A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".
The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies " Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

A woman says to her girlfriend, "My husband has dandruff."
"So give him Head and Shoulders."
Her friend answers. "OK, how do I give Shoulders?"

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.
He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, and places his dick on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks.
"This is a clock shop!"
He replied, "I know it is. And I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

One night a man was drinking in a bar and he had to go to the bathroom. While he was going, he noticed that there were three black men next to him at the urinals.
He happened to look down and was shocked to see that one of the men had a white penis. He quickly finished and went back to the bar. He told the bartender that he had just seen the strangest thing when he was in the bathroom.
The bartender asked him what he saw. "Well, while I was taking a leak, I looked over and next to me were three black guys and one of them had a white dick!" he said.
"Oh, those weren't black men," the bartender said, "they are all coal miners and apparently one of them went home for lunch."

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"
"$75 dollars," said the first.
The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.
$20 dollars replies the third. The first two start laughing hysterically.
"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad. That evening the second boy asked his dad.
His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."
The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.
The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

One day there was four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. "I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"