughout my set, which kept my morale superhigh. none of this, however, is as interesting as the OTHER acts. lacey did a fake audition for "raisin in the sun: the musical." she handed out her "resume" to the audience, which was a series of stock "ethnic" musical theater roles. under "special skills" she put things like "boiling water," "loving music," and "picks cotton really fast." justin kept screaming, "we're gonna get arrested!" she ended with this RANDOM song from follies. i can't even explain how fresh and interesting it was. the next girl, laura stinger....now i REALLY can't explain what she did. at all. but i almost farted with joy. and the last act, rachel shukert, did an "STD Ballet." it was hilarious and fascinating. especially when she put on some sappy lovesong from the 70s and sat there while "thinking about everyone she ever had sex with." she just sat there in silence, looking contemplative. as with all good performance art, i CANNOT PROPERLY DESCRIBE any of the grace or power i experienced last night. it was humbling though, and i'm inspired to make my own work better.

after the c.o.b. show on april 24th, i don't have anything scheduled until JULY. thank god. i need some time to work out new material and replenish my performance glands.

have you READ that recently-declassified white house briefing from august 2001, where it was like, "bin laden is going to attack inside the u.s."? you should. it's surreal. and enfuriating.

how to balance anything...
xoxo
d

funshine bear
yesterday, in a crowded N train, a small girl noticed my care bears umbrella. she was completely awestruck. her mother noticed, and said, "yeah, it's a care bears umbrella." the girl was like, "maybe he has a daughter." and the mother was like, "or maybe he just likes care bears." i smiled so big, my mouth almost snapped off my face. the girl just stared at the umbrella, and then at me, and then at the umbrella, and her mother laughed and was like, "it just throws off your whole gender typing thing, doesn't it!" and the girl was just totally flabberghasted. finally she was like, "but it's a girl's umbrella." and the mother was like, "boys like care bears too." and the girl was like, "okay."

i was so overjoyed to have facillitated such a profound learning experience.

care bear stare!!!
xoxo
dan

you can shave me flowers, and i'll shave you a smile
last night, yoko yelled at me for not updating this journal. many apologies! it's been a busy weekend.

friday:
katherine came up from philly to help me prepare my big seder! even though passover didn't start till monday, we had a seder on sunday, cuz my family was going to be in town anyway. it's the first seder i've ever hosted, so i was going nuts to make sure everything worked out. katherine and i got up super early and went shopping for every vegetable known to man. the plan was to have a totally organic, vegetarian seder, to the HORROR of my family. my grandma was like "that's okay, i'll get mcdonalds afterwards." anyway, we got all sorts of lotus roots and burdock and different colors of chard, and carted it all home for a BRIEF afternoon nap. then we made as much matzoh ball soup as possible before we had to zoom downtown for...

the cheese on bread show! sara and matt and kevin got caught in traffic on the way up from philly, and arrived at sidewalk like 2 minutes before we had to go on. i got to catch a bit of steve espinola's set, and it was fantastic. his lyrics are perfect, and his delivery just makes me want to sit down and take deep breaths. anyway, it was a miracle that we got all our shit together on stage, with no rehearsal, and bumbled our way through a rowdy 30 minute set. katherine came up on stage with us the whole time, in my tutu, and held the instruments that no one was playing. apparently she played a bit of banjo, but mostly she just danced around. which means that the full band was SIX MEMBERS, which is the biggest cheese on bread ever. it's starting to feel like huggabroomstik. especially since dibs is there. anyway, the crowd was really nice and supportive, and through the glare i could see smiles from lach, amy hills, nan, and many more! kevin played rockin piano on how long have you been haitian, and matt reached around to sara's keyboard to play the digital horn section he wrote for the album version. that song would have been the highlight of the set, if it wasn't for soce's always intense gucci model guest appearance. the rest of the band surprised me by playing their instruments during the song, which sounded amazing! kevin was doing crazy piano stuff (while standing on the bench), and dibs played noise guitar a la the now-infamous prurient.

i felt a big post-show glow, since we played for so many strangers, and they were all so nice and smiley. there were so many people i wanted to talk to, so i had to miss a lot of randi russo, barry bliss, and mister lee, though i managed to catch all of steve shiffman's set, which i really liked. it's been a while since i saw really unpretentious, stripped-down male rock n' roll.

the highlight of the entire night, however, was DOUBLE DEUCE, my favorite band in the world. their songs are perfect. their aesthetic is flawless. their dynamic is a joy to watch. they played my favorites, "whatcha gonna do when francis dances for you," "taboo," and "flo ho." and they stood up for once, which was exciting.

when all was over, katherine, cecily and i ran over an avenue to see alan's 1920s band for a few JOYOUS minutes before i had to scurry to phoebe's house to sleep for a few hours.

saturday:
at 6am, i made my way to port authority for a bustrip to fairlawn, new jersey, where someone in my family was having a bar mitzvah. it's probably best to keep all family affairs out of this journal, but i will GLADLY, PUBLICLY say that i found the rabbi's behavior appalling. the first thing out of his mouth, rather than "hello," or "shabbat shalom," was "THERE WILL BE NO CROSS-CONVERSATION," followed by a series of other rules and regulations. whatever, man. if god exists, then god doesn't need you bossing around my great aunt esther. we all have enough tsuris without this papal rabbi yelling at us. he even interrputed another speaker to chastize some people who were standing by the door. he ordered them to leave, and then told the ushers to lock the doors behind them. it was positively germanic.

anyway, the reception was actually really great! wait...i said i should keep family stuff private, and i will -- even the good stuff.

we left the bar mitzvah and drove to another part of new jersey to the OTHER side of the family, where my mom's mom was having a birthday party. i like her. i also like my baby cousin, who was just obscenely adorable. didn't i just say i wouldn't talk about family stuff here? oh whatever. cute babies are cute babies.

(by the way, i'm really sorry if this entry reaks of "AND THEN I DID THIS, and it was SOOOOO INTERESTING!" i know i'm babbling, but i wouldn't want to deprive yoko of reading material!)

anyway, my dad and i ducked out early so he could drive me to the train station. i got back to my apartment by 11pm, just in time to catch a few hours of sleep before the...

MARATHON EARLY-MORNING SEDER PREPARATIONS!!!

sunday:
oy. so many vegetables. so many pots and pans. so much tension in my developing crows-feet. long story short, everything turned out great. the food was incredible, if i do say so myself. katherine oversaw the whole operation with unfathomable grace. my mom and grandma ACTUALLY LIKED THE VEGETARIAN MATZOH BALL SOUP! i don't think any of my goyishe friends (cesar, cecily, dibs, and katherine) had ever been to a seder before, and i'm pretty sure it made an impression.

i love my family's haggadah. it's a cut-n-paste collage of the old 70s freedom seder and this new progressive haggadah written by a lesbian rabbi. it's mostly a dialectic about peace and violence. we talk about martin luther king much more than moses, who is barely mentioned at all. i always end up crying, though i don't think anyone noticed.

the original plan was to leave straight from the seder to see deb do index to idioms in teaneck, but by the time we had dessert there was just no way. so my family drove on home to maryland, cecily went to work, and the rest of us sorta bummed around for a while, everyone eventually going off on their own, while i went to see a nice little set by crayon rosary somewhere in midtown.

i went to sleep exhausted, haggard, frantic, and plagued by thoughts of all sorts of things i won't mention in this journal.

monday:
monday night was a rather delightful antihoot with chris mancini, who i haven't seen in aaaages. me and dibs & sara sang impromptu backup for lach on the lounge version of teenage alcoholic. i did the passover bit from assholes speak louder than words, and chris did my favorite chris mancini tune, porkchops & applesauce. WHEN oh WHEN will sidewalk book that boy a show!

anyway anyway anyway. i've listened to a lot of air america radio, and most of it is really exciting, though it'd be nice if there were fewer white people. it's really fascinating listening to randi rhodes. her whole personality is really interesting. i don't know if i quite understand her yet, but i look forward to hearing mroe.

meanwhile, the war in iraq is starting to look like a real war again.

i don't know how to continue that paragraph.

i don't know how to continue this entry at all.

oy.
xoxo
d

someone has blundered
i keep getting stuck in these bizarre situations where people completely misinterpret what i say or do, and start assuming i'm mean or disrespectful. i've been called "annoying" like three times over the past week, in different contexts.

when people talk to me, i usually give them the benefit of the doubt. i always assume that people have good intentions, and when someone annoys me, i usually acknowledge to myself that they're not being malicious or anything. my ONLY exception is when people say things that are homophobic, misogynist, or racist, because a lot of times they don't even realize what they're doing, and they need to be called out. for everything else though -- why stir up more negative energy when you can just take a deep breath and let it slide off? i keep encountering all these people who have a completely different philosophy -- people who don't realize that spite just creates more spite.

at first i thought it was hurting my feelings, but now i realize that i just feel sorry for these people. i can't imagine living my life that way, and it's awkward when people are tempting me to yell at them or get into fights. and it IS tempting. but in the end it's never worth it. that probably sounds really patronizing, but it's true.

anyway. on the bright side, i had a great time at bar matchless last night, where danny kelly has an open mic. it was a great vibe, since it was a MUCH smaller crowd, and everyone there was a musician, and most people were really quiet and respectful. i left kinda early, to get some sleep, but as i was walking to the bus stop, kimya came out of the bar and called out for me to come back. we talked about online journals and trannies. we'd never had a real conversation before and it made me feel really good. this is such a weird community, cuz there are so many people you feel connected to, but most of the time you just see them perform a lot and then say hi afterwards. it's nice when the more artificial intimacies start to flesh themselves out and become real. especially when those realities have really great smiles. that lady sure can grin.

also, every bus driver i've ever encountered on the B61 from brooklyn to queens has been SO FRIENDLY! friendly bus drivers make my day.

also, the leftist talk radio network started today! that's happy too!

and yoko is having her big knitting factory show tonite with casey and nan!

and this morning i had a really nice breakfast with cecily!

so there are things to smile about.

i was walking around washington square the other day, after something really upsetting happened...and i just couldn't stop smiling and giggling. it was a really beautiful day, and i was so happy to just walk around that area, with all those students running around, studying for tests and stuff. it made me realize that everything in my tiny, insignificant life will always be okay, because happiness is my default mode. i think i'm pretty lucky.

unlucky: 4 american contracters were shot and maimed in iraq today. a crowd of young boys and older men tore up the bodies and hung them from a bridge. i don't know how to reconcile that with ANYTHING i've written above this.

maybe i'm wrong about everything.
love
dan

you leave mucusy trails
i recorded three songs with dashan yesterday! it was really fun and relaxed. i want to throw together a really rough-sounding demo right now, and do a more polished solo album later. knowing that i wasn't making anything totally final really helped me enjoy it. we did "misery cake," "racist," and "mammal." usually, dashan's producing style is to not say anything, but on "mammal," he got kinda proactive, making suggestions and stuff. i think he was right on just about everything. it felt really decadent to get such good input. we'll do 3 more songs later, and slap on an old version of "g.i. joe song" i did with him and dibs, and i think i'll call that an EP.

how about: "Manlysound Demos: the Care-a-Lot Sessions"?

xoxo
dan

gas masks
weird show.
i realized something:
whenever i have a very specific idea of what a show will be like, i have an awful time, cuz it never ends up being like that. i had such high hopes about tonite. in fact the whole crowd was pretty skimpy, and i had expected a lot more. i dunno, the whole thing was just really awkward. huge thanks to casey and yoko and phoebe for being the supportive corner.

wish i had something upbeat or productive to say in this entry!!

ah - an idea: i think it's best that i don't do my solo songs too much at a time. i keep having these spurts with lots of shows. i need to spread it out more. i don't have another solo show scheduled at all. thank god. i need to get some more material -- slower material, less funny material. stuff i can actually breathe in, and not just slapsticky vaudeville.

goodnight.
love
dna

let's not get political
tonite is the big "kerry 2004 meetup." i'm a little worried that it'll be boring or awkward, but i really wanna do something. things are getting so dumb. PEOPLE are getting so dumb. margaret cho was on msnbc the other day, talking about the horrible new FCC actions, and when she said that it's a ploy from the Bush administration to rally their fundamentalist Christian base because they know that no one else will vote for them because he's been the worst president ever...the anchorman totally interrupted her and was like, "now margaret, why are you getting political?" and she was like, "it IS political!" and he was like, "but why do you have to be all 'he's the worst president ever?" and she's like "well he IS, but..." and then he was like "okay that's all the time we have," and they totally cut her off. when she's gone, he gives the camera this look like, "what a crazy bitch."

i was FUMING when i saw this. how STUPID could you possibly be to ask someone "not to get political" when talking about the FCC -- a POLITICAL body!! how can someone on the NEWS chastize someone for being politicized?!! nothing outrages me these days like dumbness, and it's everywhere. ENOUGH DUMB is what i say!

on the bright side, cheese on bread has scheduled our cd RE-release party in july, and so far we've gotten confirmations from soce the elemental wizard, schwervon, dream bitches, and dibs & sara!! it's gonna be such an awesome night, and then we're driving to philly the next day to open for GRAVY TRAIN!!!! (those four exclamation poins are part of their name) i love those guys. we gave them our demo last year and they emailed us about doing a show. at first i thought it was a joke. that band is so inspiring. i wrote the rap for "gucci model" when i was totally ensconced in their first EP. and i got re-excited about shooting the gucci model video after seeing their video for "ghost boobs."

i've been having some pretty lame get-bureaucracy-done nights at home lately. except like all of my work involves sitting at a computer, which is what i do all day at my job, so i always end up just doing yoga, watching the newshour, and going to sleep. tonite before the meetup i think i'm hanging out with phoebe and dibs and dashan, so that'll be a huge relief.

dude. so these 9/11 hearings, right? the whole commission is going on and on about why past administrations didn't do more to kill osama bin laden. and why they didn't find a reason to invade afghanistan sooner. but NO ONE is suggesting that the best way to fight terrorism is to ELIMINATE REASONS FOR PEOPLE TO BECOME TERRORISTS. no one mentions that people are more likely to become terrorists when a) they have no money or security, b) they see the U.S. as an aggressor, c) they sympathize with the plight of the palestinians but cannot see the humanity of the israelis because no one gives them a reason to trust western powers....anyway blah blah. the point is that the very TERMS OF THE DEBATE seem to have shifted entirely to a violent rightist framework of war and destruction, not constructive or progressive healing. and the more we ONLY use the language of war, the harder it will be for future generations to even CONCEIVE of a humanistic, peaceful diplomatic strategy.

anyway. i miss having a weekly column. it's really useful to force yourself to make your political opinions coherent and orderly. and that's something i definitely HAVEN'T been doing in this journal. oh well.

see you friday at 11pm at sidewalk!!!
xoxo
dan

motel 6 was made for us
FRIDAY: me and dibs bussed ourselves down to philadelphia. as neurotic new yorkers, we're always alarmed at how relaxed things are in west philly. nothing seems terribly urgent. no one seems terribly rushed. everything was mild and gorgeous. we met up with katherine to go see a performance artist downtown. this performance artist will go unnamed. i had a lot of fun during her show, and afterwards she was going to sign books next to the stage, so i went over to say hi. there were like 5 people in line behind me, tops, and i was the second person in line. so i said, "i just wanted to let you know that whenever i'm feeling uninspired, i watch your videos at the nyu library"....and she just sort of opened her mouth real wide and said, "oh! well i can't really have a conversation, cuz i have a lot of people to get through, and we have to do another show tonite." ...it was really jarring. i wasn't really trying to have a conversation with her -- i just wanted to say something nice to her. i felt really unsettled all night long. so much of this woman's work is about the importance of artists, and how much artists need to support each other, and yet i walked away from her show feeling totally belittled and most definitely un-supported. i know i'm probably overreacting. i know she can't have meaningful conversations with everyone who gets an autograph from her. but i wasn't even trying to do that. i dunno. blah blah blah. i should know by now never to say hi to my heros.

SATURDAY: things picked up! i spent all day with sara and matt and dibs and kevin, rehearsing for our Dan Fishback Band show that night. they're all such great musicians. i don't think kevin had ever heard those songs before, and yet he caught on really fast. we took a lunch break at katherine's place, where she made us all these delicious steamed vegetables. this week, dibs and i are going to crate and barrel to get the bamboo steamer she used. i'm obsessed. anyway, sara matthews showed up in the late afternoon to join the band as a backup singer, and soon enough, cesar had arrived, and we were driving all our gear to writers house. it feels so good to play in that space. i had been fantasizing about doing a big return-to-penn show for such a long time, even before i graduated. i remember being a freshman in my dorm, dreaming about one day being able to write songs, and one day having a band, and one day performing right across the street at writers house. wish-fulfillment had never gone so well! the room was packed, and the energy was so positive! cesar played a great opening set, and everyone was really into it. blake martin and his friend mike made flirty gay noises in-between his songs, and i was very proud. our own set was so much fun. the band sounded great, and the audience was really spunky and attentive. i had a little two-song solo interlude in the middle of the set, which was another fantasy i've had, ever since i saw my first tori amos band show, back when she was writing good albums, and she had "secret time" in the middle of her big rock concerts. it felt so intimate and warm. i played "if i was you," a very slow and tinkly song that i like NEVER do, cuz i'm always worried people will get bored. but when i opened my eyes at the end, i saw everyone staring at me, and one woman was nodding pensively. it was just perfect. the band came back to jam while i did my new "gay marriage affirmative action" monologue from boi with an i. katherine and some other people stood up to cheer at the end of that bit, and i almost peed my pants. at the end of the show, the crowd cheered for an encore, which i don't think has ever happened during a non-cheese on bread show before. i did "silent tea" -- a song i always thought would be my big hit, but usually doesn't get a very good response. but people seemed to really get into it. i know this sounds like bragging, but i mostly just wanted to express my gratitude for the outrageously gorgeous and sparkley audience for which i had the honor to play. they were so nice afterwards too. one boy told me he felt "challenged to be a better person," and i had to fight back tears. ...that night, we came back to sara's house for a slow-dancing party in her living room, where they stuffed huge tree branches and christmas lights in the ceiling and walls. i got to dance with steven and joshua and shevaun and sara matthews. it was all just gorgeous and misty. we played a mix cd i made, with michael leviton and regina spektor and even a hot lippe track. it was the perfect end to a cosmicly beautiful day.

SUNDAY: cesar and i had to go to pep boys to get his break pads fixed. the guy behind the counter had this amazingly powerful presence. his name was clarence and he had one arm. at one point, his wife or someone called on his cellphone and he was like, "i don't want broccoli tonight, i'm sick of broccoli." and he kept trying to get off the phone, but he couldn't, so finally he was like, "hey, you know what? i got something to tell you!" and he hung up the phone. it was hilarious, though i'm glad i'm not his wife. anyway, we said goodbye to everyone and took off on I-95 for maryland, with a stack of sweet mix cds. highlights:

"hey ya" -- yoko kikuchi and dream bitches
"be mine" -- soce the elemental wizard
"baobabs" -- regina spektor
"she used to be cool" -- prewar yardsale
"she's losing it" -- belle and sebastian
"diaryland" -- dibs

when we got to my parents' house, cesar thought his back breakpads weren't working, so he touched them and nearly burnt his fingers off. he spent dinner with his hand in a bowl of ice and his brain in world of misery. we played that night at renzo's in silver spring. it was a really friendly place! when we came in, there were all these people watching the el salvadorian election on telemundo. they all seemed very opinionated. my whole family came to the show, including my grandma, who thought cesar played too loud, and said so. (the funny part is that she was also too loud.) my high school english teacher mrs. wilchek came too! she's the coolest. she saves lives. cesar and i both kept breaking strings. it felt very slapstick. i was expecting a really awkward show, but i think it went really well! cesar's friends stayed to hear me play, and they were all really responsive and nice. i saw the owner of the bar laughing good-naturedly during my songs, which was a big relief. i never know how straight bar audiences will react to songs as gay as mine. but this time i didn't have to worry. cesar and i got home late and ate ice cream and watched chappelle's show on cable.

MONDAY: we got to new york in time for the anti-hoot at sidewalk. it was a really fun night, with my favorite people all around. jason trachtenberg of the trachtenberg family slideshow players came up to me after i played, and we talked about performance and stage presence and irony and humor. he's hilarious and really smart. there was one person at sidewalk that night who i kept wanting to say hi to, but i was shy and embarassed, cuz i went to a few of her shows before i ever moved to nyc, and i would say hi to her afterwards, and i think i was always really over-bearing, and i would always hit myself on the head afterwards, paranoid that i made her uncomfortable. she probably doesn't even remember me, but i'm just scared i'll say something dumb, especially after my bad experience with the aforementioned unnamed performance artist. anyway. i'll figure something out. i think she's one of the most important songwriters ever (sounds like a hyperbole, but it isn't).

TODAY: i gotta get a lot of work done this week. cesar and i are playing at sidewalk on friday, and i have to send out a bunch of grant applications by then. can anyone help me make copies of a vhs tape? lemme know daddio! dan@cheeseonbread.com

anyway. back to productivity.
what a crazy and ridiculous life.
i can't believe it's mine.
xoxo
love
dan

ps: i cannot believe the israeli government assassinated the leader of hamas. i don't care how much he deserved to die -- it's just going to cause so much MORE violence, and embolden so many MORE potential suicide bombers, and make the whole mess so much harder to fix. oy!

A-S-A-P, my L-O-V-E....
so i registered as a kerry volunteer, but it didn't look like such a big commitment. i need to find some other way to be politically productive. hm...

anyway, had a great time at the antihoot last night with yoko. i tricked her into playing a bunch of her songs for me in the basement. she's such a good songwriter, and her voice and performance style suits her songs so perfectly. it's unreal. it's funny though, cuz she doesn't really talk about her music as though it's as good as it really is. yoko and casey holford are two people who don't seem to realize how brilliant they are at what they do. well maybe they do, but they're so modest about it that you'd never know. i can't believe i know these people. jesus.

yesterday i played guitar in central park. i stood on top of a big hill, and none of the people at the bottom of the hill would look at me, cuz the blaring sun was behind me. so i felt like i was invisible. it was so warm. the buildings and trees looked so utopic.

and today it's snowing.

SNOWING.

even the weather is getting all post-modern on our asses. that's ridiculous. anyway.

love
dan