Bhawani's Simpsons Quotes
[Praying heavenward]
Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me,
Superman!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd
step over your own mother just to get one!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dealer: 19.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 20.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 21.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 22.
Homer: D'oh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: God bless those pagans.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with
fake IDs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my
livers. I can get by with one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mindy(Homer's crush, inside an elevator): "Well, it looks like we'll be
getting off together, uh, I mean, going down together,uh, I mean- "
Homer: "That's okay, I'll just press the button for the stimulator - I
mean elevator!".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room
and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is
Mother Shabubu now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express
riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days,
Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a
month's pay in three minutes.
Homer: Three minutes!
[whistles]
Marge: I never realized history was so filthy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Oh my God! The dead have risen and are voting Republican!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass
operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery.
Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I
present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give
me no sign whatsoever.
[brief pause]
Homer: Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake
up dead tomorrow!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Reading a sign]
Homer: "Do not touch Willy" Hmm, good advice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar
bill instead.]
Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night
you saw this alien.
Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were
discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your
mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon
claws!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Milhouse: It started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended in tragedy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl!
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit! Never give up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Nick: Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Washington: We had quitters in the Revolution, too. We called them
"Kentuckians."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're
making a scene."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose: it's how drunk you get.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every
day and do it really half-assed.?That's the American way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never
try.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about
bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and
I won't be back for ten minutes!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]
Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this
couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with
desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Mrs. Krabappel: We need names!
Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr.
X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't
Homer J. Simpson!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy!
You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you
with riches! Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who
got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was
strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo!
Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this
big... thing... of riches!
Bart: How did a lion get riches?
Homer: It was the olden days!
Bart: Oh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
Homer: I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Insurance Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This
place "Moe's" you left just before the accident. This is a business of some
kind?
Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. Gasp! But what else is open at
night?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer's Brain: Heh heh heh. I woulda never thought of that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought
it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark
and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Krusty faces imprisonment after being revealed as a tax fraud.]
Krusty the Clown: I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle. I'm used to the
best.
IRS Agent: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail.
We're just going to garnish your salary.
Krusty the Clown: You're going to *garnish* my *celery*?
IRS Agent: Please, Krusty, no jokes!
Krusty the Clown: Who's joking? Oh, I don't understand what you're saying, it
all sounds so crazy to me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I'd like your deadliest gun please.
Clerk: Aisle 6- Next to the sympathy cards.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled.]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lisa has been caught looking out the window at Nelson during band practise.]
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey Powell: He does not!
Class: Janie likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Class: Uder likes Milhouse!
Professor Ludwig: Silence! NOBODY likes Milhouse!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: We can outsmart those dolphins! Don't forget -- we invented computers,
leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding
cup!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After the angel hoax is exposed.]
Homer: What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?!
Bart: I could take up smoking.
Homer: You damn well better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer and his band are performing a 4th of July concert in New York City]
Homer: This next song is dedicated to a very special lady. She's 100 years old
and weighs over 200...tons.
Fan: This enormous lady will devour us all.
[Screams and jumps into the ocean]
Homer: I meant the statue!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal
punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people
strut confidently trough the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired
for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run
wild and free, for as the Bible tells us, "Let your children run wild and
free."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they make my shoes smell
good?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing.]
Marge: Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't
win.
Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the
water department, God...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered
artificial insemination?
Homer: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a
robot!
[Marge whispers something in his ear]
Homer: I knew that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to
earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name
was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of
every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Apu
is shot.]
Apu: Ah! the searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm
dying.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Milhouse, what happened?! You were supposed to be watching the factory!
Milhouse: I was watchin'. First it started to fall over, then it fell over.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need
to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: But it's only 9:30 in the morning!
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't
excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: There's no shame in being a pariah.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[On working at the DMV.]
Patty: Somedays we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: Yeah, we call those WEEKdays.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and
studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be
extracted for our personal use.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy just
doesn't work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: I've said it before, and I'll say it again...aye carumba!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We
agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you
should know that your refusal will result in months and months of...
Bart, Lisa: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of
chocolate to milk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come
together to worship Santa Claus.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lou: I went to the McDonalds over in Shelbyville the other day.
Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what?
Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2000
locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Hmm...Must've sprung up over night.
Lou: But you know, its the little differences.
Chief Wiggum: Example?
Lou: Well at a McDonalds you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they
don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Get out! What do they call it?
Lou: A quarter pounder with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Quarter pounder with cheese...well I can see the cheese but? Hey,
do they have Krusty's Partially Gelatinated Gum-Based beverages?
Lou: Yeah, they call them 'shakes.'
Eddie: *Pfft* 'Shakes.' You don't know what you're gettin'.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces
shall draw me near.
Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bart & Lisa are reading a magazine at the Kwik-E-Mart.]
Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that
thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth
about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:]
Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington!
Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man,
even your dreams are square.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade.
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us
from the animals... except the weasel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off
of you.
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rev. Lovejoy: Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know,
Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: D'oh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Simpsons have accidentally built a barn from a pool kit]
Homer: Alright, everybody in the pool!
Amish Farmer: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.
Homer: D'oh-eth!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After Homer runs over a deer]
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: A deer!
Lisa: A female deer!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer
Simpson.
Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our
club?
Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Barney Gumble.
Les: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer: Uh, actually my real name is uh, think Krusty, think, Joe Valachi.
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about
organized crime?
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated
British?
Homer: D'oh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Bad corpse! Stop... scaring... Smithers!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be
yourself.
Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lisa and Mr. Burns are collecting cans at the beach.]
Mr. Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for
garbage?
Lisa: Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel.
Mr. Burns: Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and
kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with
enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo
grounds.
Lisa: [unimpressed] There's a can.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent,
juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls... two, I suppose.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash!
Smithers: Um, well, sir... it happened twenty five years before I was born.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote
some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy
as a loon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city,
keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I
think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new
protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mulder: Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO
sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.
Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and
illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: I like him! He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with
his physical appearance...
Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
Marge: Mmm...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good
at everything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see
Easter Island.
Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads.
Moe: With the what now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rev. Lovejoy: This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird
rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the
Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kang: Holy fleurking schnit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: ...and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all
through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered
last night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't
bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.]
Bart: It's craptacular.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent
pay cut!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Skinner: Children, I couldn't help monitoring you conversation.
There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no
more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bart's looking for his dog.]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt -- and I 'ate 'im!
[Bart gasps.]
Willy: I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always
barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.
[Bart stares.]
Willy: Ya heard me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grampa Simpson: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail.
What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Grampa Simpson: Flu?
Homer: No.
Grampa Simpson: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Grampa Simpson: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Grampa Simpson: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N -- yes. But please, don't you say that word!
Grampa Simpson: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly
father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is _not_
something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get
that badge.
Man: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?!
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your
name.
Man: I've have it up to here with your "rules"!
[leaves]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bart doing a newcast on a kids news show.]
Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17
years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were
gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people
think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's
just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer lies in a drunken heap.]
Marge: I've never been so embarassed in my life!
Homer: Why, what did you do?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm and alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have
10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube.
You have 30 minutes to move your cube.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a
second name, it's H-O-M-E-R.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: My friends call me Bleeding Gums.
Lisa: Eww, how'd you get a name like that?
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the
dentist?
Lisa: Yeah.
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one. But I've already
got enough pain in my life as it is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while,
our little Lisa's becoming a young woman.
Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making
other people feel WORSE, and making a few bucks while you're at it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer is applying for a job as a department store Santa Claus.]
Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: So Mr King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
Steven King: Actually, I'm taking a break from horror for the time being.
Marge: Oh, that's too bad.
Steven King: At the moment I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He
was a fascinating man who discovered electricity, and used it to torture
children and green mountain men. And that key he tied to a kite - it opened the
gates to Hell!
Marge: Well, when you go back to horror will you let me know?
Steven King: Will do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: What, Aunt Patty?
Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
Lisa: Well, I wish you wouldn't, because, aside from the fact that he has the
same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore, he
is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of
my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a
knock at me, and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the
election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to
jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to
show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lisa takes Bart to the library.]
Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha.
[wink]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Bart: Okay.
Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
Bart: You got it.
Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
Bart: Done.
Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about!
Bart: True.
Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating!
Bart: I'll bet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little
strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect
for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Homer: Aww.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear
them get *beaten up*.
Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they
say it's okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a
tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?
Ned Flanders: No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word!
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from
someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.
Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible?
Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... page 900.
[quickly hangs up]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Homer, I think the baby's coming.
Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Who is that fireband, Smithers?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he
saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into
your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you,
what would you say?
Smithers: If *you* did it, sir?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us
upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook,
and suspect everyone.
Snake: Three card monte!
Homer: Woo hoo! Easy money!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in
the end.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya;
otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[While operating on Homer.]
Dr. Nick: [singing] The kneebone's connected to the... something. The
something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my
wrist watch. ...Uh oh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Hey Homer, this house sucks!
Homer: Bart, I told you to never use that word! Call me Daddy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she.]
Marge: Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of her.
Lisa: You're thinking of bears, mom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms?
Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa!
Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car!
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines. You got a problem, go tell your mama!
Principal Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Hibbert: We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are
trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I
wrote the book on love.
Grampa Simpson: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front"!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alien: I bring you love!
Larry: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
Carl: Break its legs!
Lisa: No! Wait!
[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns]
Willy: Argh! It's a monster! Kill it, kill it!
Smithers: No, stop! It's not a monster, it's Mr Burns!
Willy: Ahhh, it's Mr Burns. Kill it, kill it!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: If he didn't steal the church collection plate money, why is he wearing
those fancy clothes?
Marge: Those were the clothes he wore to church!
Homer: Oooooh, how convenient.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: That's why you're the judge and I'm the... law... talking... guy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Ooohh, my head.
Lisa: The remorse of the sugar junkie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How
very odd.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy
green blow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the
worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes,
registering my disgust throughout the world.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kicking Walt Whitman's tombstone.]
Homer: I! Hate! You! Walt! Freaking! Whitman! "Leaves of Grass," my ass!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: I am the lizard queen!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a
psychiatrist?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Willy: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back.]
Apu: There it is, the world's first convenience store.
Homer: This isn't very convenient.
Apu: Must you knock on everything we do?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kirk Van Houten: [trying to impress Homer with his new bachelor pad] So what do
we got, guy? A wild party?
Neighbors: An opossum drowned in the swimming pool. Can we borrow a garbage
bag?
Kirk Van Houten: Aaaah, just throw it over the fence and let Arby's worry about
it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Flash-forward to Lisa's wedding]
Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best
thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the time you learned to pin your
own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
Lisa: Oh, Dad...
Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of
you. You're my greatest accomplishment, and you did it all yourself. You taught
me to understand my own life better, and made me a better person, but you're
still my daughter, and I don't think anyone has ever had a better daughter than
--
Lisa: Dad, you're babbling.
Homer: See? You're still helping me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is
definitely wrong.
Grampa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Lisa, normally I'd support you for standing for what you believe in, but
you've been doing that a lot lately.
Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we can't watch *Fox* 'cause they own those chemical weapons plants
in Syria.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the
dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a
sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old!
Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's Brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's Brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
[Sound FX: step step step step step... slam]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get
through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Dad, we did something horrible!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here
anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[A rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of
direction.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Speaking about the skeleton she found]
Lisa: It could be a mutant from the power plant.
Mr. Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers --
oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr. Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kang: We must move forward... not backwards, not to the side, not forwards, but
always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[While watching a faculty talent show]
Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and*
blows.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maude Flanders: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Oh, if I fail I won't even be able to get into Vassar.
Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialogue coach: No, "Up and atom".
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialogue coach: Up and *atom*!
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialouge coach: [frustrated] Better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Hey mouse. Say cheese.
[Takes a flash picture of the killer robot Itchy, short-circuiting it]
Bart: Hey, with a dry cool wit like that I could be an action star.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ralph is lying in bed]
Ralph Wiggum: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Groundskeeper Willie: You've mastered a dead tongue. Now can ya handle a live
one?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away,
and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history! From the town
of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!
[runs into a chestnut tree]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. ...Maybe Texas.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barney: I'll never drink again.
Film Festival Presenter: And your prize is a lifetime supply of Duff beer.
Barney: Hook it to my veins!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: [cocks a shotgun] To the book depository!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser".
Homer: Hmmm is it any good?
Bart: I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comic Book Guy: Yes, I would like to return your quote-unquote *ultimate* belt.
Clerk: I see. Do you a receipt, quote-unquote sir?
Comic Book Guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at a Star
Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the
average Trekker has no need of a medium-size belt.
Clerk: Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the
ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return.
Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it.
Comic Book Guy: Very well. I must get back to my comic book store, where I
dispense the insults rather than receive them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]
Homer: Oh no, Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bart has an earring]
Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely
different!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there!
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does
everything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer.
[Homer deals Bond a card.]
James Bond: Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck.
Homer: Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one.
[Homer deals Bond another card.]
James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond...
[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him.]
James Bond: But... but wait! It was Homer's fault. I can't lose! I never lose!
[Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino.]
James Bond: At least tell me your plans for world domination!
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for THAT one again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant]
Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a
special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going
through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to
express themselves creatively.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer is using butter as a pencil holder.]
Marge: Is that my butter?
Homer: Can't talk -- taking memo.
[Licks tip of pencil as if about to write.]
Homer: Mmmmm... delicious.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this
crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught
driving without pants.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into foster care]
Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this
phone. You negligent monster.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Looking at Uruguay on a map]
Homer: Heehee! Look at this country! "You are gay."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At Apu's wedding.]
Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a
Hindu ceremony before.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leonard Nimoy: Good evening, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien
encounters is true. And by true I mean false. It's all lies. But they're
entertaining lies, so in the end, isn't that the truth? The answer is "no."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can *all* burn evidence in it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astra: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a
mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient,
hillbilly or chimpanzee!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At her first Broadway show.]
Marge: You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway
audience.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.]
Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine".
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Why he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
Homer: At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the
Savings & Loan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't
immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and
wind up the target of international assassins.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked!
I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that
ever sucked!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bart talking about his new school uniforms]
Bart: Mo-o-om! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts
leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that.
Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! That just plain sucked!
I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that
ever sucked!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Sorry, Moe, gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
Bart & Lisa: [shouting] We are not wiener kids!
Homer: Then why are you wearing those dorky uniforms? Hmmmm...?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for
the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at
Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned with violence as you are.
That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem, so
that we may educate as well as horrify.
Marge: When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that
cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene, the cat was
breathing comfortably!
Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: Just like in real life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Next!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer just beat Michelangelo's David in fooz ball]
Homer: You lose, Michelangelo's David! Whose next?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mark Hamill: Hey everybody. I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here
to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you can save up to three times more
than the more dependable companies.
Audience: Talk about Star Wars!
Homer: Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying to save you money on long distance
calls.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a
world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs
with funny little hats.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny.
Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Why would anyone want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: You awful, awful man! Stay away from my son!
Sideshow Bob: [menacing] I'll stay away. Stay away... FOREVER!
Homer: Oh, no!
Sideshow Bob: Wait. That's no good.
[walks away, then runs back]
Sideshow Bob: I've got a good one now. Marge, say "stay away from my son"
again!
Marge: No!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
Lisa: How so dad?
Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.
Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
Homer: Well it's more then you've done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of
Santa.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two
tick...
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but...
[bites]
Homer: Mmm, sacrilicious.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy
store-bought dirt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: George Burns was right: show biz is a horrible bitch goddess.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Face it, Bart, Sideshow Bob has changed.
Bart: No he hasn't! He's more the same than ever!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
Homer: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the
rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[A very young Ranier Wolfcastle in a TV commercial]
Ranier Wolfcastle: My bratwurst has a first name.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am
the... uh... what cures cancer?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Faith: Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading Digest.
Homer: Oh I love your magazine! My favorite section is "How to increase your
word power." That thing is really, really, really... good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
[Lisa sighs.]
Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music.
[Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Answering the phone]
Bart: Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Hoover: Do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act
like a maniac?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Social Worker: Stupid babies require the most attention.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons
and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name
would be... The Killbot Factory!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you
have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday
morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Writing a food review]
Homer: The bread was... the bread was...
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff!
Homer: You've been pitching that one all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Lisa, I've had it with you and your stories. "Bart's a vampire." "Beer
kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that... building thingy... where our
beds and TV... is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would
you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on
the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage! Send help! Over.
Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me, so why does it suck?
Lisa: It's simple, Bart. You've defined yourself as a rebel. And in the absence
of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.
Bart: I see.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out! You're banned from this historical society! You
and your children, and your children's children! ...For three months.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Dig him up! Dig up that corpse! If you really love Jebediah Springfield,
you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his
grave! Pull out his tongue!
Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a
corpse?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mayor Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill,
nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye! I
declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's
Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day!
Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders! Gimme that!
[Grabs the bell from him]
Homer: Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth
Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous!
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations!
Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is
Alan, the cowboy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This
morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It
just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and
structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so
unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That's it: we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here.
[Lisa walks in]
Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth doing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Man, I'm so bored!
Milhouse: Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Kids can be so cruel!
Bart: We can? Thanks, Mom!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Why won't those idiots let me into their crappy club for jerks?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Superintendent Chalmers: I've had it with this school, Skinner! Low test
scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: A rude Frenchman! Why I never.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little
boring at first.
Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing
cards.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Marge's plan to get "Itchy and Scratchy" off the air backfires]
Marge: I guess one person *can* make a difference... but most of the time they
probably shouldn't.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: At 3pm Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot
following a tense confrontation at Town Hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby
hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better
hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to alive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lisa wins an essay contest]
Homer: Woo-hoo! Who woulda guessed reading and writing would pay off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I don't care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world. He's a
jerk. End of story.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was
hyperactivity, but I knew better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all
alone]
Homer: I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.
Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and
nobody heard it.
Homer: D'oh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]
Mr. Burns: Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go
to museums or read books or anything.
Homer: Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't
let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last.
If they only stumbled once -- just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But
they won't, they won't let me live!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PBS Pledge Drive Host: It's easy to see why it's England's most long-running
series -- and we're showing all of them, all 7 episodes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Mom! Dad's on PBS!
Marge: Mm? They don't show police chases, do they?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Selma: We own you like Siegfried owns Roy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Carl: Throw away your self-pity and come get drunk with us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer enters the room]
Selma: Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest,
smelliest ape of them all!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer is a limo driver]
Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks!
You know that movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the hell out of me!
Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer can't stop the monorail]
Marge: I've brought somebody to help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: It's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's NOT Batman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The school has come into money and everyone's suggesting how to spend it.]
Lunchlady Doris: The kitchen staff is complaining of rats in the kitchen. I'd
like to hire a new staff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bees have escaped from a bee farm]
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet around here.
Beekeeper 2: Yes... a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean.
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don't.
Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no
bees.
Beekeeper 1: Hmm... oh look, there goes one.
Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile!
Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper 2: ...Yes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to
tell them to think!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the
world! I wanna watch TV in a different time zone! I wanna visit strange, exotic
malls! I'm sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I
want to LIVE, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Krusty the Clown: Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette... unless it's a
cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The
terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a
few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors -- oh, I'll never be
the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke
their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe.]
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that
something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from
Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!
[walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in]
Homer: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I
expect?
Smithers: What?????!!!!!
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free! Mothers, lock up your daughters!
Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Oh! Of course.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and in this house a creature
*was* stirring. But the only thing he was stirring was: up trouble.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose, it's how drunk you get.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Nelson's friends catch him kissing Lisa.]
Kearney: Aw man! You just kissed a girl!
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Aren't you going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a
voodoo dance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lenny: We made it! And it's all thanks to teamwork.
Carl: Yeah, *my* teamwork.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a leason: kids never learn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After seeing the movie "Naked Lunch"]
Nelson Muntz: I can think of two things wrong with that title!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: I'm going to my room Dad.
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Thank you, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: No, thank you, Lisa. For teaching kids everywhere a valuable
lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams
come true.
Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mayor Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school]
Homer: They're milking rats! Rats!
Mayor Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats? You promised me dog or higher!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[About to watch dinner theater]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight's production be better than Othello
starring Peter Marshall.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mark Hamill: [singing to the tune of "Luck Be A Lady"] Luke be a Jedi tonight!
Just be a Jedi tonight! Do it for for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap
like that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newspaper Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled
paper.
Lisa: What percentage is that?
Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: You love Shake n' Bake! You used to put it in your coffee!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lucy Lawless: I'll take you home.
[Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa.]
Lisa: Hey, Xena can't fly!
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse.]
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you
itself with its terrible taste.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into
heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for
Jesus.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: We want the truth!
Sideshow Bob: You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! I deride your
truth-handling abilities.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful day.
Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer
in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't
have a place within an organized religion!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! OW!! Oh, they're defending
themselves somehow!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Troy McClure: [Reading a fan letter] "How does Matt Groening manage to crank
out a brand new episode of The Simpsons each week?" Well, I'm glad you asked.
That's why we sent someone over there to find out!
[Matt Groening in his office, drinking whiskey. He notices the camera.]
Matt Groening: Get outta my office!
[Shoots the cameraman.]
Troy McClure: Of course what he MEANT to say, according to his lawyers, was
that he couldn't possibly do it alone!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: [answering the phone] Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kodos: We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always
twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer is undergoing major surgery. Grampa visits him in hospital.]
Grampa Simpson: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his
son. I've never understood why that is; frankly, I can see an upside to it! Ha
ha!
Mother Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can
call him a man...
Homer: Seven!
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every
day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order!
The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the
truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your
hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to
do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: If the house catches fire, call this number.
Actor Marge: Uh-huh. The fire department.
Mr. Burns: Yes. They're new. But they're good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Skinner: I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and
I've come to put a stop to it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Students draw pictures in Sunday School.]
Sunday School Teacher: Ralph, Jesus didn't have wheels.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: Homer, I think you hit something.
Homer: I hope it was Flanders!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
Marge: But we did win!
Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Showing Simpsons "outtakes."]
Troy McClure: If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure
gold!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood
with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene.
[The cape says "DRACULA."]
Kent Brockman: Police are baffled.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ranier Wolfcastle: The entire movie is two hours of me standing in front of a
brick wall. It cost 80 million dollars.
Jay Sherman: [says with disgust] How do you sleep at night?
Ranier Wolfcastle: On top of a big pile of money, with many beautiful ladies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jay Sherman: And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a
boil!
Homer: It was a Gummi Bear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg!
Smithers: He's unavaliable.
Mr. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maude Flanders: Neddy, I've had just about all I can take of Homer Simpson's
torso. I'll go get some hot dogs.
Ned Flanders: No foot-longs!
Maude Flanders: I know, they make you uncomfortable.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After getting school uniforms]
Bart: These uniforms suck!
Actor Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just
plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of
sucks who ever sucked!
Actor Marge: Homer!
Homer: Oh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are lookin' at me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Moe is describing a plan to Homer]
Moe: Okay Homer, this olive is you...
Homer: Mmm... me...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lisa, home with the mumps, watches a soap opera with Marge.]
Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
Actor Marge: Mmmmm, I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching
today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's
body is hidden in the boathouse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge
Snyder.
Actor Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over
his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly", and replace "dog"
with "son".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: You don't like your job, you don't strike! You go in every day and do it
really half-assed. That's the American way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Marge, can I go out and play?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry
for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell
enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and
find your dog.
Bart: You're right!
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats! I almost had him eating dog food.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Family, gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have
cable!
Bart, Lisa: Cable?!
Bart: All right!
Homer: That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us,
sixteen hours of quality programming a day!
Marge: I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think
we can afford this?
Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it.
Marge: Mmmm, are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Relax, Marge. Read this.
[Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable".]
Marge: "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most
movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam."
I don't know...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: [To Lisa] You stupid know-nothing know-it-all!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on
the breakdown of? Society.
Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Where's that music coming from?
Marge: And all the liquor!?
Homer: It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Redneck: Let's fight!
Other Redneck: Them's fightin' words!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Lurleen, wait!
Lurleen Lumpkin: Yeah?
Homer: I just wanted to say your song touched me deeply in a way I've never
felt before... and which way to the can?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lurleen Lumpkin: You know, no man's ever been nice to me without wanting
something in return.
Homer: Well, I *was* going to ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel
guilty about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Fanzo threw a Barbie in the fire and strangled a Krusty toy.]
Bart: Why is it destroying other toys?
Lisa: It must be programmed to do so to eliminate competition!
Bart: You mean like Microsoft?
Lisa: Yeah.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[While trying to get a convict's parole granted]
Convict: I shot a guy named Apu.
Marge: Hmmm...Well ALOT of people shoot Apu.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ralph Wiggum: Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ralph Wiggum: I found a moonrock in my nose!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smithers: Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for
having that affair with President Taft.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Skinner: I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I
believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Parole Board Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole", when
you could have said "pee-pee soaked heckhole".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Parole Board Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. McGreg: Dr. Nick Rivera! Remember me?
Dr. Nick: Why, if it isn't my old friend, Mr. McGreg. With a leg for an arm and
an arm for a leg.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Krustyburger manager: We need more secret sauce! Put this mayonnaise in the
sun!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving
a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place
that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few
complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are
performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.
Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer sits down in the middle of the night to eat cheese]
Homer: Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American Cheese...
[begins eating]
Homer: ...sixty-four...sixty-three...
[morning comes, Homer is still eating]
Homer: Two...one...
[Marge walks in]
Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent
advertising since my suit against the film "The Never-Ending Story".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: Oh, sure. We'd all love some *real* friends, Marge. But what are
the odds of that happening?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to
calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmm... forbidden donut.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: Oh, the network slogan is true! Watch FOX and be damned for all
eternity!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ralph Wiggum: That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the Police Chief here! Bake him away, toys.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir; King Arthur's
Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first
draft of the constitution with the word "suckers" in it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Springfield: Gentlemen, start your whacking!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Can't you do something for him?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how
damaged it is.
Homer: What an age we live in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an
ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals,
witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Plastic Surgeon: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove
the bandages, don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you.
[hands him a mirror]
Krusty the Clown: Aah! I look exactly the same, you moron!
Plastic Surgeon: Oh, nonsense! You look at least ten years younger! Plus, I did
your breasts.
Krusty the Clown: Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apu: I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed
work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Groundskeeper Willie: Boy... you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning!
Bart: You mean "Shining".
Groundskeeper Willie: Shhh! You want to get sued?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[playing a religious board game]
Lisa: Where are the dice?
Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked.
Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Hello, hospital? This is Lisa Simpson --
Hospital Secretary: Simpson? Look, we've already been down there tonight for a
sisterectomy, a case of severe butt rot, and a Leprechaun fight. How dumb do
you think we are?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police!
Now where did I put my badge?...Hey, that duck's got it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
State Comptroller Atkins: This grant ensures a light bulb in every classroom,
and a high-definition TV for the teachers lounge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton: I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me,
you are. Hell, I done it with pigs. Real, no-foolin' pigs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Janey: Well, that was a waste of time.
Lisa: Janey, school is never a waste of time!
Ms. Hoover: Class, since we have fifteen minutes until recess, please put your
pencils down and stare at the front of the room.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judge Snyder: The clown is down!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer is watching a television ad for the Naval Reserve]
TV Announcer: Daybreak, Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are
protecting America's intrests overseas, but your in Lubbuth, Texas hosing down
a statue, because your in the Naval Reserve. Once you complete basic training,
you only work one weekend a month, and most of that time your drunk of your
ass! The Naval Reserve: America's 17th line of defense, between the Mississippi
National Guard, and the American League of Women Voters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Gee, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so
we'd be teammates.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Wow Dad, you took the baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion
by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer! What did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: I've been playing the saxaphone for 30 years. I
want you to have it.
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: This isn't a saxaphone. It's an umbrella.
Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: So I've been playing the umbrella for 30 years?
Why didn't anyone ever tell me?
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Cause we all though it was funny.
Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: That's not funny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jasper: This seat taken, little girl?
Bart: I'm not a girl, are you blind?
Jasper: Yes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: What are you kids doing?
Bart & Lisa: Practicing tennis
Homer: That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each
other?
Bart: Foxy Boxing?
Homer: [disappointedly] Yes!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is *under*!
Lisa: Goodbye!
Homer: *bad*bye!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: We win again! But the real winners here are Marge's Hors
D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer is camping out to buy football tickets.]
Homer: Heh-heh-heh, I did it! Second in line, and all I had to do was miss
eight days of work.
Man: With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets
from a scalper.
Homer: In theory, yes.
[sotto voce]
Homer: Jerk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man On Street: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler.
Rabbi Krustofski: Could you re-phrase that as a philosophical question?
Man On Street: Uh, Is it right to buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh yes. Great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow
suspension.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Worker: Okay. What's your first name?
Homer: ...I don't know.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[About the hurricane]
Homer: Alright everyone, it's the standard Grampa drill... everyone into the
cellar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: You ugly hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey! I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but... uh.. what was that last
thing you said?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Foster: You are free to roam around the grounds but do be warned one of our
patients *is* a cannibal. Try to guess which one... I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Lisa, I want you to remember me just as I am right now, filled with
murderous rage
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Never fear! The cosmic fool is here!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. You really showed me how the
mother-daughter bond could survive adversity.
Amy Tan: No, no, that's not what I meant at all! I can't believe how wrong you
got it. Just sit down, I'm embarrassed for both of us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Mr. Simpson, you're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best
testing indicates.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, why are there children walking on my head?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Hibbert: We've given the word "mob" a bad name.
Marge: Church should help you with your everyday life!
Homer: It should, but it doesn't. Now who wants to go down to the
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clerk: Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of
it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone,
he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different
tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or
something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man
who's shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's
cartoon show?
[embarrassed pause]
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[starts eating a candy bar]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lisa flips through the card catalog]
Lisa: Let's see... Football... Football... "Homoeroticism in"... "Oddball
Canadian rules"... "Phyllis George and"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sideshow Bob: Rakes, my arch enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, Bart.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comic Book Guy: Ack! There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right
now!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comic Book Guy: [after being wheel barrowed into a hospital] Oooooooo.
Cheesburgers and loneliness are a dangerous mix.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we
can't be policing the entire city!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone!
Homer: Yeah! Do your own dirty work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bart has just described the island paradise he envisages]
Nelson Muntz: How many monkey butlers will there be?
Bart: One at first. But he'll train others.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such other nature
films as "Earwigs, Ew!" and "Man Vs Nature . . . The Road To Victory".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such other medical
films as "Mommy, What's On That Man's Face?" and "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ralph Wiggum: I bent my wookie!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ralph Wiggum: My cat's breath smells like cat food
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late.
Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't
risk that, so I'm not going!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Biatch? Me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show to a lukewarm
response.]
Homer: I liked it... right?
Homer's Brain: You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say
"d'oh..."
Homer: D'oh...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer: You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Everybody's afraid of something.
Homer: [smugly] Not everybody!
Marge: Sock puppets!
Homer: [shrieks in terror] Where? Where?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a
secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what". You are certainly are popular now
that you've become a Stonecutter.
Homer: Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings,
beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life.
These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the
order in which I joined.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smithers: I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last moments on
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless.
Sideshow Bob: Oh, I see. When it's one of *my* schemes you can't foil it fast
enough, but when *Cecil* tries to kill you, "it's hopeless, utterly, utterly
hopeless."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived
to tell about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Col. Leslie "Hap" Hapablap: We've searched this airbase from top to bottom,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Oh, this is the worst Fourth of July ever, I hate America!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Kiss my hairy yellow butt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
African tour guide: Night, night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs paralyze!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mayor Quimby: Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?
Mayor's Assistant: Dumber, sir.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bart and Lisa are watching Krusty's Prison Special]
Bart: Hey, those guys *love* Krusty! Inside every hardened criminal beats the
heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice-versa.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you
get the women.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grampa Simpson: My Homer is not a Communist... he may be a liar, a pig, an
idiot, a Communist... but he is *not* a porn star!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: [Ranting loudly] YURGIDDAFURDARATAARA!
Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down.
Homer: [Calmly and slowly] Yurgiddafurdarataara.
Marge: Think before you say each word.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to
resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: No TV and no beer make Homer something something...
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Eat my shorts!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Don't have a cow, man!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: When was the last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage? And
when it's time to do your laundry, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger
is looking out for Ray Bolger!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives
those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws,
why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun?
Well I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound
effects. Vroom! Beep! Honk! Honk! Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my
booze!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Harrison: It's been done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cop: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No.
[buzz]
Moe: All right, I did. But I didn't shoot him.
[ding]
Cop: Checks out. All right, sir. You're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
[buzz]
Moe: A date.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner with friends.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner alone.
[buzz]
Moe: Watching TV alone.
[buzz]
Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's
Secret catalog.
[buzz]
Moe: Sears catalog.
[ding]
Moe: Now will you unhook me already? I don't deserve this shabby treatment!
[buzz]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Ok Mr. Spielbergo I want you to do for me want Spielberg did for
Oskar Schindler.
Sr. Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno, Señor Burns es el diablo
Mr. Burns: Pish posh, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod we both made
shells for the Germans its just that mine worked!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leonard Nimoy: The story you are about to see is completely true. And by true,
I mean false. But isn't that really the greater truth? The answer is no.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as
for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: ...And the whole steel mill was gay.
Moe: Jeez, where ya been, Homer? The whole steel *industry's* gay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: I'm not lazy, I just... Lisa, finish my sentence for me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Guess who?
Cecil Terwilliger: Maris?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Cecil is about to blow up Sideshow Bob and Bart.]
Cecil Terwilliger: You may feel a slight ringing in your ears. Unfortunately,
you will be nowhere near them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every
other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find a half an hour a week in which to get
funky.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, but last night,
you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grampa Simpson: [typing letter] 'Dear Mr. President. There are too many states.
Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: But it's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field at a baseball game,
and you did it, last year!
[Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits
pennant"]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Marge, I wanna be a blackjack dealer.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: But it's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to appear on "The Gong Show", and you did it, in
1977!
[Homer has a flashback to him and Barney playing an oversized harmonica]
Homer: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Harrison: Hi, Homer, I'm George Harrison.
Homer: Wow! Where did you get that brownie!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Bergstrom: And for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys. Big guys,
who were great shots, and spent money freely.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: How was everyone's day at school?
Bart: Horrible!
Lisa: Pointless!
Marge: Exhausting! It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I've got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky & The Pope combined!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters
before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for
whomever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Krabappel: As you know, Bart, one day your permanent record will
disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisest jobs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Ramones insult Mr. Burns at his birthday party.]
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: Sir, those aren't...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Hover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow! A *blue car*!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Skinner: That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie,
the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the
classrooms.
Groundskeeper Willie: I warned ya about the colored chalk, didn't I warn ya?
That chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh Marge, stop blaming yourself all the time! Blame yourself once, and
move on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: It's everybody's fault but mine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sideshow Bob: [hypnotizing Bart] You are in my power.
Bart: [in a hypnotic voice] I am at your command.
Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say
so.
Bart: I am in your power.
Sideshow Bob: That's better. No, go back to command. I like that better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless.
Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I know!, if i sink to the bottom, I can run to shore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: That's it! I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Donuts - is there anything they can't do?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the
moon! What was his name? Apollo Creed?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has been awake all
night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep himself.]
Manjula: [Waking Apu up.] Apu, it's 4:00 am, your late for work!
Apu: [Wakes Up.] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died!
Manjula: Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college!
Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smithers: Is this really necessary sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it
is.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but not completely full, for you see...
[singing]
Maid: Kill two for matching clogs!
Mr. Burns: Oh please won't you see... my... Vest!
Smithers: I gathered, yah...
Lisa: He's gonna make a suit out of our puppies!
Bart: [still humming the tune] na na na na na na naa naaaa
Lisa: Bart!
Bart: Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: Let this be a lesson to you - kids never learn!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apu: And Paul here wrote a song called "Live and Let Live".
Paul McCartney: Actually Apu, it was "Live and Let Die".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Lenny and Carl suck! Oh, don't tell them I said that Marge, because I
don't want to lose their dear freindship.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barney: I think we'd be all better off if each country had it's own planet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Bart, Pablo Neruda says "the eyes are the window to the soul".
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: You know Bart, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul".
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Spingfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president is on it?
Homer: Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on
the couch.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kang and Kodos have taken the form of Bob Dole and Bill Clinton.]
Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey
my brutal commands. End communication.
Marge: That's Slick Willy for you, always with the smooth talk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you?
Kang: It does not matter which way you vote! Either way your planet is doomed!
Doomed! Doomed!
Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshing bit of candor from Senator Bob Dole!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth Hoover: I fail to see the educational value of this assembly.
Mrs. Krabappel: Ah, it will be one of their few pleasant memories when they're
pumping gas for a living.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh, why do we have to go to Japan? If we wanted to see Japanese people
we could just go to the zoo!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? There's a guy who works in the lion's den named Takeshi! He's
Japanese!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Ahhh sweet pity... what would my love life be without it ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Professor Ludwig: Ms. Simpson, do you think there is something funny about the
term tromboner?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In the Michael Crichton & Stephen King Bookstore]
Hans Moleman: Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?
Storekepper: Get out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: It looks like Santa's Little Helper is trying to climb over his
girlfriend but he can't make it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apu: I'm gonna party like its on sale for $19.99
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Snake: [busts open a loaded cash register] Oh... Good-bye student loan
payments!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one
crushing defeat after another until you finally just wish Flanders was dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice
that says "Think!"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: [sobbing] I'm ugly, dad!
Homer: No you're not. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: You have to say that; you're my dad.
Homer: No I don't.
[Grampa walks by]
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?"
Grampa Simpson: No, you're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer: [to Lisa:] See?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grampa Simpson: Quick, we have to kill the boy!
Marge: How did you know he's a vampire?
Grampa Simpson: He's a vampire? Ahhhhh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God
must feel when he's holding a gun.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: This gun has made me lose everything... my family, my friends,
everything but my precious, precious gun.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun.
Homer: But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in
here and start pushing you around.
[Homer starts pushing Lisa around]
Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?
Lisa: No...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Ohhh, stupid movies! Who invented these dumb things, anyway?
[menacingly]
Homer: Was it you, Bart?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe! Just like elves, and gremlins, and
Eskimos.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the
world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grampa Simpson: Son, you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a
stranger offers you a ride, I'd say take it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous!
Maude Flanders: Isn't that Homer Simpson?
Ned Flanders: Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Dad, is this art or is it vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lisa is playing goalie for a minor hockey team.]
Lisa: Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the
face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!
Homer: Wow! Eye of a tiger, mouth of a Teamster!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Krusty the Clown: You, sir, are an idiot!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Trying is the first step towards failure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Is this episode going on the air live ?
June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible
strain on the animator's wrist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Where's the "Any" key?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet! Apple polisher! Butt kisser!
Homer: Bart! You're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At the Hockey Championships...]
Homer: This is it, Marge. It's your child against my child. The winner will be
showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is
sore!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was
mysteriously blown away.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer's rocket has just caused severe damage to the church.]
Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so much, it's lost all meaning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Who is this gastropod?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lenny: There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
Carl: Vengeange isn't too bad either
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something parents
made up to scare children, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: Who'd have thought a whale would be so heavy?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After picking up the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern! Hold on, I'll check.
[To the bar]
Moe: Hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my
butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
[the bar laughs]
Moe: Oh, wait a minute!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ralph Wiggum: Hi Principal Skinner! Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grampa Simpson: I was on the PT-109 with John F. Kennedy. We were the first to
discover his horrible secret.
[flashback]
John Kennedy: A um ah, Ich bin ein Berliner.
Grampa Simpson: He's a Nazi, get him!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sideshow Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What
Cecil Terwilliger: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Um, do you know what you're doing?
Sideshow Bob: Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without
learning a *few* things about dynamite.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or
'teria.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Troy McClure: Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me
from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and
"Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car
unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins and...
[Fades]
Homer: What'd he say? What about my car?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Duff book of records: Springfield is now the fastest city in the U.S.
Homer: Woo Hoo! In your face Milwaukee!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Homer, we can't take his money!
Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work
for my money! Why don't I just lay down and die!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmm... unexplained bacon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire, and lots of it.
Marge: Oh, that's your cure for everything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: I'm back...
Marge: Did you rent "Waiting to Exhale"?
Homer: [sadly] No... they put me on the "Waiting to Exhale" waiting list, but
told me not to hold my breath.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
Marge: That's your hat!
Lou: She's good, chief.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[a gay pride parade is marching past the Simpson home]
Gay men: We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!
Lisa: We are used to it! You do this every year!
Gay man: Aww, you take all the fun out of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Smithers do you think you could dig up Al Joleson?
Smithers: Ummm.... Remember we tried that?
Mr. Burns: Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is
something I'd like to forget.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Smithers and Mr. Burns at the Casino]
Smithers: Sir, Robert Goulet still hasn't arrived.
Mr. Burns: Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Robert Goulet arrives with Bart at his treehouse Casino]
Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the Casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I'd better
call my manager....
Nelson Muntz: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: But I can't leave the country. What about my wife and kids?
Smithers: That can be shipped.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do
you just wanna squabble and waste time?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ralph Wiggum: The doctor said I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I kept my
finger outta there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Save me Jeebus!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in
the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are seven hundred million of us!
Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Skinner: Curse the man who discovered helium! Curse Pierre Jules
César Janssen!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cartoonist: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just
buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?
[backpedaling]
Cartoonist: Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
[pause]
Cartoonist: I'm fired, aren't I?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: The Who will be playing tonight at Springfield's historic Yahoo
Search Engine Arena.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns: Woah, slow down there maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Restaurant Owner: C'Mon! You gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man
eat a bowl of change!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: [Drunk, and talking to family counselor] The thing about my family is
that there are five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, The one that doesn't talk,
and the fat one. Oh, how I loathe him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: This is it, the last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in, I'll
have to quit drinking!
Homer's Liver: Woo-hoo!
Homer: Quiet, you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie]
Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?
Marge: [Reading pamphlet): It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult
explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: Slink away boys, slink away.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mel Gibson: I'm too old for this.
Homer: How old are you, anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to...
Homer: Sorry I asked.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Feeling stupid? I know I am.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: I wasn't going to gamble! I just wanted a Bloody Mary.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fidel Castro: Ahhh, the Americans aren't *so* bad, they named a street after me
in San Francisco.
[Aide whispers in his ear]
Fidel Castro: It's full of *what*?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair.]
Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO! They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB!
[Bart stares at Homer]
Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: [To Mr. Burns, who is going to steal some paintings] Mr. Burns, can you
take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between
right and wrong!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the
Field of Excellence awards show]
Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I've ever seen.
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief
Barney: Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
Bronson: I shot him.
Barney: Well that's... what?!
Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop.
[cocks gun]
Bronson: ["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened
after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open
all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find one?
Marge: [crying] We...went...fishing!
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions
of a man whose had ALL he could eat?
[the jury is made up of fat, obese people]
Jury: No, no.
Jury Man: No, that couldn't 've been me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ralph Wiggum: At this time we have no leads but I can safely say that Apu
didn't suffer.
Lou: It looks like he suffered to me chief.
Ralph Wiggum: Aw jeeze Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this
stuff?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Wow, it *is* the seventies, right down to the smallest detail!
Marge: Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta!
Bartender: Yeah, *looks* like...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Burns and Smither have been watching Bart Simpson's human interest story on
ducks. Burns is crying.]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, Sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Flanders has been trying to convince Mr. Burns to support recycling.]
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, sounds delightful! I can't wait to start pawing through
my garbage like some crotchety old racoon!
[To Smithers]
Mr. Burns: Release the hounds.
[To Flanders]
Mr. Burns: Well, neighbor, I see you have your running shoes on. That's a good
thing!
Ned Flanders: Aaahhhh!
[He sees the hounds coming and runs away.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leon Kompowsky: [In Michael Jackson's voice] Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from the
Jacksons!!!
Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh... Uh, better
start with Greek town.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail]
Marge: What if something goes wrong?
Homer: pffft...what if...what I slipped on a bar of soap in the shower?... Oh
my god! I'd be killed!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Just so you don't hear any crazy rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in
Australia.
Homer: Pfff. That's no reason to block the TV.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Professor Fink theme song]
Professor Frink: Professor Fink, Professor Fink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make
you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: In your face, space coyote!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bart is faking illness to get out of a test he hasn't prepared for]
Bart: Ohhhh, my ovaries!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barney Gumble: [drinking beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just
stopped!
[pauses]
Barney Gumble: Oh, there it goes!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[playing a word game]
Bart: Kwijybo. I win, I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere 'til you
tell me what a Kwijybo is.
Bart: Kwijybo. A big dumb balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb balding ape!