Never cry, Never smile. Quoth the Raven, Nevermore. All too often, I find myself wanting to cut myself at the thought of any mistake I made in a relationship. You see, I do not find myself to be a horrible girlfriend, let alone a horrible person in general, but I also do not know why anyone would want to go out with me, or wouldn’t. I have always been a great person to my friends, or at least I try to be. Yet any of the friends I make whom I would greatly enjoy dating never see an equal interest in me. I am always “Friend”. And that is all I will ever be to these people who complain about never having girlfriends. “Friend.”
I dated a wonderful person whom I loved with all my heart only to come to realize that he would never love me the same way. How my heart screamed my love for him every time he found the time to look into my eyes. How I wanted him to hear my heart through the veils of the flesh. But somehow my heart knew better than to allow me to scream it for myself. It knew he would never love me. It knew I would become “Friend” very soon and it would happen sooner if I let my heart out through my lips.
So after five months and twenty eight days of being forced to shut my heart out of my world, I found myself on a one way street to Heartbreak Hotel. And in so many words, I had the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech recited to me. And now I’ve come to realize what I had known the whole time. It WAS me. It IS me. Always and Forever. Me. There were times I found myself wanting nothing more than to stop being “Friend” to anyone. Especially to him. I could not speak to him without letting him hurt me to the point of drowning out the pain with alcohol. Without clouding my thoughts with smoke, without seeing fit to end it all…
I wondered what it was he looked for in a girlfriend now that he had finished using one that was nice to him. And his answer: someone who did not wake him up in the morning.
One flaw.
What do we have if not ourselves? I am who I am. I cannot change that and I WILL not change that. I dress the way I dress, talk the way I talk, act the way I act, wake when I wake (and by chance may wake the one who lets me sleep next to him). All out of an understanding that if I stay true to myself, then only those who remain true to me as well as themselves will remain close. Any man or woman ready to stand on his or her own two feet is the enemy to the world, and in the end, my best friend.
Today, I am in love with someone who loves me back the same. And I am “Happy”. Not “Friend”. Not “Used”. I am what is most important for me to be. I am “Fawn”. Quoth the Raven, Nevermore.