Dearest...

I have been thinking for the past 2 years, of what kind of letter I need to send to u……and I simply can’t find the balance between the “supportive of you” me and “the concerned about myself” me.

So I am just going to separate them for right now, because I cant blend them in one voice.

The “supportive me” tells you to concentrate on your studies, and to know that I totally understand the challenges you are facing, and that you have my support, my trust and my confidence in you. I am sure, it may seem overwhelming now, but once you actually start doing things, plan everything carefully, get a better glimpse of what is expected, you will do great. It’s also wonderful that you finally will be doing things on your own... and ambiguity & vagueness will hopefully be replaced by some clarity and a sense of accomplishment.

Well, here is the “concerned me”. Who am I to you?... just one of your pals? How can it possible be that you can even consider not seeing me for a lengthy period of time? I went for a short walk today, and I felt how much I would want to share this glorious day with you. What do you want to share with me? Is seeing me essential to you, or it’s just something you would probably want to do, but feel quite content if it does not happen?

My loving heart (forgive me for using the forbidden word) is hurting. I am very confused. I don’t think I have accurately conveyed to you, the challenges of my life. I truly understand that you are going through very exciting and significant changes in your life, and I am very sensitive to that. But my heart fails to understand, how it is possible for you, not to be willing to negotiate time and make some sacrifices, unless I have a very marginal position in your life.

I am sincere to you… and my sincerity is not a sign of my insecurity. As a human being, I am at times very vulnerable and uncertain, but in general, I am secure about myself. I think that softness and humility are actually signs of strength. I am also appalled by the idea that, one needs to appear distant and reserved, in order to stimulate and maintain another person’s interest. Though self-sufficiency is important, of course, because no one can truly make us happy, but us, and the source of happiness is inside the person, and not outside.

I spent almost 13 months away from you; I never felt that we were really apart. I am willing to take trains/planes and find rides, and I find it to be effortless because for me it is essential to spend some time with you. I am not suggesting here any pattern or insisting that I am right and you are wrong. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. But I want you to know what I think and how I feel, and, of course, I want to know what you feel.

I don’t intend this letter to have any shades of disappointment and bitterness. I respect you very much as well as your independence and autonomy. I am striving to have a peace in my heart, and I understand that harmony can be only found in mutuality, and mutuality is rather a gift than a conscious effort. I think, however, that it is very important to have an honest communication, and that’s why I am writing this letter to you.

Thank you for reading it.

XXXX.

I can continue keeping my fingers crossed and sending my humble prayers, but it’s only good if we both know what we need and that we need each other.