it is january 29th, and i have officially been 18 for a month. how sick. this like like a cruel joke. okay i guess its not, i just like being a little melodramatic sometimes. so life has been good recently, except for school, which should be over right now. the graham was sick today, and a little something was missing from govt and photo. but i was sure to mention "gary asian" for him. i dropped ms witham's class today and i am officially in two classes with guarenteed hotness- murawski and another class with murmann. awesome. so i went to a hockey game with emily sheppy and imee ona and man we had some good times. they are amusing girls. it was nice to gossip and have girl talk, which i never have. oh that imee ona. and then i got home and called jon and he was sleeping. how cute. hehe. anyways, in conclusion, i am quite happy, in love, in top 25, out of withams class, and without any profound things to say.
somehow, it is 12:39 on january 22nd and i have not really realized it. while studying for bio, which was interesting until i hit cell division, i realized that i was supposed to look for math bucks and PODs, sadly i have only 21 so i assume im missing some. or maybe i assume im an idiot. so while frantically searching, i came across all these things that i had forgotten about that i had kept as a rememberance of the good times i once had had. every corsage i had ever gotten, every note that meant something to me, pictures, and mementos from the places ive been. i closed my book in the middle of meiosis and started opening the random boxes i had. i read the notes i had kept, wondering what i had written back, and if i was sincere. and if they ever kept the notes i wrote them, and then read them later. lost love letters and promises of friendships on pieces of paper that are given away and soon forgotten. is that what happens? sometime no longer true in my mind, but only true on a piece of paper. and isnt it sad? letters, to me, show the entropy of relationships. things i once felt, once promised are now only in my letters and their letters, in a handwriting which only betrays our age and naivete. (pardon the lack of accents on naivete) events that i hardly believe happened once, with people i no longer talk to. but what im feeling now, in my own life, is so real that it compels me to write more letters. the saddest part is that its only real until you dont want it to be anymore. then it is easy to reread and scoff. and isnt it all temporary? to think about where we were then and who we were and then look at where we all are now. some people are no longer worth my time and affections, but there are friends that i have left who have changed me in immeasurable ways. and i do care about them, on a very basic level. i care that they are happy or that they are safe and that their future only holds good things for them. but i wonder if they ever think about me, and the good times we had. and isnt is amazing? i sat for an hour, looking through pieces of paper and small trinkets, as dust allergies quickly compounded. looking into my past, i was all at once touched and ashamed by the level of emotion once sustained by a 15 year old and the angst experienced as a 16 year old. and isnt it shocking? to see the changes? as someone who once snubbed poetry, this year i find myself enjoying the explications we had to do and mysteriously writing a poem myself, last night, at two in the morning. maybe one day i will change enough to share it with you without fear, but maybe i secretly want you to read it because your opinions are so important to me. i was looking through my school pictures and in my mind, we all still look the same but on paper, its incredible. think about your best friend freshman year and what worried you and what you wanted to achieve...and then, this is the best part, think of who you went to dances with, if you went at all... who were you in "love" with? and did you learn to true meaning of love in high school? remember when senior year was close to an eternity away and now we're halfway through it? remember junior year when you had plenty of time for college apps and then flash to fall, senior year, when you realized you had no time left? did you ever think that you would be sure about your future when you became a senior? in the middle of this i wanted to cry from sheer heartbreak but at the end i wanted to smile because well...to use a cliched phrase...because it happened. so think of this, to amuse you, i was sitting in my room, with my back against the wall, just smiling in the middle of the clutter known as the last 4 years of my existance. and now i can get together under the false premise of a study group with my friends and instead spend the night talking about anything at all...and i love it. there are depths to everyone that i had never seen before. but one day, before we graduate, im going to take the notes that are buried in my past with no ties to my future, and im going to say goodbye and burn them. what a way to start the rest of my life.
i dont know why you say goodbye, i say hello, hello, hello.
and so you see i have come to doubt all that i once held as true, i stand alone without beliefs; the only truth I know is you. [simon&garfunkle]
