LIVING WITH DYING
In the movie “On Our Own Terms Moyers on Dying: Living with Dying,” different views of death were presented. I was interested to see what other people had to say about death, so I could relate it with my own experiences. I was also hoping to find words of encouragement for those who have lost a loved one, which I could use to express my sympathy for others and to use the advice for myself. My boyfriend died May 10, 2002 and since then I know my view of life and death has changed greatly. Also, just last month my best friend of six years lost her mother to cancer. Even though the experience of losing someone close was still fresh in my mind, I did not know what to tell her. The video stated that every death is unique and can’t be generalized in describing how you should feel or react. After watching this video, I have become more aware that people view death differently based on their beliefs, culture, and experiences.
A person’s beliefs can greatly effect how they view death and what they do to cope with it. Most people struggling with death are lead to religion. In most religions the belief is that the body may cease but the soul continues. This spiritual view gives the person dying a sense of hope that it is not the end. I think that it also provides comfort for the family left behind, that they will one day reunite with the deceased. When I first found out that my boyfriend had died, I wanted to run away from religion. I was angry with God for letting someone I cared for die. I’m still angry that some people will go through life, never having lost someone close to them. I kept thinking, “Why did this happen to me?” Then I became angry again for being selfish. I wanted answers, so I decided to give my religion another try. Surprisingly I became somewhat comforted. Last semester I joined the Campus Crusades Club, here at Villa Julie, which has helped me even more. I decided to get a tattoo on my lower back of a celtic cross, to mark what I’ve been through and what I still struggle with. I feel that a person’s beliefs can greatly change their outlook on death.
In addition to a person’s belief, I learned that culture can play a big role in a person’s view of death. Hospitals take this into account when they consider the ethics of prolonging life using ventilating machines. Some cultures will not even consider death in a hospital. Latinos want to die at home with their large family surrounding them. I think if it is possible to have your family with you, it is a very nice way to say goodbye to your loved ones. One other thing that I found interesting was that when there is death in the family people get uncomfortable but in the movies and on Halloween it is ok. Another difference in cultures is the emotions felt after a loved one has passed. In Spain there is a special holiday, called Day of the Dead, which celebrates the death of loved ones. They see it as a wonderful thing that the person has reached an after life. However the western culture views death as a voyage of sending a loved one off. They experience sadness and grief. Even though it has been a year since I’ve lost my boyfriend I still have trouble talking about him. The video stated that families sometimes put in obituaries, not to send flowers. It is a difficult time and even though people mean well, they often say the wrong things. When my best friend’s mom died, I didn’t want to tell her I was sorry. I remember that when it was said to me I felt angry because they shouldn’t be apologizing, it wouldn’t make him come back, and they didn’t understand. I didn’t want to ask how she was because the answer was obvious. And I could definitely not say, “It will get better.” It never gets better. Thinking about it will be less often but the feeling of loss will never go away. So I told my friend, “My comfort to you.” My views of death are definitely learned from the western culture.
Finally I saw in the video that an individual’s personal experience can affect how they view death. I used to think death was scary and I wanted to live forever so I would never have to go through it. However, as the video stated, a person’s perspective changes when they lose a family member or loved one. They no longer fear dying. This is exactly how I feel. I don’t want to die right now but if tomorrow I found out that I had cancer, I would be able to accept it and not fear it. I think that every death and every response to death differs greatly. The biggest difference I see is the relationship that you had with the loved one. The feelings that I have from losing a boyfriend are slightly different than how my best friend is feeling right now. Another factor that influences how you view death is the way a person dies. My best friend watched her mom slowly die of cancer and was with her when she took her last breath. Her experience with death had to have been emotionally draining. I almost envy her because she got to say goodbye. My boyfriend accidentally shot himself. He died before he knew what hit him so there was no time for goodbyes. One man in the video said it best when describing how he felt after his dad died, “When someone you know dies it feels like an emergency. You feel frozen and in frenzy like you got to do something.” He also said that at first a person is in denial when a loved one dies. It is hard to say “was,” instead of “is.” For me to type right now that my boyfriend is dead, it is still a hard thing to do. I’ve overcome the fear of dying and have partially overcome the denial.
While watching this video, I found that I agreed with most of the different points made. I now know that people can have different ways of thinking and talking about death. It was nice to be able to relate with each of the groups introduced that had to deal with death in the family. My favorite quote from the video was from the wife of the man who died of cancer, “the people we know, know we love them.” Once people realize this, comfort will soon follow.
Email: s-riase@mail.vjc.edu
