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Carey's Page

I'm not going to describe myself because this page is just an update of my life for my close friends i don't really get to see to much anymore.

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Once upon a time there was a strange little girl who loved ever second of life. She would run barefoot through the grass, chase butterflies and toads, and dance naked in the sun. Then the little girl started to grow up, and she started to see things she didn't like and she didn't understand. She saw so much pain and suffering in the world, so much hatred. She became very sad. So she would go out in the woods and at times her only friends were the trees, the streams, the butterflies, and the rabbits that she would sit out there for hours and talk to. She knew others might point fingers at her like she was crazy, but she didn't care, she did not want any part of the human world she saw around her. She wanted to stay in the woods forever. Nature spoke to her. She believed if you appreciated nature, connected to nature, then if you listened hard enough you will find all your answers. Then one day she realized she loved nature, this world, but she did not love human beings. Therefore, she found a part of her did not love herself. So she decided to walk a spiritual journey. In the beginning it came so easy, so fast. She had people around, walking with her, dancing with her, and she enjoyed every second of it. A few months passed on her journey, and it started to become very difficult. The ones she found so much happiness and love within she began to question. She was unaware she was walking into the dark night of her spiritual journey, and she felt completely alone. She didn't know where to turn. She couldn't go back to her old life, but she couldn't keep a hold of the happiness she had at the beginning of her journey with others. She profoundly became aware of the suffering of humanity and the cruelty of one person to another. She had people around her, but never in her life had she felt so alone. No one, not even her dearest friends could make her whole. She knew she couldn't give up, she couldnít go backwards, so she knew she had to continue alone. She started to pick up the pieces and place them one by one around her. So she formed this cocoon around herself. Each piece was made up of a part of herself, of her soul, the good, the bad, all connected into one formed around her. So she waited, and waited, and waited. She waited for six long lonely months. She isolated herself, avoided all connections from her friends and family, because she knew she had to do this by herself. She was stuck inside unaware of how much she had been growing. Just when she thought she never was going to get out, a piece broke and a small light came in. She inhaled the air through the small crack of the cocoon, and she never felt anything like it before. She turned around and looked, and she had wings. She spread her wings and the rest of the walls came crashing down and she could fly. The peace moves through her body like a cold spring of mountain water. It flows in her spine, her brain, and under her skin. Everywhere. She found at the beginning happiness and love came so easy because she found it within others. And she had to suffer those lonely months, and she realized you have to find it inside yourself; you have to find the love and happiness within to truly be. She realized you can't rely on someone else to bring you hope, love, or happiness, because you will never truly be happy. Once you find it within and then share it, it's a whole other world. This strange little girl, she's still alive today, and the truth is, she still at times feels lonliness and pain, but there must be darkness to have light.

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Good/EvilÖthey only live within our minds. Everyday we find ways to struggle with the bad. What we see as evil. But the definition of evil is different in every single set of eyes you gave in upon. Demolishing the bad is an endless battle. If for one slight second we were to take away all which is evil it would take less than a second before we started to create a new evil. Evil would be created from that which we once thought was good. We need to feel the bad to know what the good feels like. We need to feel hate to feel love. We need the two to distinguish the feelings. If you were asked what the opposite of good is would you say bad, or love would you say hate? Good/bad, love/hate, death/birthÖ They are not opposites, they are the furthest thing from oppositeÖthey are perfectly one. Without both, the other would not exist. Do not fear hate, donít fear loveÖI could have told you that a month ago, I told myself that a month ago, but I didnít understand then, like the way I do now. To be honest, I probably do not understand it to full understanding. I know I do not, each new day brings new understanding, and each meditation brings more insight. Let your soul search and wander forever, when you tell it to stop it will, but that only takes away from so much more beauty it can findÖBe good my darlingÖ

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Some things are unexplainable, why we let go some things, and others we canít. I left for a few days recently. It took me a few days afterwards to find what I needed to from the trip. I returned home, yet I was still gone. I wasnít alone, but I went alone. Sometimes you have to get away to figure out where your soul wishes to go. When I returned I was somewhat bewildered, and I did not want to go home. I was actually doubtful where home was. It was a long drive. It gave me a long time to think, think about things I wish I did not have to. I didnít have to, but I did. I locked a few things away for some time and didnít think about them. Out of my mind, but not out of my heart. Things I wasnít ready to let go of at the time so I hide them away. They say the past will come back to haunt you, thatís only if you donít let go. And I didnít. I didnít realize I didnít let go, but I saw. Holding on to those things and locking them away only prevented me from a greater happiness I could have had. I uprooted those things when I was gone, came home, and then pulled them out the rest of the way. You know, I do not regret any moment from my past; the past has made me who I am today. But those things I locked away, they did hold some form of regret. I see now, I was only looking upon them in the wrong way. Now because of my trip, and the time I spent with my mind and that I did not want to face, I let go. Holding on to that which one day you know you will have to let go of brings you nothing but pain. You have to let go to move forward. I was moving forward, but a lot slower than I should have. People come into to your life, people come and people leave, you love then you let go. Thatís the way it goes, you always keep them in your heart, the goodness of them, and how they affected your life. But you let them go, why? So you can let yourself go. So you donít pass up a greatness you can find with others. I let go, maybe to soon, maybe to late, but it doesnít matter, all that matters is I let go

...................................................... i use to look to you thinking you were what I wanted now I see what I wanted was myself and inside you I think I saw a piece of myself, and I still do, and that's why I craved you. you were something I couldnt grasp a hold of something out of my reach and that's why I desired you even more. Thats me, always wanting what I can't have. They always say you don't get what you want, you get what you need. But where is that line, who draws that line between what you want and what you need. Is it yourself, is it someone else? I can't tell you, but I can give you what I believe. I watch this earth, I watch others, always wanting something, always reaching out for something. I see so much, yet so little. Sometimes I think I have this whole world figured out, and then in a split second that's gone. I will always search for answers to questions that have no answers. I don't mind, that's what gives me my passion to live. Every day we learn something new, about ourself, about others. Each step we take, every new thing we learn, we take in and it defines the person we are even more. Who we are is all we have. I use to think I lost myself, that I had to search out to find myself, but I was wrong. I never lost myself, I was just afraid of myself. Afraid of my voice, afraid of my thoughts. I use to believe my mind was a curse. Now I see it is the greatest gift I could have ever received. And that's why I wish to share every thought that I have with you. I found so much beauty in myself that I did not see before. I use to watch others and see so much hatred so much pain. I built a wall in myself because I was afraid if I dug any deeper I was going to find that pain, that hatred. But that wall is gone now and I did find hatred and pain, but I also found love, I found bliss. If there was not pain then there would not be love. There is no right or wrong way to feel, you just do. There is no right or wrong way to be, you just are. Once you start trying to be something, you are lying to yourself, being just is.

...................................................... She's completely insane but in all the right ways when others walk she runs, and when you ask she will never tell you a lie all the secrets to this world are held inside that one body she has the ability to show this world colors no one could ever imagine she will take you to all the places you have dreamed of but at first she'll keep on running so fast you can not see within she'll take you with her until your tired and weak never letting you see whats behind those eyes then when you're about to fall she'll sneak upon you like the whipsering wind holding out her hand for you to come inviting you to see she will spread her wings carrying you upon her back when you walk away is when she'll let you in only a blind man could not see to reach for her hand she'll wait but not long ......................................................

sometimes i feel as though i do not belong on this earth at this time. Its as though the gods or god or whoever the higher beings might be made this terrible mistake and placed me on this earth at the wrong time maybe they are just watching...hoping that i don't break at this point of my life everywhere i turn i just feel as though i do not fit in. maybe it is my trust issues. There are some things that have happened in my life that i wish i could regret but i can't since the events that happened were not my fault. And those events, the ones which somewhat tramatized me yet made me stronger, are the things that stripped me of my trust. Have you ever tried your hardest to forget something and when you finally think you have it comes back when you least expect it. I have reasons i have trust issues... will those reasons stay locked away forever? i hope not...it will take a strong person to get me to let down my guard completely...the thing is when that person comes along will i let myself trust them, or will it be the wrong person i tend to trust the wrong people the people i have in the past they end up leaving or taking that trust for granted maybe that is partly my fault maybe i act stronger than i actually am...she looks just like a woman...she breaks just like a little girl...i guess like anyone i'm afraid to trust because i'm afraid to be hurt again.. i can sit here and say everything is so beautiful that everything is perfect but that would be a lie. life is not perfect, sometimes things happen to you that you could not control that makes your soul cry everytime you think of it. But that is life that is living. People say the words "you can trust me" all the time. In a perfect world you would be able to, but in my world i can't, at least not everyone i meet. There are some things you could regret if you chose to,there are some things you can forget, then there are those other things you just have to accept. i'm sorry for the downer today was not a good day i suppose it happens:( ......................................................

Email: careybouchie@hotmail.com