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---=[ n u c l e a r . f u c k i n g . w i n t e r ]=---

" Been frozen for a while. Drifted through my own mind and invited a few souls. Left my own body, escaped the pain, drugged it and thought I didn't want to come back to this world. Slipped into a coma-like state and let the isolation embrace me. I was feverish. Temperature at a 104 to be exact. Family and Doctors were surprised my brains didn't boil. Thought I had entered the other realm I see on a regular basis. Thought it was time to join them finally. It wasn't. A pale shadow of whom I used to be.She started to shimmer again. She was tired. She took a little nap. She woke up and opened her eyes. She's me, kicking and screaming, pissed off beyond anything she's ever known of, she's picking and plucking her favorite people from out of their minds and showing them what she does.She saw a light in the darkness.Drank it in like virgin wine.Strapped the past on her back like ammo. Opened the shades to the window and kicked the glass in...and she's off to avenge everything that almost left her dead in her own head."
D.M.
2000


" PERFECTLY ABSOLUTE"

By: D.M.
Created 10/15/2000

I second myself in this world that I lived away
You stood too far inbetween and now history is repeating again today
Still not myself and I'm lost in everybody's mind
You walk away when you can and I was so close to finding out where you hide...
( I'm sorry for the inbetween...)

I'm not that perfect - I make mistakes - One after another
I'm not held too much in regards...Even Virgin Mary had a mother
I'm not that perfect - I don't care if everybody else knows
Still not dwelling today even if my presence otherwise shows

Crown me in your thorns of royalty where everybody else can lend their bless
I'll just keep on smiling despite the fact I've been living a perfectly manicured mess
Build me up as far as everybody else can see and get three prayers ready
I'll stand there beaten and sore - while everybody has something to say about me

Stuck deep inside this very flesh that nobody else has to live in
I'm living yet another day
Stuck with your hands wrapped around my throat and bruised up skin
Is this the part where I'm supposed to pray?

I'm not that perfect - I never said that I couldn't break
You said that you were - In fact you declared I was a mistake
I'm not perfect - In fact I'm prone to weaken under mounds of stress
You could have cleaned up that land slide...in fact you just added to the mess...

I void myself and vote myself for the campaign
Still...I'm not that perfect - Still feeling my own pain
I'm not so damn perfect - I said this from the very start
I motion myself and wonder if you have the heart

I'm not that perfect - In fact I wish so many impossible things
You took away my slumber and filled with me with occasional dreams...
I have never been perfect - I'd have given up my life for you
I'll lay real still - You can all stand with shovels in hand
And still I know I'm not so perfect - It's your turn to bury me too
( I'm not sorry you want to...)

Magdalene: Oh that. Im sorry about that...
Brian: No your not.
Magdalene: If you say so...
Brian: No, you really aren't...
Magdalene: Like I said...If YOU say so...


" DEVINE MISCONCEPTION "

By: D.M.
Created 11/1/2000

Big bang - Big nothing - In this great big sky
Jesus bleeding in this great big world - Christ, he doesn't answer - Because he really doesn't know why
One big travesty - A great big crush for myself on the inside
Do you think I'm sexy on fleshy knees? Where the unwanted scabs can't hide?

I wanna misbehave - I wanna do BAD things!
Sleep on white washed tombs - And master all the puppet strings
I said Oh father undress all your sins!
Romp in fleshy desires instead of biblical hyms
We all need to be saved...to each our own
And no need to mock those who choose to cast the first stone

Bottles, Re-Fills and narcotics seemed to be the right way
Leave us to save ourselves as you die praying that way today
Church is open - Holy men holding out a hand - Gonna slap you in the face
God damn - Pleased to meet you - You god damn disgrace!

I'm going to Hell
I'm swimming in that lake of fire
Hey everybody...I'm going straight to Hell
I'm singing in Satan's choir
Sure as shit these serpants swallow whole
I've fallen from grace and out of control

I see the world in war
People for what they're for
Wolves in Sheeps clothing next door
Modern prophets walking out of a drug store

But it doesn't matter in a strange chain of events
Mother Mary Virgins, Devine misconceptions and blasphemous presents
Big bang - Big nothing in this great big world we evolve in...together
Big bang - Big deal - For what seems to be forever

Violet: I smoke, I swear, I fuck and I do drugs! I'm such the role model aren't I?!
Magdalene: But you're honest. You've always been honest.


"PART OF RAIN"

By: D.M.
Created 11/12/2000

Get baptized in the rain and watch it fall down on me
It viciously blesses the un-holy parts of me
And tell a lie to the heart body and soul
This is how to get grounded - Become naked - And learn to see

Is it nonsense? Am I scared? If as much you'll be afraid
Of the things I've said - Of the many things I've toyed with...And made
I'm haunted by my own misbehavings - Haunted and yet suddenly not so afraid
Shed your clothing, Lay in puddles and lets get baptized in the rain

You want to say something and I feel charges in the air
This is the time, Now is the time and I'm compelled to share
I'm lost in my own shadow and i'm haunted by the Earth's very core
And I don't feel so brave standing naked and wet - But I am secure

Hell don't know my fury,My guts and glory - Hell don't know my own voice
Heaven can't find me, No faith like I used to and hating each choice
Nothing to lose, Nobody to relate to and the unexplainable to gain
I'm closing my eyes and leaving ghosts behind so we can get baptized in the rain

And it falls delicate at first and then picks up with every blink
And it violates my mind and rapes my uncertainty...I think
But I could spin circles with my arms above my head
Everything seems so complete like this and I understand what can't be said

Get baptized in the rain and forget the world as you think it might see you now
It caresses the soul - The heart of me - My humility- and I can't describe how
Just shed those clothes and stand right at my side
I want to see your vulnerable parts - Your very state of being - Yield to me and abide
...And get baptized in the rain...

Magdalene: Take your clothes off -
Brian: Why?
Magdalene: Don't you trust me Bri?
Brian: Yeah-
Magdalene: Then take off your clothes already. Aint like I haven't seen you before
Brian: This is stupid ya know that?!
Magdalene: Nothing is stupid out here. Look up. It's pouring. It's inviting.
Brian: Well, now what?
Magdalene: Take my hands.
Brian: Look at you. You're cold. You're shivering...
Magdalene: You only think I'm shivering 'cause it's cold outside...and we're naked. I'm shivering with awe.
Brian: Awe?
Magdalene: Yes, I'm in awe with this wet wet power thats kissing my body. If you close your eyes and open your mind like you're supposed to...you'll feel it too...
Brian: I'm not cold anymore...
Magdalene: Then why are YOU shivering?
Brian:I think... I can... I can feel you
Magdalene: Can you feel me feeling?
Brian: ...Yes......


" SOULS"

By: D.M.
Created 11/15/2000

Got my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds
Got my eyes looking down and my mind making rounds
Each time that I wake up, Don't want to make-up, and don't go to bed
Don't change my friends, Won't make ammends - I'd rather be dead

Am I the only one alive?
Did I really survive?
Still this fucking angry?
Still breaking everything I see?

Went to hell and wondered what the fuck
Went to heaven and hoped I wasn't stuck
Lit a candle and layed down in a pentagram
Looked up at Christ and said - "This is who I am..."

Held a gun and wished I would have killed you ( yeah, take that how you will...)
Held my head and laughed - " I'm glad I'm not like you "
Heard my mother doesn't like the way I behave - Doesn't like my taste
I'm the future in this human race - A beautiful Human waste

Nail me to a wooden cross and stone me as time spans
Is it enough to stay alive and know...I'm doing the best I can
As children hear your God laughing at their pain
Shed these mortal coils and feel faith start to strain

Saw Father laying cold and still
Found his saviour in a couple hundred pills
Fell to my knees and turned my head to the sky ( Can't tell you why...)
If I wanted to be Daddy's girl I'd have to die

Would you know how to feel?
The day Lucifer showed me his appeal?
Sorry if Grim was reaped by his own wrath
I'd like to thank the academy for this aftermath ( Thanks...)

Jenna: I can't see it like SHE can. I FEEL it though
Brian: What do you feel?
Jenna: When souls pass through. When souls pass on.
Brian: Maybe you guys should talk about it...
Jenna: Thats just it. When your like us...you're torn. Torn between wanting to talk about it or just wanting to leave it alone or never ever speak of it. Thats just how it is...for us.
Brian: What do you usually do when you feel that way?
Jenna: It's instinct I guess, to tell others about it, and let them know that you know...something...I guess.
Brian: I wish you'd tell me...
Jenna: ...There was a lot of pain here. It was...the pain of letting go. The pain of having to actually let go...of everything.


" WOULD IT KILL YOU? "( blonde man )

By: D.M.
Created 11/21/2000

Make believe me to be alive and open my eyes
Force the children no matter how hard they cry
And the blonde man's on his way again
He's smothering all the mouths of all my friends ( and pulling at our loose ends...)

Grab at my increasing anger as it seeps through hairline cracks
Take a number before you stab me in the back
And your hands are wrapped around our little throats
And I'm sick of being your god damned scapegoat

But in outlines of chalk and salt
We're a falling trinity of our own assault
And I'm pleased to beat you finally
Pleased to be apart of your totality

We're not your slave
We didn't dig you from the grave
We're not your voodoo heads
We didn't rape you in your bed

And you're ancient and before written word
Havoc me, Ravish my mind, leave me hopeless and absurd
And we're not going to die in your nightly holocaust
We're not going to become victims in the land of the lost...

Blonde man in the mirror, Blonde man in the sand
Devil in the river - Contorting our dreamland
Blonde man in the flesh, Blonde man on the pillow
Devil in the closet reeking underneath a Halo

We're not your lover
Didn't kill us undercover
We're just a little far from grace
And killing you softly - At a rapid pace

Blonde man are you shaking in that skin?
Blonde man are you begging to get in?
Blonde man are you everything you've claimed to be?
In your demise as far as you can see

You gave us a reason to avoid sleep
Murdered our counted sheep
Casted shadows in our imagination
Left us soiled in your mental ejaculation

Deceived us into slitting our wrists
And cut a little deeper if the pain persists
Believed that we would go mad in your mind
But tonight I've left my demons behind

Blonde man are you creeping through our sleeping?
Blonde man are you scared of invading our dreaming?
Blonde man are you fearfull we may turn on you?
Blonde man...are you?

Magdalene: I felt myself slipping away down through the darkness. The places you call the voids. I couldn't see my hands...I couldn't find my voice.I couldn't even find you there. I thought I heard you -
Sebastian: Screaming.
Magdalene: And my body wanted to come back just then. I wouldn't let it though. I needed to find you first.
Sebastian: You didn't think you'd find me in -
Magdalene: His arms. Just looking at me like your eyes wanted to tell me how it happened in the first place -
Sebastian: That he was going to try to keep you there -
Magdalene: But I've already learned how to control the light and the dark...and he said -
Sebastian: He keeps you depressed so he can control you. He told me you had the capacity to-
Magdalene: Rule the world if I wanted to...


" MISS TAKE "

By: D.M.
Created 11/24/2000

Figure myself out and hold that thought
Of the prophets and all they taught
Of faith and all the Bible's might
And well...Jesus Christ died that night...

Wonder if I'm actually feeling this violent
Pondering my own intent
Feel tears start to well
And while you're at it...Put me through Hell

This is mine and this will be
All the smiles I can fake through my elusive tragedy
This is mine and I will remain
Restrained by narrow mind's choke chain

Tell me all the things I'd like to hear
The things I said I can do...The things you said you wouldn't fear
Turn your back on me and walk away...really, It's okay
It's all mine when it happens and when it happens...It's just another day

In the life of me I feel the snare
Of those who fear me too much to care
In this skin i'm in I feel
Deceived, Still and too damn Real

Go away - Come back - I just can't make up my fucking mind
Slip away - Hold on - Wait a second - Give me a minute to find
The right abuse you'd like to inflict
On me - The visionary who couldn't predict...this

Make me born again
Clean my head
Make me whole again
Because it never seems to end

Stick it into my side and let the bleeding start
And if you really feel the need to...Break the rest of this heart
It's my fault anyways - It always is - I'm used to taking the blame
It's been a long ride - Been a long way - I'm really glad I came

Make me born again
Raise me nice and shy
Make me born again and confident...
Of never knowing why

Make me born again
Let me start anew
My could be golden hair curled
Make me born again or change the world.

Magdalene: Leave me alone.
Brain: Why do you want me to leave you alone right now?
Magdalene: Because I can't seem to leave myself alone right now...


" 17, 18 , 19, VANITY "

By: D.M.
Created 11/26/2000

In ability and all the rest of what you babble I can't make
Any room for your feast of all saints and...heartache
In ridiculous and everything else you say
I just woke up kicking and screaming today

That you'd fit quite nice in the palm of my hand
And
While I was at it I thought of the past
And

Drew the sky black and said "Let there be night
Let these phantom wings take flight
And take this space from my sight"
'Cause it aint beautiful anymore...

I've been dead for too long
Refused myself and believed I may have been wrong
And from out of this coma-like state
It's a perfect time to celebrate
( i contemplate...)

This is the second coming of my own existence
Fadded the patience and only tolerated the resistance
Confined in solitary I started to fall
But this is what it's like being awake afterall

Not this skin, not your body anymore
Not the pain, not the sore
Our worlds collide by train and I
Don't feel like letting you ride anymore...

Did the sky turn grey and swollen?
Did your papers and poets weave a life already woven?
Did a gunshot say you were a god for the day?
And all the beautiful ones died that way...

Where do you fit into this picture frame?
The last ladder to climb in this claim to fame
As far as I can see...
A nuclear fucking winter's conspiracy

Needed a revolution
Burned a witch and an absolution
On the bound and in the t.v.
Like another dead Kennedy...

So we'll take another valium and light a candle
All the torrid events we can handle
Take our heart away and pop more soma
In this time...in this life.....in this world...we're a coma...

Magdalene: Whenever I hear about what you've done...I get these headaches...like my head's just going to explode, and then my whole body starts to shake, then my skin...it just feels like somebody set fire to me and I'm burning up. Then I want to scream. But even that wouldn't be enough to just scream 'cause even if I did, and trust me, I have, It feels like there is another voice in the back of my throat...and it too has to scream with me. Then, thats when things start to happen. Thats when I know I'm going to lose control of myself...
Elle: You're full of it ya know that...?
Magdalene: Let me ask you something....seriously.Do you really want to put that theory to the test right now?


" SIXPENTS"

By: D.M.
Created 12/1/2000

Moonlight casting shadows
Delicate skin I see
A dark night in motion
The sex within me

I've been stirred and I do feel
The appeal
Falling off my shoulder is this little strap
I lay my head down in your lap

Could be that I like to show you things
Like to pull at all your strings
Watch you come undone and unravel
The way my finger tips travel...

If I wanted you I'd have it that way
If you didnt want to... I'd have you anyway
Thats how it is, Thats how it's always been
Don't speak, Don't hesitate...My patience will wear thin

Winds sweeping through the window
And you know...
I sing a song of sixpents
And leave you in suspense

See, I've been hunting and I'm armed
To find you, my prey, seeming quite alarmed
That you feel bewitched, That you declare a hex
I silence you again and feel within me, My very sex

And so I watched you lay down nude
My thoughts becoming lewd
And I smiled politely
Sang sixpents and touched you lightly

Felt you burn, Felt you flinch
And inch by inch
Felt you tremble and sway
Breathless with no ability to say...

She sings sixpents and rips at me
Everything's a fantasy in my reality
She sings so low I can hardly hear
The lyrics to her motives when she's near

Moonlight casting shadows
Heaving chest I see
The wet smile of devotion
...The very sex within me....

Jones: I didn't see you coming back. I thought you left for the night.
Mina: I did leave..But I came back. I could feel you suffering from the insomnia again.
Jones: You felt me?
Mina: Yes.
Jones: I don't know if any of this is real.
Mina: In every sense of the word I am real and every night I feel you thinking about me. Where I came from. Who I am. It bothers you because you want to be like me....don't you Jones?
Jones: I wanna be -
Mina: Free...Say it. You wanna be free!
Jones: I wanna be free.
Mina: ...Close your eyes...


" THE LAST FLICKERING FLAME"

By: D.M.
Created 12/24/2000

People as they pass me by, I would see
But sometimes it's just too late for me
And read the minds of all the villians as they would smile
I'm thinking quietly it might take a while

All the world became silent and left me here in my own head
I haven't been breathing - I'm anything - I'm not even dead
Though it seems meaningless to wonder if you're still there
I'm not crying - I'm anything - I'm rejecting your supply of air

I sway in the tides of the world as I see
I sway in the tides of you and me
I tumble down and choke on pints of hypocrisy
'Cause I tumble and sway in this ocean of misery

Over whats been destroyed
Under whats been employed
And I don't wanna wash up feeling as though I've learned nothing at all...
And I don't wanna wash up again and stand tall on these feet....only to fall...

Everything you saw meant nothing
Anything you've said was something
To motivate me in this tiny body compared to the rage that has had a growth spurt
'Cause you were putting me down, kicking me to the ground and creating a gap that you happily filled with hurt

I sway in the tides of the mind and I'm holding on tight
I sway in the tides as they carry me through each night
I tumble down, and I sway, and I see what your eyes couldn't possibly see
'Cause on the count of two or three I realize slowly that you're a pale shadow of whom you used to be

Oh, and by the way, When He came over again today
A message came to me reading "Why do you want it any other way?"
And Oh, By the way, When I traveled down PCH, I couldn't help but think
That my cup runneth over and spilled on to your feet without so much as taking one drink

I sway in the tides of the wars we wage
I sway in the tides of my own age
I tumble and I sway when I stand on these two feet and shout
'Cause I washed up and spit out the excess, and what you thought wasn't in me has been let out

Jones: Cigarettes will kill ya-
Mina: Everything's that feels good seems to be that way...
Violet: I don't smoke to feel good.
Jenna: I have an oral fixation.
Jared: Cigarettes will what?!
Jones: They'll kill ya-
Brian: The air will kill ya
Jenna: The water will do it quicker-
Sebastian: Somebody will be the life of me.
Violet: Shuddup! All 'yall ! Life will kill ya!
Magdalene: Sometimes when it hurts to breathe for no reason at all...it's because you're already dead...and you don't know it. Understanding that will kill ya faster than anything...


" SHAPE AND SHIFT"

By: D.M.
Created 1/26/2001

All of my armour, All of my defenses
The greatest hits of my own pretenses
But I ran so fast I thought I saw the Lord
Falling faster than ever so I implored...

And...They said I was a bullet in the heads of today's youths
Building an army of faith which has no morals or proof
I was an alter kneeling child of the light...
Had a vision of God that night
And as my Loyalty was put through Hell
I don't really give a fuck if he does mean well...

The visions in my head
Of the dead
What the Holy Bible said
These visions of the future
The voices of torture
But I never really know what it's for...

All of my gatherings, All of my circles and chants
The face of faith doesnt turn me on even if it's sticking it's hands down my pants
And should one more soul whisper that I'm behaving too tough
I'll just feel disgusted with myself that I didn't show them enough...

Got my space in time, Got my 30/30 share
Got the world in one hand, Got a gun in the other...and I don't really care
But I got lost in your mind, Got lost in my own
Got lost in Hell and got the feeling I wasn't so alone

So are you feeling cold?
Are your saviours too old?
Do you feel wrong?
Is Heaven taking too damn long?
Did you get down on your knees and pray?
With a death relic to Christ and hoped he would say...
" I made a mistake when I made you...
And I would have killed me too..."

Said " Mercy " - Ignored it
Burned my crucifix and adored it
Could have become possessed
Made the mark and put this army of me to the test...
And figured Satan would do the rest
'Cause everybody knows empty promises taste the best...

Magdalene: When I was a child I thought I saw God. I was alone and I was praying silently. I think I was praying even then that God would forgive me for seeing the things I could see. For doing all the things I could do.For knowing even then...the things I knew. I was scared that what James said was right. That I was a Medium...and I remember James showing me that part in the bible that said, Put all Mediums to death, and I didn't want to die. So I asked God if he would forgive me...and...I never got an answer. I never had another vision of him.Only the ones of his distruction. Only of his wrath.So...yeah, I do believe he's up there...somewhere. So don't tell me that my day of judgement will come because I know it will... when it does...I can't wait...'cause he's got a shit load of explaining to do...


*Post Poetry Dialog*
FROM
" Fear Of Gods "
Written By : D.M.
Fall - 2000

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Gallery One: The Visionary
God, I Really: Fucked Up This Time ( Gallery Two )
TH3REE ( Gallery Three )