Title: 'If These Walls Could Talk'

Author: Anna Rousseau <annadelamico@yahoo.co.uk>

Genre: Cast/Humour

Rating: PG-13

Archive: Yes, just tell me where

Summary: So, we get the heavy plots on the show, but what lighter moments do the ER gang experience?

Disclaimer: If I owned these characters would I be writing this fic?

Spoilers: The Mark Season Seven Plot...if you've seen season 6 you're OK


Notes: Not in any order, just they way they came out of my head! I haven't seen season 7 yet, so sorry for any inaccuracies. This is an idea I had in my mind for a while but never got the chance to write. Coincidently (honestly), the idea is very similar to ElaineMc's (PS I couldn't find your addy) 'snippets' (and Cein's now), but no enfringement is meant and copying is the sincerest form of flattery, and I'm sure this version is far inferior. Hey, enjoy...





[Admit, Dave is leaning on the counter watching Luka and Carter discuss a patient]

DAVE: Hey, if you two could go out with one of us, who would you choose?

CARTER: [all in unison] Dunno.

DAVE: Me either.

LUKA: Carter.

DAVE: [blinks] Hey, why not me?

CARTER: You're just jealous, Dave.

DAVE: Am not! But seriously, Dr. Kovac, what as he got that I don't?

LUKA: I guess Carter's less pushy.

CARTER: [triumphantly] So there.

LUKA: Anyway, this is a load of nonsense. Check on the kid in two, Dave.

DAVE: [mutters as he walks over to Exam 2] My ass is way better than his. Kovac doesn't know what he's missing!



LYDIA: An eight, surely.

HALEH: Asolutely a ten.

RANDI: [looks up to see them staring at Luka] He can't score a ten on the Carter-Cuteness scale unless he's Carter, which he's not.

CHUNI: True. I think we really need a Luka Lushness scale.


[Mark & Carter are drinking coffee in the lounge, Dave enters]

CARTER & MARK: Whaaaaassssuuuuppppppp!!!!

DAVE: Whaaaaaassssuuuuuupppppp!!!!!

CARTER: Java? [pours Dave coffee]

MARK: True.


CARTER: Abby, shouldn't you be up in OB?

ABBY: Uh, why?

CARTER: Be-cause, is you haevn't already noticed, you aren't a med-student or an ER nurse.

ABBY: Well, you're the first to notice.


DAVE: Randi....I w-

RANDI: [holds hand up to silence him, she's teary-eyed]

DAVE: I didn't mean-




DAVE: Ran-


DAVE: I'm sorr-

RANDI: I'm not listening.

DAVE: Aww, come on. I said I was sorry - it was great, really...

RANDI: Dave you laughed!

DAVE: Randi, [sighs] it was NC-17 rated male slash Buffy/NYPD Blue fanfic, I had to.

RANDI: Piss off, you had your chance and you blew it. [mutters to herself] I'd like to see you write something that hot.



CARTER: No, Pe-ter.

ELIZABETH: [concentrates] Pete-rah....Pet-ar... Cartah, it's so hard!

CARTER: No, not Car-tah, it's Cart-r.

ELIZABETH: Carr-trr [rolls the 'r' and chokes]...oh, bollocks!


MARK: Deb, will you-

JING-MEI: [Grabs IV pole and hits him on head] Don't call me Deb!!!


KERRY: [talking to the whole of the ER] ....and that is why I use a crutch.

DAVE: [walks in and sees the assembled staff] Did I miss something?


RANDI: Hmm, I wonder if Carter's single.

CHUNI: Forget it girl, your not his type.

RANDI: [offended] What'ya getting at?

CHUNI: Do you ever wear blonde wigs, get highlights?

RANDI: What?

CHUNI: He only dates blondes.

RANDI: [raises an eyebrow] Really.


[Dave runs behind a gurney Luka is pushing]

DAVE: Aggghhh! [he slips on the floor] Randi, call maintenance and get this clean- [his eyes travel to the gel dripping off Luka's hair onto the floor].

DAVE: Hair stylist, to Trauma Two...code red.


ABBY: [walks into Trauma 2, Carter's back is turned to her] Just came for a chart.

CARTER: [tries to hide the Chupa-Chup in his mouth] Just cleaning up [talking around the candy]

ABBY: [raises her eyebrow] Yeah right, you just can't keep off the glucose, can you....DR GREENE!!!


[As they lay dying on the floor of Curtain Three]


LUCY: [strained] Piss...off....bas...tarrd

CARTER: [falling unconcious] I hope...you bleed...out!


[Waiting in surgery after stabbing]

PETER: Hey man, don't worry, I'll get you through this. OK?

CARTER: [drugged up] I want another doctor!


ABBY: [at admit] When I was in OB...


ABBY: [offended] You don't have to be so nasty, it wasn't like that in OB.

DAVE: [angry] OK, where's the LP kit?

KERRY: [quickly] Here, I have one in my pocket.


DAVE: Hey, Deb-

JING-MEI: [Grabs TV off the wall and beats Dave to death with it] Don't... call... me....DEB!!!


KERRY: So what are we gonna do for Independance Day?

MARK: Barbeque?

LUKA: Noooooo!!!! CAROL!!!!

MARK & KERRY: [eyes wide as they watch Luka sob, Kerry hands him a T-Sheet] Here...

LUKA: Thanks [blows his nose].

MARK: Fondue

KERRY: [quickly] Yeah.


KERRY: Has anyone seen Carol?

MARK: She went to Seattle with Doug and their kids, in May.

KERRY: And you were going to tell me this, when?

MARK: I guess I forgot.

KERRY: And you let me think she was still in Chicago for six months- what, have you got a brain tumour or something?

MARK: [silent]

KERRY: Oh....sorry, I uh.....damn.


CHUNI: [runs over to admit] Hey, you lots have got to see this, Dr. Finch is smiling!

DAVE: Oh yeah, right! Let me just check on my flying pig in Exam Two...you did put restraints on him, right Haleh?

HALEH: [nods, rolls her eyes at Chuni] Um-huh!

CHUNI: [disbelieving] It's true! Honest to God!


ELIZABETH: Far-thah.

CARTER: Far-ther.

ELIZABETH:.....faar...[strains] tharrr...

CARTER: I don't think this is working...


CHUNI: It's eleven thirty.

CONNI: [whispers to the women at admit]: Eleven thirty.

RANDI: [licks her lips] Eleven-thirty!

[they look up and lean on the admit desk dreamily watching Luka, Dave and Carter drink coffee in their scrub tops]


[In Seattle, in Doug's back yard]

[Doug and Carol break out of that kiss]

CAROL: Where the HELL have you been!

DOUG: Huh?

CAROL: I was there, working all the hardest shifts, bringing up twins...and you've been playing with a damn boat!

DOUG: I- uh...

CAROL: Forget it, I'm moving back with Tag.

DOUG: Not him again!

[Carol pushes him into the water]


[In the lounge, we see only their heads]

DAVE: [whines] No way!

CHUNI: It's not gonna kill you...

DAVE: It might! Forget it, I'll wear the normal one.

CHUNI: It's covered in vomit.

[camera pans out, Dave is in a nurses scrub top]

DAVE: [moans] But it's pink, Chuni!


[In Exam 6, Lucy is cleaning up Carter's head from the Tae-Bo kick]


LUCY: Baby!

CARTER: I'm a doctor, you're a med student, we shouldn't be doing this.

LUCY: [repulsed] What did you think I was going to do, kiss you passionately on the floor and nearly destroy my reputation?


LUCY: Puh-lease [runs out of room] SECURITY!!!


DAVE: Randi?

RANDI: [reading a print-out] What?

DAVE: Well, what do you think?

RANDI: [laughs] Well...

DAVE: You laughed...

RANDI: It's NC-17 female slash Chicago Hope fanfic...that *you* wrote...I had to.

DAVE: Hey, try writing something that hot.

RANDI: [scans over it] And I suppose these two doctors, just happened to get stuck in supply cupboard with a pair of handcuffs...

DAVE: Well...

RANDI: And they're both wearing sexy leather and lace lingerie in the middle of a 12 hour shift?

DAVE: Hey, it's my fic, maybe they do!

RANDI: Maybe...but one person I know around here really does.

DAVE: Who?

RANDI: [leans foward and whispers in his ear] Me.

DAVE: [raises his eyebrow and eyes her] Suture room, ten minutes.

RANDI: Bring the fic, I'll bring mine...[she eyes him slowly] we'll collaborate.

DAVE: [jaw drops]

[Randi walks past Chuni, neither look up]

CHUNI: Got him?

RANDI: [laughs] Got him!


DAVE: [IntuboCam in hand] Ladies and Gentlemen, Dave Malucci MD presents.... [drumrolls on the wall] ....'ER - Inside the Women's Room'

[Dave places IntuboCam in the corner and flees the room]

[stall opens, Weaver walks out and bend over the camera]

KERRY: Dr. Malucci, Kerry Weaver MD presents to you the term 'fired'.


KERRY: Mark?

MARK: [absorbed in 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets] Tee-hee-hee!

KERRY: Mark!

MARK: [annoyed] What now, Kerry...it's getting interesting, they've just had their first lesson with the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

KERRY: If you don't put that book down now, you're gonna need Defense Against the Dark Arts because I'll turn into a four-headded monster from the blue-lagoon.

MARK: There aren't any of those in Harry Potter.

ANDREW THE DESK CLERK: [looks up from 'Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire'] I think she meant a Dementor.




Told ya it was pathetic!

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