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I am among the dead. Ghostly white face looking in the mirror only to build
myself up for devistaion. Look into my eyes the ones that once radiated so
much light have now gone dull. In saying among the dead im not saying that
im lacking among the living. I am alive, I breath, I talk, I function. Its just
that something went wrong and put a halt on everything I ever was. Its a
terrible puzzle one that a mad genius could not even put together. None
of the pieces fit together anymore. Some have become dull around the edges,
others have become to sharp to make any sense. All that should have meaning
has been separated from me one painful slice at a time. My mistakes scream
in my head trying to get me to understand. Life is unfair and cruel there
comes a point where you have to question your status of living. Surely breathing
does not make you alive. There is that feeling deep within knowing who you
are and what you want. I will not point fingers and besides if I did I would be
pointing at my own reflection. I begin to question the theory of has the soul
left the body? Hold on to me if you dare I will be more then happy to share
my misery with the others outside of my own infernal. The words I write are
rather scattered and to some are just a jumble of nothing. Take my words as
you wish. All of them are from the heart and my messy head.

My heart is pounding my head is throbbing. In my weakest moment there is
no escape. Ive begged and pleaded for some sort of affection some sort of
acceptance but all of these attempts have only been proven futile. This is the
closest to my death bed, it is the closest to my closure. Its all I ever wanted
but now im scared. Ive been tossed away in a corner and I feel like a ragdoll
all torn up and dismissed. I no longer own anything there is nothing that is
mine nothing that I can cling to no one who will listen. My eyes burn and I
have seemed to have forgotten how to sleep, such turmoil inside there is no
peace. So much disturbance with little forgiveness for what I have done. My
skin is growing pale and my eyes are sinking in I feel as if I am rotting. I cant
stop shaking and its hard to stop crying when I dont even remeber what made
me cry to begin with. I lost my appetite and my stomach is caving in I dont
even remeber how to eat everything is just as good as paper. I am guilt ridden
with a constant reminder of my sins. I cant figure out if im fighting to live or
giving up and excepting the decomposion of my mind. So here I am knocked
on my ass and ive never bruised this hard or easy before I dont even remember
who I am or what im supposed to be. The pain is tremendous and the living
nightmare is growing stronger with the start of every day, you learn to hate
the sun. The pounding in my head grows stronger, how do I sleep with a
constant drumming in my head? The other night as I lay in bed with yet
another fever someone was calling me back to the other side. The voice was
strange like none ive heard before. As I closed my eyes and tried to tell myself
I was just delusional the screaming started, someone is screaming for me. My
name echoed in my head something was calling to me. I thought for a second
it could be my very soul drowning in empathy. I try to rest and I start to quiver,
all of the flash backs and how I went so wrong start to race through my head
like a broken projecter full of cracks and warped sounds. I want to change it all.
I want to stand tall again I want to know who I am. Ive never felt anguish like this
nor have I felt so lost. Ive never been happy I never wanted to be happy it was
never a goal , all I ever asked for was inner peace which has been tossed
somewhere along the way. So many ears to listen in the past so many arms to
fall into and now I find myself talking to walls, cold hard expressionless walls.
Im not asking for pity although my ignored cries for help are leading to loathing.
My mind has already given in the next step is my body giving up and feeling my
last breath aching in my chest.