A week later, AJ was standing outside the New York City studio the group had rented to write some music together, trying to find the courage to go in. He was loosing the battle. Kevin was most likely in there already, and he had no idea if the other guys had shown up yet or not. He figured Howie might have though. Howie was usually on time for everything.

He'd called Marshall last night in Detroit after he'd put Hailie to bed and they'd talked for a while, mostly about nothing important, but that had been what AJ needed. He didn't want to dwell on today, and Marshall had sensed that.

True to his word, Marshall had wanted to keep their friendship going. AJ had been pleasantly surprised to get a call from him just two days after they'd last seen each other. It was the night Marshall had arrived back in Detroit to get Hailie and he'd just put her to bed. They'd settled into an easy conversation after a few awkward moments and had been talking every night since.

Part of their conversation last night floated through AJ's head.

"You know, you don't have to go through with this. You can cancel. If you guys are as good of friends as you tell your public, they should be understanding. If not, fuck 'em. You've got more than enough talent to make it on your own."

AJ was touched by Marshall's vote of confidence in his abilities, and told him thanks, then added, "They'd have to know to be understanding."

"You didn't tell them?" Marshall asked, surprised.

"No, and I have no intention of doing so either."

"Why the fuck not? That shit wasn't your fault." Marshall said, his voice hard with anger over what Kevin had done.

That was the problem. AJ felt like it was partly his fault. A voice in the back of his head kept needling him saying that if he hadn't responded at first that night, Kevin never would have gone over the edge that way.

Not wanting to talk about it anymore, AJ had steered the conversation away from the subject and they'd spent the rest of the time bullshitting about this and that. By the time they'd gotten off the phone, AJ had been relaxed enough to sleep.

"Hey AJ."

The voice from behind him made him jump a mile in the air. Whipping around, he tried to take a deep breath to calm himself so he could speak.

"Motherfucker. D, don't do that shit unless you're trying to make this group a foursome. You almost gave me a damn heart attack."

Howie smirked. "Sorry. What are you doing out here, anyway?"

"Just…thinking."

Howie sensed it was more than that, but he wasn't the type to meddle, so he just gestured toward the door and asked, "Well, ready to go in now?"

AJ nodded. Now that he had Howie around for reinforcement, he could face Kevin…he hoped.

Inside the studio, Kevin and Brian were sitting in a corner, deep in conversation. Or at least, Brian was deep in the conversation. Kevin was just sitting there staring blankly at the wall over Brian's shoulder.

Kevin knew AJ was going to be there any minute, and he didn't know if he could handle seeing him, knowing what he'd done to him and what AJ had done as a result. Nick had clued him in on AJ's fall off the wagon the day he'd come over to check on him.

Kevin had been knee deep in a bottle of alcohol when Nick had shown up, which was what Brian was trying to talk to him about right then. When Nick had found him that way, he'd made an offhanded comment about AJ falling off the wagon, and now Kevin was drinking too.

Kevin had zeroed in on the AJ part and grabbed Nick, asking him what he meant by that. Nick had shrugged away from him and said that AJ had told him something bad had happened to him at a party and he'd fallen off the wagon for a couple days because of it, but that Marshall had gotten him to sober up again and they were dating, or at least he thought they were dating, but he knew they'd had sex.

That had killed Kevin to hear, even though he had no rights to those emotions in light of what he'd done. Still, it had and he'd just wanted to curl up and die. Unfortunately, Nick wouldn't let him. He'd stayed with him the rest of the week until they had to leave, making sure Kevin stayed sober and ate.

Nick had joked that they were all stuck in some weird twilight zone episode because Eminem and AJ were together and he and Kevin had somehow reversed roles and Nick had become the parent. Kevin hadn't laughed. He'd walked out of the room and curled up on his bed, tears sliding down his face.

Nick had followed him and tried to comfort him, but Kevin didn't want comfort. He didn't deserve it. He deserved to be miserable. He wanted to be miserable. Nick couldn't understand that though, because Kevin hadn't told him the reason for his sudden depression, so Nick had called Brian and told him everything, hence the deep discussion Brian was trying to have with him now.

He had to bite his lip to keep from just blurting out what he'd done to AJ. He figured that would shut his well meaning cousin up, but he didn't. He didn't because it wasn't for him to tell. If AJ hadn't told Nick the other day, or any day since, then it was because AJ didn't want the rest of the guys to know and Kevin needed to respect that. He hadn't respected much else in relation to his ex for far too long now.

His thoughts were interrupted when Brian suddenly shot up out of his chair and yelled AJ and Howie's names before running over and hugging them. It had been weeks since they'd all been together, and Brian was always overly affectionate when they had a so-called 'reunion' like this.

Kevin stiffened, unsure whether he wanted to turn around and look at AJ or not. He was afraid of what he'd see when the other man looked his way…if he looked his way. Finally though, he couldn't stand it anymore. He needed to know what he was dealing with. He needed to know if there was a chance in hell they could possibly make it past what he'd done to him or not.

AJ heard his name being called and turned to find the source of the voice. He froze as Brian bounded toward him, his eyes fixated on the corner he'd ran out of. Kevin. His stomach clenched and he had to swallow the bile rising in his throat. He knew he'd be in there, but it didn't make the impact of seeing him again any less painful.

When Kevin turned toward him, their eyes locked for a moment. AJ was taken aback. Kevin looked…horrible. His face was pale and drawn, his normally sharp green eyes had a haunted look to them, and the expression on his face was one of general misery. AJ hadn't felt much emotion other than hate and anger toward the other man since that night nearly two weeks ago, but right then…right then he felt a twinge, a very small twinge of something else for the other man. Pity.

Kevin stared at AJ, unable to look away. He looked good, healthy. It was obvious he wasn't drinking anymore. Kevin was glad Nick had been right and AJ's fall off the wagon had been temporary. He didn't know what he would have done if AJ had started that downward spiral on a more long term basis because of him. He wished AJ would take his sunglasses off so he could see his eyes.

As if reading his thoughts, AJ pulled his sunglasses off as Brian released him from the bear hug he'd had him in. He wanted Kevin to know exactly how he felt about him, but he didn't want to talk to him. He knew his always expressive eyes would do the job for him anyway.

He was right and a second later, Kevin turned away, looking on the verge of tears. AJ couldn't find it in himself to feel bad about that. He wondered if that made him a bad person, but didn't have time to dwell on it as Brian pulled his attention away, rambling on about the latest thing Tyke, his dog, had done. AJ turned and forced a smile, pretending interest, when all he wanted to do was get the hell out of there and away from Kevin.

Later that night, AJ flopped down on his stomach on the king sized bed in his hotel room, exhausted. They'd spent hours in the studio writing music and getting to know a couple producers they wanted to work with them on the cd. After that, they'd all gone out to dinner and AJ had been forced to sit across from Kevin the whole time.

It had been hell. That was the reason he was exhausted now. It had taken all his energy to sit there and pretend he wasn't still scared of him and that he didn't loath the sight of him.

A knock on the door of his suite pulled him out of his nearly asleep state. For a second he froze, sure it was Kevin. But no, Marshall had told him he'd warned Kevin not to come looking for him. Still, his heart was racing as he got up off the bed and headed out of the bedroom toward the sitting room to answer the door. Taking a deep breath, he peaked out the peep hole, relieved to see it was Brian.

Opening the door, he said, "Hey, Rok."

Brian smiled briefly and said, "Hi," then paused before asking, "Can I come in for a second?"

AJ nodded and stepped aside, sensing from the expression on Brian's face that whatever he wanted to talk about was serious.

Once Brian was in the room, AJ shut the door behind him and turned to find Brian standing near the couch, staring off at something or other, lost in thought. "What's the matter, B?"

Brian jumped as if startled, then turned toward AJ and gestured toward the couch, indicating they should sit. AJ did, waiting for the bombshell. He was pretty sure Nick had told the guys about his recent fall into a bottle, and he'd been waiting for this.

Brian took a deep breath and said the sentence AJ had been waiting all day for. "Nick told me about your…relapse."

AJ looked down at his hands in his lap for a second before looking up and meeting Brian's blue eyes. "Yeah, I figured that. I'm…sorry. I know I promised you guys I wouldn't do that, but, shit. Something bad happened and I just…you know, there's no excuse. I shouldn't have. It's over now though. I'm sober again, and I plan to stay that way."

Brian nodded. "I'm glad to hear that. Want to talk about what set it off?"

AJ shook his head. "No."

"Have you talked to anyone about it? Eminem, or Marshall or whatever he goes by?" Brian asked, getting to one of the other reasons he was there.

AJ stiffened a little. Had that been disapproval he'd just heard in his voice? "Yeah, I have talked to him about it. He was sorta there when the reason for it all started." "That's good, I guess." Brian said, not sure if he really felt that way or not.

AJ went on the defensive. There was no mistaking Brian's disapproval of the situation that time. "It is good. He was there for me. If it wasn't for him, I'd probably still be drinking."

Brian studied him for a minute, seeing the truth of what he was saying in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I just…I can't reconcile what I know of that man with what Nick told me you think he's really like."

AJ stood, needing some space. He walked over to the window and stared out for a minute before turning back to Brian. "Rok, I don't think I know what he's really like. I do know. He's not what he comes off as in his lyrics. I mean, damn. I'm bi, and I have a very high respect for women. You know that. Do you honestly think I'd be friends with someone who was actually as homophobic and hated women as much as his songs suggests?"

Brian was silent for a moment, thinking about that. "Yeah, I guess not. I'd uh, heard that you and him were more than friends though."

AJ rolled his eyes. "I knew I shouldn't have told Junior that. He can never keep his damn mouth shut. Yeah, we went on a date. Yeah, I spent the next couple nights at his house. But, we're still just friends. Nothing more."

"Oh." Brian said, falling silent again.

AJ watched him for a moment, then asked, "What else? I can almost see the gears grinding in that cute little head of yours."

That got a grin out of Brian. They both knew Brian was completely straight and in love with Leighanne, but it didn't stop AJ from flirting with him occasionally, and most of the time Brian flirted right back. It was just a thing they did.

"It's…it's about Kevin."

AJ stiffened, his stomach knotting up. "What about him?"

Brian didn't miss the hard edge to his voice, which only confirmed his suspicions. "I'm worried about him. He's not…right. He's extremely depressed, and he doesn't seem to be pulling out of it at all. Nick told you about how he found him last week, right?"

AJ nodded, not wanting to think about Kevin at all, let alone talk about him.

When he didn't say anything else, Brian went on. "I'm betting Nick didn't tell you that when he found him, Kevin was babbling incoherently about you and how he'd fucked up worse than ever and that you hated him now."

AJ turned away. No, Nick hadn't told him that. "Yeah, so?"

Brian frowned at the fact that AJ hadn't denied hating him. "What happened?"

AJ shook his head and said firmly, "I'm not going to talk about it. Ever."

Brian was surprised at that answer, even more so by the finality in his voice. He meant it. Standing, he walked over to the younger man and laid a hand on his tense shoulder.

"Can you tell me at least if whatever happened is the reason you started drinking again?"

AJ turned back and looked Brian in the eye. "Yeah, it is."

"I thought so. Is it going to be a problem? I mean, can you deal with whatever it is so we can go on being a group? Or is it something that's going to break us apart?"

AJ stared into his eyes for a minute, thinking about that. "I really don't know, Bri. I'm trying, I really am, but it…it was bad. I just don't know yet."

Brian nodded, even though he didn't really like the answer much. "Fair enough. Just know you can talk to me whenever. He's my cousin, but you're like a brother to me. I'm here for you just as much as I am for him, ok?"

AJ gave him a small smile, slightly choked up. "Thanks. I knew that, but it's still nice to hear every once in a while."

Brian smiled back. "Come here," he commanded, pulling AJ into a hug. "I love you Aje, and I just want you to be happy."

AJ closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Brian. "I know. I love you too."

Marshall sighed. He still had an hour left before he could call AJ. He wanted to call him now, but Hailie was still up, and he didn't want to be distracted from his time with her. He only had the rest of that day and the next with her before she was off to Kim's for another week.

He glanced at the clock again. He was worried about him. Today was the first day he had to see Kevin since it had happened, and he knew AJ had been freaking out about it when he'd called him last night on the phone.

Marshall hadn't even mentioned it at first because of that, wanting to get AJ a little bit relaxed before bringing it up. When he finally had, he'd been surprised to find out AJ hadn't told the other guys about it. He couldn't figure out why he hadn't. He had it narrowed down to one of two reasons though. Either AJ was still feeling like he was partly to blame, or he was protecting Kevin from the other guys' wrath, even though Kevin didn't deserve it. Maybe it was a little of both. Marshall just didn't know.

Either way, he was worried about him. Dre had even noticed that his head wasn't in the game earlier. They'd been sitting around the house and Hailie had demanded a performance, loving it when he free-flowed for her. Marshall had done his best, but he'd fucked up more than a few rhymes to the shock of both Dre and Hailie.

After that, Dre had cornered him and asked him what was wrong. When Marshall had hedged, Dre had started naming off possible causes, determined to get to the bottom of Marshall's mood, ending with asking if it had anything to do with AJ and that night at the party. Marshall had been more than a little relieved to not have to answer because just at that moment, Hailie had come running into the room in a 'daddy' mood and wouldn't leave his side.

He glanced at the clock again and sighed. Only ten minutes had passed. It never once occurred to him that he didn't call any of his other friends like this on a daily basis, let alone look forward to it so much, or worry about them non-stop when they were facing something difficult. He tried to think about it as little as possible actually.

Glancing over at the couch where Hailie had been sitting watching a movie, he was surprised to find her out like a light, snuggled up at one end of it. He loved his baby girl more than anything else in his life and she looked so sweet laying there sleeping. A smile a mile wide crossed his face as he got up to scoop her up and take her to bed.

Minutes after he tucked her in, he finished up shutting the lights in the house off for the night and made his way to his bedroom. Lying down on his bed, he clicked on the TV in the room as he picked up the phone.

Finally. He was going to get to talk to AJ and make sure he was all right. He knew it was early, but fuck it. He couldn't wait any more. As he flipped through channels as the phone rang, he caught sight of AJ's face and stopped.

Belatedly he realized he was on VH1 and it was some golf thing. One of the other guys from the group was there too. He didn't normally ever watch VH1 or golf for that matter, but it was like he couldn't turn the channel. It felt somehow…wrong to just switch AJ off, so he dropped the remote and watched it as the phone continued to ring next to his ear.

Brian and AJ were still hugging when AJ's cell rang. Breaking free of the hug, AJ opened his eyes and walked over to the table where he'd set his cell down, picking it up. He glanced at the caller ID, recognizing Marshall's number.

Hitting the on button, he said, "Hey. Didn't expect to hear from you till later."

Brian listened intently as AJ talked, then paused for whoever was at the other end to say something, then he heard AJ laugh. A deep, genuine, affectionate laugh. Brian hadn't heard that laugh in a long time.

"Yeah, man, I can hold, just hurry your ass up. I ain't got all damn night." AJ said jokingly in response to whatever the other man had said.

Brian waited as AJ turned to him, holding the phone away from his ear. "Rok, did you want to talk about anything else? I can tell him I'll call him back later if you want."

"Is that…him?" Brian asked, not even sure what he was supposed to call him.

"Marshall? Yeah."

Brian shook his head. "Na, you don't need to hang up on him. I pretty much got out everything I wanted to say."

AJ nodded and watched as Brian headed toward the door. When his hand was on the knob, AJ called out, stopping him. "Bri?"

Brian turned around and asked, "Yeah?"

"Thanks. For caring." AJ said simply.

Brian smiled and nodded. "Always."

As he turned and walked out, AJ said something into the phone, Marshall having apparently come back on the line. Shutting the door behind him, he leaned back against it for a second, thinking to himself. AJ could deny it all he wanted, but there was something more than friendship, one date and a couple of nights between them. He hadn't heard that carefree note in AJ's voice in a long time. Whatever he thought of Eminem, he had to give him credit for that.


Chapter Twenty
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