Title: "The Curlers Calamity"
Series: 'School Ties' - Part 3
Fandoms: ER/Will & Grace
Authors: Carrie Verkman & Charlotte Rodwell
Genre: Humour/Crossover
Category: W&G/J&K/JC/LKo
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Grace sets fire to her hair with her curlers; the whole gang's in Chicago... the cast of Will & Grace end up in the ER. Nonsensical hilarity ensues...
"THE CURLERS CALAMITY"
=====================
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow," Grace Adler exclaimed as her friend Karen pulled a lock of Grace's fiery red hair from her the curler-shaped burn that had singed the skin on her head. She shot a icy-cold stare at her assistant, "My hair is *melded* to my scalp, Karen, it kinda hurts when you do that."
Will Truman was holding open the door to County General Hospital's Emergency Room. He mimed a shiver, drawing attention to the fact that the temperature in autumnal Chicago was edging on the sub-zero values. "Karen, leave Grace's hair alone. It looks-" Will looked at Grace's hair, which, after encountering a nasty accident with a set of overheated rollers, resembled a bird's nest rather than a hair-do. "It looks..."
Jack supplied a suitable adjective. "Goddamn awful."
Will nodded and ushered in the two women. "Those are the exact words I was looking for."
Grace rushed into the ER, her coat wrapped tightly around her as she dodged Karen's nimble fingers which were trying valiantly to rearrange her hair so it resembled something less Cro-Magnon.
Will held out an arm and waved Jack into the hospital, "Ladies first."
"Like I haven't heard that one, like, a *million* times before," Jack said with a roll of his eyes.
"Well, you can't blame me," Will replied letting the door close behind him.
"I'm going over there to get a soda," Jack said.
Will smiled, "I'll come with you and get it for you."
Jack headed towards the vending machines, he turned towards Will with a radiant smile. "All is forgiven."
Grace moved over to the admissions desk, becoming extremely self-conscious and trying to tidy her hair up slightly. Karen looked at her attempt critically. Grace looked Karen, "What did I do wrong?"
"Where do I start," Karen said with a little laugh. She gave her boss a wide smile, her hand held in mid-air. "Sweetie, nuh-huh," she shook her head, "I don't think so."
Grace was about to ask Karen what exactly was so diabolical about her hair when tall man with brown hair appeared at the desk.
"Can I he-"
Grace turned around, her eyes wide. "My God!"
The man smiled brightly and rushed from behind the desk to where she was standing. "Grace!"
Grace enveloped him in her arms and he squeezed her back tight. "John Carter!"
"I haven't seen you since summer camp, senior year!" Carter let go of Grace and looked at her with his warm brown eyes, "You look... wow," he smiled, searching for a appropriate word, "great!"
His eyes caught a full glimpse of her hair and he stared at it with mild curiosity. Karen stepped forward and stuck out her hand to shake Carter's, "Hi there, doctor. Grace had a little trouble with her curlers, as you can imagine," she whispered conspiratorially, "her hair's not natural, ya see."
Grace's jaw dropped, "Karen!"
Karen clapped her hand over her mouth, then stamped her foot with irritation. "Devil!"
Carter frowned with amusement and turned back to Grace, "So what brings you to Chicago?"
"I knew I could get good treatment in this ER," Grace quipped.
"Well, we'll have to see about that," Carter replied with a smile. "I'm gonna put you over there in Curtain-"
"John?"
Will was standing behind Grace, a can of open soda in his hand, which, in surprise, he had squeezed, sending a fountain of carbonated drink flowing across his fingers.
Carter smiled at him, "Hey, Will! I don't believe it! You're here with Grace, aren't you... this isn't some sort of freak coincidence is it?"
Will came over to him and they clapped each other on the back. Carter winced slightly, however neither Will nor Grace noticed.
"Well, we live together y'see," Will explained.
Carter smiled broadly, "I see..."
Will caught his look and shook his head vehemently."Not like that."
Grace looked horrified. "In a two bedroomed apartment."
"With two separate beds."
"In two different rooms."
Carter looked at them both with an air of bemusement. He shook his head. "You're looking in good shape, Will."
Will grinned giddily, "Well, same goes for you... you look..." he paused, "fantastic."
Jack had just joined the group and he was stood next to Karen. "What did I miss?" he whispered.
"Oh nothing much," Karen whispered back, "but, Will feels nothing but supergay love for that guy there, I can tell."
Jack clapped her on the shoulder, "Excellent work, apprentice of the Gaydar. You are learning fast."
"I know," she replied. "I'd bump stomachs with you... but we're in a hospital and ...nuh-huh, honey."
He nodded knowingly, but then stopped still as he saw something tall, dark and handsome out of the corner of his eye, "Karen, 9 o'clock... look, super-stud on the horizon."
Karen placed a hand to her mouth, "Heavens!"
Jack and Karen's eyes were fixed on the tall, dark, and handsome man. They followed his every move as he worked.
"I think I'm in love!" Jack exclaimed excitedly. "Break me off a piece of that!"
"Oh honey, I'd hate to burst your bubble....oh well I'll do it anyway....but my gaydar reading is negative." Karen said. "I don't think he's gay."
"And just what makes you so sure?" Jack asked, tapping his foot. "One out of every four doctors is gay! Let me see... the bald guy with the glasses isn't gay, the Asian doctor isn't gay, the curly haired surgeon over there isn't gay, and the red-haired doctor with the crutch is definitely not gay, so that makes that hunk over there available."
"I'm not so sure about that red-haired doc." Karen said. She began to waltz her way over to the tall doctor. "If you'll excuse me, I have a little business to attend to."
"Not if I get to him first!" Jack and Karen began to slowly walk over to the doctor with greasy hair, their speed increasing as the other one gained a lead.
***
Meanwhile, Dr. Carter had settled Grace down in the suture room. Grace asked to be secluded due to the fact she thought her hair looked like a rat's nest.
"How did this happen Grace?" Carter asked as he carefully removed curlers from her hair.
"Well I came down to Chicago for the Interior Design Awards, and in preparation for the event, I overheated my curlers. Next thing I know, I smell smoke and my hair is burning." Grace said.
"Oh," said Carter. "Well I may have to cut some hair, I'll try not to cut a lot of it off, I know how much you love your hair. I remember back at summer camp you used to carry around a hairbrush and a curling iron."
"Oh yeah?" Grace said, her voice turning slightly adolescent. "You used to cry if your expensive Italian hiking boots, which your rich parents bought, got dirty."
"I did not!" Carter said. "And besides, I think Will was the strangest of us all, remember on talent night, Will sang a bunch of Elton John songs? I'll never understand why you did that Will."
Will and Grace looked at each other knowingly. "Well I was, 18 back then, what do you expect?" Will chuckled nervously to himself.
Grace looked at Carter to see if he had noticed Will's uncomfortable laugh, but he was busy looking at the skin on Grace's forehead.
"Grace you're going to be fine," Carter said. "However, I do want to keep you here for a few hours for observation."
"Okay. Thanks John." Grace said.
"Hey, aren't those the two people you came in with?" Carter asked, pointing to Jack and Karen who were following the tall dark doctor. "It looks like they are running after Dr. Kovac!"
"Oh no, Laverne and Shirley have escaped!" Will said. "I'll get them!"
Will left the suture room to chase after Jack and Karen leaving Carter and Grace to themselves.
"So...." Grace said. "It's really nice to see you. I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch since summer camp."
"That's okay," Carter said, sitting on the exam bed next to Grace. "Seeing you now is enough for me."
***
Will found Karen and Jack at the admit desk, trying to strike up conversation with a tall, dark and extremely hunky looking doctor.
He leant forwards and tapped Jack on the shoulder: "Tweedle-dumb and Tweedle-dumber; honestly I can't take you anywhere."
Karen and Jack turned around and shot identical glares at Will who backed off in fright, despite himself. Karen turned to the doctor and patted him on the arm, "Ignore him, honey."
"So, Luka," Jack started, ignoring Will and rolling the doctor's name off his tongue as if it were a name of a far-off city, "is that Croatian for Lucky?"
The doctor looked at Jack in a strange way, as if he'd been asked the question before. "No, Luke, I guess... and you are."
Jack stuck his hand out and gave the doctor a bright smile. "Jack." He made characteristic gesture with his hands, "Just Jack."
"Just shoot me," Will rolled his eyes and started to walk off in the direction of the cafeteria. He needed to think of a strategy, one which would enable him to tell John Carter how he felt.
As he boarded the elevator, he thought about how useful it would be if everyone had a Gaydar, then he wouldn't have to do the whole complicated 'I'm gay' thing.
Will sighed, and went in search of coffee; the elixir of thought.
***
"So."
"So?"
"So"
Carter chuckled, "Grace?"
She shook her head and smiled, "Sorry, I guess the... fumes... are going... to my head?" Grace trailed off, not sure of where that sentence was supposed to go.
Carter smiled at her, his warm brown eyes meeting hers for a tangible moment."Grace-"
"John-" she said at the same time.
They laughed at themselves, except Grace, in her nervousness, started to think that this was funnier than it actually was and couldn't stop herself from laughing.
Carter looked at her with amusement, she snorted and then suddenly she stopped. "Whoah," she commented, "that was ... insane."
"I wasn't gonna say anything, but-"
"Shut up!" Grace replied with a whack on his leg.
"You still hit like a girl," Carter retorted.
Grace's jaw hung open, "Oh yeah, and like you're more manly than me, Mr. Armani pyjamas."
"Hey, how do you know about my pyjamas?" Carter replied, a note of suspicion in his voice.
"Well, when we were in camp and I went into your cabin to look for you-" Grace trailed off and blushed.
"What were you doing looking for me?" Carter asked, staring at his old friend.
"Well, I... I...." she glanced at him and screwed her eyes shut, tossing caution to the wind and saying what she had been meaning to say for the last twelve years in a long rushed utterance, "I had a crush on you."
Carter smiled broadly, "You did?"
"I did."
"You really did?"
"I really did."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"You had a crush on me?"
Grace nodded, and begged to a higher power that her torture would end soon. "I have a crush on you."
Carter didn't reply. But after a moment of silence he coughed. "I noticed a definite lack of the past tense just then."
"I know," she replied, feeling like she wanted to cry. She had, in the least mature way, let her camp-crush know about how she felt for him. "I feel like such an idiot."
"Why?"
"I just do."
"Well, don't," he replied, resting a hand on her arm.
"Why shouldn't I feel like an idiot."
"'Cos..."
"Cos, what? Cos, sine, tangent? I knew you were a maths buff, but, really-"
However Grace couldn't finish as Carter had moved over to her and pressed his lips against hers.
***
Grace closed her eyes as Carter's lips pressed against hers. She kissed back and she felt Carter's hand move to her neck.
Grace moved her lips away from Carter's. "You know I used to have this picture of you that I kissed every night before I went to bed."
"Better to have the real thing, isn't it?" Carter asked.
"Yes, and you're not wearing a bathing suit either!" Grace said with a giggle.
"Hey, when did you get a picture of that?" Carter asked playfully.
"Oh, I have my ways...I snuck through the woods and took it as you were getting out of the lake!"
"Oh Grace!" Carter laughed and moved in to kiss Grace again. Grace laughed and pulled Carter on top of her on the exam bed.
***
"So Luka," asked Karen. "That accent, is it European?"
"Yes," said Dr. Kovac. "I am from Croatia."
"Oh well what a coincidence!" Jack chimed in. "My family is pure Croatian background!"
"Really?" asked Luka. "So do you know what a 'lubencia' is?"
"Oh that. Of course I know what that is. I wear them all the time!" Jack said. "I hope you use them too. And believe me, I see us using them in the future."
Luka had a confused look on his face. "A 'lubencia' is a watermelon! Not a... well you know what you were talking about."
"Jack, how could you?" Karen said, giving him a little smack on the head. "Excuse my friend here, Luka. He's a little overcome by his feelings."
"Oh-kay..." Luka said. "Karen, would you like to get a cup of coffee with me?"
"I'd love to!"
"Fine!" said Jack. "I'll go find out how Grace is doing, since you're too busy pretending to show interest in Luka's ethnic background."
Jack walked off towards the suture room where he last left Grace. As he walked by he saw Grace and Dr. Carter kissing on the exam bed.
"Ugh, heterosexual contact," Jack said with a disgusted look on his face.
***
Meanwhile, in the cafeteria, Will was nervously drinking a cup of coffee. A short, red-haired doctor, with a crutch noticed how shaky he was.
"Can I help you?" the doctor asked.
"No thanks, I'm just nervous about something," Will said.
The doctor could sense that it was something more so she sat herself down next to Will. "I'm Kerry Weaver."
"Will Truman," he shook hands with her.
"You don't look too good," Kerry observed.
"I have to tell someone something, but it's very personal," Will said. "See there's this guy and... I mean, I know this guy, who has to tell another guy how he feels about him."
"Well I think you shouldn't have to hide your sexuality," Kerry said.
"How did you know I was gay?" Will asked.
"Oh I just knew. I'm gay too, but I'm not afraid of what people think anymore, and you shouldn't be either," Kerry said.
Will stood up. "Yeah! I shouldn't care what people think! So what if I'm gay?"
"That's the spirit!" Kerry said.
"I'm going to go up to John Carter and say, 'John Truman Carter, I have feelings for you!'" Will raised a fist in the air triumphantly. He then stormed out of the cafeteria with Kerry yelling behind him, her voice fading as he walked.
"Will, wait!" Kerry began to hobble after him.
***
"Whoa Will, you look as if you're on a mission!" Jack said.
"Yes I am. I have never been so confident in my life," Will said. "I'm going to tell Dr. Carter my feelings for him."
"Then maybe you don't want go in there," Jack said, pointing to the suture room door.
"Why?" Will asked.
But before Will took notice of Jack's warnings he had pushed open the door and caught a glimpse of the scene in the suture room. A loud gasp caused John and Grace to break apart. They stared at Will with guilty and embarrassed expressions.
"Well, what I want to say can wait until later," Will said, turning on his heel and walking out of the suture room.
He bumped into Jack as he headed towards the elevators. "So?"
"So what?" Will replied angrily.
"He's not gay," Jack stated. "Gaydar's reading quite low on Dr. Carter."
Will tried to get rid of Jack by not replying. However, Jack was not one to give up without a fight. "I said, 'He's not gay', Will! Would you like to comment or can I turn the question over to the audience now?"
By this time they had reached the elevators and Will jabbed the call button mercilessly, needing another cup of coffee, sooner rather than later. "I don't know what you're talkin' about, Jack," he replied nonchalantly.
"Yeah, right," Jack replied sarcastically. "Denial alert! BLING! BLING!"
Will turned around and stared at Jack in disbelief. "Could you *be* any louder?"
"I'm sure I could try," Jack replied with a wide smile.
"Just leave me alone, Jack," Will whined. "Let me get back to wallowing in my own self-pity, would you?"
"Oooh," Jack replied excitedly, "sounds like a pint-of-Ben & Jerry's moment, to me, mi amor."
Will sent Jack a disparaging glare. "Don't call me 'mi amor', Jack. I swear if you use terms of endearments with me, you won't know what hit you."
"Will Truman!" Jack exclaimed. "I love it when you talk dirty!"
Rolling his eyes, Will boarded the elevator as soon as its doors opened. "Okay, but as long as you're buying."
"I knew you couldn't resist Jack and ice cream."
"Please! That gave me a really awful mental image."
"Well, say goodbye to your free ice cream, Will."
"Sorry."
****
"So, that's what happened."
Karen held Luka's hand, her eyes wet from listening to his sob-story for the last fifteen minutes. "Oh Luka, how terrible! What an awful life you must have had."
"The pain of that loss is so ... painful, I just need to talk about it sometimes," Luka confided, blowing his nose on a fine cotton handkerchief that Karen provided him with, as if from thin air.
" I can imagine what you went through - I mean, if *that* happened to my hair, I dunno what I'd do," Karen replied with a little laugh.
Luka burst into tears. "I don't know what I did wrong - my hair used to be so clean!"
"Don't worry, honey," Karen said with pat on his arm. "I know just the thing you need."
"A wig... shampoo... eye of newt?" Luka asked. "I tried them all."
"No, no, no, dear," Karen replied with a her characteristic laugh. "Frédéric."
"Frédéric?"
"He's a God!" Karen whispered conspiratorially. "Even though he unfortunately scores too high for my liking on the Gaydar."
"I'm confused."
"I'm sure you are, honey."
***
"Oh my God, I can't believe Will saw us!" Carter exclaimed. "What a mess, what a mess.... a mess!"
"OH MY GOD!!!" Grace echoed in panic. "What's gonna happen. I mean, Will.... hey, back up a second, buddy!" She turned to Carter, "Just why are we being so panicky about Will seeing us kissing? I certainly don't have any issues, you don't either, right?"
Carter didn't reply.
"Right?" Grace prompted.
Still no reply.
"RIGHT?" She barked.
He turned to her and looked at her as he bit his lip. "There's something I need to tell you Grace."
She stared at the ceiling an put her hands together in prayer. "Please God, don't let him say that he's gay as well."
"Grace, I... I..."
"Get it over with already!" Grace moaned, wondering what on earth he was going tell her.
"Grace, I...I..." Carter stammered.
"Just spit it out!" Grace demanded.
"I just remembered that I have a patient to see," Carter said, running his hand nervously through his hair. "A gunshot wound victim. I'll be right back, and don't you go anywhere."
"John!" Grace called after him as he left. She was left alone, still wondering if Carter really did have a patient, or was scared to come out to her just yet.
Carter shut the exam room door behind him with a sigh. "That was close."
***
"Who is Frédéric?" asked Luka.
"Only the best hairdresser in New York," Karen explained. "He got me out of that horrible 80's perm craze, it saved my life!"
"Really? So you think he can help me with my hair?" Luka asked, sniffling through his last few tears.
"Oh sure honey," Karen said. "But as for your emotions... well that's not his department. I've never seen anyone get so upset over hair!"
With that Luka began to cry all over again. Karen handed him another handkerchief. "There, there honey."
***
"You know what I love about ice cream?" Jack said.
"You know what I love about it? It shuts you up," Will said. His head was lying down on the table as if he was a little boy pouting.
"Stop it Will," Jack said. "You're making me depressed with that sad, puppy dog look on your face."
"I can't believe he's not gay," Will whined. "I mean did you see his shoes? Those were definitely Dolce and Gabana. No straight man would ever be caught dead in those."
"Will, get over it," Jack said. "I think you've forgotten the real reason why we're here. We here to support Grace as she goes through her curlers calamity. The poor thing, and her hair. Show a little compassion! Stop worrying over Dr. Carter. Although I must say he does have a nice ass."
"Yeah he does." Will sighed. "Let's go check on Grace."
Just as they were about to get up, Carter came running up to them. "Will wait!"
"What?" Will asked.
"I'm so glad...I found...you," Carter said catching his breath. "I have something...to tell you."
"Yes?" replied Will, his heart beating faster with the anticipation which hung in the air.
"Well, it's more of a question," Carter restated, nervously biting his lip.
Will pulled out the spare seat next to him and gestured for Carter to sit down. "Yes?"
Carter sat and rubbed his face with a moan. "Um... I don't know how to say this, but..."
"Hey, we're old friends," Will replied with a smile. "You can ask me anything."
"Okay then," Carter replied. "You know in camp, back in high school."
"Yeah."
"Well, I kinda had feelings for somebody," Carter finished, his cheeks growing redder by the second.
Will leaned forwards and gave him a smile, "Really?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I'm not sure how to tell you this, but," Carter took a breath. "It was ... oh to hell with it, it was your brother."
Will's jaw dropped open in shock. "My brother?"
Jack, who had been trying to mind his own business as he practised throwing packets of sugar into an empty cup of coffee, looked up. "Will's brother Sam? I can totally understand."
Will hit his head against the table. "Oh, this is just too ironic."
"I'm not through!" Carter continued.
"The hell you are!" Will retorted. "I can't believe this - my brother and my best friend had sex; and now I find out that my high school crush has feelings for my brother and my best friend, but *no*, he doesn't have feelings for me. Can you believe that, John, 'cos I certainly can't!"
Carter frowned, "Hey, did you just say that you-"
Will spoke right through him, "And, Jack - your Gaydar may be spot on, but you might want to start developing a bi-sexometer sometime soon."
Jack nodded with an excited gleam in his eye, "I'll get straight on it, mi compadre, right after I tell Karen about this little fracas!"
Carter waved a hand in front of Will's face, "Hey, I haven't finished yet!"
Will pushed his chair back from the table and threw his spoon into a half-finished tub of Chunky Monkey, "As far as I'm concerned, you've had your say."
He walked out of the cafeteria, with Jack and Carter watching his retreating form.
Jack picked up the carton of ice-cream, "Waste not, want not. Want some, Johnny boy?"
But Carter had already gone, as if he had vanished into thin air.
***
"Will!" Carter said. "Just hear me out!"
Will kept on walking away. He was burning mad, like Grace's hair.
"I decided to tell you I had feelings for Sam because I wanted to let you know that I am gay and I have feelings for you now!" Carter said in one breath.
Will stopped and slowly turned around. "What?"
"Today when you walked in here, I thought I was in love. You've been the only thing that has brightened my day. I'm sorry about this Will. But I wasn't sure if you felt the same way." John said.
"Oh John you know I do!" Will said. He ran up to Carter and the two men hugged.
"What about making-out with Grace?" Will asked.
"Oh that was my last heterosexual experience," Carter said. "From now on it's all men, all the time."
Jack had been wiping his eyes with a tissue during the whole scene. "Brilliant! Just brilliant! I give it two thumbs up for the compassion, but two thumbs down for those suspenders Johnny Carter."
"What's wrong with my suspenders?" Carter said. "I wear them all the time."
"Nothing. I think they're cute on you," Will said.
"Thank you," Carter said with a big smile on his face.
***
"Karen, would you still like me if I had different hair?" Luka asked.
"Of course I would honey!" Karen said. "You have to come back to New York with me. I can get you all the help you need."
"Karen, promise me this," Luka said, caressing her hands.
"Yes, my dear Luka?"
"Promise me you'll never tell anyone I cried okay?"
"I promise," Karen said.
Just then Jack came up waving his hands excitedly. "Karen you will never guess what happened! Dr. Carter and Will hooked up after this long dramatic make-up scene. You should have seen all the drama! I was moved to tears!"
"Oh sweetie I had my own drama here. Luka cried waterfalls over his hair. Such a shame." Karen said, totally forgetting the promise.
"Karen!" Luka said.
"What honey?"
**
"I'm so glad we ran into each other today." Will said. He was in the lounge with Carter.
"Me too," Carter said. "If Grace had never burned her hair, we would have never met again."
Just then Chuni opened the doors to the lounge. "Hey Carter, do you have a patient in the suture room?"
"Yeah, Grace Adler. Why?" Carter asked.
"Well she's starting to go a little crazy," Chuni said. "She keeps muttering something about straight men turning gay. Psych consult?"
"No. Chuni, thanks anyway, but I've got it," Carter said. He left the lounge with Will following him.
***
Carter and Will made their way, anxiously, to the examination room. They peeped through the window before entering, and an even greater fear was driven into their hearts by the sight of Grace waving her arms around and muttering like a lunatic.
Will took a deep breath, squeezed Carter's hand and gave him a small smile. "Here goes nothing."
He pushed open the door and walked in, Carter following him a few steps behind. Grace froze, her arms in mid-flail and stared at the two men.
"I'm right, aren't I?" Grace hissed between her clenched teeth.
She caught Carter's eye and he gave a slight nod, bowing his head in embarrassment. Chuni looked on in amusement, mentally noting down every incident so in order to spread the gossip around the hospital during her coffee break.
Grace nodded slowly, her face turning redder by the second. "So, what was I exactly? The victim of a sadistic plan you two concocted to make me feel as undesirable as possible? A 'toy' for you to play around with when you're slightly bored? Tell me please, 'cause when another gay person comes along and kisses me, I'll recognise what they're doing and give them an ass-kicking."
Will and Carter stared at Grace, their mouths gaping slightly as they tried to follow the rapid stream of words that erupted from her mouth.
"Grace, I-" Will started, making a move towards her.
Grace held out her hand in front of her. "Don't even try to make it up to me, mister!" she seethed.
Will backed up. "That told me."
"Well, what do you have to say, then?" Grace asked Carter, bouncing up and down on the spot in agitation.
Carter, who up to this moment had been staying well out of the way of any verbal abuse, looked up sheepishly. "Sorry?"
"Have you got an explanation," Grace inquired, tearfully. "A reason to why you lied about missing me, and wanting me, and if you were really thinking about Will when you were kissing me."
Will looked at Carter expectantly, "Well, were you?"
Carter looked from Grace, to Will, and back to Grace again. "Grace... Will... I don't know how to tell you this..."
For a moment, a look of panic flashed over Will's face. "Oh, please don't go all hetero on me, again... I thought you said that Grace was your last straight experience!"
"What!" Grace exclaimed, louder than she had been before. "I mean, you weren't just playing around with me for fun? You just grabbed and kissed me because it was your last chance to go with a woman before you and Will hooked up!"
"If I remember, there wasn't a lot of grabbing going on," Carter amended, moving slightly closer to Grace.
"Oh yeah?" Grace shot back. "Tell my ass that!"
Will looked at Carter, his mouth agape. "You touched her ass?"
Carter stammered, "Well.... y-y-yeah, I suppose."
Jack, Karen and Luka burst through the door, no-one in the room noticed them as they looked on in anticipation of a girl-slapping contest.
"But you're gay!" Will exclaimed, "The kiss isn't too painful, but if you were really gay, no way could you do that."
A look of triumph dawned over Carter's face. "If I was straight, I couldn't do this." He grabbed Will's shoulders and drew him towards him. Carter kissed Will fully on the lips, whilst Will stood there dumbstruck. After a moment he began to reciprocate, wrapping his arms around Carter's waist, and it was only when Grace burst into small gasping sobs that they broke away, a contented look on Will's face.
"Whoo-hooo!" Jack exclaimed. "Will finally gets some."
Chuni and Grace stared at the two men, blinking in disbelief. The nurse turned to Grace and whispered, "Is it just me or was that really hot?"
Grace sobbed again, and blew her nose on her sleeve. Karen, from across the room tutted, "No, honey. Nuh -huh!"
"Shut up!" Grace wailed.
Carter moved out of Will's arms and took a step over to Grace. "But, you see, if I was straight, I couldn't do this," Carter whispered, tipping Grace's chin up and capturing her mouth in deep kiss. Grace held her arms out stiffly at her sides and let herself kiss Carter passionately.
They finally drew away from each other after a minute and Grace grimaced, turning to Will. "Did you just drink, like ten mugs of black coffee?"
"Hospitals are stressful," Will replied slowly, "and what the hell just happened there, Dr. Jekyll?"
Karen fanned herself with a T-Sheet. "I dunno, but I could do with a double vodka right now, honey, never mind the coffee."
Carter turned from Will, then to Grace. "I have to tell you guys something."
Jack jumped in front of Carter, "I knew I was getting something wrong on the Gay-dar, but my Bi-Sexometer, and thanks for the tip on a great brand name Will, is reading 100% on this bundle of laughs."
Grace and Will stared at the young doctor. "You're bi?"
Carter looked at Chuni and Dr. Kovac, and after deducing that his reputation has been shredded to smithereens by this point in time, blurted out the truth. "Yeah."
"Jackpot! Bling-bling, Jack is a winner!" Jack exclaimed, punching the air.
"So, if you don't mind me asking, which one of us are you after?" Grace asked, looking even more confused than normal.
"Both of you," Carter replied, wincing slightly as he anticipated a negative response. "Grace, you're gorgeous, you're charismatic and funny, you've got a beautiful smile and I love you so much, I couldn't take my eyes off you since you walked back in. And Will..., well... ditto."
"And I've got a neater tush," Will added with a slow smile.
"But you have you got these?" Grace asked, pointing to her chest.
Carter smiled at both of them. "I know this is very confusing, I mean, I've been confused by it for well over ten years, but do you think you can forgive me?"
Will and Grace looked at each other. "I don't know about you, Will, but I think we've found our ideal man. Someone who we won't be jealous of if he goes on a date with either of us."
Karen laughed hysterically. "Oh my God, I almost want to call up Jerry Springer and get you all on TV. You know what would really make this little sordid tale complete... if our dear little Will was actually straight."
Karen saw Will go red and she stopped laughing. "Oh honey, don't tell me that I hit on a sore nerve there."
"What's she talking about, Will?" Grace asked, bending slightly so she could stare directly into Will's downturned eyes.
"Grace, I have to confess... last week, I kissed a woman who wasn't my mother."
"MY EARS!" Jack cried, crumpling to the floor.
"You what?" Grace and Carter replied incredulously.
"Grace, it wasn't a foolish whim, it wasn't experimental, it wasn't a dare - I'm bi too."
Grace looked at Chuni, "Did you give me some novacaine when I wasn't looking?"
Chuni shook her head, engrossed by the revelations that were unfolding in front of her.
Grace turned back to Will and was about to speak when he wrapped her in his arms and pressed his lips against her in a heated embrace. Will ran a hand down Grace's back and let it rest on her waist, whilst Grace ran her hands through Will's hair. Luka coughed in embarrassment and the two friends broke apart.
Grace looked up at Will and laughed nervously. "Oh, how lucky am *I*?"
"So my plan is we grab Dr. Carter here, drag him to your hotel room and take things from there," Will proposed, running his hands through Grace's slightly singed hair.
"Sounds like fun," Grace replied, grabbing both Carter's and Will's neckties and leading them out of the exam room. "If anyone calls from the Interior Design Awards, tell them I'm very busy."
Karen's mouth dropped open and she screamed at Luka. "It's all your fault!" Then, without warning, she transformed into a ten tonne, ice-cream eating alien from outer-space.
***
***
"AGHHHH!!!!!" Grace screamed, sitting bolt upright.
"AGHHHH!!!!!" Will screamed back from where he was putting Grace into the recovery position.
Grace looked around her, and saw her hotel room in Chicago. Her curlers were lying scattered across the floor and there was the smell of burning hair in the air. She was even more confused. Grace pinched herself, "Owww!"
"Did you hurt your head on the way down?" Will asked, looking at her with concern.
Grace nodded slowly and looked at Will with trepidation, "You're not gonna kiss me again are you?"
"What?" Will chuckled, rubbing her shoulders.
Grace turned and kissed him on the lips. He didn't reciprocate, and instead sat there, as passionate as a limp stick of celery. She broke off the kiss and stared at Will, "Nothing?"
"Grace, I'm still gay, whether you kiss me or not."
She collapsed back onto the floor, "Thank God!"
Will sighed, "I think we better get you to the hospital, you seem to have hit your head pretty badly on that dresser when you fainted."
Grace sat up bolt upright again, her eyes wide. "Oh God, no! Don't take me to the hospital please."
"Well, you must of got hurt pretty bad if you dreamt about me kissing you, Grace!" Will replied with a chuckle.
"I'll got a hospital in New York, right now there's an awards ceremony I'm supposed to be at," Grace remembered, getting off the floor. "Help me get into my dress."
Grace took off her bathrobe and threw it at Will. He raised an eyebrow, "Grace Adler, are you trying to seduce me?"
"You wish," Grace replied, slipping on her dress and turning her back to Will. "Zip me up and get Karen to come in here and help me out with my hair."
"It's not too badly burnt," Will reassured her. "I'd be more concerned by that bruise that's appearing on your forehead."
Grace grabbed a compact mirror and grimaced at the red mark on her head. "Dammit."
"Don't worry about it, Grace. You look fabulous," Will added with a smile.
Grace turned around and looked Will in the eye. "Do you remember John Carter?"
***
FIN
***