Dennis Is Sexy

My Favorite Things About Amanda

• Shes so smart
• Shes really pretty
• She Loves me more than life
• Shes super funny

Hey Dennis I told you I would fix it...I love you bye...*s* He he

Friday, February 08, 2002- Lying in my bed at night, its dark and so cold, i`m so very alone. All i need is a familiar face, a familiar voice. A face and voice i`ve grown quite accustomed to. But its still dark and cold, and that voice and face are not there, i`m so very alone right now, i`m so very alone all the time. I begin to cry and my tears freeze onto my face, i gasp for one last breath as i feel myself fading away. I`m alone. My worst fear. I just need to laugh with her one more time and i`d be fine, at least for now. I am co-dependent and its frightening. Love like this only comes around once in your life time, if you are lucky. So when you find love like this, don`t throw it away, you`ll regret it forever when you are 90 and alone and cold.

Saturday, February 09, 2002 - I wish i had a Sylvia Plath, busted tooth and a smile. And cigarette ashes in her drink, the kind that goes out and then sleeps for a week. The kind that goes out on her, to give me a reason, for well, i dunno. And maybe she`d take me to FRANCE. Or maybe to SPAIN and she`d ask me to dance, in a mansion on the top of a hill. She`d ash on the carpets and slip me a pill. Then she`d get me pretty loaded on gin, and maybe she`d give me a bath. How i wish i had a Sylvia Plath. And she and I would sleep on a boat and swim in the sea without clothes, with rain falling fast on the sea. While she was swimming away, she`d be winking at me, telling me it would all be okay. Out on the horizon and fading away and i`d swim to the boat and i`d laugh. I gotta get me a Sylvia Plath

Jack Kerouac: "...the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!" - On The Road

Monday, February 11, 2002 - When they call your name, will you walk right up, with a smile on your face or will you cower in fear in your favorite sweater, with an old love letter i wish you would come pick me up, take me out, fuck me up, steal my records, screw all my friends, they`re all full of shit, with a smile on your face and then do it again, I wish you would. When you`re walking downtown. Do you wish i was there? Do you wish it was me? With the windows clear and the manniquins eyes. Do they all look like mine? I wish you`d make up my bed so i could make up my mind, try it for sleeping instead, maybe you`ll rest sometime, i wish i could.

Friday, Feb. 16th 2002 - i`m goin to be bluntly honest, because apparentely thats what you are suppose to do in journals. I feel so alone in this floating round thing we call Earth. Like i am the only person who exists on here and i`m suppose to do something important here by myself. I know techinically i`m not by myself but for the better part of each and every bloody week i am, and you know why?? i wish you did, so you could tell me. I`m not in any way feeling sorry for myself, and i may be bitching, but so fucking what, its my journal and i`ll do whatever i want. Why is the text being written like this??! UGH GOD! i hate today...FUCK ME! i`m going now..to bed..alone..and defeated. "Don`t be surprised if i love you for all that you are."

Wednesday Feb. 20, 2002 I am a moody asshole. Yes i am. I don`t even realise that i do it sometimes, but i do. Amanda was over today and i`m sure she had a rotten time because i was bitchy towards her and i didn`t even realise it. The last thing i want is to hurt her in any way, and i know that sometimes i do, and i want to say i`m sorry but sorry just doesn`t seem like enough. Anyone can say they are sorry for what they do but i dunno. She told me she knows that in my heart and soul i only do what i think is best, but that sounds like something she would say about Dennis Leblanc! am i becoming that??! Is she one day goin to look at me like that? I need to make a few changes and i need to STOP BEING SENSITIVE. But how do i do that? I dunno, but i just will, for her sake, she deserves better than that. I do not want to be the guy who makes Amanda Burbidge sad. Thats not what i was meant to do. I know i`ve made her happy in the past, i just want to continue to do that. I want I want I want! i want too much, i expect too much, go with the flow, whatever happens happens, don`t try to plan out your future. At least i`m in a position to realise this and do something about it, i care enough about her and us to do that. I love her and can`t lose her, but i`m afraid i will, who wants a moody boyfriend??! NOT ME! :) Anyways, she seemed mad when she left tonight, she didn`t look at me and just said an abrupt BYE. I feel awful...goin to bed, night

Sunday March 3rd, 2002 Today i went to church with Amanda in Springfield. I had a really good time actually. I always worry though that i`m not making her happy anymore, i just keep getting a feeling from her that i`m not, why would she be? I`m never happy, how could i ever make her happy? Thats not true, i am happy when i`m with her, i guess, and this is going to sound really corny but when i`m with her i feel like the luckiest guy on this fucking planet. All i have to do is look at her beautiful dark brown eyes and realise just how lucky i am. The thing is, i sometimes don`t think i deserve this. I know i can make her happy, i just need to make myself happy as well. Ironically enough, Amanda`s dads sermon today, part of it was about love and it made me think about her and I. I can`t even put into words the way she makes me feel, 6MONTHS LATER!!! this is amazing. But just like everything good thats ever happened to me, it fades away with time. But i have to hold on to this. I`m afraid Amanda isn`t going to put up with my sadness for much longer and move on to someone who can make her happy. Fuck, i can`t blow it, not this time, and i`m not going to. I`m tired of feeling sorry for myself, i need to realise that when Amanda tells me she loves me, she means it and that should be good enough for me. Amanda, i know you are reading this (if you are not Amanda, then..who are you and what are you doing reading my journal?), I want you to know i love you and don`t let my moodiness fool you, you never do anything wrong, its ME!!!! You know as well as i do that i`m over sensitive and take things to much to heart, ITS NEVER YOUR FAULT! (unless you sack me) THATS YOUR FAULT! :) Anyways, i`m tired of feeling sad!!! Amanda, i love you :)

Mon. March 18, 2002 The Last Day: We hold hands as we walk thru the big crowded building knowing that this is it. I feel her hand grow tighter as we grow so close to that moment i`ve been dreading and yet so further away from each other. I look back on the last few months and think of nothing but the happy times. So many memories, but its hard. Its hard to think back to a time where we thought we knew everything, when we had our whole lives mappped out for us. But then reality set in. She looks at me, i look at her. We don`t say anything, only start to cry as i grab hold of her and hold her like i`ve never held anyone before, a feeling that will no doubt stick with me forever. But its time to let go. i kiss her gently, letting her know that everything will be alright. She smiles, i hold back the tears and manage a smile, even though its the last thing i feel like doing right now. She begins to walk away from me, and i have no choice to let her go. Come back i say to myself, but i know that even if she could hear me, she couldn`t. She turns and quickly walks away from me, faster than i expected. There. Just like that. Its over. I stand there by myself, back to where i was so long ago. Before she came into my life. Now what....?

Wednesday, April 17, 2002 Well, another Tuesday has gone and past...i love Tuesday, you know why? Its the one day of the week that i get to see the only thing that matters to me, Amanda. She only left awhile ago (its 12:25AM) and i already miss that girl. We had a really good time tonight, as we usually do, worked out a few things, so all in all it was a terrific night. I learned a new word tonight too, the word "pussy" Its not what you think....ahh who am i kidding, yes it is. Anyways, the one thing that does tick me off today is the fact that when other people know that someone is involved with someone else, they think it is ok to MOLEST THEM! What the fuck?! Doesn`t anyone have any fucking common sense anymore? If you know someone or have a friend who has a girlfriend or boyfriend, respect that person, that persons signifigent other and their relationship by FUCKING OFF. Grow a fucking brain! And on that note, i love amanda burbidge. Amanda always says i never write anything positive about her in here, well tonight is a different kind`ve night. Amanda, if you`re reading this, i love you, you make me happy and i want to marry you so spread the word. "I THINK MY BUS IS BROKEN!" "Using detergent as dedorant will give you a RUSH!" Bye Bye!

Friday, April 26 2002 "have you ever seen an idealist with gray hairs on his head, or successful men that keep in touch with unsuccessful friends? you only think you did. i could have sworn i saw it too, but as it turns out it was just a clever ad for cigarettes." -pedro the lion

bruce lee said: "suppose you come home and find some guys have battered a friend. first, you're going to think about what you should do. then you're going to try to figure out how. but suppose, instead of a friend, you come home and find your mother battered. wham! you're ready--that's pure attitude."

This cat is asking if I've seen his little lost passion I told him: "Yeah, but only when I pedaled past him" -aesop rock

Ok Ok enough quotes for one entry. I seem to be in a bitter mood right now, i guess its because on Tuesday i had a great day, on Thursday i had a great day, but Friday, bein today, not so great. I dunno why, these things happen right? You don`t really need a particular reason to have a bad day you just do. No one wants a bad day, so if you could control it, everyone would have a good day everyday. Its not like you`re gonna wake up one morning and say, "You know what? I want to have a bad day today, i want to be fucking miserable all day!" Therefore, its a proven fact, you can`t control it. Its bound to happen. Anyways, i`m just not too pleased with a few people today thats all. Nothing big, i always get over it, and they know it, which is why i think they act nonchalant about it for the most part. "Oh, it doesn`t matter, he`ll get over it."

Saturday, April 27th are you still into it? 'cause i'm still into it. but we haven't had sore bits, for about a fortnight. am i your only one? 'cause you're still my only one. but if you need more, i'll just do it it's alright. we should go into town, and spend some money. we could go to the pictures, and see something funny. we can share the popcorn, and go to the pub at night. we can get right tanked up, and go home and have a fight. will you still miss me, when i'm gone? is there love there, even when i'm gone? will you still kiss me, if you find out? i will now leave you. don't follow me around. we could go into town, and spend some money. go to the pictures, go and see something funny. share a popcorn and when it's finished we could go to the pub at night. and get really pissed, and go home and have a fight.

Wednesday, May 1 "Obvious endless horizons, obvious beautiful skies. Is there something wrong with me, or with your obvious beautiful eyes"
I think he's one of those weirdos, you know the ones, he listens to all that strange music with all that awful screaming... Britney is so cool and popular and famous and she doesnt need to scream. some people...
AMANDA - Amanda rides her horse to where shes needed, to where everything is perfect and life can unfold itself right before your eyes and if you blink you will miss it. But she won`t miss it...she has seen it already and knows exactly what to do and where to go. The horse neighs and begins to run in the general direction of hope. At the end of her ride, she will be greeted with the man named Mr. I-Told-You-Things-Would-Work-Out. He doesn`t look like what you pictured. He`s not the man she thought would be there waiting for her..

GOBLIN FARMLAND - She takes off her clothes on the goblin farmland, to feel like a girl again. Sun comes into the kitchen window and reflects off her cornflakes box. Windwill man from downstairs comes in to check on his tariffs. She excuses herself from the table and makes her way to the outhouse. The door is locked, the wind begins to howl, here comes the sex police. She dances to escape them, she can`t get arrested, not again. Oh, goblin farmland, if only these fields could talk.

If you have ever been in love, you don`t need me to tell you that sometimes the feeling is too overwhelming. I have experience all these feelings and emotions i never knew i had, and i know that sounds fucking cheesy, but its true. I didn`t think i could ever feel this way, love for another person, just one girl. But i have...and now i don`t know what to do with myself. Not one minute goes by when i don`t think about her. Not one...what is it about her that intrigues me so much? Well i ever know...i hope not, because i think the only way i`ll ever know is if i lose her...like the old saying goes, "You don`t know what you have until you lose it.", or something like that. Some people are lucky enough to experience love more than once in their life, some poeple go thoroughout life never knowing what it feels like. I want to be one of those people who only experience love for the first time, because i think the truest form of love can only happen once. Is love eternal? If so, why do people fall in and out of love? If you`re in love with someone, how can you ever fall in love with someone else? I know i`m in love, and i`m in love for life. Maybe i`m being overly optimistic here, but i think i`m not going out on any kind`ve limb here by saying that. Of course it takes two to make a relationship work, but i know she loves me, i know she feels the same way, we share a bond like no others do. Why does everyone else get to spend so much time together and we don`t? These other people who aren`t in love...only the idea of being in love. They want so desperately to feel that, that they lie to themselves every night...they can`t do any better than the person they are with and so they settle and claim that love. Its sad really, i know...i`ve been there. Those who don`t deserve good things, always receive them. We have to work at this. I love Amanda and she loves me, i`m confident enough to say that on her behalf, i`m tryin so hard to not be so pessimistic and paranoid and jealous...i sometimes slip up, and i`m sorry for that...I am truly happy right now...i hope she is too. :)

May 2 2002: so i saw this guy running at full speed down the street the other day. he was wearing a furry hat and carrying a flag with a hammer and a sickle on it....he was really rushin'.

May 7 2002: The beauty within is loneliness, she peels back the skin to reveal to the world. She longs to feel wanted and loved, just the same way as she always does. But she`s not feeling it...its not there anymore, maybe it wasn`t to begin with. She shelters herself now to the outside world, shes afraid to love again. She feels she is the only one who can actually really love someone back, but she needs to be loved too..its not fair sometimes.

Its such a perfect springtime midnight, walking through the city, walking home from a movie. (warm water under a red bridge) There is a song in my head, the air is crisp and smells like flowers. My head is clear, i`m smiling at the people passing by trying to make eye contact, looking for treasure in the garbage cans that line the street. I pass a pile of wooden planks, two by fours, four by sixes. Steel poles, broom sticks. Suddenly i am overcome with the urge to pick something up and smack the head of the next random passer by. The real strange thing is, it is not a hateful thing, it does not feel angry or violent. I am giggling as a muscle bound boy walking his dog approaches. Normally i am a nice guy...really i am. -p.

May 9, 2002: Broken hearts, broken dreams and broken straws. Loved and left like a toy.I`m going away forever, say this last goodbye. My corpse is gonna have my ugly thoughts but it`ll be young and beautiful. or maybe i`ve gone to Mexico. I hope that you`ll get everything that you care to possess, and unbelievable sex with him...*the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return* For all i`m worth. I`m sorry. Summers here lead to broken hearts and drama spills, forced blood on these ruined tears, and its all just a memory.Promises mean nothing to those empty hearts. Lovers quarrel, friends lost, stolen love, new wounds. All i wanted was love, love in the eyes of romance.Were these screams not loud enough? Was this love not enough? I wasn`t enough.

May 11th 2002: Well last night i hung out with some old friends i hadn`t seen in awhile. It was ok, but i`m not the same guy i was back then. I`ve changed, they haven`t. I got a lot of flack last night for not smoking pot but i stuck to it, where maybe a year ago i would`ve caved in completely. They`re good guys and everything but we really don`t have much in common anymore. I`m supposed to go to a party tonight but i don`t think i will, i have no desire to get drunk or anything like that. However, its not like i have so much more to do anyways, i guess i should take what i can get. Other than that, i`m pretty happy today, i`m hoping this eternal sadness will soon end, maybe i just need to make a few changes in my life. I dunno...i get kind`ve lonely alot lately, which is weird for me because i`m used to it, but its been bothering me lately. Kinda wish i could spend more time with Amanda but i know that is impossible, but thats ok. Anyways, i`m off

May 13th 2002: Well things seem to be back to normal with me now, i`m no longer in this everlasting mood of sadness which seemed to have been pissing everyone off lately. I feel really good about who i am now...the whole straight edge thing is really making me happy. Could be because i no longer want to poison my body and mind anymore. I think in all honestly, i`m in the best place i`ve ever been right now. I have a beautiful girlfriend who i love with so much passion ( i didn`t know i had it in me) and who means so much to me, its unreal. I`m really looking forward to the future now...getting out of here and finding a really good job, thats what i`m hoping for. Anyways, i just want to apologize to Amanda for making her sad because of my own sadness, i`m really sorry, i love you sweetie and i promise that i`ll be the best boyfriend i can be for you, since you do such a good job for me. I love you

wednesday may 22nd - almost ten days since i last wrote in here, haven`t really felt like writing much lately. Probably due to lack of stuff to write about maybe. Anyways, yesterday was Tuesday, which means Amanda was over to see me. I seem to have my whole paranoia issue worked out, i honestly trust her now. I know we began on a bumpy start, but i can`t always think that thats going to happen again. We`re in a completely different place now then we were back in the fall. The other night we got into a mini fight i guess, i said something really stupid, she got mad at me and said that she sometimes thinks she doesn`t know me at all, which really hurt. Then i said i always thought you did and apparentely, even though i don`t remember her saying it, she said so do i. Anyways, she says she didn`t mean it, so, what can i do? It was just weird...thats all. Sounds like something you say when you`re fed up and want to break up, but thats just me. Regardless, i love her with all heart.

Tuesday May 28th - Today is Tuesday...something doesn`t seem right...hmmmmmm, i wonder.

Friday May 31st For the last little while i have felt really empty inside. I`m beginning to believe that i rely to heavily on other people to provide me with happiness. I can`t do that anymore. I have to learn to make myself happy. Right now, as i`m writing this, i feel so alone and it hurts so much. I feel like i don`t have anything to do, anyone to talk to, nothing. I know it always sounds like i`m feeling sorry for myself, but believe me, im not the kind of guy that feels sorry for himself. I usually bottle up everything inside, so when i do actually write about it, you know things aren`t good. This isn`t anyones fault but my own. I put myself in these situations and i surround myself with people who i shouldn`t surround myself with. Everything seems different now...no one understands what i`m feeling and no one will. Its also so hot today that its unreal. Summer is here almost. Last summer seemed so long ago...how things have changed since then.

Monday June 3rd The word "love" isn`t something i take for granted anymore. I remember when i was young, i told my first girlfriend, i was like 14, that i loved her, even though i didn`t even know what love was, i just thought its what i had to say, that thats what she wanted to hear and that thats what would make her happy. Year after year, girl after girl, i would pretend to be happy with the person i was with, but deep down inside, i knew i wasn`t. See, i have this problem called lack of love which stems from me being very little and believe or not, being a loud mouth show off because i was desperately trying to get some attention from my parents. I didn`t care about being popular or having alot of friends, all i cared about is maybe having one person, a male buddy, or a special girl who would somehow make me feel the love that i so deserately wanted to give and share with someone else. It was becoming quite apparent that i would never fall in love, that i would be one of those guys who would go through life dating girl after girl and then getting tired or unhappy and having to break up and be alone again. Why did i constantly feel that way? Because i wasn`t truly in love. I know this now...and you wanna know how you know this now? You just do...you know when you are truly in love, i can`t explain how it happened, it just did. I fell in love with someone over a year ago, a friend actually who was the best friend i had ever had. Someone who i could trust and laugh with and just be myself for a change. It was like a blessing after so much bullshit happened i had to deal with. It is sickening how much i love this girl. And for some reason, i know she loves me, but i always question it. Maybe its because the slightest thought of ever being without her is terrifying. I couldn`t go on without her, its pointless. Thats how i know i`m in love. I miss that girl every waking minute of every day. But i somehow manage to get through it because i know another day will soon come when i can see her again. Sometimes things get weird between us...like the past few days *lol* But i think things are back on track again, i hate when that happens. I get so worried about how she feels about me that i start acting weird and not like myself because i`m sad inside, not because of what she is doing or feeling but what i think she is doing or feeling. I guess in the end, its fate and if fate decides we shouldn`t be together, then who am i to argue with fate? I`m not God, i can`t make someone love me...these things just happen. Anyways...i don`t know why i`m writing this, i know no one reads it, its just good sometimes to write things out that i`m feeling. I had a dream one time that she didn`t exist, that i was living a life without her in it. Actually, it wasn`t a dream...it was a nightmare.

Wednesday June 5th - The river that never ceases to run is beginning to run dry. 4000 people gather around as they bid farewell. It is now time to say goodbye. For the longest time, the river represented happiness and love, and everyone was so envious of all the joy. But now, its over, just like everything has to end eventually. As the people say goodbye and slowly walk away from the bank, a little girl drops a rose into the empty river in hopes that one day the river will carry that rose downstream again.

Sunday June 9th - Being in love is hard sometimes...and scary. You know what else is scary? Not being in love

Tuesday June 18 - This is the sound of empty rooms, of old dirty newspapers, of staircases that climb to steep. This is the sound of a 1000 lonely people, crying to each other, but no one will listen. This is the sound of tap shoes dancing, horses running through water and facepainters painting. This is the sound of a guy who is lost, lonely, confused and not sure what to do. This is the sound of a long summer day, of the dew on the grass, of the wind on the harbour. This is the sound of a heart being broken, get involved with yourself, a lot less broken hearts. But lastly, this is the sound of a girl in a dress as she looks so happy for the first time in her life. Something needs to make her happy if it can`t be me.

June 21 - wow! Am i ever tired of being and feeling alone! I`m also tired of people making comments about myself not having a job, i`m fed up beyond belief. Not that i have to justify myself to anyone, but i am trying, without any luck, i am depressed and i feel like i`ve hit rock bottom, just leave me alone, worry about yourself and keep your comments to yourself , thank you. UGH! Is life supposed to suck like this? Is it too much to ask to want to be happy, i don`t think so myself. I`m so tired of whining all the time...so i`ll stop. Anyways, i`m gonna go hang out with myself some more, goodbye.

June 23rd - Something went terribly wrong. I cant seem to find you. I saw you, thats for sure, you were standing feet away from. Wishing every one a night to remember. I went to grab your hand, to tell you I would be right back, but the rush of movement made me miss the direction you went in. I tried to call your name, but it never came off the tip of my tongue. Hand raised in the effort to make you some how appear in the direction I stared in. Vanished... what was it I needed to tell you. That I would see you at home, see you tommorow, that this was it, never again. My memory just seems to be exhausted. I just keep walking down the same street, saying your name in my head, sounding it out, trying to bring my lips to push the words out. how many nights has it been, countless times i have done this, been right there, waited at the door for you to walk in, by the curb for you to come out.... searched the bar. Your still here, but where?

i'll try to describe the way that it felt to tell my own mother her son is a failure (his heart is too cold to love anyone but himself). it's like stabbing an icicle straight through your chest. your whole body shivers as it courses your blood. and your quivering throat keeps choking on those words: "momma, i tried a thousand times. i'm frozen to the core. your son is a glorious mess who wrecks anything he adores". but deep in his center he swears there's a candle just waiting to burn. and melt... so, who's gonna burn him? yeah...who's gonna break him?

June 24th - To calm this girl down, to get her to listen, i tell her the story about my fish. this is fish number six hundred and forty-one in a lifetime of goldfish. my parents bought me the first one to teach me about loving and caring for another living breathing creature of god. six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing i know is everything you love will die.

everytime you masturbate a ninja chops the head off a kitten and doesnt even care... please... think of the kitten

welcome to the real world," she said to me, condescendingly. "take a seat, take your life, plot it out in black and white." i never lived the dreams of the prom kings and the drama queens. i'd like to think that the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve. and all the good boys and girls take the so-called right track, faded white hats grab the credits and get the transfers. they've read all the books but they can't find the answers. and all our parents are getting older. i wonder if they've wished for anything better, while in their memories--tiny tragedies. i want to run through the halls of my high school. i want to scream at the top of my lungs. i've just found out there's no such thing as the real world, just a lie we've got to rise above. i just can't wait for my ten year reunion--i'm gonna bust down the double doors. and when i stand on these tables before you, you will know what all this time was for. - John Fucking Mayer, No Such Thing

Today I met a great new friend Who knew me right away It was funny how she understood All I had to say She listened to my problems She listened to my dreams We talked about love and life She'd been there, too, it seems I never once felt judged by her She knew just how I felt She seemed to just accept me And all the problems I'd been dealt She didn't interrupt me Or need to have her say She just listened very patiently And didn't go away I wanted her to understand How much this meant to me But as I went to hug her Something startled me I put my arms in front of me And went to pull her near And realized that my new best friend Was nothing but a mirror

5:06 PM : Ok, today could possibly be one of the happiest days of my life, and when i say life, i mean it in every definition of the word. I woke up extremely early today for some reason, even though i still haven`t full recovered from the other night, and the phone rang and the person on the other end of the line asked for me, my first reaction was OH GOD! What have i done now?! Instead it was someone from Zellers in Greenwood calling me, asking me if i would like an interview!! Now its no shocker to anyone that i haven`t had the best luck in the employment dept, or anything lately, so this is kind`ve like a ray of sunshine and it couldn`t have come at a better time, i want to start living my life for me and not other people, and i think this is a good start in the right direction anyways. So thats that, i`m happy, go figure

June 27th - Last night was Amandas graduation, she did it like i knew she would all along. I`m so proud of her. I feel really bad lately because i`ve been so selfish. I realise that her happiness is what matters most, not just mine. I also realise she has some great friends (after meeting alot of them) Anyways, thats that, i don`t feel much like writing so i won`t anymore

June 28th - Well i have a job now, and for some reason i expected to be alot more happy than this. I`ve been thinking alot lately and i think i need to stop worrying about others and just worry about myself. I`m tired of feeling this way (unhappy) I am very unhappy, and i think i need to take the summer to sort out why that is. I don`t really like the person i have become over the last few months, and i think i need to make a few changes in my life. I need to concentrate on what makes me happy and what its goin to take and what i`m lacking in my life to make me happy. I feel like alot of people in my life are drifting away because maybe they are going through the same thing i am, but thats life. I`m tired of living for everyone else, its time to live for me.

Friday July 12 - I miss it...i miss the excitement that she felt and i miss being able to show it...because i can only really show it when i know she cares and loves me. I know she loves me...i hate being 2nd best...even 3rd or 4th...the memories are great but they seem to be fading away...i need to hold on to this...i need to "deal"..but in what way? Is there a point?? i love her and she will be the only one i love ever, whether we are together or not...i believe you only truly fall in love once...this was my shot. Why are you never there anymore? The endless phone calls...laying in bed talking, laughing...dreading the idea that in a few hours you would be taken away until next week. Listening to the rain it reminds me of how beauty truly exists..if you only live it once...do you even need me anymore?? Have i been replaced by something greater? If i ever find myself...you will never be replaced...you are with me in my happiness, sadness, and only absent in my loneliness.

July 18th - I really like Starsailor and the new Coldplay single In my Place is one of the most beautiful songs i`ve heard in a long time, it makes me happy.

July 24th - The play goes on, i`m one of the key players in the cast, the cast of amateurs, i`m the only veteren. I want so much out of this role, but it seems like i`m the only one in the play that does. I`m the one pulling it together, constantly making it work, trying to keep it alive. The rest of the cast just sits back, and knows that they don`t have to worry because i`ll always be there, to pull up the rear. All is lost is the name of this play and i`m the star, the fucking star. Let me sing, let me dance, let me act my way out of a paper bag, just take my lonliness away, please...don`t worry if i`m not always happy...its not your fault...you are an angel...i am playing the role of the sad one...but thats what it is, just that, a role, not the real me. This show is almost over...hang in there...there is no encore...i hope. - Dennis Spencer

August 2nd - my self confidence has reached an all time low. I feel useless and unwanted, unneeded and washed up at 23. I ache to be sucessful...to be famous, to be better than everything i hate, i`ve become what i hate. When did that happen? I`m not sure...when i lost all hope, when i gave up. The things i do now, i don`t do very well. I`m losing everything...whats next?? Scary question.

Aug 03 2002 - Today begins the day where i begin to write my epic first indie film screenplay (still untitled as of yet) I have a few ideas i`ll be joting down from time to time on here. Basically the concept i`m currently running with is that of a modern day romance between two characters (boy and girl) who meet and fall in love almost instantly. Actually, i just came up with a title, Love. (subject to change) Plain and simple. So the setting will take place in an unnamed city, because of my lack of geographic knowledge of London and NY, the two cities i wanted this to take place in, and i definitely didn`t want it to take place in NS, so it`ll just be an unnamed city. The boy will be named Ash and the girl will be named Ava. Don`t ask me why. Basically Ash is kind`ve a loner, James Dean meets Brad Pitt kind`ve deal, not many friends, boyish good looks but no George Clooney. Ava is a natural beauty, doesn`t wear makeup, good dresser, loves music and loves to dance. She has many friends, but is very confused in her life before she meets Ash. So thats my character sketch right there in a nutshell, it`ll be a short film centering around the two main characters in a few different but equally important settings....so thats my idea for my film which i call LOVE.

LOVE. opening credits - (insert film director, movie company, producers, etc, all the as-yet-not-known techinical stuff here.) Actors names, the two unknown actors to play Ash and Ava.

Opening Sequence - the black credit screen slowly fades into a blue sky with autumn leaves falling slowly and softly down, the camera follows them until they hit the ground and a foot comes out of nowhere, that which is Ava`s.

Scene 1 : City Park, Fall, Ava sitting on bench writing
Dialogue: Ava: (talking to self in head) Dear Journal...As i write to you today i have ended a long term relationship which i feel will benefit me greatly in the future. I feel as though i have no choice but to move on regardless of these everlasting feelings of hatred and love i had for this man. I never loved him..i just did because i didn`t have anything else to. I`m a sick fuck i know...but its true....
thats all i feel like writing right now...bye

Aug. 6th - She lies to him all the time...shes there when she says shes not there...she just doesn`t want him to know so she doesn`t have to talk to him. She doesn`t want to talk to him but she doesn`t want to let him go. She thinks he doesn`t know about her past, her hidden secrets...oh but he does. He knows more than she thinks he does. But whats a boy to do? Play along, pretend he doesn`t care? Pretend he doesn`t know? Maybe in a months time it all won`t matter anymore...the boy is tired...he can`t do it anymore...If she really wants him, then why does she sneak around and carry on the way she does...maybe one day, she`ll get caught and lose it all...how sad...but you sleep in the bed you made...its up to you who you sleep in it with...in the end, it can only be one. Be honest, stop lying, stop cheating...if she can`t be faithful and honest, she has to let him go so he can find someone who can...he deserves that much...and so does she - (Ava And Ash)

Aug 13 - STOP READING MY FUCKING JOURNAL! GET A LIFE! GET OFF THE INTERNET!