Author: The Muse

Rating: Mmm... tough one... PG-13 maybe, for language

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Enough said.

Notes: The 'Buttery Nipples' were suggested by LaraMee. Don't ask, I don't know and frankly I am afraid. **Beta note: Muse's led a sheltered life folks;)**

Special Thanks: To LaraMee who beta'd, encouraged, nagged and eradicated the 'aussie isms'. Thanks cyb. The Wind Beneath My Wings. :)

It had been a long night and morning for Team 7.

The undercover operation they had been working on for several weeks had gone down almost perfectly. Almost.

The two suspects had been caught red-handed with the drugs by Standish and Wilmington, but when the rest of the group had moved in a battle ensued and injuries sustained. Mainly scratches and bruises for most of the men, but their leader, Chris Larabee had managed to get himself a broken arm and had to be taken to the emergency room for it to be set. Four hours later he was released and sent on his way with explicit instructions to rest and take things easy for a few days. The leader was not happy when he emerged, wearing a teal colored cast, courtesy of Buck Wilmington's smooth talking promises to one of the emergency room nurses. The blond would get his revenge, and what a glorious revenge that would turn out to be.

As they were leaving the hospital, all of the men decided to celebrate the close of the case and their relative success with only one injury. So it was with a cheerful, if not relieved, outlook that they arrived at Inez's bar to relax and recuperate.

"Inez darlin' seven glasses of m' usual!" Buck announced as they entered the bar and sat at their usual table.

"Mr. Wilmington I hardly think the rest of us wish to indulge in Buttery Nipples at this hour of the day." Standish rolled his eyes and turned to the pretty bar owner. "Two bottles of Dom Perignon and seven clean glasses my dear."

"Hell Ezra... can't even pronounce that shit, how the hell we gonna drink it?" groused Wilmington.

"I know this may be a foreign concept to you Mr. Wilmington." Standish sighed tiredly as he retrieved the glasses from the bar, "but these...." he said lifting the glasses, "are what we call in the civilized world, drinking glasses, utilized in the consumption of liquor."

"Ha ha. Real clever ain't we," the lady's man said sarcastically.

"Unfortunately Mr. Wilmington, no we are not. But I most assuredly am."

Vin nudged Chris in the side and leaned in to his friend as they watched the banter between the two men. "Reckon we're in for a hell of a night, pard."

"Reckon you're right Cowboy." Larabee replied with a hint of humor in his voice. "You're driving then."

Nodding, Vin asked, " we gonna take 'em back to Buck's place or Ez's?"

"Whoever goes down first. We go to their place."

"All righty then, let's sit back and enjoy the show Pard." Tanner smiled and settled himself down next to Larabee. Chris winced as his broken arm protested a sudden movement, but nothing was going to stop him from enjoying this.

JD, Josiah and Nathan pulled out chairs as well and settled in for the inevitable challenge that was sure to follow before the evening ended.

Buck and Ezra returned to the table. Buck with Buttery Nipples, Ezra with Dom Perignon.

"Gentlemen," The Southerner placed the glasses in front of each of the men and commenced filling them. Chris and Vin both covered their glasses.

"None for me Ez." Said Larabee tiredly. "Pain-killers

"And I'm th' D.D.," added Tanner. "Just coke for me."

"JD, Josiah, Nathan... have some of my Nipples." Buck said loudly as he placed the creamy mocha concoction in front of them. There was momentary silence in the bar as the other patrons turned shocked faces to the big man so eager to share his Nipples.

"Uh...." Dunne said frowning at the glass and then looking at the amused faces of the crowd around him.

"Buck, maybe you shouldn't be so generous with your.. uh.. Nipples." Sanchez said sadly as he pondered the drinks before him.

Nathan just sat there, shaking his head at the men's antics.

Ezra took that opportunity to once again pour from the rounded bottle of fine liquor he had purchased. Yet again Chris and Vin politely refused, but Dunne, Sanchez and Jackson sipped their drinks.

"Smooth."

"Very."

"Not bad at all."

"Aw come on boys... you can't be saying you prefer Dom what's-his-name, t' Nipples?"

"I think that's exactly what they're saying, Mr. Wilmington. Your fellow agents do appear to have some class to them after all."

"Class!! Them!!" Buck cried.

"Yes us!" JD, Nathan and Josiah said indignantly.

"I rest my case." Standish said as his gold tooth glittered.

"I'll bet I can drink more nipples than you can your Dom shit." Cried Buck

"A bet! Why Mr. Wilmington, I do love the sound of that word." Smiled Ezra.

Chris and Vin looked at each other and shook their heads. It looked like they were in for a long night.

Five hours later, 10.30 p.m. to be exact, found Chris and Vin sitting where they had been all night. Josiah, Nathan and JD had left a sometime earlier, shaking their heads and laughing at the state their two roguish friends were in.

"Thaaath makshh...ten...fourteen...twin'-two *belch* nipples." Buck swung his half full glass toward the Southerner splashing the creamy liquid on his coat.

"Mistaaar Wilmiton.... you 'aave mis.. *burp* shhhplaceded a nipple on maaa person." Ezra swayed precariously as he stood suddenly.

The lady's man frowned and stared at the now empty glass in his hand. Blinking, he looked at the brownish stain slowly oozing down the Southerner's lapel.

"Y' bassshtard!" he cried, "y' ssshhhtold m' drink!" Wilmington scrambled from his seat, knocking it over. The crash startled Standish, who listed slightly to the right before crouching into a fighting position, fists drawn up before his face ready to attack.

Chris leaned toward Vin and said quietly, "think it's time."

Tanner nodded and winked, "I got it, pard."

"Sure you don't need some help?" Larabee turned his head to one side.

"You move Chris and I'll break your other arm m'self. I got it covered." Turning then to the two inebriated men who were now bouncing around the fallen chair, fists raised in a fighting stance, Vin reached out and touched the lady's man on the shoulder. Ducking quickly as a fist came swinging in his direction, he pinned the big man's arms against his body.

"Bucklin!" The Texan grunted. "Take it ..... shit!.... easy there."

"Vin!.... VINNY!!!!!" Buck cried out as he recognized the voice. The lady's man managed to wrap long arms around the lean body and hoist the younger man into the air. "Vinny!! Where y' been *hiccup* sssson?"

Tanner groaned and tried to wriggle himself out of the hold. "Buck....let... go... a.... me." With that the older man suddenly let go and Vin went crashing to the ground. Rising gingerly and rubbing his butt, he asked incredulously, "What did y' go 'n' do that fer?"

Buck scratched his head, looking confused. "Y' tol' me too."

Vin turned to the sound of a laughing Chris Larabee and did a perfect imitation of the famous Larabee glare.

"Sorry Vin," the blond wheezed through uncontrolled laughter. "But, ask a silly question......"

"Yeah, yeah...." Tanner shook his head. Seeing that Buck was now sitting on the floor studying his shoe lace intently, he turned his attention to the Southerner.

"Ez, Ezra... it's Vin. Gonna take you home now. Ezra!"

Standish was blissfully unaware of his surroundings. The Southerner had found the large mirror on the bar wall and was admiring the image of the handsome gentlemen before him. "How do you dooooo.... Suuh" he drawled. Receiving no reply, he persisted. "Mah name is...." he paused and frowned, "mah name is.....oh Lord!! I don't ha-ave a name!"

Tanner stepped cautiously up behind the Southerner and decided it best to announce himself before continuing. "It's Vin."

Ezra burped loudly, a crooked smile forming on the pale face. "Why thank you... *belch* good man." Turning back to the mirror he reached out a hand in a greeting gesture and said "Mah name is Vin."

Chris was now sitting, holding his aching arm while tears of laughter flowed down the handsome face.

"Laugh it up Larabee," Vin grumbled.

"This is.... this is just.... " but Chris couldn't finish the sentence.

Vin sighed and, seeing that Ezra was going nowhere for the time being returned his attention to the lady's man. Slowly reaching the smiling, shoe lace wrestling man sitting on the floor, the Texan carefully placed one of the big man's arms around his neck. "C'mon now Bucklin, we're goin' home."

"Aw... V-Vin. You takin' *hiccup* me home?" Wilmington slurred.

"Yep."

Buck's jaw began to tremble. He grabbed the smaller man and hugged him tightly. "You're... you're a good friend *burp* Vinny. I loves ya."

" I love you too, Buck. Now let go of me," Tanner wrenched away from the man's bear hug and continued to drag him to the car. Managing to get the drunken man to his jeep, he ordered, "now Bucklin, you sit in there while I go and get Ez. O.K.?... Buck?"

"V-Vin, where we goin' Vin?"

"I done told y'. I'm takin' y' home." Tanner smiled.

Buck began to sob. "I love y' Tanner...love y' man."

"Sure, sure thing Buck. Now stay there, I'm gettin' Ez."

"Ez?!? Ezra's here? Where?" The lady's man began to look around but groaned and fell back against the car seat.

The Texan smiled. Closing the door of the car, he headed back to the bar where Larabee was keeping a watchful eye on the Southerner.

"Get him tucked in?" asked Chris as Vin re-entered the room.

"Yep, got him tucked in all right." Then smiling mischievously, Tanner continued, "only shed a couple a tears on the way."

The blond shook his head and laughed. "All right then, one down, one to go. You sure you don't need some help?"

"Don't even think about it Pard. Your plaster ain't even dry yet. I can handle this here Southern boy."

Larabee raised his good arm in mock surrender and backed out of the way. The Texan bent down and lifted the semi conscious man's head from the table. Tapping gently on Standish's cheek he began to edge him off the chair. "Ez, c'mon Ezra.. we're goin' fer a ride."

"Thank you Mother....I'd love to go... for a ride." Ezra said as his head lifted then crashed back down on the table. "Ow... Mother? Why did you... hit me?"

"Ezra, c'mon," Tanner grunted as he threw one limp arm over his shoulder.

Without warning Standish lurched to his feet and wrapped his arms around the Sharpshooter's neck. Hugging the younger man to him, he kissed him gently on the cheek.

Chris laughed out loud from where he was watching.

"Aw Hell Ezra, what'd y' go 'n' do that fer?" Vin said, swatting the swaying head from his cheek.

"I love you Mother." The Southerner slurred.

"I ain't yer mother.... ouch!" Tanner ground out as he stumbled against the wobbling limbs of his cargo.

Ezra began to sob as well. "You don't love me!"

"Ezra I.. ain't.. yer... mother ... GODDAMMIT!!! Git yer mouth away from me!!!"

Chris couldn't hold it in any longer. Holding his injured arm, he laughed loudly at the sight before him. He watched as Vin carefully maneuvered himself and the Southerner around the tables and chairs while continuing to swat away the inebriated man's groping mouth.

"Laugh it up Larabee, you're gonna owe me ... Damn it, quit that Ezra!!....big fer this one."

"Hell Cowboy." The blond managed between laughing. "I'd give anything for a camera right now." Both men stopped in their tracks and looked to each other, mouths open as Ezra swayed against Vin. Their eyes narrowed and they nodded in silent agreement, Buck and Ezra were going to remember this night for a long time to come. A very long time to come.

(*)^^^(*)^^^(*)

Having managed to get both men in the car and their seat belts on, Chris slid into the passenger seat while Vin climbed into the drivers seat. They had decided to go to Buck's place.

After a short distance, Standish groaned. Suddenly without warning he emptied the previously consumed alcoholic content from his stomach. Tanner screeched to halt and turned angrily to the back of the car.

"Ah Hell!" he cried. "You bastard!! You threw up all over m' car!"

"Better out than in." Chris laughed.

"Alright fer you to say Larabee." Vin grumbled. "How th' hell 'm I gonna get that shit outta here?"

Rather than answering, Chris said,"well, well, will you look at that." He was staring through the Jeep window, pointing toward a sign out the front of a store front. With a chuckle, he read "Just A Prick Tattoos!"

Larabee looked at Tanner, their eyes locking in mutual agreement. The Texan smiled and, putting the car into gear screeched to a stop at the front entrance. "Ezra first?" he winked.

"Seems only fair. After all he did kinda volunteer." The blond's eyes narrowed as he looked at the liquid deposit slowly soaking into the back seat.

Vin edged the slumbering Southerner from the car.

"Mother?" Standish mumbled.

"Ezra, you put yer mouth anywhere near me and I'll shoot y'."

"Hey Vin!" Larabee called from the front of the car. "Reckon he needs mother with him all the time."

Tanner smiled mischievously. "Well then, seein' as how we're such good friends and all...."

"Almost kissing cousins," Chris laughingly agreed, waggling his eyebrows.

The Texan glared momentarily at the blond as he guided the Southerner out and onto the sidewalk, carefully avoiding the regurgitated Dom Perignon. Straightening the man he was holding, he leaned toward the Southerner and whispered, "payback's a bitch Ezra."

Returning a short time later, Tanner deposited the still sleeping form onto the back seat.

"How'd it go?"

"Oh, they do fine work in there." Grinning when he saw a flash of regret, Tanner said, "it's just ink, ain't perm'nant. Reckon Buck's up to 't?"

"Reckon. I'm thinking... seeing as how they got drunk together......" Chris trailed off.

"A family that gets shit-faced t'gether......" Vin began.

"....gets tattooed together." Finished Larabee winking.

"C'mon Bucklin." Vin grunted as he dragged the bigger man out of the car. 'Just A Prick's' waiting for y."

*^*^*^*^*

Not long after visiting the tattoo parlor, Tanner glided to a stop outside Buck's apartment building. Luckily the big man lived on the first floor, so they were able to get both men, albeit not without some struggling and further expulsion of previously consumed alcoholic beverage, into the apartment.

Standish was stripped out of his sodden clothes and deposited on the sofa, while Wilmington was unceremoniously dumped on his big double bed. Finally getting the big man out of his clothes, Tanner gently rolled him onto his stomach and paused to study the artwork that now graced the big man's left ass cheek. Unfortunately he was not quick enough to avoid the expulsion of air that emanated from.... well.... a certain orifice in Wilmington's posterior.

"Hell Bucklin, that's gonna cost y'" Vin groaned fanning the air, as he backed quickly away from the offending odour.

"What's up?" asked Chris as he saw his friend hurriedly leave the bedroom.

"Buck just farted."

"And you lived to talk about it?" Larabee chuckled.

"Oh yeah, I swear that man's rottin' from the insides." Vin rubbed at his nose. "You know... this means more revenge."

Chris' eyes twinkled with unbridled humor. "Whatcha got in mind?"

"I found these," he said as he produced two small gold hoop earrings he'd seen lying on the bedside table. "And this," he held up a tube of super glue.

"Oh man, you are truly evil." Chris laughed and shook his head. "Remind me to NEVER get drunk and have you drive me home again."

"Don't mind the drunk part, but don't ever, ever recycle food, drink," he grimaced, "or gas in my face."

"I'll remember that." The blond looked at the sleeping form of Standish on the sofa. Raising one eyebrow toward Ezra he asked. "Reckon they both deserve the same treatment."

"And you call me evil!" Tanner scoffed.

"Let's get to it then."

*^*^*^*^*

Buck Wilmington felt the familiar warmth from a soft smooth body lying next to his. Stretching his arms, the body next to his snuggled closer and wrapped a hairy arm around his chest. Buck smiled, then his eyes shot open in blind panic. Hairy arms! Frantically looking to the body next to his he was met by the familiar face of his fellow agent Ezra Standish. The Southerner mumbled something about being warm and contented and nestled his head against the lady's man's shoulder.

Wilmington felt the color drain from his face. He laughed nervously and closed his eyes. It was a dream. No.....a nightmare. He'd laugh about this tomorrow, or the next day, or... Hell, maybe never. Lifting the blankets, he slowly peeled his eyes open once more and looked from one naked male body; his own, to another naked male body lying snuggled against him; Ezra's. Blinking rapidly he groaned, then slammed his bloodshot eyes closed again. "Oh dear God! Please, please let me be dreaming. I promise I'll never drink a Buttery Nipple again."

Once again the big man slowly, very slowly opened his eyes but very quickly clamped them shut again. "Oh my God! Oh... my.. . God!" he cried out.

"What's the matter Mother?" Ezra yawned.

Buck hurriedly dragged himself from the bed. Grabbing the top blanket, he covered himself.

"What're you doin' in my bed?" he cried in a high pitched, panicked voice.

The Southerner's eyes shot open. He knew that voice. Wait a minute.... bed?... my bed?.... Buck Wilmington's bed? He leaped off the mattress like a spring, knocking the bedside lamp from the table and crashing to the ground, naked. He swallowed hard. "You're -- you're bed!"

"Yes it's my bed!"

"Oh Good Lord, I'm dead. I've gone to Hell. Mother always said that's where I would end up. I'm dead and gone to Buck Hell." He groaned and rubbed at the headache pounding his skull.

"Uh, Ezra... what's that?" Buck was squinting, pointing to the Southerner's chest.

Standish slowly looked down at his chest, finally resting his gaze on his left nipple. His jaw dropped open widely. He looked at the lady's man, then back at his nipple, then back at the lady's man. Slowly raising his hand, he tentatively pulled at the small gold ring, but let go quickly when he realized it was indeed real. "Ow! Ow! Ow! I've been violated!"

Buck chuckled nervously. "It ain't so bad Ez, lots a men have it done."

Standish was about to reply with some sort of elaborate flourish of words when he looked at Wilmington's chest. Slowly raising his hand, he pointed to the muscular, hair covered chest. The lady's man eyes followed the pointing finger.

"Shit, shit, shit, damn, shit! What the Hell....." he slumped to the floor, dropping the blanket.

"'Mornin' boys." Came the cheerful greeting from the Texan.

Stricken faces turned slowly to the young man who entered the room and casually leaned against the doorjamb.

"It's not what you think!" cried Buck.

"I didn't... I mean we didn't," Ezra looked nervously from man to man and slumped against the bedside table.

Smiling mischievously, Vin pushed himself away as he called over his shoulder, "breakfast's ready."

"Mr. Tanner......"

"Vin..... wait!!"

The two agents scrambled to their feet. Suddenly being acutely aware of their state of undress they wrestled for the blankets off the bed, at the same time being careful to keep their distance from each other.

"Give me that!" Standish tugged at the sheet.

"Go t' hell! Git'cher own!" bellowed Wilmington.

"Mr. Tanner.." Standish cried after the younger man. "Wait.. Mr. Tanner.... "

"Bacon and eggs, and there's coffee over there." The Texan drawled without looking up from the pan sizzling away on the stove.

"Vin..." Buck began nervously. "Now, son.. it ain't what it looks like."

Vin began to whistle as he flipped the eggs.

"Mr. Tanner, Mr. Wilmington and I.. that is... we didn't... I mean.... there's no way... you couldn't possibly believe that this buffoon and I could have....." Ezra's voice trembled at the thought..

"Ain't none a my business. What you fellas do outside a workin' hours is yer own concern." Vin said casually. "Oh, by the way... you might wanna check out yer... uh... " The Sharpshooter stopped, rolling his eyes and slyly pointing with a greasy spatula, to indicate the two half-naked agents backsides.

"Oh Good Lord, I don't think I can take any more." Standish staggered and grabbed onto the side of the sofa.

Buck grabbed a mirror off the wall and quickly manipulated the angle to view his rear end. A loud gasp could be heard as he managed to get a glimpse of the reflection, his butt's reflection. The color drained from his face and he slowly sank to the floor, laying limply on the carpet. He groaned, shook his head back and forth and back and forth again and groaned once more. He pounded the floor beside him. "Nooooo, this can't be happening. No, no....nooooooo."

"Think they done a good job on y' Bucklin. Never seen a purtier heart 'n' arrow before. An' them initials... what are they..... E.S. .... sure do look sweet all nestled on yer......"

The Southerner leaned forward and snatched the mirror from Buck's hand. Backing a safe distance away from the prostrate form on the floor, Ezra allowed the thin sheet he had been holding to slip down below his own rump.

"R..E..H..T..O...M" he read slowly from the reflection. Frowning, he allowed the word to flow a little easier. "reh....tom. Mmmmm.... what is that.... some obscure language from an Eastern country?"

"Yer readin' it backwards." The Texan voice had taken on a distinctly tired tone. "It's actually M..O..T.. H..E..R"

"M..O..T..H..E..R" Ezra repeated slowly as the fog began to clear from his brain. "Moth..er. Mother." He smiled, then as reality finally sank in, the color drained from his face and his jaw began it's decent toward the floor.

"Eggs are ready." Vin called cheerfully. The only reply was two sickly groans.

"Uh... Vin... what exactly happened ... last night?" Buck finally asked.

"Y' don't remember?" Tanner tried to look serious. "Well, let's see. Y' had us make a couple a' stops, then me an' Chris brought y' back here.. got y' all settled in nice and comfy like....after you two got yer fill a Dom and Nipples."

"Chris? Chris was here too?" Buck asked.

"Still is. He's asleep in the spare room. Was up half the night, what with all the racket you two was makin' in there... surprise the neighbors didn't complain." Vin Tanner was not finished torturing the two men yet.

"Noise?" Ezra asked quietly. "Wh--what noise?"

The Texan thought for a moment. "Let me see..." then, doing his best southern accent he began, "Buck, Buck, oh Bu-uck..... Yes, yes, yes...YES!"

Standish and Wilmington's eyes widened, a look of sheer terror glazing over them.

Tanner paused and seemed to be deep in thought, then as he continued to place the over cooked bacon and runny translucent eggs on the plates, said as seriously as he could muster "....least, I think the word was 'Buck'." He shrugged to himself and poured two cups of coffee. Gathering the plates in one hand and the cups in the other he set them on the table and retrieved both forlorn men from their positions around the room.

"Eat up gentlemen." He smiled and slapped both men solidly on the back.

There was a collective groan from the still suffering men as they looked at the runny egg whites seeping into the greasy bacon, giving a sodden appearance to the food. Suddenly their faces began to turn a distinct shade of green. Both men clasped a hand across their mouths as the dry retching began. Crashing out of their chairs and dropping their sheets, they ran for the bathroom, nearly knocking over Chris as he gingerly made his way into the kitchen.

"I take it they found out about last night?" the blond said as he wiped the sleep from his eyes.

"Yep," Tanner smiled wickedly. "Though they didn't seem t' 'preciate m' breakfast attempt."

Chris walked to the table and looked down at the sea of clear fluid ebbing along the plate. "Since when do you under cook eggs Tanner?"

"Since it ain't my place and I don't have t' clean up the mess."

Larabee stood silently for a moment, then raising one eyebrow smiled. "You done good pard, you done real good. Let's eat."

"Sure thing Chris, then I wanna get an early start. Got some film needs developing."

Both men laughed and sat down at the table.

The End.