2.7.01 he loves me...he loves maxine(he was even late for our wedding day)
yes, the first day we met eye to eye
i admit id arrived a bit early
he took a school bus it want his fault
at the time it didnt cross my mind...
the second time was different
he came to my house. i had to be at school
by 12:30, so he came over
i cant recall being rushed. i just knew time didnt
exist right then
very true he said theyd be back by 5:30
only to keep me waiting till 9:30
sorry love, maxine stalled
the first hint of a dumb girl , i said, "its ok,
no really... lets go " and off we went into the night of unpredicament.
i knew pushing aside his quirks was ok
i knew continuing to do so could create drama for the future
but just wait till the next time...
it had to come within a month or two and boy was that true. sometimes i think
he is to involved with his friends. no its not wrong to be.
what is it i want?!
just someone who cares enough to call
or love me enough to... just be on time!
i dont care that i pushed it away one last time!
you know why? he called the next day to say
he was in traffic, maybe he does care.
wow he left his friends an hour early
to make amends with me. he wasnt as late as usual, whats up with that?
somethings alittle odd here. what could it be?
maybe he's starting to care...maybe.
you may belive he started to change
in the end,but was that really the end beggining or just continued?
a few years later he cared enough
to propse and set a date at the castle green
ya, he did show up...
he was even late for our wedding.

3.19.01 10pm
sometimes i dont need a reason to
care or miss you.most times i try to
figure it out.its less complicating when
we're in our place...where ever that
maybe.
alone.
you see...im begining to think
we're better left untouched.
maybewe should glue and replace whats been wounded.
there is a reason for all of this
i miss you today not as much as yesterdays.
its a miss thats calm.
i heard your voice today
i read some of your poetry too
and thats all i need to get me thinking
about our once little online fling
so perfect , so pure, was it really?

3.21.01
you have to know i still care
i know i never know how i feel at the moment
call me weird but thougths clutter.
makes me feel like i dont know what i want.
i guess it wasnt the right timing
to let you know that i do.
im scared to fall in love.
i dont want to give pieces of my heart away.
someone told me not to
but to let God have all my love
abd he will give it away for me.
whatever that means
if i dont know
maybe it assures me im not ready for romance

.march 27.01
as the pieces puzzle together
secrets reveal. frustration backs away.
understanding steps in its place.
thank you father i dont deserve knowledge of Truth
thank you Father for giving me Truth.
cant say i can repay you
can say that i love you
cant say i can prove it
can say you know my heart.
i wonder if anyone see's your truth in me
i dont see it today
i know its there but its awfuly small
i feel like people take you as a game
i sometimes take you forgranted
like today . ignoring your grace
its kind of weird that we are all the same.

3.28.01
i guess im a fraud
the puzzle is still being put together.
i tend to say things to soon
but so do you
we sit and think about the future
but arent we living for today?
we think we are and fall into trouble
im sorry Lord.
we say we gave love to the Lord
but why arent we moving on?
if i move on i know ill just find somene new to take your place
i have a boy in mind
and he will leave me with regrets
i know im playing with fire
testing is wrong.i feel like its to easy
i can take a step and BAM! ill be in deep...
just something to think about.

june '01
i miss the winter...when its nic n chilly. i can wear my turtle necks while sipping on tea left from the last time someone had a cold.im tired of not having any cute dresses to wear in the summer breeze...this heat is getting to me...while i work everyone is playing at the beach and im sitting alone in a beauty supply waiting for a cute boy to pass by...so many cute boys but it makes no difference when you are just a swaet shop girl...waiting for summer to end only to start a new season///with clasped hands held on so tight to memories. theyve been tossed and crumpled like the tissue swearing never to let go. why havent i bought a hankercheif....i never plan.

untitled
dont ever let me fall in love again.i dont see how it works...how two can become one in this world.its only through my selfsihness that i start to believe i can fall in love again.
dont ever let me fall in love again. ill never be ready. he will ask me to marry... but wont know who he was asking. if i said yes hed never know who i really was... i want to start all over ... this just isnt worth it anymore.

august 27th '01
why do you call me when you believe with all of your heart i wont call back? why do you call knowing i will when you like someone else? what do you want from me?im left here confused and hurt all the time. stop calling, stop hurting me. its not what i want but i dont see anything good right now. im tired.

memories held....not yet fogotten

4.5.01
_ _ _ _ if you were to ever tell ne you werent in love with me...id probably fall in pieces. id try so hard to get you back. if you didnt notice ive been there before. not that it was in that order or said that way. now its me. undecided me. never constant.blowing up and down kust like the wind.we know theres a trend.but never sure when it will come

april 14th 01
what is "it"? i can fly...meant to be...give me space...there...
what "it" is exactly.
it is where we arent afaid to fly.its meant to be. it is there. it is it. please give me outter space... GIVE ME SPACE! IT IS THERE! if its meant to be . it is. i cant fly alone...
what remains the same.

.untitled
theres a reason for everything.God has me here. my life is a mosaic. God see's it as a beauty.all i can see is lonliness and confusion. i am part of his body, but i sure screwed up alot. i am hanging by a limb.
i am very passionate, but when doubt and insecurities kick in... i fall to the ground... more hard then the last. life seems to get hard as the days pass. ALL i can do is pray

5.30.01 perfect boy
i want the perfect boy with the perfect friends. if he has those perfect friends then i know hes doing swell.
i dont want to live in a mansion but i do want to make enough to have that perfect house with the perfect children and a cat named cleo.
i can sit here and want life to go my way. nothing is perfect... this is how things are really going:
i wake up drench myself in perfumes and makeup.n need for a wig when i dye my hair everyday. go to work try to hide my frown because things arent goign my way.

untitled again
you can sit there and tell me its wrong to think my way.but we both know we can never be what we really want eahcother to be.
im not sure if you are "emo" enough to sit there and think about what you really want.what is it you are looking for? what is it that you see in me? whaen ever i really get to saying what is on my mind i feel terrible that i said it.since you tell me its unhealthy... when its just my way of thinking.
i guess im not going to brng this up to you today because youd start a scene.....anyway im off tobed.

untitled
this one last time...
ill take a look into the past
i dont know why God gave us memories
melts away the little heart thats left from broken love...i dont want to cry anymore.
this one last time...it cant be the last...ill wait till forever.

untitled
all the seasons have passed and still weve never spent a summer night together. summer was never fun,even though it ment lazy hours spent doing nothing, id rather have winter and sping time in your arms. the chill always gave me that thrill of holding your hand around mine.

june 21st
i knew to let my infatuation to get to know you had to be released before regret could step in. but i didnt. i gave myself to you in secret. you had to have seen . im obvious. but you didnt. you were to caught up with youself. you can tell me ive been wrong all along, but i wont change how i think anymore the lines you drew were so wrong.

june 22
regret... its not regret
some of your words are true. some of mine are too.
its strange that we are so alike
i want to admit it but do you feel the same way?
your words are true
im scared just like you
the understanding is kicking in
God showed me his goodness again

june 22nd...boohoohoo shes so so sad
i cant find the answers i need to get thru this day. im so sad. i knew i wouldnt have the courage to let go. he swears id change. or he knew i wouldnt and thats why h said them so easily. it always seems to be the exact opposite these days . out come the words from our lips. i want him to sit right nxt to me on this swing. he cant and we wont im not sure when im so sad i cant say anything today.

hide n seek /june23
i will admit we have our truths.ill never take truth forgranted.ill sit here and listen to your side,but i wont keep being your secret spot.you can play hide n seek but i cant take this game anymore.none was made to last long.moms calling me in for lunch. plus weve played since last summer. its time to rest.ill enjoy the break.go out to the park, find someone new to play a better game. or just sit and relate...unlike those rambling tea parties when you were the host and i was the stuffed animals. you created the games we played.now whats next? im getting to old for this.

june23
am i fooling myself as i tell everyone how much i miss you? they have everyright to ask why. to be honest ...i dont have a clue. i can say i miss your touch and the company but is that good enough to keep having your surprise lies? the whole relationship was built on your hidden surprises. everything you said to me, i took serious. all the runors , they were true. i cant honestly say anymore that i miss you.
built up dreams,
stole my tomorrows
restless nights
i want to end this sorrow

june22
theres not enough memories to take me straight into tomorrow.iwant you here.youre my drug.you make me toss and turn wishing wanting.trying so hard to not crave your body beside mine. i chew on ice to remember cold nights. im tired of this frozeness but it reminds me of you.its melting in this summer heat.but it makes no difference . well have to wait till summer is thru.

june22
all the seasons have passed.still weve never spent a summer night together.
all the seasons have passed still weve never seen the sunset beside eachother.
lots of black skies...not enough twinkling stars
id love to recount the skylite, but the kids have scared him away.
im not leaving this swing.

7-26-01
this isnt what i expected my family to be. i never knew zombies passing eachother by day and night could be labeled as a family. i dont want anyone to pass away in this state of mind.
my family . you can grow up with Christianity. doesnt mean it will be easily passed in the family tree.
im scared to make a family of my own...the way things are going. i scare myself to death.

7-27-01
broken heart and family is all i seem to write about.
both can be a blessing neither seem to want me.
hate and dissapointment. id rather call it resentment.

shrinking time
growing up makes me wish i can grow down
responibility to curiosity ,working long hours
th worst of life first
we'd "still" have heaven years after
its not the responsibility .
we all lack that too.

"hello.tomorrow"
wish on a dream
the ones that have been forgotten
sleep in peace
like the times dreams came true

the nightmares will soon be over
once idleness unsets

rise on up
the sun has unset
dreams of tomorrow are here

live each day
as though there are no tomorrows
i wave farewell to my worthless desires

i never wanted to kiss
my yesterdays goodbye.

".the old lady in me."
you say you want this.you say want that. its all in the music. i thought you were being real. i thought alot about what you said. i still dont understand.
is the beauty in understanding. or is the understanding in the beauty. whatever that means.
its not about understanding eachother. its about truth. whatever we set our lives on. thats the only way we can come together.
i dont care about understanding anyone anymore. i dont care about alot that i used to. although i admit i still struggle.
the way we live our lives show a great deal of our beliefs on truth. i know my life looks pretty dusty, cracked and rusty.im young but i feel ten times older emotionally.

"please forgive me."
...i overheard a guy tell a girl it takes a while for true forgiveness. what more could she do.what more could she say. not a thing. she prayed. oh yes, the price was paid.
its never good enough until they say ok.they all want to be original and independent. they dont give a damn when they're spit on, they dont care when people ignore them. that must be why they idolize Jesus... they all want to be like him. why do we all want to be so real. we dont need anything.just ourselves. Life's perfect. we're great. we love living our life away from rules and regulations. thats why we set our own standards. If it doesn't fit. it's drop kicked.
...i overheard a guy tell a girl it takes a while for true forgiveness. what more could she do.what more could she say. not a thing. she prayed. oh yes, the price was paid.
never thought she'd encounter so many dramatics. i guess she had offended lives. is it wrong to speak your mind. oh i get it! it's right to hide behind a mask to please the world. the truth hurts. yes i know. the sunshine beams off our foney smiles. thats why we have so many friends. oh wait, i am wrong again.
...i overheard a guy tell a girl it takes a while for true forgiveness. what more could she do.what more could she say. not a thing. she prayed. oh yes, the price was paid.
ok i get it! we wont ever come to an understanding until one of us hops to the other side of the line. i may wobble but i wont tip. i'll promise not to promise anything.

”her hair”
-=-=-=-=
kiss me goodbye
im going to feel refreshed today
i promise
youll see me different
i wont seem the same

no more journal entries
no more emails
no more complete sadness
when i miss you

no more broken promises
no more surprise lies
no more nothings

just one more sorry
but we cant today
you know we cant
just one more fight
we cant take it

we cant play anymore
summer season was never ours
we can leave it to you and your fun
while i bury myself
waiting for the autumns sun.

more then an ordinary sunshine
where is my sunshine>i miss my sunshine>he made me happy>when i was with him>still...god took my sunshine away>he took my sunshine >he took my sunshine>we're doing better>then when we were together>but i still miss him so very very very much>i pray i can see my sunshine again>i still love you god.