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The Muse 77


Rating: PG 13


Disclaimer: I own them in my dreams, but real life sucks.




"Nathan, can I … uh…. Talk to you?"

"J.D., yeah sure. What’s up?"

Dunne looked nervously around and whispered, "Can we talk… in private?"

"Uh…O.K… we can go into Chris’ office."

The two agents disappeared into the other room. A few moments later Buck and Ezra entered.

"Where is everybody?" asked Wilmington.

"It appears we are here on our own Mr. Wilmington, unless our fearless leader is in his office."

"Well…. Go on… go have a look."

Standish sighed. He walked to the office door and gently opened it a crack. He heard muffled words from inside.

"Well Ez…." A raised hand halted the big man’s words.

Ezra raised a finger to his lips and mouthed ‘shhhhhh’. "Come here." he whispered and waved his hand. The lady’s man tiptoed to the door and tilted his head, listening intently to the conversation from the other side of the door.


"Nathan," J.D. swallowed "I need some advice."

"About?" asked Jackson.

"Well, me and Casey are … well… getting kinda close… and I… well, I need some information about….’protection’."

"Oh, I see.. contraception." Smiled Nathan knowingly.

The young agent blushed. He couldn’t think when he had been so embarrassed before. "Yeah." He whispered looking at the floor.

Suddenly the door swung open and Ezra and Buck rushed in.

"J.D., you’ve come to the right place. Why Ez and I know everything there is to know about it. Don’t we Ez?"

"Most assuredly." Agreed Standish.

"Aw Buck…. I don’t think…"

"Now, now son, you leave it to us. We’ll get you on the right path."

"Buck, I think J.D. wants to talk to me about it." Protested Nathan.

"Maybe before Nate, cause we weren’t here, but now….now the experts have returned. So thanks for holding the fort," Buck said as he placed an arm around Jackson’s shoulder and gently ushered him to the door. "but we’ll take it from here."

Nathan was pushed out of the room and the door closed behind him. He stood there silently for a few seconds, then shaking his head and smiling, he turned and walked away.


"Now, where were we son?" asked Wilmington.

"I believe we were about to impart our extensive knowledge on the subject of condoms." Announced Standish.

"Ah yes." Agreed Buck. "You want to start Ezra or shall I?"

"I think I can commence the proceedings, thank you. Let me see, where to begin……….oh yes, it’s like buying your first suit J.D." began Ezra, "Only the finest haberdashery using the finest material."

"And… you need the perfect fit." Added Buck.

"I never knew that." Said J.D.

"Oh yes…we have more ‘experience’ in this field, don’t we Mr. Wilmington?"

"Hell yeah Ezra, aint no-one got more experience than me when it comes to the ladies and protection." Continued Buck. "You aint seen no junior Buck’s runnin’ ‘round."

"No.." agreed Dunne frowning.

"Well there you go. I know what I’m doing and believe me, it takes practice, practice, practice."

"So, I have to keep doing this?" asked the young man, amazement written across his face.

"Well Mr. Dunne, practice makes perfect."

"Son, once you can pull it out and throw it on in less than 7 seconds…."

"7 seconds!!"

"Yep, that’s my record so far…" Buck replied proudly.

"And a very astonishing record it is." Agreed Ezra.

"Alright J.D. we.. Ezra and I are going to give you some exercises to try."

Dunne looked quizzically at his fellow agents.

"Now, on the count of three I want you to whip the ol fella out and throw on the raincoat." Said Buck.


"Mr. Dunne, what Mr. Wilmington put so… so eloquently is we would like you to unzip, flip and cover, as it were." Standish said pointing to J.D.’s crotch area.

"Oh… oh.. here." J.D. suddenly understood what the other two meant. "Sure."

"O.K. on the count of three….One…" began Standish.

"Hang on…. just flip it out?" asked J.D. again.

"Yes, just like opening a box of chocolates." Said Buck.

"O.K. One.. two…." Standish counted again.

"Hang on… I don’t have a rubber."

Ezra sighed. "It’s not a ‘rubber’ Mr. Dunne. We must work on your vocabulary."

"Hell Ezra… it’s only the three of us.. he can call it a rubber if he wants."

"Mr. Wilmington, I do applaud your technique with regard the application of the apparatus, but we need to use correct terms if Mr. Dunne is to use a smooth transition from uncovered to covered."

"Right Ez… suppose it’s best to get him started out right." Agreed Wilmington.

Ezra turned to J.D. again. Opening his jacket he proceeded to remove a small gold ornate box from his pocket. Carefully opening it, he showed the contents to the young agent.

"What would be your choice Mr. Dunne?" he smiled.

"Wow!" Exclaimed J.D.

"Hell!" added Buck. "I aint never seen such a variety before."

Standish coughed gently. "I am a man of taste gentlemen. These have been made especially for me. I have them sent straight from Paris, France."

"French letters." Said Dunne.

Wilmington and Standish groaned in unison.

"What? What did I say?" asked J.D. genuinely confused.

"Pick one." Offered Ezra choosing to ignore the question.

J.D. reached into the box and delicately picked up a mauve coloured plastic square, decorated with gold edging.

"Ahh, a wonderful choice. This one is self-lubricating, lavender scented AND ribbed. One of my favourites, and, I might add, one of the ladies’ too."

Buck looked longingly at the contents. Slowly snaking out a hand he reached for the group of packets. Without blinking Ezra slapped it shut across the big man’s fingers.

"Shit!" cried Wilmington. Poking the injured digit into his mouth he continued. "What the hell’d you do that for!"

"Mr. Wilmington, I do not share my private collection with just anyone."

"But you gave one to the Kid!"

"Yes, but this is a learning situation for the young man." Dunne stood behind the con man as he spoke nodding at the other man’s words. "And I do believe it is best for one’s first experience to be with the use of the very best available. You on the other hand, can use any old ‘rubber’ as you like to call them."

"Damn Ezra!"

"And the use of profanity will get you nowhere. Now Mr. Dunne, onto the ‘tearing’ technique, as I like to call it."

Dunne frowned and turned questioning eyes toward the man in the armani suit.

"This is going to be harder than we thought Mr. Wilmington." He said leaning in next to his fellow teacher.

"Kid, you got to learn how to rip the packet open with style." Said Buck. "Ez… show him how’s it done."

"Most certainly." Replied Standish. He reached into his little box and pulled out a black square with silver edges. "Watch what I do." He began.

"Um… Ezra… what’s the black one?"

Ezra smiled mischievously. "This my good man is for experienced gentlemen only. The black packet is one to aspire to."

"Oh I understand." Nodded Dunne.

"Well I don’t." protested the big man.

"All in good time, Mr. Wilmington, all in good time."

"Do you think I’m ready for the black?" asked J.D. seriously.

"Young man." Began Standish sternly. "No-one is ever ready for the black, but eventually we’ve all got to try."

"Oh get on with it Ezra. Damn, let’s give him a try at it."

Standish nodded his acknowledgment to the others. Taking a steadying breath he began. "Now take it by the corner…. Yes, yes… that’s good. Now on the count of three you’re going to flip whilst at the same time tear the corner, squeezing gently but firmly at the packet the contents should smoothly slide out at which time you will position the centre over the head of.…."

"Hang on, you’re going to fast." Cried Dunne.

"Hell son, you don’t have to take notes. Just do it." Groused Buck.

"Alright." J.D. said. Taking a long shuddering breath he braced himself. He parted his legs slightly, flexing his hands he adjusted the belt on his pants. Standish handed him the black packet. He took the young agent by the shoulders and looked deeply into his eyes.

"I know you can do it J.D. , just stay calm…remember, we’re on your side."

Dunne sucked in a couple of deep breaths. He closed his eyes, clenching and unclenching his hands. Suddenly he declared. "O.K. I’m ready."

"One…. Two…. THREE!" cried Standish.

There was a flurry of activity from the youngest. The savage ripping of wrapper combined with the unmistakable rasp of the zipper going down. The appendage was flipped out and the condom thrown against it.

"Hey.. it won’t go on!" declared J.D.

"What!?" cried the other two men in unison.

"You can’t be serious!" stated Ezra. "The black ALWAYS goes on!"

Looking down toward the hand that held the failed ‘digit’ all three men studied the sight before them. Heads turned from side to side, eyes narrowed and opened. The occasional muffled ‘mmmm’ and oooohhh’ could be heard.

"Is it serious?" Dunne asked nervously.

Still there was only the occasional hiss of air from the other two men. Buck rubbed his hand across his chin and Ezra scratched his head.

"I think I know what the problem is." Said the lady’s man finally.

"Yep… I think I know what you’re talking about." Agreed the Southerner.

"WHAT!!" cried J.D.

"It needs to be…. How can I put this delicately…. Aroused…" said Standish.

"Aroused. Aw come on!"

"J.D. you’ve got to have it stand up and salute; ready for action; alert; wide eyed and bushy tailed…."

"I think he gets the point Mr. Wilmington."

"I can’t just… you know… it’s not like I have a button that just says ‘reach for the sky’" cried J.D.

"You don’t?…. I mean you don’t" coughed Buck.

"How do I get it to do that then?" asked the young agent.

"Buck… you can take this one." Declared Ezra with a sweep of his hand and a twinkle of his gold tooth.

"How big do you think it is?" asked Buck.

"Mmmm…." the southerner thought for a few seconds. "Not that big… I make it at about 3 inch diameter and 5 inches long in the resting position."

"So it should expand to about?" asked Wilmington.

"Let me try and do my math here." Standish gathered a piece of paper from Chris’ desk and began doing some quick calculations.

J.D. waited anxiously as the other men whispered amongst themselves and wrote down, then crossed out various mathematical variables. After what seemed like an eternity, they sighed and looked at the younger man.

"WELL!" cried Dunne.

"Mmmm…. after a lot of consideration and calculation, we have come to the decision that you fall into the ……… medium class, average if you like." Admitted Ezra.

"And that’s… good." J.D. swallowed hard.

"That’s….. average son." Smiled Buck.

"Mr. Dunne, too small and the ladies will laugh at you… too big and the ladies will run screaming. I’d say you’re in a very comfortable position."

J.D. looked down to the front of his pants. His zip was open, he clutched a lubricated ribbed black condom in one hand, his ‘appendage’ hung downwards, his belt dangled at his feet and his shirt was crumbled and half pulled out.

"I don’t feel so comfortable." He admitted.

"Relax kid, you’re doing fine. Can’t expect to get it right on your first attempt. ‘Sides now we’ve got the dimensions right, it’ll be smooth sailing from here on in." Smiled Wilmington.

"Right, J.D. you can get rid of the black one now and go back to the lavender one." Directed Ezra. "Ready for a second attempt?"

"Sure, sure… but what about… you know…. The standing up and saluting thing?"

"Oh yeah." Said Buck pensively. Turning to Ezra he asked, "What do you think Ez, I mean I’ve never experienced that problem."

"And you think I have?" said Standish indignantly. "I’ll admit I don’t have a trick pony like you, but mine can and does jump through some very considerable hoops on command."

"Hey! I know." Cried Buck suddenly. "Wait here, I’ll be right back."

The big man hurried from the room. The Southerner smiled encouragement to the younger man as they waited together. "It won’t be long now Mr. Dunne, I assure you."

"Ezra, maybe I should go. I mean I think I understand the whole thing now and having the lavender one should be all I need."

"Oh no you don’t. Besides, you can’t go off half-cocked as it were. By the time we’re finished with you they’ll be calling you ‘Stud Dunne." Standish smiled.

"I don’t know Ezra, I mean…."

Just then the door to the office burst open and a heaving Buck Wilmington rushed in carrying a small cardboard box.

"I got it" he gasped.

"And what is IT?" questioned the Southerner.

Wilmington leant forward against the desk top. Flopping the box down on the gathered papers, he continued to suck in large amounts of air.

"Got it from the evidence room. Remember that bust last week…. Down at ‘Ginger’s Massage and Ecstasy " he began. "Well.. these are some of the.. toys… that were confiscated from there."

"Good thinking Mr. Wilmington, let’s have a look and see what we can use."

The two older men began sifting through the contents of the box. Muffled ‘what the hell is that’ and ‘never seen one of those before’ could be heard between scrapes and crashes. Ezra raised what appeared to be a large needle from the box and studied it intently. Seeing the terrified look on the younger man’s face he quickly dropped it back into it’s home and smiled. "Don’t worry… wouldn’t use that on you." He re-assured. Then whispered "Well not unless it’s a last resort."

Dunne quickly began to dress himself.

"Hold on there kid, I think I’ve got something here." said Buck, his head still buried in the box.

"I’ve… I’ve changed my mind." Stumbled J.D. "I don’t think Casey is ready for this."

"Oh come on Mr. Dunne, you’ve got to graduate from the old morning handshake sooner or later."

"Who says I haven’t? and what do you mean… ‘the morning handshake?" said J.D. defensively.

Ezra and Buck chuckled and nudged each other.

"You’re forgetting son, Ez and I have seen our fair share of the un-used. We can spot one a mile away."

J.D. quickly turned his back to the men, trying in vain to cover up. "Wonder if Nathan’s still about?" he mumbled.

"Looky what I got here!" smiled the lady’s man.

"My, my Mr. Wilmington, you have certainly outdone yourself this time." The Southerner said as he lifted the pump like device and eyed it admiringly. "Why, I haven’t seen one of those since… well I think it was at the ‘Living Dead’ concert in Chicago about 9-10 years ago."

"Yep, it’s a classic alright… grew up with one of these stowed in my bottom drawer at college. Used to hire it out to the freshmen. Made myself quite a deal of money too."

"Mr. Wilmington, you astonish me. I didn’t know you had that much business acumen."

"I do have my moments. Actually, something very similar to this durn near paid for my entire college education."

"I’m impressed!" nodded Standish admiringly. Then turning to the now pale young agent continued. "Do we dare?"

Buck frowned. Taking a moment to way up the pros and cons he finally gave voice to his opinion. "Reckon." He said. "He’s a friend; wouldn’t do it for just anybody, but for J.D…."

"You’re right… absolutely right. Alright young man, come here." smiled Ezra.

Dunne paled even more and slowly backed into the furthest corner of the room. "I don’t want to!" he cried. "Please… I’ve changed my mind."

"It seems we have a problem Mr. Wilmington."

The two older agents sat down on the desk top and thought for a long time. Dunne remained frozen in his position in the furthest corner of the room. All of a sudden Standish nodded to Wilmington, a conspiritual grin appearing on their faces.

"Do we dare?" asked the Southerner raising an eyebrow.

"It is J.D." sighed the lady’s man.

There was silence again.

"J.D., son, come here….. come on…. Come here… we’re not going to hurt you." Assured Buck.

"Wh-what are you going to do?"

"Son…. Kid ……Son." Began Wilmington "We’re going to do this together… the three of us… Athos, Porthos and Aramis. All for one, one for all. You still got your lavender one?" he continued.


"Ezra, you get yourself one."

"I already have Mr. Wilmington; I always carry a spare black." Ezra said winking. "And I have one here for you too." He continued as he handed a deep red packet to the big man.

Buck studied the packet as a wide grin slowly appeared across his face. "Extra heavy duty…. Perfect!" he declared.

"Now J.D., think about Casey… think about the two of you lying on a beach somewhere…. Smiling… kissing….." soothed Ezra.

"AND NAKED!!" interrupted Buck.

Dunne slowly began to smile.

The Southerner lowered his gaze toward the younger man. "It appears we have ‘contact’" he whispered to the lady’s man. Wilmington smiled mischievously and winked.

"J.D., now that you’re primed and ready…… DRAW!" cried Buck.

Three men moved as one. The fluent movement of the hands moving; gliding toward the teeth of metal… the whispered sound of those same teeth being separated from their counterparts … the delicate flipping of appendage… the muffled tearing of plastic. Then, as if in a ballet the now exposed appendages were delicately covered.

A gold tooth flittered toward a wide grin which turned to a satisfied smile. High fives could be seen as the three men celebrated their accomplishment.

"Knew you had it in you kid." Said Wilmington proudly.

"Makes a man proud, doesn’t it Buck. To see ones protégé finally accomplish this most natural of feats. Why, brings a tear to the eye."

Buck raised an eyebrow to the Southerner but said nothing.

And that is the sight that confronted Chris Larabee and Vin Tanner as they opened the door.

Three men - three friends - standing together. Svelte black nestled between the self lubricated, ribbed lavender and the extra heavy duty red.

There was stunned silence. Slowly the smiling faces melted away then suddenly one by one they disappeared. First the lavender quickly turned downwards. It was soon followed by the black. There was a decided list, first to the right, then to the left until it sank.

Buck, for his part, fought on well. The extra heavy duty red maintained it’s alertness even under the intense glare from their leader. But even the mighty Buck Wilmington had to acknowledge defeat as the ‘red’ became a hang dog. They all knew the ferocity of the Larabee stare, hell the man could strip paint of the wall with one of his famous glares, but no-one knew, even dreamt, that it could have such an effect on such a small part of the human anatomy.

Larabee remained stone faced. Tanner looked from the man in black to the three fellow agents and back to the man in black. He was beginning to wonder how he would explain three dead agents being found with their pants unzipped wearing rainbow coloured condoms, when Chris took a step into the room.

"I.. uh… that is to say… we… were just…counselling…." Ezra stumbled on as he backed away from the door.

"Yeah….. counselling as Ezra put it. J.D. needed our expert opinion about…. So we… you know… being the kind of guys that we are…." Came the desperate ramble from the big man.

J.D. just stood with his mouth open and eyes wide and transfixed on his leader.

Larabee sighed and raised his hand for silence. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Raising his hand slowly again, which made the other three duck suddenly, he pointed to the door.

"You want us to leave pard?" asked Buck.

Chris shot a look at the lady’s man that left no doubt that he did indeed want his fellow agents out of his office. As they fumbled with their flies, the three men flew out of the room.

Josiah and Nathan, who were now seated at their desks, watched as the three fleeing agents flashed across the room before them.

Sanchez turned a questioning look toward Jackson. "Did I just see what I thought I saw?" he asked.

"If you mean did you see Buck, Ezra and J.D. run out of here with there rainbow coloured, condom covered cocks hanging out……Yep you did."

"Mmmm…just checking." Josiah said and returned to his computer screen.

Back in the office Chris walked to his desk and sat down. Vin stepped quietly to the side of the room and sat in the large chair there. The two men looked at each other and then burst into uncontrolled laughter.

"Thought they were gonna bust a gut there pard." Laughed Tanner.

"Reckon the gut was the last thing they were worried about busting." Howled Larabee.

"What do you reckon that was all about?" smiled Vin.

"Well if I know Buck… and believe me I do… it was the old ‘7 second record’ he bullshits about." Said Chris, humour still evident in his eyes.

"Hey Chris." Asked the Sharpshooter eyeing the small cardboard box on the desk. "What’s that?"

"Hell, they didn’t use that on J.D….. did they?" the man in black said as he lifted the pump like apparatus from it’s resting place. Tanner and Larabee looked at each other and burst out laughing once again.


The End.