Tell me this, oh Diary of mine; Why is abandonment always in abundance when you really need someone by your side? Today I found out my sweet cousin died after being in a coma since before Christmas. And I didn't cry. Why not? The only time I even came close to crying was when I was contemplating my feelings toward the situation. I didn't, nor do I still know how to feel. I wondered if he even got to read (or had been read to of) the things I wrote in the journal circulating the waiting room. Then I thought about me not having visited him. It made me very sad and discontent to know I had the chance to see him one last time, but I was too scared. Then I remembered that the accident left him a wreck and I didn't want to see him in a coma or mangled. Then I felt contentment for never seeing him that way. I would rather remember him the way he was. So anyway, these opposite feelings came at full force. It was a confusing battle and the result was that each emotion had slain each other and now I feel empty inside. I really didn't want to go to work today, but I was cool that I did. Z dragged me out of the swamps of nether emotions and we had some fun. Well, I didn't get to go to Poppy's tonight, but I got to call Brett and we talked about random things like we always do, which was nice and it made me feel much better. I feel kinda bad that I cried at him, though. I really hate to go to bed feeling so empty, but I'll just see what tomorrow brings and hope some other emotion will take over where emptiness left off. Well, g'night. Happy St. Patty's Day.