I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

No one pays attention until you make a mistake.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

If I save time, when do I get it back?

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Are you sure you are 17? I want a recount!

Born free. Taxed to death.

If "pro" is the opposite of "con", is progress the opposite of congress?

All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.

Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.

Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going.

If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.

It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks.

I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it.

Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.

Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.

Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.

Constant change is here to stay.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Don’t be old until you have lived!

Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today’s good stuff.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!

Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.