Many have asked, "What is The Academy?" The Academy is...
"A smashing hit!" raves The New York Times
"A poignant story of youths, coming of age in difficult circumstances," writes The Washington Post

The only explanation that is better fitting is my roommate's: it's a large-scale swingers' experiment. And who would know better than those of us who live it?

Dr. Eysturlid	Ms Haynes	Mr. Mayfield
Dr. McCane	Mr. Rajca	Dr. Wang
Mr. Watson	Mr. Willis	Home

Dr. Eysturlid
"I can’t kill everyone who annoys me."

---

Talks about Hitler:

The most dangerous of individuals: The frustrated artist.

The hometown boy made good.

In America, he'd have become a middle school art teacher.

Hitler is fine, tanned, and living in Brazil. I guess it's an eighties joke. Sorry.
And other important political leaders:

He looks like he's straining to evacuate his bowels. (on John Adams)

He goes out in his shirt sleeves in the cold rain for three hours, gives a speech, gets pneumonia and dies. We have a problem. (on William Henry Harrison)

Shut up, Churchill, you don't know what you're talking about.

The leader of Mexico is a real bubblehead. (on Santa Anna)

He's a hick, stumbling around in his log cabin drinking hard cider. (on William Henry Harrison)

He keeps showing up as a repetitive loser. (on Santa Anna)

Andrew Jackson, you're full of it.

You're a really old, crusty guy. (on Weygland)

Of course nobody listens to him! (on Churchill)

He was real fat-butt. (on Goering)

Franklin Pierce gets elected in 1822. I do *not* consider that one of the most important events of the 1800s.

Taylor says, 'Hell no. Shut the hell up.'

Our favorite dictator-clown. (on Mussolini)
Talks about war:

The goal of America's existence is to annihilate the Canadians.

I don't know if you need to free the workers of Ethiopia from their great industrial oppressor. Especially in the 1920s and '30s.

You don't want to go to the party without something to play with.

If I move against these people, will they resist? No. Obviously, I can't invade France directly, because they'd resist that.

Oh? That seems like an unhappy circumstance.

Oh those damn Germans are always invading.

Stupid. What were you thinking?!

We're keeping Iceland safe.

Let's take on all of Europe.

Invasions are always accompanied by the dropping of pants. All the time.
Talks about foreigners:

The Fascist Dutch!

Nobody ever buys the 'Soviet Refrigerator' or the 'Soviet Air Conditioner.' Why? They suck.

If you fail, Comrade, you're obviously not showing any revolutionary spirit.

Peasants!

No matter how you dress or how well you speak Japanese, you're going to stick out. (on American spies in Japan)

They're inferior. They have to be exterminated.

The British tradition: understating things as much as possible.

The Russians will be paying a lot of money for Indiana secrets. [adopts Russian accent] 'What kind of chemicals are you putting in your soy beans *this* year?' That's a big money maker."

*Jihad.* *chuckles*

That's a giant welfare project we don't need. (on France)

Who have the Americans beaten up? The Mexicans? The Indians? *Each other*? They do *that* well.

Albania: the least best area in Europe to own.

The Soviets are a whole bunch of Quasimodos.

It's not a powerhouse when it comes to brains. (on the Soviet Union)

On the Man and other important matters:

Damn the Man! Get off my back!

The Man is elevating you past your potential!

Has the Man got you down?

Farmers- they're always taking things over.

Starbucks will stamp out the hippie deadbeats.

It's not that you save the environment - it's whether or not you feel like you are. That's what counts.

If there were just a bunch of tents in the desert, you wouldn't go. (on Vegas)

Damn that sucks. You're a slave, man. Throw down the shackles!

The wannabe slackers of the north-east. (on Transcendentalism)

'Leave my pond alone!' Ooh, he's righteous. (on Thoreau)
Feels the love:

I can be the slave and she can be the master.

I'll give you a hug after class.

Are you feeling extra sensitive to-day?

Tough crowd.

You're all piss 'n' vinegar to-day.

What a bunch of weenies.

If attitude was intellect?"

It's so wonderful you guys don't make mistakes.

You all look at me like I'm speaking Swahili.

He's supposed to tell me. I'm his partner.

'God I can't stand that person. His life would be better if I were friends with him.'
Faces the facts:

I'm just not the winner of friends and influencer of people you are.

I want to backstab and betray people and get people executed.

Here's the deal at the Indiana Academy of Science Mathmatics and Humanities: science is first, math is second, and the retarded, redheaded stepchild, the humanities, come third.
Talks to Talisha:

Benda! be quiet.

I'm sure someday you'll make somebody very unhappy.

Your life sucks.

Could you be a little more of a pain in the butt? God.
Misc:

Did you guys ever watch the X-Files? That show wouldn't exist without cell phones.

It's a mouse trying to swallow an elephant.

Americans are reproductive.

One of them southern double agents.

Mighty Ducks? That's pretty much the same thing. *rolls eyes* (on Emilio Estavez as Jesse James)

Say it as though you're trying to form a cohesive sentence.

Are you down with your Asian self? You're about as Wonderbread and bologna as it gets.

Absolute and constant terror will keep people in line. TOP

"You're not going to learn anything today if I can help it."

---

Writing is hard!

You won't laugh after you've been at the Academy awhile.

'We were at the Student Centre, and oops! Accidentally had sex!'

Generally, you're supposed to get in touch with your inner dumbness.

'Make it'? Is that how you say it?

Writing is like thinking. That's why it's hard.

The mother - probably the most feared of all humans on all earth.

I’m going to shut up. I can hardly wait.

There’s nothing to cheer a person up more than Job.

Their talk is just like farts in the wind.

I told you I was going to bore you today.

A sad case that Job.

I think there are many people in here who are not named properly.

If Hamlet were alive today, he’d fit in at the Academy.

TOP

"Sometimes I sit out on the park bench I have in my driveway and I try to think what I would do if I were a cell."

---

• I am constantly in awe that when I drink tea it doesn't come out of my nose. I can drink tea upside down and not have it come out my nose...well, it does a little.
• Forty or fifty years from now you'll have hair growing out your nose and ears and your grandchildren will be afraid of you.
• On Friday we'll explore the nose. -holds up index finger
• If you had come to Wagoner Hall on December 27 or 28, you would have seen teachers wandering aimlessly around, trying to instruct each other. It was a little bit like 'Dawn of the Dead.'
• We have a collection of artificial urine in the back if you play sports in the spring and have to pass the drug test.
• When you get older, in-laws tend not to be a relaxing mental image.
• When you go home, see someone you know at the drive in, that's what you do--you throw your arms in the air and reproduce.
• They have recommended that you don't become a hand-sanitizer freak.
• You can do lots of things with urine.
• haughtily: Ha! I have no fear of chicken pox. I am immune.
• They just became turkey-bombs. -on trying to make turkeys fly
• Pop Tarts tend to be nature's perfect food.
• Not everybody eats visceral muscle for lunch.
• Sacramento's not one of your more imaginative cities.
• It's better than drugs. It's better than heroin. It's just incredible.-on traction
• If you see little Japanese children running around, they would enjoy being greeted...or tripped.
• Your membranes are mostly margarine.
• Sometimes you should drink real milk to get a feel of what the little calves drink... (ponders for a moment) I was going somewhere with milk and I got lost.
• Instead of Mr. Greenjeans you could get, you know, Marilyn Manson." -on merry-go-round operators
• Mr. P53 goes off to the bar leaving Mr. Greenjeans alone to go wild and throw kids left and right.
• We have sweat glands so we can be active during the day. We're not particularly good hunters, but we can throw rocks at lions durng the heat of the day...
• It was a religious thing. It'd almost have to be to take care of calf-length hair.
• My chameleon can't smile at me no matter how happy he is.
• After all, it's a Jainist holiday. You can go out and burn a book or something. -on Christmas
• If you smash a mosquito and pour hydrogen peroxide on it, it will bubble, too.
• It may be the next Thing. -on cosmetic scarring
• I live for the removal of splinters. It's great fun.
• Some people are younger than others. Some people are unhappy about being younger than others.
• Tattoos-you can do these yourself.
• You've heard a saying 'You can't teach an old dog new tricks' which is why this isn't on PowerPoint.
• If you decide you have problems with your roommate that you just can't solve, you can bury her in the courtyard. Of coure, I never told you this.
• I was born in the United States in Nebraska which is kind of like India.
• He used to show porno movies. -on his dentist
• It's nice to have big, burly firemen come into your house in their big yellow boots.
• Beer and firemen just go together in my mind.
• I don't drink Coor's beer-I've lived in Colorado.
• Australians: they're a weird group.
• In reality, Rosie O'Donnell buys all the Krispy M & Ms.
• You have roommates, you have strange in the hall, you'll have litle children next week. Feel free to palpate them.
• We'll learn some tricks you can do with your pharynx later.
• Being a little nubbin of bone, it promptly broke. -on his coccyx
• You laid waste to other living organisms for breakfast.
• You need to learn to become a Bean Eater.
• It's one of those things that would have been better left undiscovered. -on peanuts
• It's a dumpy, stable, conservative, Jesse Helms kind of molecule. -on DNA
• When I was little we used to eat brains and eggs. We used to grind up pig brains and eat them with scrambled eggs. On special occasions only, of course. You can't even buy brains in the grocery sore anymore.
• They discovered it so they wanted to make a big deal about it."-on Priestley et al’s discovery of oxygen
• You don't give this drug to adults because it's a hallucinogen. You give it to little kids because all little kids have imaginary friends anyway.
• It was great fun, but smelly. Really smelly. -on injecting female chicks with testosterone
• If you put a block of salt out in your backyard, pretty soon you'll have all sorts of animals in your backyard. Then you can sit out there and shoot them all...that's illegal, by the way. So this weekend if you're looking for something fun to do, go out there with your bag of Morton salt and your bb gun and just wait. TOP
  
  "Enjoy pleasure of a different kind."

  ---

  Talks about sex:
  

• Are you saying you'd like to be frisky, too?
• I was going to put on funny clothes and dance around.
  You know what would be even funnier? taking your clothes *off* and dancing around. -Nate White and Dr. McCane
• You're my little itsy bitsy boopsie.
• We're getting kinky here.
• This is where I'm going to start exploiting you guys.
• Alas, alack, he got schalacked. He got stabbed in the back.
• This is an artificial version of a true virgin.
• He's stoking his furnace! -on Pygmalion
• She doesn't quiver until later when she and Aeneas get into the cave.
• That's something like kinky sex or something. That'll really get people to the haunted house.
• He had a reputation for judging women's flesh. Yes, he did. He was something of an expert.
• In other words, if I got mad at you, I can give you more than just a tongue.
• Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex.
• Latin students know how to party.
• It's naughty.
• Apollo: the Greek god of manly beauty.
• If I'm in a particularly perverse mood, they're no telling what I might do.
• It can mean sexual pleasure, I guess.
• Bah, humbug to women!
• I had to give a real tongue lashing to my prisoners the other day.
• Am I going to have to turn some people over my lap and whip them?
  Talks about humanity:
  
• As we all know, men are always brave. *chuckles*
• We may be dumbbunnies, but we're not dumbasses.
• Up until ten years ago, you were called geeks and nerds.
• To call a Scot an Englishman is worse than calling a Canadian an American. Americans are not universally admired.
• I have so much trouble with this thinking and talking at the same time. So does most of humanity, according to my observation.
• I don't like people in general.
  'Why are you a teacher?'
  I got in it for the money. The money, free time, and prestige.
  Talks about himself and his life:
  
• Won't he ever shut up and let us go?!
• Hell week is every week for me.
• Maybe people don't like me. That's good. Less grading for me.
• Crying doesn't work on me. I rather enjoy it.
  'Seeing people cry or making them?'
  Yes.
• You know, not all of your teachers are smart. I have no subtlety, no guile. What you see is what you get with me.
• I came in to-day frolicking and kicking up my heels like a little colt and said, Phooey! to Latin.
  Talks about religion:
  
• 'Oh God.'
  He's not going to help you.
• You know - heathens. You have to kill 'em. Talks about "other things":
  
• Since fortune has sneezed - uh...seized...
• Wait a minute-now that's just sinister!
• If you like rap, you've got to *love* Latin poetry.
• Inflected languages require a kind of mental gymnastics.
• I'm holding Joe's ass.
• Drop the acid, Jean! You're tripping.
• Remember those guys a few weeks back who tried to steal my stereo? I was a little upset.
• Napster is only the beginning
• He can get out there, strip naked and cuss at the top of his lungs. It's in the Bill of Rights.
• When you said "daily cycle," I though you meant something else. I was thinking he was irregular.
• I loved it to death!
• I know Tennessee doesn't collect income tax, but who wants to live in Tennessee?
• The Hoosier National Guard is going to protect us.
• I'm sure we could out do you guys in tastelessness and vulgarity. (on the faculty)
  TOP
  
  "I do things inadvertently to torture you."
  Loves his students:
  
  • Oh, that's wrong. That's terrible. I don't want to be offensive, but that's stupid!!"
  • You won't get accepted to Brown. You'll be facing rejection all your life, but this is just gratuitous rejection." Mr. Rajca loves me.
  • There is the question of why we would want to find this, but the point is we can.
  • People would frown at you and hate you, but you could do it. -on higher math
  • Robin, shut up. No more fun.
  • I got drunk. I still am a little bit. [I] did drugs. Smoked cigarettes. Ooh, my head." -on his weekend activities
  • Later: Let me clarify everything--I did not drink over the three day weekend.
  • You're trying to make it too exciting too soon. -on complex numbers in systems of equations
  • It's really scary. It's really bizarre. I don't recommend it.
    TOP
    
    "Now let's do something more fantastic."

    ---

    Talks about the little things in life:
    

  • Silverware looks pretty.
  • Only an idiot laughs for nothing.
  • With my lousy English, you get bored to the hell.
  • Suppose you emit more and more. You become like rich people. They earn more and more but spend less and less. If you're a poor guy like me, you earn less and less and spend more and more.
  • If you want to steal something, you have to take the risk in Taiwan. In America, it's a little bit different.
  • He still walk straight up, no matter how big the ass is.
  • I don't like Oklahoma.
  • It's not easy to build a satellite.
  • Some people call them 'Rice Krispies. Some people call them 'Puffs.' I never eat breakfast.
    Talks grades:
    
  • I know you guys are creative-at least according to the answers you gave on your quizzes and tests.
  • Oh. 'Damn' is right.
  • Do you think you could get 100% if I hand these quizzes back to you? *Chuckles* Oh. Too bad. Looking for love:
    
  • The more mass you have, the more you're attractive. This is not true for girls, of course.
  • What kind of boy you like? Your ideal boyfriend. He could be anything."
    'Cute.'
    Cute? Tall?
    'Yes.'
    6'4"? Muscular?
    'Skinny.'
    Oh…Let me ask someone else.
    
  • Oh, that's nasty.
  • This is me, I wear two coats.
  • Suppose I hold Sean. Say I hold him close, like this-Sean say, "Hey! You too close! People will think we are weird.
  • Assume I am a student, too. We'll have fun together, chase girls together.
  • Why do we need to wear clothes in the winter? We could just take off all our clothes.
  • Have you had experience using a waterbed?
  • I really know some boys love boys and some girls love girls. You know how I describe these people? I say they are not electrons.
    Zen Master:
    
  • Suppose he met a girl over extended and got the phone number. On Spring Break, he's going to see the girl by the lake. They are so romantic that they went to the lake at the night and there was a good moon. He could see the moon in the sky and he could see the moon on the lake. He found out that there's a fish in the lake. This fish could also see the moon.
  • Remember the story I told you about Sean who's dating with the girl at the lake in the night? There is water underneath and here is the moon. Here is Sean without hair and his girlfriend with a lot of hair. They could see the moon. TOP
    
    "I was ashamed once..."
    On the hard facts of life:
    
  • Men can't give birth."
  • 'You can't be relied on because, of course, you have a menstrual cycle.' "
  • If you study American history, you'll run into a lot of dumb white guys."
  • Mr. Watson is an abuser of the environment. I feel bad about it, but not much."
  • At least this guy's just a dumb ass."
  • When nature calls, I go."
  • I got arrested in Guatemala. I was on the frontier and I didn't have papers. Well, I did, but they were forged."
  • Our institutions didn't collapse as a result of severe...suckage. -on the Great Depression
  • For crying out loud, if the British could do it, we could do it. -on running an empire for 100 years
  • The anarchist is sort of the epicurean on crack. Now that's individualism.
  • It's a kind of middle child syndrome. -on Bin Ladin
  • I can see his dogs going, 'Yeah, he's just about had it.' -on Prez Bush choking on a pretzel
  • He's the quintessential cardiac cripple.
  • Sometimes human beings do not rise to the occasion.
  • You got guns? I've got guns. Let me show you guns...
  • We really are the nightmare their collective grandmother forgot to tell them about.
  • That's how they used to do it, guys. -on getting married before having kids
  • You bomb somebody's cow, they get pissed at you. You bomb somebody's wife, they'll get more pissed at you.
  • Well, generations of careful inbreeding produces morons. -on the Hapsburgs
  • I blame my dad's generation for this. He's about retirement age now. But then they did fight World War II. What are you going to do? Right sometimes, wrong other times. -on MAD TOP

    
    "I forgot what my point was."

    • Oh, surgery was nothing compared to seasickness. Give me another surgery before seasickness!
    • Anyone that puts pants on a mouse--come on! -on Disney
    • I'm probably not the person to tell if there's a real problem.
    • I'm for everybody. I'm a humanitarian.
    • My great friend's grandfather translated King Tut's tomb. Isn't that amazing? My grandfather sold horses.
    • I remember a lot of things, but not how they happened.
    • I'm not totally up on everything-a little behind the times, I guess.
    • My pig put me through college.
    • It's a good age to be married. -on being 13
    • In western literature it's either sex or Jesus.
    • I love sock puppets.
    • "Harlequin romances--did you read those when you were three or four? They're for teenage girls and ladies that don't like to think.
    • She's more than usually vacuous.
    • I wouldn't mind being named Novella if I were a woman.
    • Oh, where has culture gone? (on the absence of strip shows at carnivals)
    • I was going to be Emily Richards, writer of Harlequin romances. Emily Richards--you're lookin' at her! TOP