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04.12.09 20h50 When I realised that I was inhaling dust, the remains of those who had been cremated in that infreno, I could only think: The burning sensation was the spirits of those people, digging their skelatal fingers in to my lungs and throat, clawing their way back up, to escape "me". They wanted... the needed to be set free, and I was imprisoning them in my body. They were fighting, they were scratching and scraping... and I kept breathing. Each time I inhaled, I drew cremated ash deeper into my lungs. The moisture of my pulmonary tissues adhrered the ash and particles to "me". Like nicotene to a cigarette smoker, a part of that substance - those PEOPLE - would be absorbed into my body. What mineral or other compound that could be, would become ME! These incinerated humans, these strangers, would continue to walk the earth... as part of my being. But their spirits' need to be set free was so great that they fought, and in doing so, scratched, burned, slashed at my body. I coughed. I sneezed. I gagged. They fought. When the coughing, sneezing and gagging subsided, I wondered: Who are they? and Where are they... inside me now? It's 3 years later - and I still wonder. |
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04.04.09@7h57 Smoke and cynders in the air rose high above Hell's raging inferno. Towers of glass and steel turned torches on earth's horizon. All turned to ash as I stood helpless but to watch and witness. And cremation cremation of the trapped. Their ashes mingled with the dust and soot that filled my lungs and throat and covered earth around me and in my sleep I breathed them in and in my waking hours breathed them in deeper still. It burned! The flames had been extinguished but bits of strangers lingered all around. The sky might have been blue again but they were still there suspended in my air. My lungs pulled them in... inside me. Microscopic bits of body, bone and spirit of those who once looked on in terror, charred and turned to ash now adhered to my moist lungs in the darkness of my own body. In my nostrils, throat and lungs, sharp claws punctured my flesh, scraping to be set free. Spririts climbed higher toward the light torturing me. It burned! I breathed. They fought my efforts to live. I inhaled and pulled them deeper inside. These strangers these people affixed to my own tissues lodged within my chest so very close to my heart. I thought it was like fiberglass, or sand or tiny stone that rasped against my lungs and throat but it was more like firey claws of spirits fighting to be set free of me. In time... time... time... The remnants of the cremated affixed, adhered to my internal flesh, entrapped through no fault of theirs nor mine disolved, absorbed, became enjoined. And when the burning, scratching, clawing ceased these strangers the cremated pulsed through with-in my blood. How many of them I wonder now trapped inside me will wait wait with me to die a second time and finally be set free. A question that in silence lingers and now years after... it burns! |
13h20 To have survivied is not to have survived but only to linger tortured with no other to know none to understand none who comprehend to walk amidst (not amongst) those who would forget or claim a tragedy as their own having not the slightest idea nor notion but looking for a reason to beg sympathy. Disregard us who lived and live carrying in our lungs the dust of buildings gone and the ash of those who perished. You won't see what we harbour in our hearts. The pains and despair or that ash which has become what we are today. We hold it all with-in us and you can live and we will simply disappear not even with pity for you. |
11 September 2004 (Newburgh) No chruch bell tolled as morning rose uninterrupted. A cloud passed over the sun... it retreated and dawn departed. The day began sun filled all eyes and there was no silence. And I was alone. Non-existent I retreated, pulled my-self into my-self surrounded by my-self I heard my heart break. Images of a television screen the stairs the roof... The silence of disbelief of anger, sorrow, despair and fear like strobing flashes my mind reeled... in total solitude. A wave overcame me. I was lost and tumbling no control to drift away. The darkness, in a solitary soul it was alone... I was lonely so lonely. Nothing in common and nothing to share my family so far away I retreated to my lawn chair down-stairs in the back-yard sitting with ones Loved and Loving We waited for returning survivors beneath the flag under which I slept and folded to take with me. I clutch my flag as a long-lost Love One and silently remember... alone save my memories... the only commonality left... inside. |
