true works of art by kevin alborough
in case you're too stupid or lazy to figure it out, this is basically just a collection of doodles, most of which i drew whilst bored in class (or, recently, at work).
some of them make sense, a few of them are even about stuff.. yep
click here to tell me how much you hate me
click here for my other site (flying cow records)
don't click here
a picture of my fans
my "real" art page n' stuff
august 10th, 2004 (is a beautiful day)
what: it's update time.
but of course i don't really have anything to say. so here is some random crap i have sharted out in the last little while:
waait.... there is nothing.
but here is a story about yesterday:
i was cutting the grass and i got half the yard done and the grass was all "not today, bitch" and broke the blade off.
it came flying out from under the mower and just about defootitated me.
also as of a couple weeks ago i have had FOUR drinking fines. warning: if your town has a regatta (loserfest): DO NOT i fucking mean DO NOT take your booze like ten feet out of the designated drinking area EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT DRUNK. because you'll get a fuckin 130 dollar ticket and have to sit in the back of a cop car for like 20 minutes while they tell lame cop jokes and check out your awesome hat. fucking ridiculous.
the real reason i haven't done anything lately is because of that. i have been doing nothing but drinking. also working and preparing for college but mostly drinking. my deviantart page has some of my usual poetry crap and drawing crap and now a little photography and stuff.. also, i was kidnapped by elves. here's the story.
i was sitting around in my basement one tuesday morning around the end of june, at about 8:30 just polishing off a mickey of whiskey and watching the home shopping channel. all of a sudden i hear a knock on my door. and i'm all "who is it?"
and the voice on the other side says "it's garth"
and i say "no it's not, garth is at work" (he works at santa's village, but he's not an elf)
and it's all "yeah i lied. it's just me, the shark"
so i'm all "sweet. just a sec"
the shark is awesome and i always let him in my room because he tells good shark jokes and brings whiskey .. so i got off the couch and put on a pair of pants and some lipstick and blew my nose and answered the door.
and it was an elf.
and i was like "you're not a fuckin sha- aaaaugh!"
(that's when he put the big bag over my head)
then i woke up and i was not drunk anymore and i was inside of a big
squisy pink-orange (peach) room. and i'm like.. what the fuck?
and there's all these elves around me.
i dont remember most of what happened during the next three weeks; because sobreity limits my ability to pay attention to my surroundings.
but after a while i somehow managed to escape.
and when i got out i realized i had been inside a giant mushroom (and also i forgot the best part: the elves were slaving me to make tea for them.)
so i hitchhiked back to canada from.. elf island.. and then spent the next two weeks drinking nonstop until i caught up with the necessary level of booze to keep me focused enough to at least pretend to have updated the site..
hope it was worth it for you, you lousy fuck.
so next time you're gonna email me and tell me i should start updating my site again, you should keep in mind the possibility that i was kidnapped by elves, and you should show a little respect for the guy who's making your tea for nothing.. nothing but slightly less severe whippings every evening...
those elves are fucking ruthless
it’s june 24th and we
it (and i feel fine)
it is time for
Now in technicolour.
4002 ,ht91 yam
alright. there are so many bad internet comics out there, i thought i would add to the flaming heap of festering shit.. so HERE IT IS.
REALLY BAD WEBCOMIC ISSUE ONE
also; this has been kickin' around for ages and ages but i am too lazy to do it. it is...
homeless blog number 2.
if you don't know what a homeless blog is then i will explain because you, the average internet user, are probably too stupid to scroll down far enough to read the explanation of the first one: i left my microphone turned on one time, and microsoft word was on doing speech recognition. people were talking in the room and the tv was on or something; and the speech recognitiony-thinger picked up all kinds of stuff but printed it all as gibberish (because speech recognition is useless)
march 31.... or is it?
The SawStop: Another "smart product" for the stupid.
it has been exactly 55 days since my last update (i think). but it's okay because this time it is something good.
just now( i mean like in the last few minutes now. this is fresh off the griddle. HOT! HOT! CAREFUL WITH THAT, OH SHIT YOU GOT BURNED!) just now i have created a rap song generator. my best friend in the whole wide world, chris legg, put it together for me because he goes to college and therefore knows how to do things that most people cannot; like make forms and stuff.
so anyways: here it is, a groundbreaking new innovation; KEVIN AND CHRIS'S GANGSTA-RAP SONG GENERATOR.
it is the
best thing in the universe because i am the shit and nothing you can
could possibly top anything i do.
even my farts are better than those of your whole family.
tonight we're gonna party like
if you go down a little bit you'll notice that last time i updated this site i forgot that it is actually 2004 now..AHAHAHAHA.
THEY BETTER PRINT IT OUT AND PUT IT ON JAY LENO..
because i made a typo.. ahahaha
also, if you look up, you'll see a link to a picture of my three biggest fans. their names are Paco, Enid, and Cobra.. I think
HEY: Remember homeless blog? well guess what; my
internet-buddy (i'm a loser) Sven Mullet, made a song to go with it.
It is here.
I must recommend you listen to his other songs, though because they are actually good.
somebody by the name of "sport_baby289" (seriously..(i am absolutely not kidding)) emailed me and said i should put pictures of myself on the internet.
i am a lonely old internet man, so i will.
ladies: eat your heart out, because it's time for PICTURES OF ME...
(these were all taken on the same day; i don't always dress the same)
here's one where i rock
you probably shouldn't ask
here i am practically defying gravity
also for no reason here is a picture of my beautiful cat; joey ramone
that's it for now..
oh, if you sent me money and i still owe you CD's; then you should go here because i actually updated it today.
january 666, 2003
thought i'd ring in the new year with a story i wrote. in case you're a moron who can't see links..
HERE IT IS AGAIN
also; here's a picture i drew the other night with damiano. here it is again, with some kind of lighting effect on it.
a 26'er of november
hey. check it out: i left my microphone turned on one time, and microsoft word was on doing speech recognition. people were talking in the room and the tv was on or something; and the speech recognitiony-thinger picked up all kinds of stuff but printed it all as gibberish (because speech recognition is useless). some of it is pretty funny, so i saved it. i just found it and here it is: HOMELESS BLOG #1: I’m manager them Moslems (the reason it's called homeless blog is because it is crazy and sounds like hobo talk... 'n case you couldn't figure it out)
are some pictures.. there would be a lot more, but i am super-lazy:
BIMTOB; THE CONQUEROR!
angry / poorly drawn
HAHAHA! Firebreath @ Puny-Turtle Thing (pwned)
we found a bottle!
handy new invention.
one of my bands has a shirt you can buy on a site called pixeltees. you should buy it. bortwein made it. buy lots so he can get money.
i have lots of doodles. i swear i'll put 'em up soon. i've just been too busy/lazy to play with this scanner.
whateva. y'all don't know me
october 222, (the extra 2 is for 2 legit 2
yep.. this is.. uh... an update? i guess.
yeah! this is what i was gonna do.
i don't normally link to other people's stuff, but THIS IS SHEILA'S SITE.
she has a
section for my poetry . . . but you'll have to find it (it wont be
click some words and eventually you get there). i don't know how much
small handful of people who really really seem to be enjoying this site
actually apprectiate my poetry. it's not like.. "humourous" in any
way.. unless you find humour in pain. and if you're one of those
recommend you go jump into a bathtub full of maggots and razors so that
the razors cut you the maggots will crawl inside of the wounds and
then we'll see who laughs.
also, i recommend you read some of her poetry, and that of the other lovely and magical people who are on the splendiferous site that is sheila cook's website. because it's all better than mine and it's all really good, and grood, and scrumtrillescent.
man, long sentences are fun sometimes especially when they're long and have lots of magical and wonderful and scrumtrillescently fangoriously splenic adjectives that don't really work and you have to read the sentence over and over like five or six or possibly even seven times to try and figure out what's going on because the person who typed it up doesn't use a lot of punctuation or correct grammar and such so i hope you enjoyed this one.
i've put a link to SHEILA'S
i may as well put some links to other things.
here is a link to a really funny news story about joshlee's crazy drunken welfare mom.
here is a picture of some guy's dog.
here is a really cool swordfish-nose-guy.
here is that dog again.
oh yeah, and
elliot smith died today, which makes me a really sad panda.
johnny cash, warren zevon, wesley willis, and now elliot smith. this is one hell of a lot of suck for such a short period of time.
R.I.P. Elliot Smith.. your candle burned out long before your legend ever will.
that's it. i
the first october 17th in 365
days, or so
yeah yeah yeah, i know i don't update this page hardly ever anymore. so i made a big huge freakin mofo of an update RIGHT HERE.. er.. sorry, that's right here. i actually am getting emails about this site but they're all either "your dumb" or "You are great." but some say 'update more often' (i think those are from people i know, disguising themselves as internet people). maybe if i get lots and lots of dumb people emailing me i will be able to make a whole page where i make fun of people's spelling and immaturity, like Maddox or StrongBad, or __________. <fill this in. for now, though; i wont. because i hate you. so, again, HERE IS A LIST OF EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE IN THE LAST 29 (i think) DAYS. enjoy.
september 19, 2003 to the max
just as i promised, i took down that song. so if you click here or here or even here, you wont be able to hear it. but if you really want to, and i don't know why you would; it's at songfight.org, either on the front page, or in their archive; depending on when you go there.
i went on a trip to toronto with some friends of mine this past weekend; there was a lot of cool shit and i wish at least one of us had brought a camera. ah well. i'll maybe do a big update all about it later; but i've been lazy lately, so don't be suprised if it's not a big update; or if there's no update at all.
september 10, 2003 is stupid
that matt perry movie is on again, and it's at the exact part where he masturbates the bull. coincedence? we think not.
aaaaaaaaaaanyways; i'm just putting up a link to a song i made with My Quadell. My Quadell is a damn fine singer and this song wont be here very long; (i'm taking it down probably on friday). so grab it while you get a chance. it's called thunderstorms; my'q did the lyrics and vocals and i did the music and the bad radio bit at the beginning. enjoy it while you can.
september 03, 2003 wont be a
day to warrant a clever title
Sept 3. 12:35 AM: music and stuff
it's the beginning of august 31
(and i feel
August 31. 10:15 AM: coffee / indie girls / matt perry masturbating cattle
also, here are some signs at my work that people find confusing
also, here's a link to a song i made the other day.
this is what a couple people said about it:
"seriously kicks ass in the beck/talkshow boy vein. if i owned a dance club, i would play this" - bluelang
"this is mad! [good]" - s
august 30: really bored at work
Today, instead of putting up a bunch of really stupid doodlings; I put up a bunch of really stupid writing. I've been Bored At Work (I should change the title of this site, but that would involve getting a new url, so screw it) like all day long, and since I'm by myself this time I've just been sitting at the computer typing crap most of the day.. Here are the things. They don't have pretty pictures, but I didn't use too many big words; so it shouldn't be a hard read.. also they're in nice big fonts so you can read them, and they're a lot more interesting than the porn you've been looking at all day. So brace yourselves, because here's the first entry to the boredatwork archives.
August 30, 2003: 11:15 AM: writing / coffee / superhero of time
August 30, 2003: 12:06 PM: lunch / bacon lake / steven king
August 30, 2003: 12:45 PM: working / home hardware / cbc radio / making music
august 26: the first day of the
chunk of my life
tack in eye
jeremy can't draw - also, he is stupid
my hair is on fire
triangles are hard
i kick you
some kind of mushroom-pump thing
erin says "draw a picture of me for your site" ... but i am artistically impaired
beware! soap dispensor!
if i knew july 22 was coming, i'd
total eclipse of my fist and the radio
i don't know what this is
i am sleeping
citizen's arrest: visor guy
bored at work
my music at work
going to drink
july 12ified: bored at work
not a travel mug
if i had a dollar
kevin's left hand
the cd sleeve that eats your cd's
three whole hours of TMN
davey havok is a sexy man
..i found this in Value Village..
i thought you were moaning
not a thumb.
sticky notes are fun.
a story, by jason tait
june 18 - yet another sad and
"today has been a fucked up day"
i am wearing a bird mask.
falling onto some sort of sharp thing
unemployed: will puke/dance for cash
welfare dwarf (by kevin alborough and matt makischuk)
bonus hidden track: god save the queen
oh my god! it's june 10nd 2003!
home hardware shelf-tetris
swordfish vs. octopus
go away! i am busy eating the big, warty, suspended worm!
annoying story guy
annoying car guy
annoying customer guy
the greatest day of my life
the machine that flattens my driveway
strange fish-thing & lizard-dog
my siamese twin has fallen asleep
extra! extra! june 2st 2003!
(or midnightish of june 1th)
my brother made a discovery today
my hair is on fire
i am an angry waste of paper
a lesson in tracing
separation of siamese twins (with chainsaw)
don't talk to me ... i am busy eating the big warty nipple thing
june 1th 2003
flip me off?
second or third worst day
my brother says this guy looks 'french'.
USA vs. world
i stand on tables
particle ion gun
how to be indie