(Tom Brokaw reporting the nightly news.)
Tom: ...talk show host Jerry Springer, and new studies at Pomona College indicate that levels of violence in the America are on the rise.
*****
(A door. It opens, and out walks a tallish man of some personal beauty, looking dejected. We hear loud booing and hissing noises. An empty soda can is thrown at him.)
(Pull back…to reveal the set of the Jerry Springer show.)
Jerry: Welcome to the show, Ernest.
Ernest: Thanks, Jerry.
Jerry: So we hear, Ernest, that you’ve been cheating on Nadine with Laura?
(More loud booing.)
Ernest: Nadine and I have been together for a long time now, and I just think that it isn’t there anymore.
(Nadine, a used-looking, dyed-blonde woman in her late thirties, tries to take off her shoe and throw it at Ernest. She is stopped by good ol’ bouncer Steve.)
Jerry: Nadine, we can tell that you’re very hurt by this, but would you please refrain from throwing things? (Nadine looks huffed.) Now, tell us what relation Laura is to you.
Nadine: That stupid bitch? She WAS my best friend.
(Audience oohs and ahhs)
Jerry: Well, let’s welcome Laura to the show…
(The door opens again to reveal a scantily clad brunette girl.)
(Nadine rushes out of her seat and grabs Laura’s hair.)
(The screen goes black…
And we pull back…)
(Maury Povich holds a remote control in his hand.)
Maury: (shaking head) Look at all the trash you see on TV today. (Maury turns and we see that he is sitting in a loveseat with Gillian Anderson.)
Gillian: Oooh, Maury, that’s enough. Can’t we go back to your place?
Maury: I can’t, honey. I have to tape “Lizard Men and the Women Who Love Them” tonight.
Gillian: (poutily) Aww, all right, sweetie.
*****
(Later that evening…on the set of the Maury Povich show.)
Maury: Please welcome Mark, the first lizard man of the evening.
(A screen slides back and a man with the head of a lizard crawls out.)
*****
(Three hours later…)
(Maury is walking to his car. Gillian is walking with him.)
Maury: …a disaster, not to mention the komodo that ate my best cameraman.
Gillian: Hey, don’t think about that anymore. (Kisses him on the cheek) Your place or mine?
Maury: It’s safe tonight. Connie’s out taping “A Connie Chung Christmas.” We’re sure to be undisturbed.
Gillian: (sighs, relieved) Great! Oh, do you have those cute little blueberry mini-scones?
Maury: (grinning) Of course…and the strawberry bubbly.
Gillian: (squeals)
*****
(Back on Jerry Springer…)
(The show has ended. Jerry and Steve are sitting on the steps of the stage, talking.)
Jerry: What am I doing anymore?
Steve: You’re just making a living.
Jerry: I used to be the mayor of Cincinnati, for God’s sake.
Steve: (puts his arm around Jerry) I know. It’s all right…it’s all right…
(Jerry starts to cry. He buries his face in Steve’s large arm.)
Jerry: (sobbing incoherently) But…as long…you love me…right?
Steve: Yes…yes.
*****
(In front of Maury Povich’s house.)
(Maury and Gillian get out of the car and put their hands in the other’s back pocket. They walk up to the house and Maury unlocks the door.)
(We see Connie Chung on the sofa, cradling a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and watching “The Nightly News with Tom Brokaw.”)
Maury: Connie! What are you doing back so early!
Connie: That Tom Brokaw is the only voice of sanity in this world!…Oh, Maury, they cancelled “A Connie Chung Christmas!” (Sobs) I…(she looks up from her ice cream) What’s going on?
Maury: (flustered) Ah, she’s…my lover…no, rather…I mean…my mistress…I mean…I mean…she’s my sex kitten…ahh…uh…
Connie: (throws down the ice cream and leaps up from the sofa) You bastard! (She assumes a karate stance) We’ll see who’s the bitch now! (Turns to Gillian) Come on, you sniveling piece of white trash!
*****
(Jerry is standing on the bank of the Chicago River, staring into the water.)
(A random passer-by passes by.)
Random passer-by: Hey, Jerry Springer! Man, I watch your show all the time! You’re awesome!
Jerry: (looks up) Really? (A brief smile flits across his face)
Random passer-by: Yeah!
Jerry: Thanks…
(The random passer-by walks away.)
(Jerry sighs.)
(He jumps into the river.)
*****
(In Maury’s house…)
(The floor is covered with blood. We follow a trail of blood up to a closed closet door, from under which a yellow tie protrudes. It is the same tie that Maury wore earlier.)
*****
(Tom Brokaw reports the nightly news.)
Tom: A census taken by the sociology department of Pomona College reports that national violence is lessening, in contrast to last week’s stark increase. In other news, talk show host Jerry Springer has disappeared. Known for hosting a show filled with violence, lewdness, and foul language, Springer was a very controversial entertainer. He was last seen leaving NBC studios in Chicago after taping an episode of his show entitled “Betrayed Lovers XVII.” In Canada, the situation has been growing steadily worse. War correspondent Kevin Tibbles reports. Kevin?
(Kevin Tibbles is ducked in the corner of a brick building.)
Kevin: Tom…(static) the death toll has been on the rise…(static) the bodies of children and the elderly are piling in the streets like (static) so much refuse. Prime Minister Jean Chrétien feels that the situation is hopeless. Back to you, Tom.
(Tom Brokaw is sitting in his, chair, dumbfounded. He seems as if in a trance.)
Kevin: Tom?
Tom: (snaps out of it) I…I knew that…I knew I should never have turned down that…that position as UN representative for Canada…I…I…
Kevin: Remember what I told you, Tom!
Tom: There’s no use in living anymore…just…no more…
Kevin: Tom, no!
Tom: (takes out a letter opener and stabs himself) Ah…!
(The screen goes black again.)
*****
(Peter Jennings reporting)
Peter: Last week, NBC news anchor Tom Brokaw committed suicide. We at ABC would like to take this time to remember this well-liked and influential man. A moment of silence.
(Silence.)
(Peter chuckles.)