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Christian Burns: The Edge of Insanity

Shut Up, You Muffin!

Monday, April 22nd, 2001 Cigarettes- 0 (I've kicked that habit! Yeah baby!) Alcohol Units- 2 (good) Times looked in mirror- 134 (Sadly, this is a v. hard habit to kick. Especially when you don't have a hair dryer.) Times lost hair dryer- don't have a hair dryer to loose. Times watched Mary Kate and Ashley movies[rented]- 100 (v.good-progress)

9:03am- I just got back from the shops! I am at Mark's flat. I got this new journal and I am super excited! It is a lovely little journal. Yes you are, you cutie! It's been quite a while since I was able to write in a journal as I couldn't afford a new one (Mark disagrees - as usual) before now. I have saved and saved all my money and finally could afford the 3 pounds for this one.

9:12am- You may be wondering why it took me so long to save up. Well, a lad does get hungry, you know. And Mickey D's is not cheap.

9:14am- Mark disagrees with that too. I suppose next he'll be disagreeing that my name is Christian Anthony Burns. Well it is.

9:16am- I want to change the subject now. Don't want to talk about Mark. Will talk about my hair dryer instead.

9:20am- V.sad indeed. Have not had a hair dryer since that awful day in February. Poor little bugger.

9:23am- My hair has grown back, thank goodness. We did have to shave it, though. Dreadful. One good thing came out of this. A moral, perhaps?

9:26am- The moral is this: "Never knit your hair dryer a sweater and forget to take it off before turning it on. It will end in disaster." Also, "Flames spread quickly, watch your head."

9:30am- I have learned the hard way, but at least I have learned. I am now saving all my money for a hair dryer. Will take a lot more time because hair dryers are more costly than journals. Even the great journals like you.

9:45am- I was just thinking. When we were on that plane to Austraila and they showed Mary-Kate and Ashley movies, it rekindled what I had buried inside for so long. That I love those little girls. They are just so remarkably cute and I intend to go out and buy some of their movies to have with me always.

9:54am- Will have to borrow some money from Mark as I only have one pound.

10am- Mark says to wait until we go to America tomorrow because videos are cheaper over there. For once, Mark is right.

10:03am- Wow. I just reread that. Mark is right. What was I thinking writing that? Am I mad? I should never admit to that!

10:09am- "Are you sure you won't lend me a few pounds, Marky?"
"No."
"But Mark, I really want to watch Mary-Kate and Ashley!"
"Stop whining, Chris." Ste puts in.
"Oh shut up, Little Ste."
"Christian, he's told you NOT to call him that. Plus, you have enough money to get a movie."
"I do not! Shut UP, you muffin!" I slam the door on Mark and walk right out. That'll teach him to mess with me! Especially when I want money for a MK and A movie.

10:11am- Suppose I could write to MK and A and ASK for a movie? Perhaps I will get a free one? I'll pose this quesiton to Ste, as Mark is no longer talking to me. He's in the loo, apparently got a bloody nose. Poor chap, must be too high an altitude for him. And in his own flat. Too bad.

10:30am- Have gone back to Mark's flat. He's lying on the couch with an icepack. Little Ste says I slammed the door on his nose and broke it. Oh well, serves Mark right. He shouldn't mess with me. I am on the war path.

10:34am- I have no hair dryer. I am in mourning.

10:39am- "I'm sorry, Marky. I did not mean to break your nose."
"It's alright." Mark says, his nose is very nasily. I can't help laughing.
Ste has to pull me from the room as not to make Mark any angrier.

10:46am- "Honestly, Little Ste, his voice is hillarious! I am cracking up!"
Ste laughs a tiny little bit, "It is a bit funny, isn't it?"

12:01pm- Am back at my flat. Little Ste dropped me off here. He's gone home too. I will have to watch reruns of Full House to fufill my Olsen Twins needs.

12:34pm- Never mind Full House reruns, Making the Band is on! Wicked!

12:45pm- Tissues strewn all over room. Everyone is crying in this episode! Me included!

12:55pm- I wish they'd stop that, I must look an aweful mess.

12:59pm- Another episode is on next! Yippee!

1:33pm- On couch, still watching Making the Band.

1:35pm- Phone is ringing. Do not want to answer it.

1:36pm- "Hullo?"
"Hello Christian, darling."
"Mum? Why are you calling when Making the Band is on?"
"Making the what?"
"Nevermind. Hullo Mum." I crane my neck back into the living room, hoping to see some of the show. Can't. It's an addvertisment. Blasted McDonalds! NO! Not blasted McDonalds. Good McDonalds. Will have to go there straight away to appologize to Ronald.
"Hello Darling. I was just wondering what you wanted for Christmas."
"Mum! It's April!"
"Yes, but I like to get the shopping done early. It'll take me weeks to get everyone bought for. Of course your father is no help."
"Of course." It's best to agree when she says things like this.
"So what is it that Mummy can get for you?"
"A hair dryer."
"I thought you had one."
"Remember the hair accident?"
"Yes."
"Well, I had to throw it away." A tear escapes my eye, but I must not cry anymore tears over the hair dryer.
"That's too bad, darling. Why don't I get you that?"
"Yes, Mum, that's what I said."
"Splendid, darling. Splendid. See you soon! Kisses!"

1:45pm- I am getting a new hair dryer! Horrah!

Tuesday, April 23rd, 2001 Alcohol Units- 1 (v.good) Times looked in mirror- 100 (good) McDonalds- 1 hamburger, 1 strawberry shake (must be slipping.) Times watched Mary Kate and Ashley movies[rented]- 12 (great) Times thought about hair dryer- 3 (v.good)

3:04pm- I've been walking around my flat all day packing up odds and ends. Plane takes off at 6. It's v. sad that I don't have to pack a hair dryer. You should see what this devastation is doing to my hair! I have to slick it back for it to look even a little bit okay.

3:08pm- That is very sad indeed, because we all know slicked back hair is not 'in' right now. Oh well.

3:13pm- Had McDonalds for lunch today. Haven't really wanted to go there for a while. I mean, I still love it and all. But I don't want to go there as much as I used to. Am probably slowly going mad. That's all.

5:34pm- At the airport waiting to board. Am v.glad I bought this new journal. I was going crazy not having a place to write things down. I thought about writing things on different papers, but it's easier for people to read that if they're strewn over the flat. And of course they would be because I am not a good housekeeper.

5:43pm- A lad cannot be good at everything, can he? I'll have to look into that. Let's see what I'm good at.

1.) Singing
2.) Playing guitar
3.) Fixing my hair
4.) Knitting
5.) Eating Mickey D's.
6.) Watching MK and A
7.) Playing tricks on Little Ste and Marky. (I know I promised not to, but I was just kidding myself.)
8.) Making bassinetes for hair dryers.
9.) Writing in journals
10.) hmmm. Will have to think of one later. Little Ste is pulling on me. Must go.

6:15pm- On the plane. Cannot think of anything else I'm good at. Will have to think about it and write it while I'm on the plane. It'll be my project for the plane ride. Yippe!

6:59pm- Continuing the list now.
10.) Snogging.
11.) Driving (Sometimes)
12.) Fashion
13.) Reading. (I am quite good at that, actually)
14.) Listening to music. (V.easy to do)
15.) Spending my money.
16.) Going mad. No, no, no. Mark has just written that. Although, maybe he has a point. Will leave it.
17.) Flirting. Hahahhaha. Am REALLY good at that.
18.) Shopping (this is the only one Mark hasn't laughed at)
19.) Signing autographs. (Ste says this one, although I don't recall signing that many)
20.) Dancing. (Mark disagrees-strongly. Maybe he's right. I am not a great dancer really.)

8:09pm- What do you think of the list? I think it's quite good. Maybe number 20 could use some help. I am a good dancer sometimes, but other times I'm just not. Maybe I should change it to dresser? Or would that be too similar to fashion?

9:11pm- Leaving it. It's good. V.good.

9:13pm- Bond. Christian Bond. HAHAHAHAHAHahahahahaha.

9:15pm- Oh. I crack myself up. I'm going to go to sleep now because Mark says I'm sounding a bit funny. Goodnight.

Wednesday, April 24th, 2001 3:33am- Am at the hotel, just getting into bed. Long flight. I will write more tomorrow when I go and get MK and A videos!!!!!

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Hairy Legs

Wednesday, April 24th, 2001 (continued from 3:33am) Alcohol Units- 3 Times looked in mirror- 27 (hey, that's my age!) McDonalds- 2 Big Macs, 3 chips, 2 strawberry milkshakes (those things are addicting) and 4 warm apple pies. Times watched Mary Kate and Ashley movies[rented]- 12 (great) Times thought about hair dryer- 14

7:00am- Up and ready for the day. Completey chipper. Well, chipper for a person who got a total of 3 hours of sleep. Anyway. Little Ste is snoring and Mark is humming in his sleep. Hahahahahaha. Mark hums in his sleep!

7:02am- Wait. What's that he's singing?

7:03am- HahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry. HAHAHA can't write. HAHAHAHaha laughing too hard. Hahahahaha.

7:14am- Have calmed myself down. Mark is humming-hahahahaha-the theme from Sesame Street! hahahaha!

7:30am- In the shower. Hahahahahaha. Mark was humming the theme from Sesame Street!!!! HAha!

7:32am- Toweling myself off. Sorry I got you all wet. I won't take you into the shower with me again. I just don't want to loose you.

7:36am- Theme from Sesame Street! In his sleep! Humming! HAHAHAHAHAHahahahaha!

7:39am- Sorry. Have gotten off track again. Actually, I rather like Sesame Street. Loved it when I was a wee lad. Elmo rocks. Well, Big Bird is good too. No, wait. Cookie Monster.

7:42am- I'll have to ask Mark who his favourite is. Hahahaha.

7:43am- Mark is just out of bed. Perfect time to ask him.
"Good morning, Marky."
"Grumble, grumble, grumble." I don't really know what he said, so I've put 'grumble'.
"What's that, Marky?"
"Don't call me that."
Mark, at this point, tumbles out of bed and I get a glimpse of his underwear. HAHAHAHAHAHAHahahaha.

7:48am- Guess what Mark has on his underware? BIG BIRD! I guess that answers my question.

7:51am- HAHAHAHAHAHA.

7:54am- "Christian, have you gone mad?"

7:55am- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That was Little Ste asking me that. Of course I have not gone mad.

7:57am- Disturbing picture keeps popping into my brain. Mark in his skivies. Ug. GET OUT, YOU NASTY IMAGE! GET OUT! Mark in his skivies. Ug.

8:03am- "Marky?" I am knocking on the loo door while Mark brushes his teeth.
"Humph?"
"What?"
"Humph!"
"What?"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT, CHRISTIAN?!"
"Who is your favorite Sesame Street character?"
"Why are you asking him that?" Little Ste says to me from behind.
"Because, Little Ste," I turn to him, "Marky hums in his sleep and he was humming the theme from Sesame Street."
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. You were, Mark?" Little Ste shouts into the loo.
"Humph." I think Mark is mad at us.
"What's that, Mark?"
"My favorite character is Cookie Monster." Ste says.
"Mine too!" I say, excited. Finally, something in common with Little Ste!
"What's your's Mark?" Ste asks.f
"BIG BIRD!" Mark shouts back.

8:30am- Little Ste and I are laughing like mad while Mark is still in the loo. I imagine his little ears are quite pink from embarrassment. Hahahaha.

8:34am- Mark informs me that if I do not leave the hotel room immediately I WILL be hurt.

8:38am- Am scurrying out of hotel as fast as my legs will carry me.

8:40am- No problem, wanted to go to the shops anyway. Now's my chance before our interview at 11.

8:46am- Walking around town. Did I tell you where I was? Well, I don't know, but I don't have time to look back. We're in Los Angeles again. For a few days only.

8:49am- They do have wonderful shops here. No M-K and A videos yet, though.

9:03am- Still looking. Maybe I should use my mobile to dial Ste and ask him?

9:06am- "Hullo?"
"Ste? It's Chris. What shop would I find M-K and A videos?"
"M-K and what?"
"Mary-Kate and Ashley. Honestly, Ste. You should know these things. You're supposed to be smart."
"Christian, what the heck are you talking about?"
"Never mind. Will find a place on my own."
"Did you try Wal-Mart?"
"STE! You're a genius!"

9:15am- Ste is off the mobile and I am in a taxi. Where is the Wal-Mart though?

9:19am- Still looking. Taxi driver does not speak English. Well, he doesn't speak my type of English. He seems to mistake my words or some such nonsense. Should get out straight away and find a British taxi driver. Shouldn't be hard.

9:23am- I was wrong, it is hard. Can't find a British taxi-driver in all of Los Angeles. But oh well. Will find an American and talk v.slowly.

10:01am- Am walking around Wal-Mart. Just got here. Ooh. That's a pretty girl over there. Maybe I'll go talk to her.

10:12am- Still talking to girl. She has on a mini skirt and her legs are remarkably smoothe and shiny. I really want to ask her how she does it. My legs are v.hairy and grose. Oh no, what would she think of them if she saw them? I must ask her how she does it!

10:15am- Have been slapped in the face. Not at all unusual. Apparently that girl did not want to share her secret with me. Oh well.

10:30am- Ditching this mission and returning to hotel. Some other day I'll have to get M-K and A videos. Right now I just want to ponder that girl's smooth legs.

10:33am- No one is in the room. Ste and Mark must have skipped out. Gives me plenty of alone time. That's good.

10:36am- Am in the loo sitting on the toilet with the lid down. I am examining Mark's razor. It is much sharper than mine. Mine is quite dull. I usually have to shave three to four times a day to get the mustache off. Anyway. Do you spose that girl used a razor to get the hair off her legs? I have never heard of such nonsense, but I cannot think of another way to do it.

10:39am- Have decided to shave my legs using Mark's sharp razor and Ste's shaving cream. Ste's shaving cream is the best smelling. It smells like flowers. Sort of.

10:41am- Lathering up good. One handed as I am balancing this journal and my pen on the other leg with my other hand. Didn't realize I could write so well with my left hand. I can actually read my writing a little.

10:43am- The Stever is v.smart to buy the good shaving cream. The Stever is a good name for Little Ste. Maybe I'll retire Little Ste and replace it with The Stever. Hmm. Anyway. He doesn't buy the cheap stuff like me that is paper thin. His shaving cream costs a lot of money, but it is worth it as it actually covers both my legs with about 20 squirts. I have quite a bit of shaving cream on me.

10:46am- Time to put this journal down and shave all my nasty hair off. Oh I can't wait!!! Super shiny and smooth legs!!!! WOOO! I'm going to be a chick magnet for sure! No more slaps in the face for Christian Burns. No way.

10:50am- HELP! I'm bleeding! I'm hemorrhaging! BLOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE!! The loo floor is covered! My hands are covered! I'm trying to mop up my stinging leg with a towel but I have had to use three already on one leg. It's amazing how little a big towel can obsorb when you have both tons of shaving cream and blood. YUCK!

10:54am- Deep calming breaths. Am holding the towel onto my bleeding leg to stop the bleeding. I only did 2 sweeps with the razor. How can so little space produce so much blood?

10:58am- Phew. The blood has stopped. I can finally pull the towel off my leg.

11:03am- I am feeling a bit woozy from the loss of blood. Maybe I'll just lie down for a while.

11:09am- CAN'T! The blood has begun again! Those little buggers can certainly cause a lot of damage in a short time. I've used up 10 towels so far. The floor is littered with them and specks of blood and globs of shaving cream. The Stever and Marky are going to kill me!

11:11am- "Chris?" Mark is yelling. They're back!! OH NO! I'm in for it now!

11:13am- "Oh my God! What has happened here?" Mark says, pushing past the towels to kneel next to me. I am still holding onto the towel which is stoping the blood on my leg.

11:18am- Deep breaths. Deep breaths. The Stever is sitting next to me on the bed, giving me sips of water while Mark curses in the loo cleaning up. Had quite a scare there. Almost as bad as my hair burning.

11:20am- That makes me sad. RIP little friend.

11:21am- Crying, can't stop. First my hair dryer is gone and now my legs are all chopped up. What is a lad to do?

11:24am- Ste is trying to calm me down.
"All right now, Chris?"
"Yes, Stever. Thank you."
"What happened to Litte Ste?" Ste asks.
"You didn't like it."
"Well it's not much better than Stever."
"Take your pick. Either Little Ste or The Stever. Final offer."
Ste sighs like he's had a long day and picks neither.
I'm about to throw a fit about that.
11:27am- My fit is over. Feel much better now. I have, however, just realized that we have missed our 11 o'clock interview.

11:30am- "MARK! I'm sorry about the interview!"
Mark pokes his head out of the loo "What interview?"
"The one at 11."
"Oh, never mind. It was rescheduled for tomorrow. You just get some rest." Wow, Mark is being friendly all of a sudden. Must have realized how much trauma I have ensued today.
"Thank you, Marky."
"Want us to get you some food later?" Ste asks, standing up.
"Yes please." I'm getting friendliness and free food! Yippee!
Mark comes out of the loo and throws all the razors away into the trash.
"Better safe than sorry." He says, heading back into the loo.

11:40am- I do suppose he's right after all. I did cause quite a problem. And I still have grose hairy legs.

11:59am- Well, there's always tomorrow!

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Knicker-Dropper

Thursday, April 25th, 2001 Alcohol Units: 0 Times looked in mirror: 0 McDonalds: 1 bucket of chips Times made fun of Mark: 709 Times thought about hair dryer: 4 (progress.*sniff*)

7:03am- You know, it's amazing the kind of clarity a lad gets in the early am. I, myself, am not usually up before the sun, but I should try it more often. I was up around 3am this morning and did some exercises. I was singing the whole time and I woke Mark and Ste up, but it was worth it. I have to work off all that McDonalds eventually or I will have a saggy stomach like Mark. No one wants that.

7:10am- My legs have finally stopped stinging and they no longer start to bleed the second I pull my pants on. They were really hurting there for a while, though. Dangerous contraptions, those razors. Thank Goodness Mark threw them away.

7:14am- Oh no. Ste has just realized his shaving cream is near the end. He wants to know if I used it yesterday.
"Of course not, Stever. Why would I?"
"How else did you shave your legs, then?"
"I used butter."
"BUTTER?" Mark asks, entering the room.
"Yes. Amazing to lather on. Good stuff, really." At this point, I am pretending to be v. interested in this diary as not to cause suspision.
"Didn't help nix the cuts though." Marks says.
"No." I agree. "But butter is not supposed to. It's supposed to be a condiment."
"No. It's supposed to be butter." Mark replies.

7:20am- And they say I'M stupid. Ha. The shoe is on the other hand now.

7:22am- I'm not the one who hums Sesame Street in his sleep. Although, come to think of it, I did hum it while I did my sit up's this morning. Well, musn't tell Marky.

7:23am- Other hand? Hands don't wear shoes. Where did I get that?

7:24am- The shoe is on the other what?

7:25am- Marky and Stever say the shoe is on the other FOOT. Of course. I wear shoes on my FEET. Silly, Christian.

7:27am- That is not the first time I've gotten those olden days sayings wrong. That's for sure.

7:30am- Well, today is a day of nothing. Except an interview with BOP magazine around 1pm. We are doing nothing today but packing and hanging around the hotel room. In three days, I'm going home to London and we've got a few days off. Then we'll be doing some writing for the new album and some recording. On May 17th I'm going to record a song called "On The Line" which is a song for the movie On The Line which stars Lance and Joey from *NSYNC. Should be fun. It'll be a bit odd though, because I'll be recording in London and the producer will be in the states. I've never done that before, but I'm not worried.

8:09am- Sorry, I had to put this down because Ste sat on my bed and turned the telly on. I don't know why he's being so chummy lately but it's making me nervous. You don't suppose he wants a peek at this journal? No, no. Don't worry. I won't let him touch you. He is being awefully nice though. Hmmm.

8:11am- What has Mark put him up to?

8:15am- Mark is going to go downstairs and get a bite to eat for breaky. (Australian for breakfast. I've been watching too much Our Lips Are Sealed.) He wants to know if I want to go. No sir! No way!

8:30am- Okay, they are gone. Now, as I was saying. I'm not worried about recording by myself in London while the producer is in the states. It should be jolly fun because on May 28th I'm to go to LA and film the video for it. The song actually features a bunch of us chaps. Joey and Lance. A group called True Vibe. I've never met them. And Mandy Moore. I can't wait!

8:45am- I was just flipping through the telly channels and I found a channel called Fox Family. I think I've actually been on that channel before. Anyway. M-K and A are on!!!! My favorite of their movies!!! To Grandmother's House We Go! That is my favorite because they are so cute in it! Wearing their little Santa Claus hats and all. I'm just going to settle in and watch for a while. Then I'll jump in the shower.

9:57am- That is by far the cutest movie of all time. I mean, what is better? M-K and A on their way to Grandma's. V. cute indeed.

10:00am- Stever and Marky are not back yet. V. suspisious. Would get out of bed and investigate but waiting to see what's on next on the telly. Fox Family is a brilliant channel.

10:02am- M-K and A all the time!!! A marathon!!!! I shall never leave the room until it's over!!!

10:06am- That'll be hard considering my stomach is all grumbly. I must be hungry. Maybe I can get Marky to get me some food and bring it up. McDonalds of course.

10:09am- The film on right now is Our Lips Are Sealed which I've seen about a million and a half times. I'll just put my jumper on and run down the stairs in search of breaky and Marky and Stever. Quick like a bunny of course, that way I'll only miss a little.

10:15am- Marky is coming off the elevator just as I am leaving the room.
"Where have you been, Marky-Mark?"
"Marky-Mark? Do I look like I'm dropping my knickers? Can you see my skivies?"
"Please, Marky-Mark. Do not remind me of your Big Bird skivies. Where have you been?"
"I repeat, do I look like I'm dropping my knickers for all to see?"
"Now, listen here. Marky-Mark is no longer a knicker-dropper. He is a v. successful actor. He was in Planet of the Apes, you know. He can do a lot more than just drop his knickers in public. And please, don't get any ideas."
"Ideas?"
"Yes, of dropping your knickers." Stever is getting off the elevator. Oh no.
"What are you two muffins talking about?" Stever wonders.
"We're having a v. heated discussion about Marky-Mark." Mark answers.
"The knicker-dropper." I clarify as the Stever may not know who Marky-Mark is. "Also, he is the brother of Donny who was in the New Kids on the Block."
"Where are you getting all this?" Mark asks, "Have you been at his website?"
"Website? What ever are you talking about?" Like I'm allowed on a computer. Ha.
Mark sighs. "Oh never mind. Come on Ste."
Marky and Little Stever (clever, combining the two!) turn to go into the room. I cannot let them go without having the last word.
"What kind of skivies do you have on today, Marky? Big Bird? Or ELMO?"

10:30am- Mark is now a bright shade of red. I never did find out what kind of skivies he has on. Not that I want to know. I'll just get nightmares.

11:30am- Little Stever and I are watching Our Lips Are Sealed. He's on the bed and I'm on the floor with a bucket of chips. I have this bucket now. I got it from Marky. He bought it for me today. I guess they went to the shops whlie I was watching M-K and A. This chip bucket is blue and I took it into Mickey D's and had them fill it. Didn't cost much. Now I have all the chips I can eat.

11:33am- Mark says he has half a mind to take it back. But he didn't. It's not like he has half a mind anyway.

11:34am- I'm as happy as an oyster.

11:36am- How do you know if oysters are happy?

11:37am- I will ask. "Little Stever, how do you know if an oyster is happy?"
"What on Earth are you talking about, Chris? And why are you calling me that?"
"I combined your two nicknames. Pretty clever, eh? So, how do you tell?"
"I don't know. Why?"
"Well I'm as happy as an oyster. But how do you tell if an oyster is happy?"
"Happy as a clam. That's the saying."
"OOOoooooooh. Thanks."

11:43am- I'm as happy as a clam.

11:44am- But how do you tell if a clam is happy?

11:47am- I can tell it's going to be a long while for me to figure this one out. I CAN TELLLLLLL, BY THE WAY THAT YOU LOVE ME, I CAN TELLLLLLL THAT THE FIRE'S BURNING OUT.

11:50am- Sorry, had a little singing moment there.

11:59am- I'm going to put this journal away for a few days while I wonder about how to tell if a clam is happy. I'll write some more after our BOP interview at 6.

7:09pm- I cannot believe what I have been through in the last hour. I don't even want to write it in here...my trusty journal. Oh well, I guess I will. At least you'll get a kick out of it. I suppose you have a pretty boring life. Might as well lighten it up with tales from the life of Christian Burns.

7:13pm- That just made me think of something. Are you jealous of my love for my hair dryer(RIP)? Because if you are, I am so sorry beloved journal. Maybe I will knit you a nice sweater also. Er..maybe not. You know how the last sweater turned out.

7:15pm- I will stop talking about my beloved hair dryer (RIP) and concentrate on letting you know what is going on in my life. Which includes what happened at the BOP interview. Here goes...

7:17pm- I had to do a survey. Yes, a survey. And not just any survey. A survey of my favorite things. It was v. fun at first but on our way back to the hotel, Mark (I shouldn't have shown him my answers) made fun of me. Which means....I am going to be the laughing stock of the pop world when this is printed in BOP. I will never be invited to another *NSYNC or Backstreet Boys party again. I answered everything truthfully. Have I learned nothing? I should never have said "Never lie in interviews" on my New Years resolution list. Of course, to my defense, I didn't think I'd actually STICK to it! Ah well, I guess I'll put my answers in here.

Full Name: Christian Anthony Burns
DOB: Huh?
Eye color: blue
Hair color: brown and blonde. it's supposed to be brown, though. I highlight it.
Band Name: What do you mean? Band Name? Oh my band!? BBMak.
Nickname: Burnsy
Birthplace: England
Favorite color: Blue
Favorite movie: To Grandmother's House We Go
Favorite television show: So Little Time and Making the Band
Favorite actor: Dunno
Favorite actress: Mary Kate Olsen
Favorite band: The Beatles
Favorite boyband: *NSYNC
Favorite song: I Am The Cute One by Mary-Kate and Ashley. Also like Ghost of You and Me by BBMak
Favorite physical attribute: My hair? What's grown back of it anyway.
Favorite concert venu: Dunno Favorite book: The Biography of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
Favorite cartoon: Simpsons
Favorite magazine: Mary-Kate and Ashley magazine
Favorite music video: Don't have one. M-K and A don't make music videos.
Favorite thing you own: my hair dryer. Don't have it anymore, though. Journal, I guess.
Favorite piece of clothing: ALL OF IT!
Favorite place to shop: Wal*Mart, they've got M-K and A stuff!

8:01pm- You see my problem? Everything has to do with M-K and A. Mark says people will think I'm gay if I say those things. Which I'm not. I need a girlfriend, though. So no one thinks that. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Being gay, I mean. It's fine if that's they way you are. But I'm not. Anyway. I don't know what to do. Why didn't I lie? I do like M-K and A, but I seem obessive in this survey. Oh well, maybe they'll read it and call me up.

8:13pm- Maybe they'll call me up!!!!! That would be so wicked!!!!!! I am not going to worry about this anymore at all. M-K and A might call me!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Funky Bunch

Saturday, April 27th, 2001 Alcohol Units: 2 Times looked in mirror: 3 McDonalds: too much. I'm really full. Times made fun of Mark: 343 (not bad, could do better) Marky-Mark discussions: 3

9:09am- I am in my flat in London. Just 'hanging'. That's slang in America. I'm not completely sure what it means exactly. Hanging what? Your feet? I don't know.

9:11am- Mark is coming over to 'hang' for a while. I'm surprised he has anything to do with me when he doesn't have to. Haha.

9:19am- To pass the time, I'll turn on the telly and see what's on.

9:21am- Oh, VH1 has a nice thing about Marky-Mark (the knicker dropper) and his new movie. Rock Star. Ooooh with Jennifer Aniston (of Friends fame)! And the guy from Third Eye Blind.

9:23am- Right. Steven Jenkins. They just said it on the telly. He's a good chap. I like his music.

9:26am- "Morning, Marky-Mark." I say cheerfully when I see that Mark has entered the flat carrying some bagels and coffees.
"Don't call me that. I'm not dropping my knickers."
"No. Thank goodness for that. That's not all he does, though, Marky."
"What does he do?" Mark asks, handing me a bagel.
I look toward the telly, "He is a serious actor. Look, he has his own staring role next to Steven Jenkins in Rock Star."
"Steven Jenkins? Who's that?"
"That chap from Third Eye Blind."
"Oh. Rock Star?"
"Yes. Marky-Mark's big movie. With Jennifer Aniston."
"Oooh. Good. I like her."
"Yes. Me too."
We are silent as we cruch on our bagels.
"So what else has this Marky-Mark fellow done?"
"Hmmmm. That movie with that girl a while back."
"That's informative, thanks, Chris." Mark rolls his eyes and I roll mine back at him.
"That girl...you know. BOOGIE NIGHTS!"
"Oh. Right. Never saw it."
"Me either."
We're silent again as we eat some more.
"When are you doing the On The Line thing?"
"Next month."
"When?"
"May something. I think the 25th for recording and the 28th for the video. Why?"
"No reason. Just curious."
"Oh."
"I rather like Mandy."
"Oh yes. Me too."
"Yeah."
"I'll make sure I tell her hullo for you."
"Okay. Thanks." "Sure!"

10:30am- I don't even know what's going on here. That is the most Marky Mark and I have talked for a long, long time. What is going on around here? Maybe I could get him to talk even more? He's watching the telly right now. The special on Rock Star.

10:36am- "Marky-Mark?"
"What?"
"Who's your favorite? Mary-Kate or Ashley?"
"Ashley."
"Why?"
"I don't know. Which one is she?"
"The one on the right."
"What does that mean? I can't even see them."
"Oh well, I always pretend she's the one on the right. That way I don't get them confused."
Mark rolls his eyes, "Okay. Who's your favorite?"
"Mary-Kate."
"How come?"
"Ashley is too much like me."
"What do you mean? She blows up her hair dryer and eats Mickey Donalds all the time?"
"Mickey Donalds. Hahahaha."
"Sodd off."
"Sorry. Anyway. No, she doesn't do those things. She shops a lot."
"OH. Right. You do that a lot too."
"Yes." I surprisingly agree with him.
"What about Mary-Kate?"
"She's sporty. I like the sporty ones."
"Sporty Spice?"
"Sure."
"I like Baby."
"You would."
"You don't?"
"No. I just said I liked Sporty."
"Well. Anyway."
"Mary-Kate rides horses. I've always wanted to do that. Do you 'spose you could get me a horse, Marky-Mark?"
"Maybe. If you stop calling me that."
"Why? I like it." "If you keep calling me that, it makes you the Funky Bunch."
"The Funky Bunch?"
"Yeah. You know, Marky-Mark when he was dropping his knickers for a living, he had backup who were called the Funky Bunch."
"Oh. Of course." I had no idea.
"So I'm the Funky Bunch? With the Stever?"
"Yes. You and er...Stever."
"Wicked. I'm a funky bunch!"

11:04am- I'm a funky bunch!!!!!!

Friday, May 17th, 2001 Alcohol Units: 3 Times looked in mirror: 12 McDonalds: 2 buckets of chips Times made fun of Mark: 80(must be slipping, not really, I haven't seen him much is all.)

10:03am- I said way back on April 25th that today I'm recording the song "On The Line" for "On The Line" well I'm headed to the studio right now in a taxi cab. I was going to drive myself but then I wouldn't have had time to write in you. I haven't written for a while and I feel kind of bad about that. Sorry.

10:10am- I have arrived at the studio. I was just thinking, Mark's birthday is coming up. Maybe I should get him tickets to Sesame Street on Ice?

10:12am- Hahahahahahaha. Okay, now stop that. I have to concentrate.

10:15am- Actually, that would be quite nice for a gift. For Mark, not for me of course.

10:54am- Am with a technician guy (I think) in the studio but the producer of the song is in New York.

10:56am- "Ready to try it, Christian?"
"Yes. Er....Do you know anything about the Funky Bunch?"
"Who?"
"The Funky Bunch. Backup for Marky-Mark when he was a knicker dropper."
"Um...yes, Christian. That's correct. Marky-Mark and the Funky Bunch."
"Right. Of course."
"Ready now?"
"Affirmative."

1:34pm- I am finished with my first few takes!! The producer is going to have a listen and then let me know if I should go back and fix anything. I really like this song, it's quite catchy. On the line for your love.......

1:39pm- In just a few short hours I'll be on a plane to the states where we'll be filming the video. Whoo! I leave at 6. I better get back to the flat and pack!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stupid Bloody Planes

Saturday, May 18th, 2001, Alcohol Units: 0 Times looked in mirror: 3,333 (Hmm. What an interesting number.) McDonalds: not enough. Times made fun of Mark: 0 (he is not with me)

Marky-Mark discussions: 0 (Have no one to discuss him with)

6:30am- Have a rather busy day today and I will be very tired with jeg lag. I'm on the plane right now, we're headed to the states. I will be on this bloody plane until 8. Oh well, will pass the time by humming. I have been humming since I set foot on this plane a while ago, but it doesn't matter. I can always hum. It's soothing.

6:34am- On the line for your love, there's nothing I want more......

6:36am- A little boy in front of me has turned around. He is staring at me. I don't really know why, but it is quite rude. Perhaps he likes my singing?

6:37am- "Hello, little boy," I say pleasantly.

"Hi."

"How old are you?" The little chap holds up 2 chubby fingers. "You're two?"
"Fhree."
"Free?"
"He's three," says a nice looking young lady sitting next to me. I hadn't noticed her before. I'd been too busy concentrating on my upcoming video shoot, I suppose. "He's my brother."
"Oh," I say.
“Want to sit on my lap?” She asks.
I am quite astounded by her forwardness. "My goodness, no! I hardly know you! Not that you aren't lovely, but well....er..."
She is laughing. At me, I assume. "I meant Mikey."

6:48am- Never been so embarrassed in my entire life. Well, that's not quite true, but I don't want to get into it right now. Mikey is wearing a Big Bird shirt. I think Mark might like that shirt.

6:50am- "Where did you get your shirt?" I ask little Mikey.
"Dah store."
I nod, "Of course."
The girl is laughing again. She is quite cheeky if you ask me. "Wal-Mart probably."
"I LOVE WAL-MART!" I was about to say they carry lots of MK and A things, but I held back. Did not want to say that to a complete stranger.
She is laughing again. Honestly, is this girl part hyena?
"My friend would love that shirt."
"Probably doesn't come in his size," she says, giggling. I shrug, "He likes Big Bird. He would wear it anyway. He's got Big Bird skivvies."
"Skivvies?" The girl asks. She is American, in case I forgot to mention.
"Under garments."
"Ah, okay."
"I'm Christian, by the way." Pretty slick, Christian old boy.
"Katie," She smiles at me. She's got quite nice teeth and a pretty smile. But she looks a lot younger than me.
"Are you on holiday with your family?" I ask her.
"Yes, me, Mikey and my mom." Her mother is sitting in front of us. Apparently unaware that her son is gone. She's probably asleep. Maybe she's related to Mark. He sleeps all the time and would lose a boy if he had one with him.
"How old you are?" I ask.
"How old are you?"
I laugh at that one, "Too old for you, I imagine."
"I'm 17."
"Yes, I was correct in my assumption."
She laughs again. She's very nice but she laughs too much.

7:23am- Laughing is a good thing, but there is such a thing as too much laughing. All she does is laugh at whatever I say. Am I that funny?

7:25am- Mark would say yes, funny looking. I think I miss he and the Stever already. Am going to put this journal away and have a little nap.

7:30am- Have been woken up by someone poking me in the shoulder. Mikey. He is singing. What is that he's singing?

7:31am- "Sunny days, creeping the clouds away, on my way to where the air is clear. Won't you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesaaaammmmeeeee Streeeeeeeeeet!"

7:32am- What a cute little bugger. I sang with him, but he did the Sesame Street on his own. Good singer. Maybe he'll take after me.

7:34am- Wait a tick. He can't take after me as I am not his father. Well, not to my knowledge anyway. But I think it’s safe to say I’m not. His mother is ancient. At least 36.

7:36am- Mikey is playing with a little figure of Oscar the Grouch and one of Ernie.

7:38am- "Rubber ducky, you're the one! You make bath time lots of fun!" I loved that song as wee lad. Apparently, Mikey does as well.

7:39am- Just had a thought! Need to fix hair before I land! What to do?
"Katie? Do you by any chance own a hair dryer? I am wondering if I could borrow one. Mine blew up."
Katie looks confused but replies, "Of course I do! I'm a girl!"
I give her my best smile, "May I borrow it?"
"Of course."
She hands over the hair dryer from her carry on bag and I excuse myself to go to the loo. Will work on my hair before I get to the hotel.

7:43am- Still in the loo. Hair dryer needs an outlet. Why aren't there plugs in this bloody loo? Ooh, maybe she has a battery pack I can use.

7:44am- Nope. No such thing apparently. She just laughed at me. Big surprise there.

7:45am- Asking the stewardess. "Do you have a battery back handy? I need it for a hair dryer which I borrowed from that girl, Katie."

"No sir. Sorry." She is grinning at me. Either I am very handsome (obviously) or she thinks I’m funny. (possibly.)
“Do you have a hair dryer that runs on batteries?”
“No sir.”
“Any hair fixing device at all?” I smile charmingly at her. I am devilishly good looking. I just hope she sees that and loans me something to use on my blasted hair.
No sir. And you need to take your seat. The plane will be landing momentarily.”

7:47am- What has the world come to that a bloke can't plug in his hair dryer in the stupid bloody plane‘s loo? Why wouldn't they have outlets in a plane lavatory? But then again, why would they?

7:49am- I have driven myself mad with these complex issues.

7:50am- Will just sit down and speak with Mikey to get my mind off these things. I have given myself quite a headache.

7:59am- We are landing. "What's the letter of the day, Mikey?"
"TWO!"
"Er...close enough." I believe the letter of the day was actually 'Q' but no matter.

8:12am- Have said goodbye to Mikey and Katie. Had fun with them on the plane. Now will check into hotel, have a nap and go to studio.

12:01pm- I am now at the studio, waiting to film the video for "On The Line" which is on the "On The Line" soundtrack.

12:04pm- Mandy Moore!! There's Mandy Moore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12:06pm- "Hullo Mandy." I say, playing it cool.
"Hi Christian." she says. She remembers me! Wooo!
"How's it going?"
"Good...you?"
"Good."
She's eating a cookie. Did I mention we're at the craft service table. There is no McDonalds here.
"There isn't any McDonalds here." I say to myself, out loud.
"Yeah, I know. I wish there was."
"You like McDonalds?"
"Yeah!"

12:09pm- Mandy likes McDonalds!

12:30pm- Lance and Joey have just entered the building. They are saying hello to everyone and are now in wardrobe. I saw them for two seconds just to say hello too.

12:33pm- I reckon they don't remember me. But they should. All they said was hello. Maybe they are just busy.

12:40pm- Have been into wardrobe and makeup. Now am ready to shoot. But have to wait my turn. Blokes from True Vibe are on right now. Nice lads, they are.

12:43pm- Sitting with Mandy on the set. She is reading a book. What book is she reading? Is it how to repair burned hair dryers? I hope so.

12:44pm- No, just Harry Potter. I've never read that, but she says it's good. She's reading the second one, she says. Chamber of Something-Or-Other.

12:46pm- Mandy has just handed me Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It is Philosopher's Stone in the UK, but no matter. I will begin to read because I have nothing better to do.

2:30pm- My how time has passed. Mandy has had her turn and then gone to her dressing room for a rest before we do our shot together. She let me keep HP and the SS though, which is wonderful because the book is actually quite good. Joey and Lance came by. Lance likes Harry Potter too. The Stever does as well, but I've never read any of his. I'll have to borrow them when I see him again. Joey and Lance are on the set now. My turn in a minute, I think.

2:35pm- Lance and Joey do remember me. Jolly good of them, I might add. Joey just came by to say hello again. I asked him if he remembered me and he said of course. So that’s good.

3:33pm- Have finished HP and the SS. Have to go on the set now. Thank goodness. I thought the time would never come.

4:40pm - Well, I have finished my first shot. Mighty fun, I'll tell you that much. All of these people are very nice. I have to leave soon, though. But I'll be last to go.

4:46pm- Everyone has left but me and the crew. Me 'n the Crew. Me and my Funky Bunch. Yup. I think I am going mad out of boredom. Perhaps I will buy the other HP books before I head home.

5:01pm- Am finishing up my solo shot momentarily. This is quite exhausting work, but mighty fun.

7:32pm- Finished at last. Going to go to the hotel and collapse on my bed. Maybe I'll watch some MK and A or stop by Mickey D's. Mmmmm. Mickey D's.

10:34pm- Am in the hotel. Watching a MK and A marathon on Fox Family. Good goodness, they're are on a lot, aren't they? Not that it's a bad thing.

10:36pm- I'm going to get Mark some tickets to Sesame Street on ice or SS live. ..how to get to sesame street...duh, dunh, duah, dewer! That was a little melody. Melodies are hard to write. It looks a bit odd, but oh well.

10:39pm- Am going to sleep now. Mark and Ste are arriving here tomorrow afternoon. From there we will be recording for the new album. I'm going to buy the Harry Potter books before they get here. That way I'll be able to discuss something with Ste. I'm getting tired of not speaking to him.

10:40pm- Age old saying, "Don't speak unless you have something good to say."

10:43pm- Apparently I never have anything good to say. Sometimes, I think that I do. Is that even the saying? I doubt it. I don't have time to memorize sayings from 1321.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sherlock Burnsy and the Shaggy Little Stever

Tuesday, May 21st, 2001 Alcohol Units: 2 (I reckon I'm doing quite well on that one) Times looked in mirror: 2,222 (Quite a decrease) McDonalds: Plenty (if that’s even possible) Cigarettes: 1 (whoops) Times made fun of Mark: 2 (slipping on that one, must be glad to see him.)

10:01am - I’ve been thinking that a lovely birthday present for Mark would be to get him on Sesame Street. I’ll have to give my agent a call. I’ll get him to give me Big Bird’s number because I’m sure Big Bird is the one in charge over there and NOT Oscar, that grouch.

10:30am - The blokes and I will be recording songs for our second album beginning….er…soon. I think the end of 2001, maybe. I’m not sure though. I’ll have to ask Mark, because he knows all.

10:35am- Haha! Mark knows all! Haha!

10:39am- I had a really good time the other day at the shoot. “On The Line” is brilliant. V. fun and a v. catchy tune.

10:45am- Did I already tell you I’m on the bloody plane again? Well, I am. We’re on tour in the UK at the moment so I had to rush back and rejoin the lads. Touring is interesting, really, because there are so many screaming ladies around. It makes me wonder if girls are alright in the head. Also, I’m curious to see if they all get enough oxygen to the brain. Since I’ve joined BBMak, I’ve studied quite a bit about oxygen because it seems the girls at these concerts need lots of it. I’m not sure if maybe girls need more oxygen than lads to begin with, but…maybe I haven’t gotten to that chapter in the oxygen book yet.

10:50am- I was right. I haven’t reached that chapter yet. Oh well.

10:56am- The *NSYNC tour is in the states. It starts June something or other. I’m quite excited. Those blokes are really v. nice. And have fun dance moves…not that I’ve ever tried them. Because I haven’t.

11:01am- Seriously. I really haven’t.

11:04am- Stop pestering me! Okay! I have! Happy now? I did learn the dances. But just for “Bye Bye Bye” because that’s the most poppy and stuff. None of the others.

11:09am - I’m bored again…I used to like planes but now I loathe them with all of my being. I wish I had my hair dryer with me. Poor little dear. I am mighty bored. Too bad Katie isn’t on this flight. Or Mikey. He was a cute little bugger.

11:11am- I’d even settle for Ste.

11:18am- Good Lord! I miss Ste! I must be really bored.

11:23am- I wonder what Mark’s doing.

11:26am- Good Lord again! I miss Mark! Either that or I’m going bonkers in my brain.

11:28am- No need to worry. I’m not missing Mark. I’m just bonkers. Phew. That was a close one.

11:34am- I COULD reread Harry Potter, I suppose. That would be something to do. Although, I did just finish it yesterday. I don’t read much…well, comics. But this is pretty much the first long book I’ve read in a while. It’s quite enjoyable. It’s written for, I think, little children, but I don’t really care. Mark has said on more than one occasion that I have the mental capability of a child…whatever that means. I think it’s a compliment, meaning I’m still so young and vibrant at heart.

11:46am- Wouldn’t it be fun to be in the new Harry Potter movie? Mandy told me about it yesterday and then Lance said they were casting already. I’d love to be in it. I was in Even Stevens that one time, so I’ve got a resume for acting, which is v. good. Lance also said that I have a better chance than they do because they are only casting British people.

11:48am- Score one for Burnsy! Being British pays off from time to time, you know. I should try out. That would be brilliant. Maybe I could be Harry.

12:34pm- Or am I too old?

12:38pm- I could be Hermione.

12:45pm- No, I can’t. I’m too hairy.

12:57pm- I could shave my legs again----

1:02pm- No Christian! No more shaving! Marky-Mark has threatened many a time to take all the shavers away. And shaving cream. And if that happens, I will not be able to shave off my mustache. The five o’clock shadow as they call it. Which is odd because my mustache is grown in over night, not at five.

1:04pm- Maybe I can have it professionally done?

1:08pm- Note to self: Look into having hair professionally shaved. Or waxed.

1:10pm- Ouch. Never mind. Scratch that last part. No waxing. An old girlfriend used to complain about it all the time. Bullocks this, bullocks that. Glad I got rid of her.

1:14pm- What was her name anyway? Maybe I should phone her.

1:16pm- Do not own a mobile anymore. After the ‘incident’ with all the screaming girls. Oh well. Will have to wait until I get to jolly old England. I’ll buy another. And actually, maybe I should buy more than one. That way, I’m harder to trace. Thatta boy Sherlock Burnsy.

1:18pm- Sherlock Burnsy. Haha! I believe the chap’s name is actually Holmes.

1:20pm- Anyway. Will buy three phones. One for American ladies to reach me by; one for English ladies; and a third for all the other countries. There are too many to name, so they’ll just fall into one extra category.

1:22pm- Can’t wait to get home. Lovely sunshine, chirping birds, British blokes…British girls! I need to find myself a nice girl to settle down with.

1:25pm- HaHA! Yeah right. Christian “Sherlock Burnsy” Burns settle down? I think not!

1:27pm- I’m bored.

1:28pm- “Are we almost there?” I ask the stewardess politely.
She rolls her eyes rather meanly, “In another two hours, sir.”

1:30pm- Bored again. Wish there was an in-flight movie.

1:45pm- There is one, apparently. The stewardess said so. I buzzed her again and she looked right put out with me. Bugger it.

1:55pm- She has brought me headphones for the movie in order to ‘shut me up’. At least that’s what she grumbled as she walked off.

2:02pm- The movie is Huck Finn. Which is a Disney movie, I guess. I’ve never seen it. I’ll settle back and watch for a bit.

2:04pm- Cute movie. Enjoyable. The little kids on the plane, I’ve noticed, keep giggling madly.

2:14pm- Receiving death glares from patrons of plane for laughing too hard.

2:16pm- Doesn’t anyone know how to have fun anymore?

2:18pm- Apparently not if the several threats were any indication. Scary people headed to my home country.

4:01pm- Finally, off the plane. In the airport, looking around for Ste and Mark. I’m sorry, Little Ste and Marky-Mark.

4:19pm- Have gotten my bags. Am still waiting.

4:30pm- Finally spot Marky-Mark coming towards me. I give him a brotherly (ie: manly) hug. A long haired bloke is tagging along with him.

4:32pm- I smile pleasantly, “And who is this, Marky-Mark? A distant relative?”
“Christian, it’s me. Ste.”
My eyes bulge out of my cute little head, “LITTLE STE?”

4:34pm- Little Ste and Marky-Mark are laughing. I’ve only been gone for a few days, how can his hair have done this? It is very long and shaggy, almost like a Beatle.

4:38pm- Beatle as in the singing group, not the car. You know: Ringo, Paul, Charlie Sheen, Justin Timberlake….er…wait…mixing up groups, and actors I guess. Can’t remember all of the Beatles, but never mind.

4:40pm- “What on Earth did you do, Little Ste? Your hair is all longy and shaggy!” I snap my fingers. “You’re Shaggy Little Stever!”

4:43pm- Haha! I am so clever. I am so amusing.

4:44pm- I am so dead.

4:47pm- Marky-Mark is laughing hysterically, which caused some girls to turn towards us. I flash them a winning smile (always time for flirting no matter how busy you are) and turn to Shaggy Little Stever.
“So---”

4:50pm- “BBMAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Blood curdling and v, v, shrill. My ears are ringing.

4:55pm- My ears are still ringing, but no time for that. Am running v, v. fast with Marky-Mark and the Shaggy Little Stever towards their automobile.

5:02pm- Finally in car, it’s about time. They parked it way back in the United States, I think.

5:05pm- Pealing out of parking lot at full speed. Batman would be proud. Marky-Mark is quite a madman at the wheel, I must say. All of my luggage has toppled over onto Ste and he is even more cranky than before.

5:08pm- “You don’t like my hair?” He asks once we are out of harm’s way.
“I don’t think this is the time for that, Shaggy Stever.”
“Christian---” A warning voice from Mark.
I sigh, “Alright. It’s fine. It looks dandy. Just, long is all.”

5:11pm- I am a marvelous liar. We’re going through the Mickey D’s drive-thru now.

5:23pm- It doesn’t look THAT bad, but…well…it’s just different. I’ll have to get used to it, I suppose. I knew he’d been growing it out, but I didn’t know how long he really wanted it.

5:22pm- Back at my flat. Remember when I said I was looking forward to the sun when I got home?

5:23pm- Fat chance. It’s raining kittens and poodles. I’m soaked to the skin.

5:25pm- Or cats and dogs. Whichever. I am too tired to be witty.

5:30pm- Actually, I don’t think that’s possible. How can I, Christian Burns, be too TIRED to be WITTY? I am witty without even trying!

5:34pm- I am being disagreed with as usual.

5:37pm- Marky-Mark and Shaggy Little Stever are still here. We’re trying to write some music and they are doing a v. good job of it. I, however, cannot get “Back Here” out of my head. So I’m humming the guitar notes to that which helps me think, if you can imagine.

5:44pm- “CHRISTIAN! Would you bloody quit humming that!?”
“STEVEN! It is our song! How can you be so cruel!”
“Chris, just bloody stop,” grumbles Mark. “Grumble, grumble, mutter, mutter.”
“What’s that, Mark?”
“It’s good to have you home, Christian!” Mark yells jovially.

5:50pm- I don’t like Mark’s all of a sudden niceness towards me. Is there something the matter? I wonder what he is plotting.

5:55pm- Wankers. They’ve locked me in the bathroom.

5:59pm- “ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! Let me out now!”
“Not until we actually get some work done!” Ste shouts back. I can hear snickers on the other side of the door. I am about ready to get v. angry. And that’s bad because no one likes a cranky Christian.
“So go to YOUR flats and do it!”
“If we do that, you’ll never be let out,” reasons Mark in his ‘matter-of-fact-I’m-always-right’ voice.
“Fine, but just let me out. I promise to stop humming.”
“Are you sure?” Ste asks.
“Of course I’m sure, you tosser.”
“No swears, Chris,” sings Mark.
“I wasn’t swearing. If I wanted to swear, I’d swear in American lingo. It’s more crude.”
“You know he’s right,” replies Ste sounding sincere.
“Yeah, he is,” states Mark. “But I’m still not letting him out.”

6:30pm- Sitting on the toilet. Bored out of my skull.

6:34pm- A good thing when I’m bored is that I can usually come up with some good lyrics. Or ideas.

6:37pm- Out of my heart…into your head…

6:39pm- That’s pretty catchy. Don’t know what it’s about yet, though.

6:41pm- I’m looking out the little loo window. The sun’s coming out! Whoooowhoooowhoooo!!!!!

6:43pm- I feel fine…now the rain is gone and the sun has come to shine…nothing can get me down today…

6:49pm- That’s bloody brilliant! I am SO good! I amaze myself!

6:55pm- I am no longer angry w/ the lads. They have let me out and I’m in the living room sharing my genius with them.

7:09pm- Jet lag is a bloody prat of annoyance. I’m in bed.

7:11pm- Dear God. I’m like my Granddad. He goes to bed before the sun even sets. I must admit, it’s quite lovely being all snuggly in my lovely bed. I miss cuddling with my hair dryer though.

7:15pm- Had to get out of bed. Smudged you with my tears and had to get a paper towel to clean up. All better now.

7:17pm- I hate yawning. I keep doing it. Perhaps I should just close my eyes for a light rest.

3:04am- Woke up with a start. My constant snoring seems to have scared the living daylights out of me. Speaking of daylight, I thought it was daylight out but it’s only my streetlamp. Well, not MY streetlamp. The city’s…but it’s outside my window.

3:10am- I think all this sleepiness has fogged my wee brain a bit. Am closing my eyes again.

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2001 Alcohol Units: 0 (too bloody tired) Times looked in mirror: 10 (Wow. Scary.) McDonalds: Not e-bloody-nough. (Need nutrients, better head there ASAP.) Cigarettes: 2 (whoops-a-daisy) Times made fun of Mark: 14 (I reckon they’re rightly deserved too) Live Concerts: 1

6:03am- You know what’s a funny expression? Whoops-a-daisy. Haha! That is so funny.

6:07am- Have awoken far too early. Think it’s best for everyone (ie: me) if I head back to the comforts of my wonderful bed.

7:34am- Mark has collected me from my flat of misery (and tiredness) and I am now in his car on the way to…somewhere or other.

7:40am- I am so tired. Mark isn’t even sympathetic.

7:53am- “There are fans queried up, so put on some sort of smile.” He instructs me as he drives.

7:58am- I dazzle him with my sunny smile.

8:00am- “You look hammered. Put some sunglasses on.”
“I haven’t been drinking.”
“Could have fooled me.”

8:04am- I seriously have not been drinking. What is wrong with my lovely appearance?

8:08am- Rolling into Shaggy Little Stever’s driveway. I’m jumping out so I can look in his mirror before we leave.

8:19am- Am in Ste’s loo, crying my tired eyes out.

8:20am- How can I have such BAGS under my eyes! I moisturized before I went to bed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, put on my cucumbers, put on my facial mask…

8:22am- Damn. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I look like a drunken zombie.

8:24am- And not in a good way either.

8:30am- Am now fully decked out in a baseball cap of Ste’s, wearing dark glasses of Marks and have slathered on some of Ste’s moisturizer. I’ve put it on my forehead, T-zone and chin. Should help a bit. It smells really awful, though.

8:32am- Too bad I was too tired to remember MY makeup case with MY lovely flowery smelling moisturizer.

8:34am- “Good God, Shaggy Little Stever. Can’t you afford some decent moisturizer?” The smell is making me quite ill to tell you the truth.
“I don’t own any moisturizer,” replies Ste.
I gasp in horror, “Steven! You should surely moisturize once a day! You’ll dry up like a prune!”

8:37am- At least someone is enjoying the unfortunaties of others. Mark is laughing like a mad loon in the front seat. He’s had to pull over. I don’t think unfortunaties is a word, but no matter.

8:39am- Still waiting for Marky to calm down.

8:45am- “Wait a tick--”
“For the last time! You are NOT Austin Powers!” Ste sighs loudly. I ignore him.
“You DON’T own moisturizer? Then what the hell have I put on my face?”

9:00am- Crying in a muddy ditch. Am too horrified to write.

9:04am- Rancid mayonnaise. I am v, v. ill.

9:13am- Luckily, Mark had some wet-naps in his glove compartment for when he eats messy ribs at restaurants. I have gotten all of the mayo off my face, but the smell still lingers.

9:15am- I wish Shaggy Little Stever actually cleaned out his fridge from time to time. It would save us all food poisoning. And dying of embarrassment.

9:18am- Finally back on the open road. Mark has calmed down enough to drive. He was crying a river. Poor thing must have been awfully worried about my skin. I was too. But I think it’ll be okay. I’ll just rise, lather, repeat when we get to the venu.

9:20am- Am v. tired. From stress and jet lag. And illness.

9:25am- I think I need a holiday.

9:29am- A long one.

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Life Without The Mickey D’s

Thursday, May 23rd, 2001 Alcohol Units: 3 (Yeah I know. But it‘s not like I need to go to triple A or anything.) Times looked in mirror: 33 (rash from rancid mayonaise is going down finally) McDonalds: 1 hamburger. (must be depressed.) Cigarettes: 1 (not bad) Times made fun of Mark: 4 (in my head) Live Concerts: ½ (a cappella) Photo Shoots: 1 (for Music in High Places)

7:09am- We got some interesting news today…well, this morning around 3am. Our manager rang Mark’s mobile phone and said we had a promo photo shoot for this television special: Music in High Places, which will be filmed in two days in Vietnam. It’s a show that takes a musical artist or band deep into the wilderness of some poor country and makes them sing and dance around the locals. I’m not sure why exactly, but we are supposed to premiere our song, “If I Could Fly” for the Americans who haven’t heard it yet.

7:15am- The photo shoot is at nine am on the dot. Luckily, I remembered to ask about hair dryers being present. They will be. Thank God up in the sky for that.

8:02am- MORE GOOD NEWS!!!! No, wait! GREAT, WONDERFUL, SPLENDID, MARVELOUS, BRILLIANT news!

8:05am- I have a new perk to add to the list of ‘good stuff that happens when you’re famous.’ Free videos. Mary-Kate and Ashley (after having seen my horrible display of love in that magazine) have sent me every single one of their videos!

8:10am- I, Christian Anthony “Burnsy” Burns, have every single one of Mary-Kate and Ashley’s videos EVER MADE!!!!!!! WHOOOP! WHOOOP! WHOOOP! And WHOOOT! WHOOOT! WHOOOT!

8:16am- Ah, what a lovely day. Birds chirping, squirrels squirreling, voles voleing. I love that: voleing. I read it in a book once. Can’t remember the name but it was about a girl named Georgia who was a British teen, she was quite a laugh.

8:19am- Someone should write a book about me. Or rather, I could publish my journal. That would be bloody brilliant. Note to self: look into publishing of BBMak Diaries starring the one and only Christian Burns.

8:22am- I am so good, it scares me.

8:25am- Getting in the shower so I will be clean for the shoot. Personal hygiene is very important, ESPECIALLY when you are famous. I mean, look at that poor Curt O’Bane guy who was not very hygienic…he ended up sixteen feet under or however many feet it is.

8:30am- Alright, I’ve asked Shaggy Little Stever. HE says that it’s Kurt Cobain, not Curt O’Bane and that he’s six feet under, not sixteen. How can I be expected to remember trivial facts when I am so famous and well-loved?

8:35am- When Music in High Places is over, I’m going to get a new hair cut. That’ll be good. Maybe one that doesn’t require the use of a hair dryer.

8:40am- But then I wouldn’t’ need a hair dryer any more. And so I’d go wandering about looking for nothing in particular. And I would have no goals in life anymore. That would be so very sad.

8:46am- Mark says that if that happened, I would only need to set NEW goals. Silly, Christian.

8:45pm- But what kind of goals? A goal…hmmm…a goal like not blowing up my hair dyer? Is that a good goal?

8:50am- Alright, well, my head hurts from too much thinking. I‘ve got to lie down for a bit. I’m going to take a nap, perhaps. Then I shall wake up refreshed and ready for the photo shoot at noon...ish.

Sunday, May 26th, 2001

No time to write anything here…Plus, I haven’t had any McDonalds for days (God help me) nor have I had a hair dryer…or a mirror for that matter. AND no alcohol. OR cigarettes. I think I may die. Sooner or later. Hahaha. A pun. YES. I knew I could make one, one of these days.

8:00am- I am in Vietnam. I think it’s a lovely historical place. I’m having the time of my life. Just me and the lads.

3:20pm- This place stinks…literally. The bugs are atrocious. I should have brought bug spray instead of hair spray because the hair spray is doing me no good whatsoever. I might as well be dead.

3:29pm- On an up note, the filming is going well. One bloke went into the water earlier to retrieve a guitar piece for me. Lovely fellow. Had to pay him though.

3:50pm- I’m thinking perhaps I’m ready to go home now. I’ve been here for two days.

5:30pm- I am so ready to leave his place.

6:20pm- Performing on the boat earlier was lovely. It was quite fun and there were nice things to look at. But I still want to go home.

7:10pm- I need to be in London. I need some rain. It is bloody hot here. I’m soaked to the skin with sweat. I was going to go swimming in between takes earlier, but a local girl told me I shouldn’t unless I wanted to catch an awful disease.

7:15pm- I’ve got enough awful diseases. I’ve got Mark and Ste.

7:30pm- Even though I am miserable, I can still crack a jolly good joke at Mark and Ste’s expense!

7:36pm- I’m going to bed. Maybe when I get up in the morning I won’t be on this hard-as-a-rock mattress. I’ll be home in my flat in rainy England.

7:38pm- One can only hope.

9:00pm- Just woke up in a sweat. I….need…McDonalds…will…die…without…it….

9:12pm- “MARK!!!!!!!!!”
“WHAT the bloody hell?” Mark is coming into my hotel room through our ajoining door.
“I nee Mick e‘s, Mook. I canoo survie withoot it another dee.”
“Can you repeat that? I couldn’t understand bloody word you mumbled.”
“I need Mickey D’s, Mark. I can’t survive without it another day.”
Mark sighs heavily, “You’ll have to wait until we get home.”
“But I may die before then!”
“Ah well,” replies Mark without much sympathy.

9:30pm- Bloody hell! I’m going to die!

Wednesday, July 20th, 2001

8:09am- Wow, it’s been a long time. Did you think I’d died? I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you, dear friend! You’ve been so lovely to me, journal and I didn’t mean to cause you pain and/or agony and/or suffering.

8:15am- I think I should give you a name. Will think of one and get back to you later.

10:00am- I didn’t die, I just came down with some god-awful flu bug. I must have caught it while drinking the water in Vietnam. Anyway, I’ve been out of commission for weeks. A month, actually.

10:10am- Mark and Ste were wonderful; they did beside vigils and all that other hooey.

10:16am- Marky-Mark even drove me to my regular doctor visits.

10:18am- And Shaggy Little Stever rented me movies. I got a new DVD player. It’s brilliant.

10:30am- I’ve got to go, however. I have lots of catching up to do. We’ve got the *NSYNC tour beginning tomorrow in the States and then after that we go home to England to record for the new album.

10:38am- Bloody good time, I’ll bet.

11:03am- Marky-Mark said that the lads of *NSYNC were looking forward to teaching us the ‘partying ways’. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I think I should forget my cutting down on alcohol New Years resolution.

11:10am- HAHA! I haven’t been so excited since I got all those Mary-Kate and Ashley videos!

11:13am- I’m doing a little happy dance. Although I know you cannot see. It’s got two pointy-points, a little shimmy via Britney Spears and a couple twirls. Brilliant dance if I do say so myself.

11:19am- “Chris! What in the world are you doing? STE! Come here! Come see! I think Christian’s having a seizure!”
Ste comes rushing in, “What? What’s wrong? Do I need to dial 911?”

11:23am- I haven’t said much to them. I’m too busy doing my dance. I’m not sure what’s wrong with them, though. Maybe they’ve caught my awful flu?

11:25am- No. Can’t be. It’s not contagious.

11:27am- “I’m only dancing, lads.” I shrug at them as I flop onto the bed.
“Dancing? Chris, that was NOT dancing!”
“Mark, I think I know what dancing is.”
“No, I don’t think you do.”
“WHAT?” Ste asks, “I’m so bloody confused.”
“Steven, I was only doing a little happy dance. That’s all. Now calm down.”
Ste sighs, “Fine.” And then he leaves. Mark rolls his eyes at me and then departs as well.

11:32am- Is my dancing THAT bad?

Tuesday, December 29th, 2001

Okay, journal. Here’s the deal-o.
I don’t know why I said deal-o. Too much time in the states, I suppose. I don’t even know what deal-o is, nor have I ever heard it used. Oh well.
Anyway. I’m at home in London. I’ve been so busy lately that I’ve begun to call myself Christian The Busy Bee. It’s bloody ridiculous how much time it takes to record things. I mean, I’ve recorded before…but good lord.
24 hour days practically. And basically five days a week. On Saturday and Sunday I sleep.
Ah. Blissful sleep.
I’m going to begin writing to you again in the New Year. I hope that you won’t be too mad with me, journal. I am dreadfully sorry, but it simply cannot be helped.
A day in the life of Christian Anthony Burns is quite hectic, you know.

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