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Free Coffee

FREECOFFEE Well this is the shooting draft of Free Coffee. That was the original name. There are many differences between this script and what ended up on screen. The opening was scrapped not because I didn't like it but because it just slowed down the story. You can email me if you click on my name. I'll take any comments. I felt like my own butcher when it came to editing this video. There's some funny stuff that just didn't make it. Some was actor's schedules but the majority was money and time. Anyway I hope you enjoy Cafe Surrey!

You might find a wierd looking o with a squiggle above it. for some reason it did that to all my apostrophies. I think I got them but maybe not.
Cafe Surrey Written by
Trevor Cameron's mail
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            BLACK

                                NARRATOR
                      As long as I could remember I've wanted
                      to make people laugh.

            FADE IN:

            MONTAGE 

            CITY OF SURREY STREET SIGN

                                NARRATOR
                      I've grown up in Surrey. It's located on
                      the west coast of Canada near Vancouver.
                      Surrey is the ugly stepchild of
                      Vancouver. The butt of Vancouver's jokes
                      and the place, if caught dead in would
                      ruin the best of reputations.

            Parts of Surrey without sound. People walking and landmarks.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      Surrey is a sad funny mix of Poor and
                      working class Shmoes. A lot of the worst
                      stereotypes about Surrey are true. Drug
                      addicts do shoot up next to the Youth
                      Centre. Strung out hookers give sloppy
                      blow jobs outside of the employment
                      office. It seems like everyone over forty
                      drives a truck and anyone under forty
                      drives a Monte Carlo or a Trans-Am. You
                      can get in a race war, no matter which
                      race you belong to, just by going for a
                      walk. Guys still walk around with mullets
                      and Led Zeppelin shirts. Wanna be
                      Gangstas are everywhere wearing their
                      colour du jour. Yes even the police come
                      late just to tell you they can't do
                      anything.

            More shots of street people and following the voice over.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      But for all the negatives it has some
                      gems. Surrey street people havenÕt been
                      hardened by years of abandonment and can
                      be genuinely entertaining. 

            A street person talks incessantly into the camera.

            Shots of bus stations and bland places.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      Maybe I hate this city. I've been cooped
                      up in this spread out prison for too
                      long. I hate the fact that there is a
                      fundimental lack of anything exciting and
                      an over abundance of everything bland. We
                      have way too many places to shop that are
                      the same every block. We have too many
                      places that you can do nothing, such as
                      forests, beaches, parks but no place to
                      just be artistic.

            Flash of all the starbucks coffee shops in rapid succession.
            like a machine gun. Then stop on the Java Joint exterior.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      There used to be though... Once upon a
                      time there used to be an independent
                      coffee shop that stayed open twenty-four
                      seven in the worst part of Surrey. It's
                      name, the Java joint. It attracted punks,
                      losers, Christians, Druggies, hippies, 
                      and girls who smelled like rotted fruit.
                      Anyone and everyone. There was even a
                      night for people like me. Assholes with
                      too much time on their hands. Or as we
                      called it. Improv Night starring
                      Asslicious, the comedy troupe.

            INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT

            Four men are on stage surrounded by a small audience. They
            are finishing off a very off colour Improv scene. The
            audience applauds.

                                                          FADE TO BLACK.

                                NARRATOR
                      It started simply enough. After our show
                      we had a coffee.

            INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT

            The same four guys sit around a table drinking coffee. 

                                IAN
                      Well that sucked ass.

            Ed takes a drink of his coffee. His eyes bulge. The screen
            freezes.

                                NARRATOR
                      By the way that's me, and this is what
                      happened.

            Ed spits his coffee back into the cup.

                                ED
                      Fuck!

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      I hate flavoured coffee. If you want
                      Irish Creme drink Irish Creme but donÕt
                      pollute my coffee.

            Ed turns to the counter. The coffee pot says dark. 

            Ed gets up and stalks to the counter. 

            BUG, a young kid with blue hair, leans against the cash
            register. He stares vacantly out into the ether. Ed walks
            into his eye line. Ed rips off the Velcro title of the coffee
            pot and starts arguing.

            A lone tear appears on Bug's face. He runs out of the shop.
            Ed stares in disbelief.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      I guess the kid took it the wrong way.
                      Apparently you shouldn't piss off someone
                      paid in sandwiches.

            Ed still waits but Bug doesn't come back.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      I canÕt have my favorite coffee shop
                      closing because they do a little thing
                      like have no staff. Work one night?
                      What's the worst that could happen?

            TITLE CARD

            'Free Coffee' credits with music.

            INT. JAVA JOINT - NIGHT

            Ed stands behind the counter searching while he talks into
            the phone.

                                ED
                      I don't know why he left. Yeah I'm
                      standing right here. No he's not having a
                      smoke. You have to pay your staff because
                      I'm not going-

            A nice looking girl, NATALIE, walks to the counter. Ed is
            interested.

                                NARRATOR
                      Road block.

            The screen freezes on Natalie. The SOUND OF A BELL. A graphic
            on the bottom of the screen reads: 'Ed's Typecis'. The screen
            begins again.

                                ED (CONT'D)
                      I'm not going to see you till eight am.
                      Goodnight!

            Ed hangs up.

                                NATALIE
                      Can I get a large coffee?

                                ED
                      Of course you can.

            A bell rings.

                                GEORGE (V.O.)
                          (thick British accent)
                      Well what have we here!

            Ed winces.

                                ED
                      Hey what's your name?

                                NATALIE
                      Natalie

                                ED
                      You don't mind swearing do you?

                                NATALIE
                      Why?

            George rounds the corner. The scene freezes.He is thin and
            old with bad hair and worse teeth. BELL SOUND and the graphic
            comes up, 'Ultimativus Crazyus old manus' The scene starts
            again.

            He points a finger at Ed.

            Ed waves Natalie's attempt at paying.

            George stagger-walks to the counter.

                                NARRATOR
                      You want to see what would of happened to
                      Mick Jagger if he never sang?

                                GEORGE
                      I will fuckin' destroy you!

                                ED
                      Yeah, yeah, yeah - destroy, destroy. Look
                      George I'll give you a coffee for free if
                      you take a walk.

            George assaults Natalie with his eyes. Ed puts a coffee on
            the counter.

                                GEORGE
                          (to Natalie)
                      Can I see your pussy?

            Natalie gags on his breath and covers her mouth backing away.
            George smiles.

                                ED
                      Why are you such an asshole?

                                GEORGE
                      CUZ I OWN THIS FUCKING TOWN!

            George snatches the coffee off the table and takes a drink.
            He backs up to the hallway leading to the door smiling at Ed
            and doing a little dance. His finger points like a gun. 

                                GEORGE (CONT'D)
                      Thanks you bastard!

            The bell rings on the door. George spins around and looks at
            the door. He walks off screen.

                                GEORGE (CONT'D) (V.O.)
                      I'll fucking destroy you too!

            A solid punch sound is heard. Coffee spills down the hallway
            back into frame.

                                GUY #1 (V.O.)
                      Clean up isle one.

            Laughter from the obscured hallway. Two guys round the
            hallway. One is a younger leader. The other is EARL who's
            older and a little more disheveled. The scene freezes.

            A graphic comes up. 'pairus drunkis'

                                NARRATOR
                      Whenever two alcoholics walk in Surrey
                      you can bet one is crazy. Don't ask why
                      but see if you can pick him or her out. 

            They come to the counter.

                                GUY #1 (CONT'D)
                      You got beer?

                                ED
                      Nope. I'll pour you two a coffee though.

                                GUY #1
                      Hey Earl, you want coffee?

            Ed pours two coffees.

                                ED
                      It's on me tonight.

            Guy #1 grabs a coffee. Earl walks to his coffee and stares at
            it for a long time.

                                EARL
                          (muttering)
                      You're a good kid. 

                                ED
                      Thanks.

            Earl doesn't move. 

                                EARL
                      Quitting smoking huh?

            Ed looks at his hand.

                                ED
                      Yeah I guess so.

                                EARL
                      Your old lady huh?

                                ED
                      Nope.

                                EARL
                      That woman cares.

            Ed shoots a confused looks at Earl.

                                NARRATOR
                      I believe we have a winner.

                                ED
                      Yep. Guess so.

                                EARL
                      They're everywhere you know.

                                ED
                      Who?

                                EARL
                      Angels! Know why?

                                ED
                      Nope.

                                EARL
                      Viruses. They'll steal yer spirit. Their
                      in the air. It's everywhere.

                                NARRATOR
                          (woody woodpecker laugh)
                      Ha ha ha haaa ha

                                ED
                      Viruses?

                                EARL
                      The government is pumping it out to bring
                      us down... You ever had chicken pox?

                                NARRATOR
                          (woody woodpecker laugh)
                      Ha ha ha haaa ha

                                ED
                      Yeah.

                                EARL
                      Good. Cause if you ever had chicken pox
                      then nobody can ever break your heart.

                                NARRATOR
                          (woody woodpecker finish)
                      Ha ha ha haaaaaa!

                                ED
                      Okay.

                                EARL
                      I'd tell you more but they're everywhere.

                                ED
                      Angels

                                EARL
                      Agents. Secret Agents.

                                ED
                      Oh.

                                EARL
                      I've probably said too much.

            Earl doesn't move.

                                ED
                      Enjoy your coffee. It's free.

                                EARL
                      Can I bum a couple smokes?

                                ED
                      Yeah of course.

            Ed pulls three out of his pack and hands them over.

                                EARL
                      Angels are everywhere.

            Earls staggers over to where his friend is sitting.

            MONTAGE

            - a bucket of water is filled

            - cleaner is pulled off the shelf

            - a mop is grabbed

            BACK TO SCENE.

            Ed is mopping up spilled coffee. 

                                NARRATOR
                      Why am I doing this again?

            He steals looks at the Natalie who is stealing looks back at
            him. He walks back to the counter with his cleaning stuff.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      Oh yeah. Pretending to work graveyard
                      shift in Whalley in a feeble attempt to
                      get laid.

            TITLE CARD

            3 AM

            INT. JAVA JOINT - NIGHT

            The bell rings.

            A young man enters. He is dressed all in black and is wearing
            make up. The scene freezes. 

            Graphic comes up 'gothus loseri'

                                NARRATOR
                      Welcome to the guy who got beat up a lot
                      in high school.

            He walks to the counter but he seems to glide across the room
            to the tired looking Ed.

            Ed pours a coffee as the GOTH comes to the counter and places
            it in front of him.

            The Goth hisses and shows off large vampire fangs. One tooth
            falls off in mid hiss and tumbles to the counter.

            The Goth covers his mouth and grabs the tooth.

            Ed pushes the coffee to him. 

            The vampire walks showing an androgenous MYSTIC standing
            behind him. Ed flinches. 

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      Jesus!

            The screen freezes on the Mystic. The graphic reads 'futuro
            carny'

                                MYSTIC
                      You work in an earth based occupation
                      don't you?

                                ED
                      Who doesn't?

            The Mystic spreads the tarot cards on the counter.

                                MYSTIC
                      It's all in the cards.

                                ED
                      I have a question.

                                MYSTIC
                      Let me set the cards.

                                ED
                      I donÕt think you need the cards.

                                MYSTIC
                      I always need the cards.

                                ED
                      Well I've seen you around Whalley for a
                      couple of years and something has always
                      bothered me.

                                MYSTIC
                      Your future?

                                ED
                      No.
                          (quietly)
                      Are you a guy or a girl? I don't really
                      care either way but it's sort of bothered
                      me.

            The mystic's mouth drops open.

                                ED (CONT'D)
                      Sorry but- Let me get you another coffee.

            MONTAGE

            - Coffee pot empty

            - grinding coffee

            - filter with coffee

            -coffee brews

            BACK TO SCENE.

            The bell rings.

            A man who looks like a stereo-typical gansta PIMP walks in
            followed by a fat PROSTITUTE. The scene freezes and the
            graphic reads 'Stereotypis Gansteris & Dysfunctiono Whoritis'

                                NARRATOR
                      I got two words, Tough and times. Who do
                      I feel worse for?

            Pimp walks directly to the counter.

            The Pimp slaps a bank card on the table.

                                PIMP
                      Gimme twenty bucks man.

                                NARRATOR
                      I guess me.

                                ED
                      What?

                                PIMP
                      Twenty bucks. Run this through.

                                ED
                      I can't

                                PIMP
                      Shit. Just do it!

                                ED
                      I can't Sorry. Here have these on me.

            Ed pours two coffees and puts them on the counter. He looks
            up and the Pimp has pulled a knife.

                                PIMP
                      Run the card through or I run you
                      through.

                                ED
                      Holy shit! I can't man.

            The pimp leans menacingly over the counter.

                                PIMP
                      I said run it-

            Pimp looks around.

                                PIMP (CONT'D)
                      Where's the interact at?

                                ED
                      We don't have one!

            Long uncomfortable silence.

                                PIMP
                      Coffee's free?

            Ed nods. Pimp puts his knife away and grabs both coffees.

                                PIMP (CONT'D)
                      My bad.

            Pimp walks to a table with the Prostitute waddling behind. He
            sits.

                                PIMP (CONT'D)
                      Shit bitch. Go get you own coffee!

            The prostitute turns back to the counter.

                                PIMP (CONT'D)
                      Hey!

            She turns.

                                PIMP (CONT'D)
                      Gimme two sugars in each of mine.

            She comes back and get the coffees.

                                PIMP (CONT'D)
                      Hey. No sugar in yours though.

            Ed pours the coffee and reaches for his smokes. He lowers
            slowly behind the counter and fumbles with his smokes. He
            tries in vain to light on cigarette.

            The Pimp pops his head over. Ed flinches.

                                PIMP (CONT'D)
                      You ain't calling the cops are you?

                                ED
                      No.

                                PIMP
                      Cool man, You got vanilla?

                                ED
                      On the counter.

            Ed points off screen. The Pimp disappears from view.

            TITLE CARD

            4 AM

            INT. JAVA JOINT - NIGHT

            Ed is watching Natalie work on something. 

                                NARRATOR
                      Oh yeah baby. Where do you want me to put
                      it? Oh that's so dirty. Then where do you
                      want this thick-

            Ed shifts uncomfortably.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      Shit, I'm geting a hard on. I gotta think
                      flacid thoughts.

            The bell rings. Ed snaps out of it.

            A dirty looking man walks in and makes a beeline for the
            counter. Ed winces. The man is VINNIE. The scene freezes. 

            The graphic reads 'crazis crazis'. The scene unfreezes.

                                VINNIE
                      How are you. I'm really concerned how
                      youÕve been I've had a bad day. Bad says
                      are just for me cuz that son of a bitch
                      ripped me off they donÕt like me because
                      they think I'm not all upstairs you know
                      what I mean.

                                NARRATOR
                      That did it.

                                ED
                      Hey Vinnie have a coffee on me.

                                VINNIE
                      Coffee's good. Somebody said all you need
                      is love. You canÕt eat love. You can't
                      drink love. Can love take you to a movie?
                      All you need is blood. Blood I could
                      understand. At then it would make for
                      sense. How high can you count because I
                      have a friend.

                                NARRATOR
                      Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall.
                      Ninety nine bottles of beer. Take one
                      down pass it around. Ninety eight bottles
                      of beer on the wall. Ninety eight bottles
                      of beer. Take one down...

            TITLE CARD

            5:38 AM

            INT. JAVA JOINT - NIGHT

            The scene hasn't changed.

                                VINNIE
                      That's why I don't drive cuz driving -
                      what time is it?

                                NARRATOR
                      Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. shut
                      up. shut up.

                                ED
                      Eight AM.

                                VINNIE
                      I'm late!

            Vinnie runs out of the coffee shop. Ed looks down and the
            coffee that he poured is still there and very cold. He pours
            it down the sink. Looks up and the Pimp is standing up
            against the wall looking like a prostitute would. Ed is
            perplexed and rubs his eyes.

                                NARRATOR
                      What the... I gotta sleep.

            The bells rings.

            A clean cut YOUNG MAN walks confidently up to the counter.
            The screen freezes and the graphic reads 'Preppitis evillis'.

                                NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                      Something evil this way comes.

            The scene unfreezes.

                                ED
                      Coffee?

                                YOUNG MAN
                      Let me ask you a question.

                                ED
                      Can't you just have a free coffee?

                                YOUNG MAN
                      Have you ever thought about Satan?

                                ED
                      Look I don't need anymore Christian
                      pamphlets-

            Young Man laughs.

                                YOUNG MAN
                      Christian? I mean have you ever thought
                      about Satanism as a calling?

            Young Man hands Ed a Pamphlet. Its cover is a smiling devil.

                                YOUNG MAN (CONT'D)
                      IÕm trying to attract new followers to
                      join Lucifer's army.

            The bell rings.

            A manic bearded man dressed in rags runs in. We'll call him
            POTATO SACK. The scene freezes and graphic reads 'dirti
            dirteous' 

            The scene unfreezes.

                                POTATO SACK
                      Has anyone seen a young - You!

            Points at Young Man

                                YOUNG MAN
                      Oh shit.

                                NARRATOR
                      Surrey fight! Surrey fight!

                                POTATO SACK
                      Don't be lead down this garden path by
                      this abomination!

                                YOUNG MAN
                      Will you stop following me around. Do I
                      have to get a restraining order.

            They begin to yell at one another using bible quotes. Ed's
            face goes blank and pale.

                                ED
                      Okay! Both of you shut up!

                                YOUNG MAN
                      He started it.

                                POTATO SACK
                      Did not.

                                ED
                      You two have a lot to discuss. Take these
                      free coffees and sit over there by the
                      person with the tarot cards. If you can't
                      both talk then leave but otherwise shut
                      the fuck up!

            Everyone applauds and the two meekly get their coffee and
            move along. 

            Ed looks up and sees that the prostitute is standing up
            leaning against the wall like she was watching cars drive by.
            He rubs his eyes again.

                                NARRATOR
                      Deja vu.

            She walks over to Ed. Ed rubs his eyes again, but a little
            harder.

                                PROSTITUTE
                          (quietly)
                      You wanna hump? I'm clean. You did give
                      us coffee.

            Ed looks to the Pimp and he nods at him with a smile. Ed nods
            back.

                                ED
                      I would but my um-

                                NARRATOR
                      Balls just crawled into my belly. My dick
                      just committed suicide by jumping in my
                      shoe. My-

                                ED
                      Girlfriend is over there.

            Ed points to Natalie.

                                PROSTITUTE
                      You two serious?

                                ED
                      Oh yes.

            Ed takes a long sip of his coffee.

                                PROSTITUTE
                      Well I bet she can't-

            She whispers to Ed and he spits out some coffee choking.

                                ED
                      I bet she couldn't

            The prostitute turns and walk back to her seat.

                                PROSTITUTE
                      He said he couldn't because of his
                      girlfriend.

            The bell rings.

            A JUNKIE staggers to the pay-phone. He's going through some
            major withdrawals, it also looks like he has to go to the
            bathroom. 

            The scene freezes and a graphic comes up which reads 'Highus
            as a kiteis'

                                NARRATOR
                      This is the guy you avoid in Surrey.

            He puts a quarter in the phone and attempts to dial however
            he keeps stopping his dialing to double over or scratch. His
            quarter is promptly eaten. 

                                JUNKIE
                      Shit FUCK!

            Junkie staggers to the counter.

                                JUNKIE (CONT'D)
                      Excuse me, do you have a quarter I can
                      borrow?

                                ED
                      Um, sure. You want a coffee?

                                JUNKIE
                      Just a quarter.

            Ed opens the till. 

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