Hypocritic Oath

I swear on oath on my honor as a hypocrite that.

I will cuss cows but eat beef, blast miners but wear jewelry and drive a car
but condemn oil companies.

I don't want trees cut for any purpose other than to provide the lumber for
my next house.

As a Hollywood celebrity, I assert my God given right to sire at least four
children by three different wives and then protest about overpopulation in
the world.

I will put fish first by saving the sucker and salmon, but not the farmers
and ranchers who feed me.

I demand that politicians and federal judges in Washington save all
endangered species, except the small business man. I feel government is
imminently qualified to micro-manage nature, after all, look what a smashing
job they have done with the IRS, EPA, USDA, FBI, BLM and assorted other
alphabet agencies.

As a self-righteous hypocrite it is my duty to celebrate Earth Day with
barbecues and parades and by leaving tons of trash behind.

I demand that feedlots and farms stop polluting our ground water. That
privilege should be preserved for me every time I flush the contents of my
toilet into a septic tank or the ocean.

I want to relocate grizzly bears and wolves to the West but not in my
big-city backyard. After all, people live here! I give my permission for
mountain lions to eat lambs but if a lion eats my dog or cat, I demand the
abominable beast be shot on sight.

I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of their
drilling more wells while sitting in my gas guzzling SUV with the engine
running.

I will write letters to the editor on my computer castigating utility
companies for not providing enough electricity. At the same time, I will
send money to green groups who want to tear down hydroelectric dams and
stand in the way of any new power producing projects.

I avow at the next cocktail party I attend while smoking a cigarette and
sipping a martini that I will sue the tobacco companies for causing my lung
cancer.

Although I have never personally milked a cow or grown vegetables in a
garden, I demand to have a say on how farmers and ranchers do it. As a
pompous hypocrite I demand that water, herbicides, and pesticides be taken
away from farmers immediately, but I don't want it to affect the price,
quantity or quality of the food I buy in the store.

It is my strongly held conviction that we should ban all pesticides, except
the can of bug spray I use to kill ants and other unwanted bugs in my home.

As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite, I vow to help stop global warming by watching
the Discovery Channel on my giant sized television in my air-conditioned
house.

I assert that cattle pooping on our Nation's grasslands is a national
disgrace while fertilizing my urban lawn with steer manure and urea is
simply good ecology. I will complain about fertilizer runoff from farms but
not from golf courses because I happen to be a golfer.

I will hound hunters in the woods because they use guns despite the fact
that hunting groups have increased habitat and wildlife numbers. I demand
that the government end all timber cutting or recovery in our national
forests but I'll cry like a singed coyote if the feds allow wildfires to
burn near my house.

As a card-carrying hypocrite I disavow the use of fur, leather, wool and all
animal by-products, except the ones used in medicine that might save my
life. I demand labels be placed on all food products but not on a rock album
that endorses killing cops.

Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving hypocrite, I firmly believe that
rural folks have done a terrible job of taking care of the countryside and
they must do a better job because that's where I want to live or visit
someday when I can escape the pollution, crime and insanity of the barren
big city in which I currently reside.

Author Unknown