It seems I have been controling the weather with my moods. On days when I'm sad, it's dark and dreary. Very sad days are rainy and suicidal days- thunder and lightning. Bikeriding on sad days only brings the downpour one block closer to my vast destination. And by the time I get home it's thundering and I'm chanting "I should never have been born" as I drag myself inside, soaked and dripping wet. Inside, I find my bloodret paint and dye. Tears obscuring my face, I drag a metallic nail file through the paint and then across each wrist. Then I put some drops of stage blood onto the immitation gashes and try to make myself believe this is real. The dye makes two pools on my bedsheets marking the resting place for each hand.

All this to try to kill the beast within. I already have the layout in my head to hang myself, drown myself and throw myself off the edge of a building. But for now, it's warm and sunny and the air is sweet...