May
Mood:  not sure
I need advice from anyone. What do I do if I'm crazy about this girl and I know that she likes me, but inside she knows it won't work for now. We agreed to hang out after she broke up with her b/f after Prom, but said that it would be just to have a fun time. I want to know how she feels about just me and her ever being something more. She said one day in the car that if it's meant to be it will happen. I am willing to be patient, but I want to find out if she has ever dreamed or thought about us being more and how she feels about it.

This is a story about dreams and how mixed up you can get when trying to achieve them.

-MAY-

May was supposed to be my month. I thought everything would all fall into place the way I expected it to. Once again, I was wrong. Nothing ever goes the way you plan for it. At least that happens every time I dream about amazing things happening to me.
I’m thinking back, way back, I wanted to make the US National Team. I was either 14 or 15 and I had convinced myself that I was good enough to make it, and that the next chance a national coach saw me play, I would play amazing and the would have to choose me. Wrong. I was playing with the regional team, and I played ok, but nothing close to spectacular.
There are countless times in soccer where I’ve told myself that I was better than what I was up against. Maybe I was, who knows, I didn’t perform on the days I needed to be playing my best.
More importantly than soccer, I completely convinced myself that I was better than the life I was leading. Sure enough, I packed up my bags, grabbed some money, and tried to live on my own. That lasted a week. I came home broke, heartbroken, and feeling like life was over.
After that incident, things got better, a lot better. I was happy with what I had. Family and friends started to form a new meaning in my head. It wasn’t a complete transformation however; I still was putting myself ahead of others and even my own life. By this, I mean, I cared more about hooking up with girls than focusing on school, soccer, and God.
There’s one person solely responsible for helping me find the truth in myself and the truth in God. When I see this girl, even when I think about her, her presence alone makes me feel like I’m with an angel of God.
Instead of trying to impress her, I want to be more like her. I want to know the way she feels, and walk a similar path as she does. It’s hard for me to figure out whether I only want to do this because I like her, or because I’ve found the truth in her, myself, and God. I tell myself every day it’s the second reason. I pray it is. If it’s not, I’m still thankful for the things I’ve learned about what’s important in life. It’s the simple things I look forward to in the future, such as being a husband, being a father, living in a nice neighborhood, teaching a Sunday school class, living for God.
How come I still think about her nonstop and feel the way I do if the purpose of showing me the life I need to live is complete. Why am I still going crazy and hoping every day that she feels something more for me. I’m trying to hold my faith as strong as I can and believing that one day she will ultimately fall for me.
Besides all of this, she has been with a guy for 3 years! How can she not love him, or does she? Her experience with her ex-boyfriend is frustrating because I believe that if that time was spent with me she would in love with me by than. I am not her, I can’t guess at the things she needs to be happy and what makes her feel loved and wanted. I know what I think helps people become close together. I wanted to take time to spend with her during May and show her all of these amazing places and do amazing things so that I would open myself up for love in a 3 week period. How different can 3 weeks be than 3 years though? Time is different for sure, experience maybe, being there yes, but all these things I could prove true with me to for her if I had things go the way I planned.
In my mind, I got screwed over with this 2 week mono-episode I had in mid-May. I had to lay there like a couch potato for two weeks during May and I felt like the world was over. It isn’t though, but when I first heard that I had mono I broke down crying because I had all these events and activities I planned to do with this girl. Things that I thought for sure would do over someone else’s 3 years and even have a lasting impact forever. I remember telling this girl that after May, she would never forget me. We did get to spend one night together. We went out to eat, came back to my house, watched a movie, and played card games. All in all, I was sick and couldn’t do much, but I think it was the most fun I could’ve possible had on that night. I’m starting to feel like she will forget me though. I didn’t get to do the amazing things I wanted to do, but than there is that faith I have that emails, and chatting online, and maybe seeing each other occasionally in the future will hold up for me.
Is this all a huge misconception though? Can I have really built up in my mind that amazing feeling of success and let myself open to be hurt once again? I don’t know. I’m sure to find out. The scary part is that this feeling I have with this girl is similar to those hopes and dreams I had before. They failed, so should I be expecting a miracle?
I know miracles can happen. I made a 3 point shot while falling out of bounds in PSA basketball. That was a miracle shot. The feeling I had then, the feeling of triumph with a little bit of faith, and a whole lot of help from God, is the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. I know that if something that small can stick with me for this long, and make me still believe that there is a tiny bit of chance that I will come out on top, nothing is impossible.
It is going to take a whole lot of effort, a whole lot of patience, and a whole lot more miraculous action from God, but I believe that I will end up happy with an angel. I’m afraid to tell myself that I am in love, however; I think I could honestly dedicate myself to this girl in a supportive, loving, caring, whole-hearted way.
I had a dream the night before I wrote this that me and her were getting on a bus to go somewhere, and there were bags being packed up, other people piling up on the bus, and we ended up sitting in the back together. Sometime during this dream the mention of a 6 hr. bus ride was mentioned. Where it was heading, I have no idea. While the bus started to leave, I turned to say something to her, but I started being confused with my speech. It was as if I was unsure of what I wanted to tell her. However, the feeling I felt of being next to her was more important than what I said or didn’t say. I woke up because I wasn’t talking to her; I was scared that she would get a bad impression of me or something. Within minutes, I was trying to fall back asleep so I could feel the same thing of being with her and seeing her beautiful face.
If I had to take a guess, I think this dream was trying to tell me that I can try to say all these different things to her but that it will all come out the same, or not come out at all. However, if I share the feeling with her it will let her see me different, and hopefully give her the chance to feel something, rather than me trying to communicate it. Yeah, this might end up one day being on the list of failures, but if it does, it was definitely worth mentioning at the time. I’d rather know that I have the possibility of being with someone truly amazing than never knowing.
After May, we won’t see each other again for quite awhile. And I’m not hoping for a relationship during college, because I know that we would be thousands of miles apart. It would be difficult, stressful, but I still want to talk through emails and AIM. All I need to know is whether there is a feeling, and that we should stay in touch for a reason other than just talking with old high school friends. We both will date other people in college, live different lives, but I want to make sure that if I have missed this first opportunity in May, that I will have it again sometime in the future, and that it will be for someone’s heart.

If I could only tell her one thing for how I truly felt, It would be this:

You truly are an Angel of God. You’re more beautiful on the inside and outside than anyone I’ve ever met. I hope one day I can be as much of a blessing to you as you have been for me.