11/20/01




It's the American Dream. It sounds great in theory, but how can it be that easy? I want to cut the "us" from my life and become "Tom and I" again. I want to say "I want things to go back to the way they were," but seeing as how we'd somehow skipped the whole "friends first" stage of our courtship, I don't see that happening. I wish we could just be friends. I mean, I'll never see him, anyway. I don't do long distance relationships. What am I saying?!? I don't do relationships at all! I like being with a guy, yeah,, but on a strictly non-committed basis. If I want to see other people, I will, and I don't want hurt feelings involved. I like Tom enough to enjoy his company immensly, but not enough to be hurt if we split. I should have said that to him when we had our talk, instead of waiting to attempt to say it last night when I tried to cut the "us" from the situation. I never should have let us become so deeply involved. The last thing I ever wanted was to become "attached" or let the other in question become "attached". Because when they get attached, they become a part of you, whether you like it or not, and tearing something from you hurts more than taking something or cutting something from you. I can't look at him. Guilt trips seep out of his pores and I get caught when I look, and though the guilt gets to me, if I get caught, I won't be able to get my words out. It seems that I'm being manipulated by some nameless demon from beyond our plain of existence. And it spoke to me in my own voice, letting me believe I was hearing my own conscience. I was losing sight of my won reasons, so I was weak. It just took over and I let it happen. And I let Tom talk me into "trying to make it work". And now I've become a servant to the demon inside. I've spent forever trying to build up my defenses, only to have that what allows me to be controlled! I've become a prisoner of my own cage. -F.L.