I DON'T WANT EXPLANATIONS FOR UNEXPLAINABLE THINGS.

The Holy Ghost is comin' to Earth
He's savin' the souls of all of the jerks
The Holy Ghost is comin' to Earth
Savior-man, don't take me.
The Number One Son is flipping the tab
Payin' for sins and the fun we all had
The Number One Son is footing the bill
Lemme chip in for the tip.
            -NOFX

            The time has come for all good RNdC readers to give a fond farewell to Matt Parks.
            In case you don't recall, he was that one kid who used to be in charge of grandly telling RNdC viewers that they could kill him if he didn't get me to update. Then, he'd tell me, fearfully, to update, and I wouldn't. Ha ha! He hasn't been killed yet, but I know you would come down and slay him if you didn't live in Canada, which has free heathcare. I really don't see any valid reasons for Canadians to come to America unless they want to see the Sears Tower, which is pretty tall up in the air and all. If you ever come to Chicago, I could show it to you. Really, you could probably come to Chicago and show it to yourself, which you do by locating yourself somewhere near Chicago and looking up in the air. Then you go, "Hey! There's a big, black building!" and take a bunch of pictures of it.
            Anyway, Matt has gone on to bigger, better, less fatal things, by which I mean that one chick. She sometimes gets food for me when I ask her for it, because she works at a restaurant that has grilled cheese.
            Matt was also in charge of being the one person in our clique who found out about good bands before anyone else. Then he'd be all like, "This band is real good." and I'd say, "Emo is terrible and I wish you were dead." and roll around on the floor screaming whenever anyone glanced in my general direction. Then I'd go secretively buy the record and realize it was genius. Then I'd have to come crawling back and be all like, "Matt, you're actually right about everything." This wouldn't be particularily funny, but it happened at least ten times and I managed to never, ever learn my lesson. (Brand New, Thrice, The Blood Brothers, Murder By Death, Thursday, and My Chemical Romance are only some of them.) New Wave is not as good as it should be. I'm saying a bunch of nice stuff about Matt not coming around anymore, because he still has the password to this website. I would tell him not to misuse it, but misusing passwords is the coolest thing ever, so, Matt, if you're reading this, you should totally mess stuff up.

by Allison "Fear and Loathing in Wherever the Hell This Is" Mayhem
9:44 PM 12/25/03 CHICAGO, IL