am i alone?

Seven stop hold restart
You need a gun and a signal for vultures
You need a net to catch all that you're seeing
Floors long enough to scrape all of your knuckles
To the bones and then back home

This is a fence line for scarecrows and buzzards
And all the books that you're reading and reading
Department store mistakes all of your worries away
the city tallest drink couldn't make up your pavement

This hill has pipes coming out of its sides
With concrete poles down holes to shake your ass to the concrete sound
And downtown the people is moving and moving, I'll never know what is held onto
And I am nine years old with short legs and all

Late at night, calling to get some prices well I got a bright idea for you
It's in the smoke alarms and all these things on my ceiling
We could use more up there they work out really well

These are the pants that fit me, these are the suits on hold
I want to move to your town, jump and really smell the people running around

Baby, if you want to, you can swallow me bones and all
Your golden tongue was disconnected with one sound

~Aequitas

who reads this anymore anyways? i guess it don't really matter. i need to find somekind of outreach and since it aint gunna fuckin happen, we'll just see how this goes. if you don't see me for a while, don't be concerned. i'll just be tucked away not too far at all away from the world. until then, peace love and unity.

-Olive xoxo

Creative destructionalists on a saturday night
Art comes in many forms...

You know you're right
That night it changed, probably for worse. Better is a word I know not of, it's a live and let learn lesson of hopes from fortune cookies. I overstepped my boundaries, but it was chalk full of meaning. Suppressed emoticons of the living, deformed attention standing still. I apologized, but I didn't have to, I wasn't sorry, except that it was unrequited. Wake up neo self, your pace is fast but it's always true. Poison, in a bottle. Pay to lose yourself and let your emotions spill out, embarrassing sometimes. Brick walled, and shutout. My own fault, why build a bridge with sand.. when it rains it all comes back down again. The faults shine clear, I accept. Decline giving in, and up. Six days, and I haven't a clue what will happen, some days I wish it is my demise, others it is a trip somewhere, something amazing will happen, I will wake up. Who knows anymore, not me apparently. Being "amazing" comes with a price, a hefty one. Because perfection is the lie we tell ourselves in hope to beat or find and take.

~Aequitas

Visit planets within the galaxy, just $.99
Alcohol, sometimes makes you drop below stupidity, and other times makes you think. Your brain starts grinding gears and pumping out thoughts like some Asian sweatshop gone into nuclear overtime. Tonight was one of those nights where my brain started going so fast it felt like it was going to explode. I realized the risks, i realized the possible outcomes but I took that risk and put myself out on a line. That line broke over a wilderness of razorblades, and I sure as hell dealt with the outcome. The warning came, from more than 3, and yet I never listened, naivety is like a rattlesnake in the grass, you hear it but your so goddamn curious you just have to see what it is. Then it just snaps at your aorta and pumps the venom right into your heart, so fast. Then you realize it is too late, your going to die and your life flashes before your eyes. Not really death, just fictional death. It's happened enough times, but I remain quiet and take it like always. That last attempt just seems so futile. I should be sleeping, but I don't see the point, it's about as pointless as breathing, eating, living.. just a cycle of achieving nothing. At least I will have pancakes when i wake up....

~Aequitas

Finally...
Mood:  blue
Topic: And now...
I have finally cried out true Dane Cook style tears. I think I might be a little more human again... Just a little.

Fuck fuck mother mother fuck...
Mood:  quizzical
I have not a clue where the fuck to start. I wish that I could kill one of you completely off of my brain. Destroy the soul within at least three or four of you. I only want one of me. I want what I cannot have. Don't we fucking all though? I wish I could keep the one of me that we all love. But that one is pretty fucking hard to find lately. I can't find her at all. I wish I had my mother here. I wish she would take care of me. I want to have a great job. I don't know how much longer I belong. I feel like this is the end of me. I don't know how much longer I am going to last on this disgusting planet. I don't belong on this fucked up planet we call home. All of us. Fucked right over by our own damn minds over and OVER and OVER until our fucking brains explode with the fucking vomit they've been filled with always. I want to be where I belong and I don't know where I can find it. I'm sick of fucking it all up and over. I'm sick of myself. I think I want to run and run and RUN and RUN until I run out of breath and drop because I just cannot do it anymore. I want to drop. I want to drop all full of drama. I want to leave in style. Completely DRAMATIC like in the movies. I want everyone to see it too. Everything is going to hell as we breath and we all see it and we do nothing because hell is stronger so we accept it. We see it. We face it and we let it take over our bodies and our mind. We let everything take us over. So un-origional. Fuck it. We keep breathing only to fucking struggle in the end... No not in the end. For our entire existance, and only to keep facing it and struggling more and more over and FUCKING OVER. Because that's how we are. The race is killing itself and were all fucking dumb. I'm so fucking dumb. We all know it, and we accept it. Fucking fall into our own traps over and over and over and over and I think I want my placebos to calm me down. I wish I had even some fake reality. Something again to tell me what to do. To pretend to get rid of all 7 or 8 of you. I believe what it tells me. I don't even know what to believe anymore. I try so hard everyday to comprehend myself. I just cannot do it anymore. I want the easy way out. Quitters never win though. But fuck that shit. If I quit smoking, do I win or lose? Is this life worth living enough to not smoke? Who knows, right? I want my placebos. I need my placebos. I'm not great. I barely know enlish. All I know is that I would love somekind of false hope to keep me going. I need the pills. I want them to pretend I'm real again. Fuck the consequences. I need guidance, good or bad. I don't want me anymore. Me sucks. Can I have an new one please? :D I want to know where I belong for real now. For real, for real. I'm serious this time. Remove the new and the old and the nasty faded scars from upon me and make me better and fake and new again... Pretty please with a fucking lie on top...

-Olive xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo fuck

And these are the days of our...
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Nine Inch Nails - In This Twilight

Confessions...
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Ignore me please...
Sometimes when I look at you, I still feel like vomiting. When you hurt me, I liked it. When everything goes wrong, I contemplate suicide, then realise it's not worth it. I look at myself in the mirror a lot, not because I'm vain, but because I hate myself. I never know what to do. I know that I piss you all off. I know you think I'm irritating, but you stick around because you get bored. I wish I could find a place to be truly happy in this life. I love to get used. I love to get hurt. I love to be hated. I hate to be loved. I hate the sound of my voice. Sometimes I recall those days and wish I did it better, I wish I said it better, I wish I hurt you better. I'm still hurt of what you did to me, but i know that nothing hurts worse than the fact that you never appologised and kept going on like we were the best of friends and like it never happened... I still wait for that appology. I still want to confront you. I'm proud of what I did to him the day I stole his tequila. I'm never going to be ready for a new relationship. I want to go home. I want a parent. I miss my puppy more than I miss him. I realised I never loved him a week after we moved in, but I still stayed. I know I used him. I wish I had a better body. I wish you never touched him. I know that he's a loser. I still think about the day you almost died on me. Sometimes I feel like I need to release stress and sometimes I wish I could do it on your face and make you hurt worse than me. I don't think that you are really my friend. I don't know why you stick around. I know you think you're better. I love myself more than anybody, which says a lot since I hate myself to bits. I miss falling asleep next to you, because then you were quiet, and merely just a body to cuddle up to. I wish I never met you, and you, and especially you. I have'nt cried for at least a month. Like, really cried. I want to see you dead. I hate what I have become. I hate you. I wish I had a lot of money, but don't we all. I feel like I'm disapointing you everyday. I know I'm a loser. I don't fucking care anymore.

-Olive xoxoxoxoxoxox