UpClose@TheBadgerBologna.com

The Art of Pimping

    Time and time again people are always coming up to me and asking, "Dan, how do you get all those girls?"  As vexing as it may be, alas, it is not that hard.  I figured it was about time that I share my plethora of knowledge with the rest of the world so I present to you: the art of pimping.  These sure-fire facts will move you from zero to hero and lord of the losers to lord of the sack.... trust me.

1) Preparation:  Every man's first mistake is poor pre-party preparation.  When they walk out that door they are not ready for a possible night of unbelievable action.  I have always advocated the carrying of a condom (which I shall refer to as "plastic") no matter what.  At some point in your life you may be faced with the unforeseen possibility of getting paid and in this case you can bust out your plastic and "charge it." In addition to that final step necessity there are several other things that must be included be for you leave you room to hit the town.  Extra booze.... just in case you need a hit on the run and to offer it to the inevitable girl who is not a beer drinker, but you still need to get her intoxicated.  Clothes.... always a must period... but you can't go out dressed like Landon so it is necessary to have a keen sense of style to lure those still wary of your merits.  Don't be a tool and dress from head to toe with Abercrombie shit, you are just asking for someone like me to kick your ass and use you as a punch line to pick up a chick later (see below).  Dress comfortably... expect that although it may be cold outside, it will be at least 85 degrees at any party you go to.  Be prepared.

2)  Assess the party situation: Now that you are dressed and loaded up with goodies, where are the parties?  Some say that this should be the first step, but they are wrong.  There is always a guarantee for a party so there should be no worries.  It is only matter of getting the address and getting there.  Scope out the hotties around you and find where there is the most potential for tail.  Other consideration may be distance, possibility of the party getting busted, and drink contents of residence (which is of little consequence because no matter what you just want to get blitzed so it doesn't really matter).

3)  Journey to the party:  If you have already scouted the ladies around the dorm and have decided to pursue one, this step is crucial.  Here you establish a sound base to continue hitting on her at the party.  First, you use some top material to get her interested (use jokes, stories, muscles to lure).  Do not use all of your best stuff because you'll need some of it for later to keep her around.  The walk to the party is the most important point for dorm-hook ups because you get the initial chance to pimp a girl before anyone else can at the party. If you are not macking on some honey on the way to the party, this time is also important to prepare for the party.  Make sure your breath is not stank, your zipper is up, and you put on deodorant (in all actuality, if you fail in two of these areas, its not good, but you can probably still get away with it).  Run a few lines through your head, check their quality on friends to make sure you don't completely bomb when the opportunity arises.  

3) The party:  Now is your time to shine.  Quickly asses the hottie factor at the party.  Either stick with the girl you've been working on (if all has been working) or locate someone else to work the mojo on.  It is very important that you find a girl before the alcohol factor has worked its own magic by impairing your ability to make a sound judgment.  Once you have found said girl, or were already working on one, you must establish a base of entertainment.  You've gotten the girl's attention and now must keep it.  A steady stream of jokes and stories are again necessary.  This is were the Abercrombie-wearing tool comes into play perfectly.  Every party has at least one, if not several.  These tools are excellent target for fresh material to keep you funny and interesting, until you make your move.

4) The move, part one - set up:  At some point you are going to have to do this.  If she's interested, then she's not going to wait forever for you to bumble through awkward lines and stupid motions to try to kiss her.  Your first task is to establish a steady flow of alcohol for her and yourself.  Be careful so that you don't end up piss drunk so nothing works or she's so piss drunk that she passes out.  Both are entirely unacceptable.  Second, make contact.... here you need to place yourself in the unique position where any move will be close and quick to her.  Also this makes it possible to isolate her from other potential suitors.  When you are sufficiently positioned, it is easy to make incidental or obvious contact with her in the course of contact.  If she returns the contact... you are butter.

    The move, part two - attack:  Your close position to her makes it easy enough for you to move in with speed and diligence.  Classic moves include:  brushing the hair back while moving in, dancing close, knocking her unconscious.  Anyway that you do it, cheesy or not, will either bring you major making out or a slap in the face.  If she hasn't left you by this time you should be solid gold.  Now that you've accomplished this task, you are not finished.  You have to continue to hold her attention till the party is sufficiently done with.  Continue to get intoxicated, but remember that your "boy" need to be conscious and so does she.  The more charm you lay on her the better chance you'll have to lay WITH her.

5) Post-party:  This is where your reserve alcohol comes in handy.  If the party wasn't enough for you, there always another shot back at your place (or if you're her room... you'll have the stuff you packed earlier, you sly fox!).   Both of you have already been making out, so why not continue it here?  A-team go!  Making out should inevitably lead to grouping, and if you have good hands she may even let you use them elsewhere.  The rest I hope you can handle.  If it leads to sex, don't be a dumb ass and not use that condom that I told you to pack.  If not, enjoy making a mess in your shirt.  

Following these steps will guarantee you points.  If for some reason something went wrong, you must have fucked up somewhere.  Good luck and god speed on your quest!