This is page 2. It's very silly because I chose to made this a Monty Python quote page. Beware.... ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Knights of Camelot: [singing] We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It's a busy life in Camelot [solo] Knights of Camelot: I have to push the pram a lot. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Black Knight: Have at you. King Arthur: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine. Black Knight: Oh, had enough eh? King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left. Black Knight: Yes I have. King Arthur: Look. Black Knight: Just a flesh wound. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch. King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off. Black Knight: No, it isn't. King Arthur: Well, what's that then? [pointing his sword toward the Knight's arm on the ground] Black Knight: I've had worse. King Arthur: You liar. Black Knight: C'mon you pansy. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there? King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England! 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one! King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse? King Arthur: Yes! 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts! King Arthur: What? 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through... 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts? King Arthur: We found them. 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical! King Arthur: What do you mean? 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land? 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried. 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut? King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk! 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here? 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? King Arthur: Please! 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ King Arthur: Old woman. Dennis: Man. King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? Dennis: I'm 37. King Arthur: What? Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old. King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man". Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis". King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis. Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you? King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked... Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior. King Arthur: Well I am king. Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ King Arthur: I am your king. Woman: Well I didn't vote for you. King Arthur: You don't vote for kings. Woman: Well how'd you become king then? [Angelic music plays... ] King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king. Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. Bridgekeeper: What... is your name? Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour? Sir Lancelot: Blue. Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go. Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Sir Robin: That's easy. Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. Bridgekeeper: What... is your name? Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria? [pause] Sir Robin: I don't know that. [he is thrown over the edge into the volcano] Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh. Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name? Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? Galahad: I seek the Grail. Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour? Galahad: Blue. No, yel... [he is also thrown over the edge] Galahad: auuuuuuuugh. Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name? King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons. Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow? Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that. [he is thrown over] Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh. Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows? King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ [the Black Knight continues to threaten Arthur despite getting both his arms and one of his legs cut off] Black Knight: Right, I'll do you for that! King Arthur: You'll what? Black Knight: Come here! King Arthur: What are you gonna do, bleed on me? Black Knight: I'm invincible! King Arthur: ...You're a loony. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Roger the Shrubber: Are you saying Ni to that old woman? King Arthur: Um, yes. Roger the Shrubber: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history. King Arthur: Did you say shrubberies? Roger the Shrubber: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni. Knight 2: NI. Other Knights: Shh... Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say..."Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ [Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch] King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work? Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege. King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments. Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one. Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu... Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother... Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Brother Maynard: Amen. All: Amen. King Arthur: Right. One... two... five. Galahad: Three, sir. King Arthur: Three. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ King Arthur: Can we come up and have a look? French Soldier: Of course not. You're English types. King Arthur: What are you then? French Soldier: I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king? Sir Galahad: What are you doing in England? French Soldier: Mind your own business. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us. Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches? Peasant 1: Burn them. Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches? Peasant 1: More witches. Peasant 2: Wood. Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn? Peasant 3: ...because they're made of... wood? Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood? Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her. Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone? Peasant 1: Oh yeah. Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water? Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond! Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water? Peasant 1: Bread. Peasant 2: Apples. Peasant 3: Very small rocks. Peasant 1: Cider. Peasant 2: Gravy. Peasant 3: Cherries. Peasant 1: Mud. Peasant 2: Churches. Peasant 3: Lead! Lead! King Arthur: A Duck. Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically... Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood. Sir Bedevere: And therefore... Peasant 2: ...A witch! ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ King Arthur: [about the inscription on the rock] What does it say, Brother Maynard? Brother Maynard: It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh..." King Arthur: What? Brother Maynard: "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh" Sir Bedevere: What is that? Brother Maynard: He must have died while carving it. King Arthur: Oh come on! Brother Maynard: Well, that's what it says. King Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it. Sir Galahad: Maybe he was dictating it. King Arthur: Oh shut up! Sir Robin: Well does it say anything else? Brother Maynard: No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh". [knights making groaning sounds] Sir Bedevere: Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'? Sir Galahad: Where's that? Sir Bedevere: France, I think. Sir Lancelot: Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall? King Arthur: No that's Saint "Ives". Sir Lancelot: Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"! [All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"] Sir Bedevere: Whooooouuuuaaa! Sir Lancelot: No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat. Sir Bedevere: No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm. Sir Lancelot: Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!" Sir Bedevere: Yes, that's it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
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